Chapter 19

Jim was lying in bed, his childhood bed, staring up at the ceiling aimlessly. Not for the first time this evening, he wished he were elsewhere. Anywhere. With Spock. Oh...Spock. Damn.

Inwardly, he cringed. He couldn't believe that he had gotten in a fight with his mother in front of Spock. Oh, that must have been so many different kinds of awkward. He'd have to apologize in the morning and then get the hell out of here. Right now, though, he just wanted to fall asleep and forget that any of this had even happened.

But whoever was suddenly knocking on his door seemed to have other ideas.

"Go away," Jim cried, his voice muffled by the pillow that he had flung over his face, hoping that it would make his surroundings disappear. "I'm asleep."

"Jim?" Spock's voice called out softly, almost tentatively.

Jim sat up instantly, a realization suddenly striking him. He'd been a horrible host, even if it technically wasn't his house to host in. He needed to show Spock the guest room and make sure he didn't need anything. He got up and walked to the door, pulling it open quickly, an apology ready on his lips.

Spock beat him, though. "Are you alright, Jim?"

Jim opened his mouth to respond with his instinct answer 'of course I'm fine, why wouldn't I be?' but nothing came out, leaving him standing in front of Spock, gaping. He hadn't expected Spock to check up on him. Downstairs, he could hear his mom rummaging around in the kitchen. Not wanting to another confrontation to break out if she suddenly decided to come upstairs, Jim stepped aside to let Spock in.

"I should probably show you the guest room and get you sheets and shit," Jim said, ignoring Spock's original question. But he didn't move, standing as if frozen by the door.

"That is unnecessary," Spock said, looking around Jim's room as if looking for clues to his childhood. "Your mother already showed me the room and it was prepared prior to our arrival." He paused for a moment and then took a step closer to Jim, moving slowly as if afraid that he was going to snap or break. "Are you alright?" he repeated carefully.

Jim looked up at him, meeting his eyes briefly before turning away. "Yeah, Spock, I'm fine," he sighed, moving to sit on the edge of his bed. "I guess I'm just tired."

Spock nodded and started to edge his way to the door, taking the hint for what it was. "I will leave you then," he said, hand moving to the doorknob.

"Spock?" Jim called out suddenly, stopping mid-motion. "I'm really sorry," he said, trying to project his sincerity. "I didn't expect," he floundered for a moment, unsure of how to label the 'kitchen incident', "I didn't expect all of that to go down."

For once, Spock didn't even question the human phrase. Instead, he moved away from the door and walked over to stand next to Jim on the bed.

"Apologies are illogical," he replied quietly, which, Jim figured, was Spock's way of saying 'it's alright'.

He smiled at him, one of his first real smiles since they'd ran into his brother yesterday. God, it seemed like an eternity had passed instead of just two days.

"Your mother seems like she is trying," Spock continued after a moment.

Jim turned to look at him, fighting a glare off of his face. "It took her long enough," he all but growled, feeling his anger creep back up. "It doesn't count if she spent the majority of my life giving up on me."

An awkward silence fell between the two men as Jim tried to regain a grip on his temper. He stood up abruptly. "I lied," he confessed as he began pacing around his room. Spock raised his eyebrow, but said nothing, waiting for Jim to continue on his own. "The day after my mom left was the day I drove my dad's car off the edge of the quarry. Not because it was fun and not because I wanted to die, but to see if she cared about me as much as she loved that damn car." He shook his head at the memory. "When Frank told her about it, she didn't once ask if I was alright. It was like I didn't even matter to her," Jim let out a bitter laugh. "It was then that I realized that she hadn't been joking. She wasn't coming home."

"But you still love her." It wasn't a question and Jim found himself at a loss, stopping him in his tracks. It wasn't that he didn't love his mom, but he wasn't sure that he didn't hate her either. But then, hate and love were practically synonymous. One doesn't hate someone that they don't care about. On doesn't hate someone unless they feel like they've been let down or betrayed. You only really hate the people that you love.

"I do," Jim said softly. "But I don't think that's enough."

Spock was silent for a moment before he walked over to where Jim was now leaning against a wall. He opened his mouth, but then paused in a very human gesture, apparently rethinking his line of thought. "I will always regret not informing my mother of how much I loved her," he finally said, meeting Jim's eyes frankly.

Jim had to restrain himself from sighing in irritability. Spock was supposed to be on his side!

"It's different, though," he sighed, throwing up his hands in frustration. "We're different."

Silence fell between the two men and Jim wasn't sure whether it was because he'd just accidentally insulted Spock by bringing up the differences of their species (although he doubted it) or just because Spock liked to brood over everything.

"I believe she has suffered enough," Spock said with a finality that suggested that there wasn't a force in the galaxy that could get him to change his mind.

"How do you figure?" Jim asked half-heartedly, feeling the exhaustion from the day catching up with him.

Spock tilted his head for a moment, merely looking at him before saying, "She has never gotten to know you."

It took a moment for the words to sink in, but they warmed Jim's heart in a way that he didn't think was possible. He figured that was the closest thing to "you're awesome" that he would ever hear. And it considerably lightened his current disposition. But he still wasn't completely willing to give up.

"So what, I should just act like nothing happened?" he asked, most of the fight gone from his voice. "Just pretend like it's okay?"

Spock paused for a moment, considering. "You do not have to forget, but you should forgive and learn to move on." Jim looked up at Spock, incredulity showing on his face. It felt weird getting emotional advice from a Vulcan, even if Spock was still half-human. As if reading his line of thought, Spock continued, "It is logical to rid yourself of things that cause you harm. Even if it is not in the way you would prefer."

With that, Spock left Jim to his thoughts.

~*00*~

Jim woke up the next morning internally cursing his biological clock. If he'd been on the Enterprise, he would've been late for his shift. But here in Iowa, on shore leave, 8 am was way too damn early.

Jim groaned as he rolled out of bed, flinching when his feet hit the cold, wooden floor. It'd been so long since he'd had to put up with an Iowa winter. Needless to say, he hadn't missed it. Quietly swearing to himself, he made his way to the shower, trying to get his shivering under control. He turned the water on as hot as it would go and eased himself in, relishing in the burning water as it beat against his skin. After a moment, he turned the water to a cooler setting. If there was one thing he missed on the Enterprise, it was water showers. Sonic showers simply didn't have the same soothing qualities.

Spock was probably already up, Jim figured and decided to speed up his shower, quickly shampooing his hair. He didn't really want to leave Spock alone for an extended period of time, especially not with his mother lurking around. He sighed and turned off the water, grabbing a towel before the shivers could set in again.

He quickly dried off and pulled on some clothes before going on a quest for Spock. However, it wasn't much of a quest, seeing as he found him down in the kitchen where he figured he'd find him.

"Morning, Spock," Jim greeted, stretching his arms above his head and yawning before sitting down at the table. Spock looked up from the datapadd that he was currently reading and nodded his own greeting before looking back down at the PADD.

Jim watched him for a moment before standing up and walking to the replicator to get some toast. With his plate of toast, he sat back down across from Spock again.

"So..." Jim began, trying his hardest to break the awkward silence. "What do you wanna do today?"

Spock looked up again and then set his PADD down, giving Jim his complete attention. "I have no preference," he replied stiffly. Jim forced himself to not roll his eyes. Apparently Spock still desperately wanted Jim to forgive his mother, or at least talk to her. And while Jim had definitely thought about what he had said (it was impossible not to), he still hadn't really gotten that much further than contemplating the ways his mother had hurt him. Sure, Spock meant well, but really, it was none of his goddamned business! This had absolutely nothing to do with Spock.

Nevertheless, he forced a smile and a pleasant tone as he responded, "To be honest, there's not much to do here." He thought about it for a moment and then suggested, "I guess I could show you around town..."

But that also meant seeing people in town who hadn't been so fond of him before he left- and not without good reason. Jim had been a bit of a terror and somewhat of a delinquent. He couldn't imagine that their opinions would change so quickly, no matter what planet he'd helped saved. Still, there was really nothing else to do. He looked up at Spock expectantly, waiting for him to respond. However, Spock merely diverted his gaze, but not before he saw the stark disapproval glaring at him from his dark eyes.

Oh. So Spock was playing that game.

Jim stood up and sighed. "I'll be outside," he snapped. "Come find me when you get over yourself."

"I do not understand," Spock's voice halted him at the door, soft and confused. Honestly, humanly confused. "How does one 'get over' oneself? I would not think it to be physically possible."

Jim felt a smile threaten his face and some of his anger started to ebb away. It wasn't Spock's fault. He really seemed to just be caring about his general well being. It was just...Spock couldn't understand. His mother had actually cared, had actually tried to be a decent mother, and had succeeded as well. Jim's mom hadn't been there.

Except, that wasn't entirely true. There had been a time when she had been there. And there was a part of Jim that agreed with Spock. He did need to forgive his mom.

Because part of him still was that scared little boy who needed his brother and wanted his mom. And even if he couldn't have his brother, this was a second chance with his mother. After all those years of feeling hurt and unwanted, his mother finally wanted to make amends. And it was a lot to forget, a lot to let go of and leave behind.

But he could still remember the times before she left, the times before Frank came into his life, when she still gave a damn. When she'd make soup when he got sick or hug him when he was sad. Back when her smile could light up a room and her eyes were filled with an undeniable warmth. He could remember her stories, playing games, her singing as she danced around the kitchen, a pot in one hand and a whisk in the other. She had been a good mother, and then things had slowly changed. As Jim grew older, her gaze became more haunted whenever it rested on him. Her smile grew dim and less frequent. And then she stopped singing. Then she met Frank.

And it wasn't Jim's fault that he looked like his father. But then, it wasn't his mother's fault that she missed him.

"It's not important," Jim said, not turning back to look at him. After a moment of indecision, he turned around, keeping his eyes glued to the tile in the kitchen. "You know, I'm nobody's bad memory," Jim said softly, looking up at Spock and meeting his dark eyes frankly. Spock raised his eyebrow and Jim thought he could see some understanding slip into his eyes.

"Of course," Spock murmured, almost looking apologetic for pushing so hard. He paused and then continued, "I apologize for pressuring you into a decision that you are not ready to make."

And damn it all, it sounded like a challenge.

Jim gritted his teeth and sighed loudly. "I thought apologies were illogical." He smiled to show Spock that he was joking. "I'll talk to her, but I don't promise it'll end well."

A noise from the doorway signaled the entrance of his mother and Jim almost groaned when Spock promptly stood up and excused himself, leaving Jim staring intently at the table and his mother frozen in the doorway.

For a moment, Jim was tempted to get up and leave as well, but Spock was right. And part of him really wanted for everything to be okay between them. And if that meant giving her a second chance and letting bygones be bygones, then no one ever said life was fair.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, still staring at the table.

She looked up at him and the ghost of a smile flickered across her face. "I know."

"I didn't mean it," he muttered, looking down, ashamed.

"Yes you did," she chuckled, and Jim looked up, surprise. He hadn't expected to find forgiveness in her after their harsh exchange. Although, to be fair, he had a lot more reason to be angry than she did. She sat down across from him and reached out a hand, as if to grab one of Jim's. She thought better of it and pulled back, but she kept her eyes on him, as if trying to take in all the changes, as if trying to see the paths he had taken to get to this point.

"I know saying 'I'm sorry' doesn't erase all the hurt I've caused you," she said, averting her eyes briefly before continuing, "but I'd say it a million times if it could ease just a fraction of your pain."

And what could Jim say to that. Spock might have been right. His mom did seem to have suffered. And if the suffering for both of them could end here...Jim really would like someone to come home to on shore leave or someone to comm once in a while.

"Why'd you just leave like that?" Jim asked quietly after a moment, the question that had bothering him since he read the note.

His mom hesitated, pondering what she wanted to say. After a minute, she said softly, "My place was always in the stars." It wasn't really an answer, Jim thought, but she continued, "And I wish that it could've been with you. It wasn't even that I didn't love you," she whispered, "or even that I didn't love you and the stars equally. They were just...easier."

And that, Jim could understand. The stars were easier. They had a way of not letting people down, of doing exactly what was expected of them. They never pretended to be something they weren't, never asked to much of you. And maybe Jim was looking too much into it, but he could still see where his mom was coming from.

And if he was honest with himself, he probably would have made the same choice his mom had if he had been placed in that situation.

"I'm still mad at you," he finally said.

"I'd be surprised if you weren't."

"But I don't think I hate you."

She looked up, surprised. "You have every right to."

Jim chuckled, surprising himself, "I have for a while. But it takes a lot of energy."

She nodded and stood up, walking over to the replicator. Jim watched her move around the kitchen. Yes, he was still angry, but he hadn't been lying. He didn't hate her anymore. It was hard to resist the call of the unknown, the call of the great black. And maybe she should have tried harder, but he couldn't fault her for being a Kirk.

"Hey Jim," she called from her place by the replicator. He looked up at her to find her looking at him with a tender expression that he hadn't seen since before Frank. She paused and then whispered, "I love you."

He felt warmth spreading through his body at her words and a small smile graced his lips as his mom went back to getting her food. He couldn't say it back, not yet, because he wasn't sure he meant it.

But he would one day.

A.N.

So I know a lot of you wanted Spock to get in Mrs. Kirk's face, but I didn't feel like he'd respond that way so soon after his own mother's death. I've noticed from experience that people with deceased parents tend to not understand family feuds. So I'm sorry if this reaction disappoints anyone and you'll get some of Spock's pov in the next chapter. Anyway, thanks for reading, it means a lot to me guys!