Chapter 7
Spock's room was incredibly plain. No, plain was the wrong word. It was just very clean and tidy. It looked like everything had a place and very rarely left it. In fact, if Jim hadn't known that Spock actually lived here, he would have thought that it was an extra, unoccupied room. He supposed that he should have really expected it, but he was still surprised that there weren't any decorations or pictures of his family. Something, anything. The only personal hint of Spock's residence was the shelf that was stuffed with books.
Jim smiled slightly as he looked over the books, but most of them were in Vulcan, so he could only assume that they held some great, logical knowledge that was probably beyond him. And he figured he was okay with that.
Spock stood stiffly by the door, staring at Jim intently as he took in the room. If Jim had been looking at him, he might have noticed that he was shifting his weight back and forth, one of his few indications of frayed nerves. As it was, Jim was too busy soaking in his surroundings to notice.
"Would I be correct in assuming that you require sustenance?" Spock asked, finally breaking the silence that had existed since Jim had entered the room.
Jim started slightly, almost forgetting that Spock was there. Which was odd, because it was his room. He burst out laughing, no real reason behind it. He was too tired for this kind of day. He'd woken up too early, been bored to tears on the bridge, initiated a heart to heart with Uhura, had a headache that wouldn't quit, and now was about to tackle another emotional encounter with his emotionless first officer.
Spock merely looked at him, confusion creeping into his eyes as he raised his eyebrow. "Is everything alright, Jim?"
Jim felt a hitch in his breath when Spock said his name, but he ignored it and focused on controlling his laughter. After a moment, he managed to regain a semblance of his composure and waved his hand in dismissal. "I'm fine, Spock. Yes, I am hungry."
Spock nodded slightly, but didn't really look convinced. However, instead of pursuing it, he gestured toward a table that was all set up with plates and utensils that Jim hadn't noticed off to the side. He went and sat down, surprised at how much care Spock had apparently put into their dinner. Spock sat down across from Jim a moment later.
"I'm sorry I was late," Jim apologized, realizing that he hadn't tried to make amends for getting distracted.
Spock looked up. "You have no need to apologize."
Of course he didn't. Jim sighed and began to analyze what was on his plate. He didn't actually recognize anything and figured that it was probably Vulcan. An instant wariness filled him as he realized that he didn't have any idea what Vulcan food was supposed to taste like or what kind of ingredients they used. Other than the fact that it was undoubtedly vegetarian. He knew that much.
"What is this?" Jim decided the best way to get answers was to ask questions. Plus, Spock might appreciate his effort in trying to understand his culture a little bit better.
"It is an Indian meal," Spock explained. And Jim just nodded. It could also be that. He didn't have much experience in ethnic food, even from Earth. He really was a meat and potatoes kind of guy. "It contains spinach and potatoes."
Jim glanced down at the bowl. Spinach? Well, he would never claim to be a fan, but he supposed he could tolerate it for one evening. He watched Spock, trying to figure out how to eat it as it looked like a soup, but there were only forks on the table. He watched as Spock picked up a fork, cut off a piece of bread and scooped up some of the spinachy stuff. It looked like a lot of work, but he figured Spock wouldn't be horribly offended if he just used his hands.
After taking a bite, he was pleasantly surprised to find that spinach actually could taste good in something. It almost made him regret his lack of exploratory feelings towards food. And the bread? Delicious.
"What is this called?" Jim asked, determined to add it to his list of foods that Bones might actually approve of.
"It is called saag aloo and the bread is naan," he answered in between bites. "While I still prefer the food of my home planet, the replicators on this ship seem incapable of creating even a decent impression."
Jim nodded. The replicators really did seem to have a problem with some of the food requests, although he wasn't entirely sure why. It was probably just one of those small downfalls with technology. It could create food easily and conveniently, but it never tasted quite the way it should.
"Regardless, this is good," Jim said. Stalling. He was stalling, and some subconscious part of him knew it. At this point, he was willing to do almost anything to avoid talking the upcoming conversation. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell Spock, it was more he had no idea how to.
"What occurred between you and my older counterpart?" Jim almost groaned. If the Starfleet thing didn't work out, Spock could always be a mind reader.
But Jim had promised, and despite all the negative things you could say about James T. Kirk, he almost always kept his promises.
Jim thought for a moment, trying to decide where to start. He supposed that Spock didn't really need or want a play-by-play, although, with his Vulcan love of specifics, maybe he did. And saying 'we just talked' seemed to be threadbare and would not be satisfying for his first officer. And it didn't satisfy Jim either. What had transpired between him and the older Spock had been much more than mere conversation, even aside from the mind meld. There had been a connection between them, so effortless, something that he'd never really had with anyone else before and he was pretty sure that he wouldn't have it ever again. Not even with his Spock.
"We talked," Jim started, and paused. It suddenly occurred to him that this conversation was going to be a lot more personal than he had originally thought. He had figured that he'd tell Spock about their conversation, mention the mind meld, and then explain how they met Scotty. But he now knew that the important part hadn't been what was said but the sentiment that had been behind it.
Spock just stared at him, clearly waiting for more details. He knew he wouldn't pry, and he probably wouldn't even ask again, but the strong desire was as clear as if he really had voiced it. Jim didn't blame him. He just didn't know how to tell him, and part of him didn't want to. But as he looked into Spock's dark brown eyes, he realized that he really didn't have much of a choice. He could already see the disappointment shining out of them. A betrayal of sorts. And he knew that he couldn't do that to the half-Vulcan, not even if he wanted to.
"We talked about us, a lot," Jim started, gesturing between them half-heartedly. "He insisted that we were gonna be the best of friends. I didn't really believe him at the time - I mean, you had just marooned me on some godforsaken ice planet - but I guess he wasn't completely wrong." Jim flashed a smile at Spock to show that he was joking. "Then there was the mind meld-"
"He performed a mild meld on you?" Spock interjected. Jim looked up at him in surprise at his tone. He had sounded shocked, worried, and confused all at the same time, which was more emotion than he usually heard from his stoic first officer in a month. Then again, they'd only really been working together for about a month, so maybe this buildup of emotions was normal for Spock.
"Yeah," Jim said, shrugging. He didn't understand why Spock was getting all kinds of upset over it. At the time, it had been necessary. Therefore it had been logical. Spock should really be thrilled. "What's the big deal?"
Spock closed his eyes briefly, as if trying to fight back an outburst that would be undignified. Jim had to suppress his laughter at the very human gesture. Whenever he started to forget that Spock was only half-Vulcan, he went and did something that made him seem like the must human person he knew. Even if it was only for a moment.
"A mind meld is a highly intimate, personal connection between two minds," Spock explained, opening his eyes so that they pierced into Jim's. "It is usually only used between family and very close friends - and even then, rarely. For my older self to have used it on you so flippantly seems to be a complete disregard for Vulcan protocol."
"Yeah, well, I was surprised at first, but afterwards when he kind of explained it-"
"He didn't explain the process to you before initiating the meld?"
Jim sighed. He was getting tired of being cut off every time he explained something. It wasn't very captainly. "No, he was in a bit of a hurry. I think he was as thrown off by me as I was by him. Or...you. Whatever."
Spock didn't even look like he wanted to smile. Instead, it was as if he had completely shut down emotionally. For the first time during the course of their conversation, Jim realized that the older Spock might have done something that really was inappropriate. But it had seemed so natural, so easy...what kind of relationship did he and Spock have in the alternate reality? What could have possibly made them so close that the older Spock would have felt so comfortable initiating such an intimate connection with him?
Jim immediately shut down that line of thought. He didn't care about what happened in that reality. What had happened between the other James T. Kirk and Spock didn't apply to what happened with Jim and his Spock. All that mattered was what was happening now and what would happen tomorrow and for the several tomorrows that followed. Plus, Jim felt as if he had gotten enough influence from a reality that really had nothing to do with what was going on right now.
Jim suddenly was able to understand where Spock was coming from though. It did seem highly unusual for his older self to perform a mind meld on him. At least, right now it did. Jim couldn't imagine that Spock would perform a mind meld on him ever, not even if the rest of the universe depended on it and humanity, Vulcanity, and other-species-anity would suffer an inevitable, horrifying, painful death if the meld was not performed. Yes, it would suck to be the universe in that scenario.
"It was inappropriate for my counterpart to have done such a thing," Spock said, breaking Jim out of his own thoughts of universal impending doom. "I apologize for his -my- actions."
Jim waved off his apology easily. "Think nothing of it. I actually kinda enjoyed it."
It didn't take long for Jim to realize that he'd said the wrong thing. Again. Spock stiffened and, if possible, became even more withdrawn before abruptly standing up to start cleaning up. Jim stood up as well, wanting to help, but the look that Spock shot back at him had him wilting back into his seat in concern and uncertainty. Two hesitant steps forward and three hurtling back. Well, he didn't think that it was going to be easy, but damn, it really couldn't get much harder.
"Spock," Jim decided to try after sitting in silence for a few minutes, just watching Spock's fluid movements around his quarters, "what's wrong?"
Spock turned around and looked like he was truly considering answering in a human fashion, before the Vulcan mask was back. "Nothing is wrong, as you say. I am merely confounded by what I have learned this evening."
Trying a tentative smile, Jim stood up again to walk over to Spock, who was so stiff he looked like a very dour statue. "What's to understand? The mind meld was out of necessity. It did no great harm to me, if any at all. No harm no foul, right?"
Spock looked slightly confused by the saying, but seemed to mentally shrug it off as he didn't ask about it, instead saying, "Maybe not, but he still committed a great crime against your mind."
"How?"
"By invading it without having explained in no uncertain terms the potential negative ramifications that it could have had on your fragile mind. He gave you no-"
"Wait...fragile mind?"
"As a human, your mind is not as strong and therefore is not able to withstand such a demanding intrusion."
"So humans aren't capable of handling a mind meld?"
"In a word, yes."
Jim felt like punching something. Anything. How had this happened? He was just trying to pacify his first officer's innate curiosity and all of a sudden he's being accused of being...well, he wasn't really sure what he was being accused of, but he couldn't imagine that having a 'fragile mind' was a good thing.
"What about your mother?" Jim asked, feeling his temper starting to get the better of him. And somewhere, in the back of his mind, a cruel voice questioned whether or not Uhura had been more correct in her assessment than he had originally wanted to admit. After all, out of all of them, she was the one who knew him best. Perhaps her opinion wasn't without merit. He immediately shook that off though. No, just because Spock was an idiot sometimes and said insensitive things didn't mean that he was incapable of emotion or love.
"She was an exceptional case."
"She was as human as the rest of us," Jim spat back. God, he wanted to punch something. Seeing as Spock was the only thing really available at the moment, Jim decided that it was probably best to restrain this desire. He had not so easily forgotten the half-Vulcan's innate strength.
"Indeed."
Silence.
"Fuck you."
Jim strode out of the room without looking back, not caring about the other man enough to see what kind of reaction he would get. Was it professional? Not by a long shot. Was it the smartest move? Considering the alternative, yes. If he'd stayed in that room, one of them would have ended up dead. And it wasn't going to be Jim.
Jim walked around for a minute before remembering that his room was right next to Spock's. Which meant that he had walked all the way to the turbolift for no reason. Sighing, he turned around and retraced his steps.
The closer he got to his room, the more he regretted his somewhat harsh words. As much as he hated to admit it, vulgar language didn't solve as much as he would have liked. Sure, it felt good at the moment, but in hindsight, it had probably done more damage than good. And despite all of that, he still found that he craved the other man's friendship, whether he cared about him right now or not. Which meant he had to go back and apologize.
Even if Spock should apologize first.
Jim groaned. He was so damn tired of apologizing for everything. Even things that weren't his fault (like this). Why was it his responsibility?
Oh yeah...he was the captain.
And to be fair, Spock didn't speak with the intent to harm. He was just being Spock. Logical, detached, tactless Spock. He had probably just thought that he was stating a fact-an inaccurate fact-but a act nonetheless. It wasn't even a real insult, if he thought about it. Jim just had a lot of pride, which, upon reflection, seemed to be getting him into trouble as of late. But had the comment really been necessary? Fragile minds...really? Well, he'd show him fragile mind.
Without realizing it, he'd stopped outside of Spock's door. Jim groaned again, and knocked on the door roughly before he could change his mind. Seconds later, the door slid open, Spock standing stiffly. He seemed genuinely surprised to see Jim before carefully schooling his expression back into it's typical stoicism.
"I'm sorry," Jim snapped and winced at his own tone. He supposed that it wouldn't be too hard to employ some amount of sincerity. "Really, I am. I was slightly out of line. Do you play chess?"
Spock didn't look like he knew how to react. Which was part of Jim's goal. As a fragile minded human, he certainly couldn't possibly have any coherent line of thought. And he was counting on it to befuddle his logical first officer to no end.
"No apology is necessary," Spock said, looking down in what Jim was going to classify as embarrassment. "I, too, was, as you say, 'out of line'. I forgot that your fragile ego could not handle such-"
"Fragile ego?" Jim interrupted, his anger already rising again. He was too stressed for this. He was getting angrier than he normally would and with greater ease. He should have known that coming back to talk to Spock. Bones would say it was bad for his blood pressure. Jim wouldn't disagree.
But Spock stopped talking, seeming to understand that he'd said the wrong thing. Again. Jim was torn between storming away and dealing with it later and staying to see what other mildly offensive things Spock might accidently say.
"I apologize, again, Jim. I did not mean-"
"Do you play chess?" Jim repeated with more insistence. He just wanted to forget any of this had happened. Spock would say he played chess and Jim would smile, say 'excellent' in his most maniacal voice and he would demand that they play a game and Spock would lose. Spock would lose badly. And if he didn't play...well, Spock would still lose, he'd just have to teach him first. Either way, Spock was going to be defeated by a fragile minded human with a fragile ego and he was gonna like it.
Yep, Jim was definitely delirious. But he didn't care. He was too angry and tired to care. Except about Spock. He still cared about Spock. That's why he had to beat him in a mind game. To prove that he was worthy. To earn his respect. To be a person who could challenge him.
"I do play chess," Spock said, a slight incline to his head. Jim took it to be his Vulcan modesty, but the unsaid words lingered in the air: I play chess and I am fucking brilliant at it.
"So do I," Jim said, and without really making a conscious decision to do so, he marched into Spock's quarters and sat down, looking back at him expectantly. "Let's do it."
Spock hesitated for a moment before moving over to grab his chess board and started to set it up before sitting down across from Jim. Jim was suddenly struck by the idea that he hadn't played chess for years. He looked over the board with a sweeping eye, a quick reminder of how to each piece moved. This was going to be easy. They sat there for a couple of seconds, Spock looking at Jim expectantly.
Oh.
That's right. White goes first.
Jim randomly picked up a piece and moved it. Spock followed suit after thinking for a few seconds.
The game continued like that for a couple of minutes, Jim moving a piece with no apparent motive and Spock moving methodically and logically. Every once in a while, Spock would hesitate and a flash of doubt would flash through his eyes, not being able to comprehend his human companion's method.
"So, Spock," Jim said after a while of silence. "I don't really know much about you."
Spock raised one eyebrow before moving his queen. Jim suppressed a smile. That was what he'd been hoping Spock would do. If things went his way, he could win the game in five moves. He moved his knight.
"What would you like to know?"
"I don't know. Do you have any childhood memories worth sharing?"
Spock didn't answer at first and Jim had a distinct feeling that he had brought up one of Spock's least favorite subjects. Regardless, Spock seemed like he was going to answer the question.
"I have no memories worth remembering, no," he finally said, moving his queen again. It was the logical move and Jim had expected him to do it. Grinning slightly, he moved his knight again, pleased at his fairly unstoppable setup. He had known that his lack of coherent moves would pay off someday. After all, a person can't win by logic alone.
Although, he should have realized that a person couldn't win by sheer chaos either as Spock moved his king in a manner that made Jim want to throw it at him. This would take some rethinking.
"Oh come on," Jim pressed, "I'm sure you have some good memories."
Spock shook his head slightly and raised his eyebrow in bemusement as Jim moved a pawn. "No, as a child I was an outcast, not belonging with the Vulcan children due to my human half. It did not matter that I was their mental equal, I was always excluded."
Jim was surprised. He hadn't thought that Vulcans were capable of blatant discrimination. It was illogical.
"That doesn't make any sense," Jim snapped, a new anger filling him. There were few things that infuriated Jim like discrimination.
Spock, who had just moved his rook looked up in surprise. "I assure you, Jim, that move is perfectly logical."
"No, Spock, I mean, yes. That move is logical." Ugh. Why did he even bother? Although, that move did make his job slightly easier and he moved his queen into a potentially fatal position. "I meant the blatant discrimination. It's illogical. How did they justify that?"
"I do not believe they ever tried to justify it," Spock replied, making his move. Damn, Spock was harder to beat than he had originally thought. Oh well, his plan for defeat could still be executed in one move, he'd just have to modify.
Jim just sighed. "I guess everyone needs their scapegoat," he said sadly.
"Indeed. Check."
Jim looked at the board intently before breaking into a large, cocky smile as he moved his bishop.
"Checkmate."
A.N.
So I forgot that I'm horrible at writing conversations. I'm still really nervous that Spock and Jim keep on drifting in and out of character. If you guys sense anything blatantly out of character, tell me and I'll try my best to fix it. I'm sorry about the delay. This was a harder chapter to write than I thought it would be. Thanks to those of you who keep on reviewing. You really brighten up my day guys!