Chapter 13

Jim couldn't explain it and probably wouldn't admit it to anyone, but he was avoiding his first officer like the plague. It hadn't been a conscious thought, and it certainly wasn't warranted, but it didn't change the one-sided icy chasm that had formed between the two men. And Jim wasn't sure he knew how to change it, even if he wanted to.

Spock had gotten his vision back only a few hours after his blinding headache, which had been a relief for both of them. Jim had started to miss always being present on the bridge and he missed Spock's presence on the bridge even more. Something just seemed to be missing when the science officer wasn't at his post. Aside from that, Jim was getting tired of trying to force the half-Vulcan to simply take care of himself and allow others to help him out once in a while.

Somewhere along the line, though, Jim found that he couldn't quite handle being around his first officer. At least not right now. There wasn't any real particular reason behind, but Jim was willing to bet that it was his own memory that was sabotaging his friendship with the half-Vulcan.

Recently, he had been having dreams about the incident on Organia. It was if he was reliving the event over and over in his dreams. Walking into the room where Spock was chained, taking in his bloodied body and sightless eyes. Jim couldn't handle it and awoke each morning in a cold sweat. Part of him thought that if he created distance between the two of them, then the dreams would stop. But even if that was the reason, it was only part of it.

The other reason was harder to explain and Jim wasn't even certain of it himself. Although, if he had to guess, it probably had something to do with the security tapes that he had confiscated from the security department. Seeing as he couldn't get any answers out of Spock regarding what had happened during his drunken escapades, he had done some detective work on his own.

What he came up with was decidedly better off ignored and, not for the first time, Jim regretted his curiosity and resented his power as the captain. If he had been any other person on this ship (minus Spock and Bones), he would have been spared the knowledge of just how stupid he was really capable of being. Who would have thought that being able to override everything on the ship with just a voice command could end up with such bad results?

Jim closed his eyes against the memory of what he had seen on the tapes. Hugging Spock, touching his face and ears...outright declaring that he liked said ears. Yes, Jim had made a mess of things. No wonder Spock had been so uncomfortable the morning after. Jim couldn't say he blamed him.

So maybe it was a sense of humiliation that kept him from actively seeking Spock's company. Or maybe it was sheer overexposure. He had seen a lot of Spock over the past few days. Perhaps he was merely growing tired of his presence. But Jim thought that was crazy. Spock was definitely one of the most interesting people that Jim had ever known. He didn't think that it was possible to get tired of him. Whenever he thought that he was finally getting a grasp on who his first officer was, he peeled back another layer and revealed something entirely unexpected.

Regardless of the reasoning, Jim had kept his distance from his first officer who, in turn, seemed to take a hint. Which is more than Jim could ever say.

And although he knew that it was irrational, Jim kind of felt hurt by Spock's lack of trying. If it had been Spock who was withdrawing from the friendship, Jim would have been at his door in an instant, demanding to know what was wrong. And yet, Spock had said nothing, speaking only when necessary. And Jim definitely felt slighted and offended. Wasn't he worth fighting for? Didn't he deserve a loyal friend in Spock after all that they had been through together?

These were the thoughts that occupied the young captain as he sat in his room, working on the stack of paperwork that he had been procrastinating on for the past week. It was exhausting and boring, but being a captain couldn't be all fun and games. Although, Jim wasn't sure why it couldn't be.

A buzz at his door startled Jim out of his concentration and he immediately stood up, thrilled at the possibility of a legitimate reason to take a break. He quickly walked to the door and opened it.

Spock stood stiffly, his arms tucked behind his back. Jim immediately felt his enthusiasm at a visitor evaporate and he found that, despite his previous thoughts, he didn't actually want to see Spock after all. And he couldn't explain why.

There was absolutely no good reason for Jim to want to avoid his first officer, especially considering all the energy he had already placed into their tentative friendship. And it wasn't that Jim even wanted to abandon said friendship, he just wanted a bit of a break to catch his thoughts and put them back in their place.

But he also knew that, on a starship, luxuries such as time were hard to come by.

"Spock," Jim greeted and found himself grinding his teeth in frustration when he replied with a tense, "Captain."

Jim stepped aside and allowed the half-Vulcan to enter his quarters. He turned back to his desk and sat down on top of it, looking at the other man expectantly. He wasn't going to start this conversation, not this time. This was all Spock's doing, and Jim was going to be a passive bystander.

Spock seemed to understand this, although he didn't seem to appreciate it as Jim could detect a hint of irritation in his brown eyes. Jim bit on the inside of his cheek to hide his smile. He simply wasn't in the mood to purposefully antagonize his first officer today, which said more about his current mood than anything else. Jim almost always enjoyed antagonizing anyone and everyone.

"Captain," Spock began, meeting his eyes after a moment and Jim took this opportunity to interrupt.

"Commander?" Jim countered. Two could play this game. If Spock refused to call him by his given name, then he wouldn't call Spock by his. He knew that it was childish, but hopefully it would get his point across.

Jim thought that it must have worked because Spock stopped short, uncertain as to how to proceed. The uncertainty only lasted a few seconds as Spock regained his composure. "I have noted that, for the past two days you seem to be avoiding my presence."

Jim wasn't sure how to respond. He'd never actually been called out on his bullshit behavior before. At least not by anyone who actually mattered. And not so bluntly, either.

Spock didn't continue, but the unspoken words lingered in the air anyway: What did I do? A flash of guilt went through Jim and he stood up and began pacing. Spock hadn't done anything. It was Jim. And Jim simply didn't have an answer for Spock.

Luckily, he was saved from the growing tension by a sound from the communications console. "Bridge to the Captain," came the voice of one of the night crew. Jim wracked his brains, trying to put a name to the voice, but came up empty.

"Captain here," he responded, hoping that the need for his name wouldn't come up.

"We're receiving a message from Starfleet. It's urgent."

Jim nodded. "Patch it through," he said and waited for the message. It only took a few seconds before the face of one of the Admirals, whom he couldn't be bothered to remember, appeared on the console.

"Captain Kirk," the man greeted him, nodding his head slightly.

"Admiral," Jim responded, hoping that he didn't look incompetent because he had no idea who he was talking to. He knew what his next task was after he finished his mountain of paperwork: memorize each and every name and face so that he was never in this position again.

The man seemed to realize that Jim didn't know his name and he bristled slightly but didn't comment on it. "We have a new mission for you, Captain," he said, using what had to have been the most patronizing tone Jim had ever heard in his life. Which was remarkable because he worked with Spock on a daily basis and that man had patronizing down to an art.

"You have been summoned to return to Earth for upgrades and minor repairs." The admiral paused for a moment and seemed to fumble with something off screen before turning back to Jim. "I am sending you a document with further details. You are to see to this immediately and sign off on the upgrades and repairs."

"Of course," Jim responded easily, and after an awkward goodbye, the communication link was cut. Jim glanced at the document that had appeared on the console and decided that Starfleet needed to adjust how they sent their information. Forty pages was simply too much for Jim to sit down and willingly read. Therefore, it probably wouldn't get done.

Unless he had Spock read it. He turned around and saw that he was still standing in the same position that he had been in before the arrival of the message. He abruptly changed his mind, seeing as it would probably look bad. Instead, he contacted the bridge and informed them of their change of destination and instructed them to make a ship-wide announcement. He was quickly informed that they would arrive sometime within the next twenty-four hours. Jim thanked the night crew and turned back to face Spock, who looked torn between running out of the room and standing his ground until he got some answers.

"Sit down," Jim offered, gesturing around to any of the open seats in his room against his better judgment. Spock tentatively chose one at the table and sat down. He looked up expectantly and Jim bit back a sigh. "Looks like we get that shore leave after all," he said instead of even attempting to answer Spock's unasked question.

And he couldn't say that he wasn't at least partly grateful for it and he was pretty sure that he wouldn't hear many complaints from the rest of the crew either. True, they had only been out and about for about a month, but with the amount of excitement that they often encountered with their seemingly quick and easy missions, everyone was running around with frayed nerves and grumpy dispositions. Even Chekov was getting a bit snappy as of late, and that boy was always in a good mood.

"Indeed," Spock agreed. "It is a much needed reprieve."

Jim chuckled slightly. "You've been back to work for two days and already you want a vacation?" he teased slightly.

"I have no need or desire for a vacation, Captain," Spock replied contemptuously, "but other crew members will undoubtedly appreciate the break."

"I concur, Commander," Jim said, sitting down across from him, determined to rub in the point of how annoying it was to be addressed by a title all the time. Spock, of course, seemed unfazed. He should have seen this coming.

A companionable silence fell between the two men and Jim was momentarily surprised at how easy it was. Just a few days ago, such a silence would have instantly been considered uncomfortable and undesirable. But something had changed, and it wasn't just triggered by the events on Organia. Of course, it was an influence, but it wasn't the sole reason. No disaster could create such a bond if something hadn't already been there.

And just like that, Jim couldn't imagine wanting any distance at all from his first officer. If anything, he just wanted them to be closer. He wanted to know Spock, truly know him. To understand his thoughts and to be able to read his emotions. He wanted to know his past, his present, his future, to gain perspective on the private man who sat before him. He wanted a friend, a best friend.

Like Bones...but sane.

He knew, somehow, that this was all that Spock wanted from him as well. And Jim thought that he could understand where he was coming from. For a person who hadn't had many, if any friends, in the past, Spock was probably clinging to whatever friendship he could find, no matter how dysfunctional it may be.

Which is why he and Spock weren't really all that different. Oh yeah, physiologically they were different and philosophically they had little in common, but that's what made things interesting. Jim didn't want to be friends with someone who was just like him. He wanted to someone to argue with, to debate with. Someone intelligent who knew how to get to him, but also knew when to back off. But then, someone who had the courage to stand his ground, even in the face of his unyielding rage. And he thought that this was probably what Spock wanted too.

But then, Jim was brooding. And Spock noticed.

"Captain?" Spock asked softly.

"Commander?" he responded, wondering just how long he had been sitting there with a contemplative look on his face.

"Are you quite alright?" he asked hesitantly.

Jim nodded and smiled. "Of course, I was just...thinking."

Spock nodded in understanding. Apparently thinking was something that the half-Vulcan could understand. Now if he had said feeling...Jim laughed at the imagined expression on Spock's face. If anything, the unprompted laughter increased Spock's concern and Jim tried to wave it away a shrug and a careless gesture.

"Captain?" Spock asked again.

"Commander?" Jim found that he was growing tired of this game. Spock wasn't getting the hint and 'Commander' just took so much more time to say. However, the continued exchange did seem to puzzle the logical man. After all, Jim rarely referred to Spock by his rank title. Mr. Spock, yes, but rarely Commander.

"Might I inquire as to why you are suddenly addressing me by my title, Captain?"

Ha, he finally took the bait!

"Well, Commander, I could ask you the same question," Jim replied, taking delight in the raised eyebrow.

After a moment, Spock seemed to formulate a logical response. "You are my commanding officer, Captain, and therefore it is only appropriate that I refer to you as such."

"Ah, but as your commanding officer, I am requesting that you call me Jim," Jim shot back. He couldn't help the small smile that spread across his face, although he tried his hardest to keep it from being too smug.

"It would be inappropriate."

"Even though you've called me Jim before?"

"It was merely a lapse of good judgement, Captain."

"Well, perhaps you should have more lapses of good judgement."

"That would be illogical."

"There's a reason we have first names," Jim sighed, trying desperately to mask the frustration in his voice. "Maybe we should use them."

"There is a reason our ranks have titles as well, Captain," Spock responded, a slight edge to his voice. However, Jim thought that he could detect the humor behind his tone. Jim smiled slightly before chuckling.

"Of course, Spock," Jim agreed and shook his head in dim wonder. A twitch tugged at the corner of Spock's lips, a sincere attempt at a smile. Jim's smile grew bigger at the sight.

"In the future, I will endeavor to call you by your given name, Jim," Spock said after a moment, conceding defeat to Jim's awesome prowess. Well, at least Jim thought it was awesome.

"That's all I ask," Jim smiled and pat the man on the shoulder in a friendly way before standing up and stretching his taut muscles. Spock took that as his cue to leave and he stood up as well and made his way to the door, uttering a quiet "Good night." Jim responded to the farewell similarly and smiled as the door slid shut.

It was weird to think that things between them had started out so rocky when things now seemed to just flow easily. But it was also nice to realize that any problems that might have been between them (because Jim really was an idiot sometimes) had been taken care of without any serious blows to anyone's ego or pride. Although, Jim figured that it was probably his ego and pride that had narrowly missed taking a beating.

Jim quickly prepared for bed and easily slid into a deep sleep. And for the first night in a few days, he woke up, not in the panicked state that follows a nightmare, but in a well rested, excited mood for the day ahead.

And he climbed out of bed and practically skipped to the dining area, greeting everyone in his path with a massive smile. He knew that they probably just assumed that their captain was excited about the upcoming shore leave, and maybe he was. But he couldn't help but be excited over his newfound peace of mind. Not even Bones's disapproving stare as he critiqued Jim's breakfast could change that.

"I think I'm going home to visit my daughter," Bones said when Jim asked him what his plans were for his shore leave. "I haven't seen her since I left for Starfleet, minus a few visits."

Jim's cheery demeanor dimmed slightly and he regretted bringing up the topic. He knew that his friend often felt bad for his lack of involvement in his daughter's life. And he knew from previous experiences that it was nearly impossible to cheer him up. Because every once in a while, Jim was just too damn realistic to be a really sympathetic listener. Not to mention, when Bones's was in a mood, there wasn't force in the universe cheery enough to bring a smile to the dour man's face.

"I'm sure she'll appreciate that," Jim said, lying through his teeth. And they both knew it from experience. Jim knew that he had always resented his mother whenever she returned home from her countless travels. No matter what she brought home with her, whether they were actual gifts or mere excuses, he just couldn't bring himself to care. She should have been there and she hadn't been. It was that simple.

And he knew that Bones realized that from the defeated slump of his shoulders. But he also knew that he would probably get incredibly wasted and be okay sometime within the next week, if not the next few days.

Bones looked up and a hint of his gruff self shone through as he attempted to shrug away his concerns. "You know," he said, "you're always welcome to join me." There was a hopeful undertone to his voice and Jim internally flinched away from it. He knew that it wasn't a purely selfish offer, as Bones knew all about Jim's home life. He knew that Jim disliked going home and that he had always had a hard time facing his mother. But Jim also knew what Bones's life was like and wasn't nearly naive enough to believe that Bones was merely trying to make his life better. He knew that he wanted someone with him, whether to alleviate the pain or just give him someone to rant to when things fell apart, Jim wasn't sure. Regardless, he knew that a vacation with Bones would be disastrous, no matter how much he cared for his friend.

"I can't," Jim said, feeling guilt tug at his conscience. After all, Bones had always been there for him. Mostly. But Jim didn't have the ability to face his own family, why would Bones think that he could handle someone else's? "I already have plans."

McCoy raised his eyebrow in surprise. "Really? What're you doing?"

Jim floundered for a minute before his eyes came to rest on his first officer, who was conveniently heading their way with a bowl of fruit in his hands. "I'm going, um, around the world in 14 days with Spock!" Jim exclaimed hastily as the half-Vulcan sat down next to him. Inwardly he rolled his eyes. The excuse sounded outlandish even to him.

Immediately one of Spock's eyebrows went up and Jim inwardly cursed it. He had forgotten that Vulcans don't lie, and even when they did, they had a tendency to fail epically.

"Really?" Bones replied skeptically, glancing suspiciously between the two men. Spock seemed to have decided that it was best to stay out of the conversation altogether and began to eat his breakfast.

"Well," Jim modified, deciding to at least attempt to make it sound believable, "we might not go around the world, per se, but there will be definite traveling. I was thinking camping, but Spock's fairly fond of beds and indoor facilities, so we'll see."

Spock looked up sharply at this fabrication, but didn't say anything, just giving him what was essentially the Vulcan glare. Which, by human standards, was really just a slightly furrowed brow.

Jim expected more questioning, but instead Bones just laughed. "And here I was feeling bad for myself," he said, shaking his head slightly before standing up. "Poor bastard."

With that, he made his way to the exit, leaving both men wondering just who the 'poor bastard' was.

"I was unaware of such plans," Spock said after a moment, glancing at Jim in mild amusement.

"Well, I had to come up with an excuse fast and it was the first thing I thought of," Jim said, shrugging.

"So where did you have in mind, Jim?" Spock asked after a moment.

Jim turned to look at him, shock flashing over his face at the surprise offer. He hadn't actually expected Spock to actually want to spend their shore leave together, although he definitely wasn't opposed to the idea. "What?" was the only coherent thing that Jim could express.

"For camping," Spock elaborated. "Was there any particular destination you had in mind?"

Jim shook his head slightly, not trusting his brain and mouth enough to attempt to say anything. "You actually want to go camping with me," Jim clarified after a moment, getting his mind and mouth to work in tandem again.

Spock paused before nodding slightly. "I am not disinclined to your presence and am therefore not opposed to spending my shore leave time with you."

Which Jim figured, in some odd way, was Spock speak for 'we're friends, that's what friends do'.

A.N.
Is Bones's daughter's name Joanne or Joanna? Or am I just way off? I know I could google it, but I like testing your seemingly infinite knowledge. Haha. Anyway, thanks for reading and for the reviews guys. It means a lot.