Chapter 20

This is what it's like to be Spock.

Every second of every day.

Contrary to popular belief, he can feel. He just controls it. But it's getting harder and harder. Whatever control he may have had is slipping. He feels like he's out of control. And he doesn't know what to do.

But it's not emotions in general that bothers him, it's what he's feeling. He could say that he doesn't know this feeling, that he doesn't understand what it means. But it would be a lie.

It is illogical to lie. Especially to yourself.

And, for once, he wishes the misconceptions about Vulcans were true. He wishes that he is emotionless, that his feelings didn't exist so that they couldn't betray him.

But wishing for anything is illogical. He learned this the hard way.

Wishing didn't make him wholly Vulcan. Wishing didn't stop the others from teasing him. Wishing didn't save his mother...

And wishing wouldn't stop these feelings for Jim. However illogical they are.

However, he isn't half-Vulcan for nothing. If Vulcans are good at anything, it is repression.

And if that didn't work, then it would be only logical to remove himself from such a situation.

And he understands logic, even if, for the first time in his life, he doesn't wish to follow it.

And he is confused.

~*00*~

Even pseudo-making up with his mother didn't staying in the house any easier. It was like waking up in a bad nightmare, waiting for Frank to come in and yell about forgetting to take the trash out, or how he needed him to get things from town, or how much of a disappointment he was.

And even leaving the house didn't make things better. There was nothing around! Just endless miles of corn fields. Jim could've gone the rest of his life never seeing a corn field and would not have felt bad. He was going stir crazy and he needed to get out. Now. Even if he felt kind of bad for leaving.

His mother stood in the doorway, watching him packing up the few belongings that he had used over the past few days. She said nothing, just watching him as he ran around the room, making certain that he had everything. Even when he turned and grabbed the bag to leave, she held her tongue, just stood aside so he could leave the room.

She followed him as he bounded downstairs to where Spock was waiting for him. Jim grinned at him briefly before gesturing to the door. Spock picked up his small bag and walked out the door, Jim and his mother following closely behind him. They put their bags in the car, and Spock got in the passenger's seat, leaving Jim alone to say goodbye to Winona.

They stood in awkward silence for a moment before she suddenly stood up on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. Jim froze, suddenly reminded of an older, easier time when she used to kiss him all the time. He was reminded that he missed her.

"You've got quite a first officer there," she said clearing her throat and smiling, making her seem years younger. Jim glanced over to where Spock was waiting for him and then back to his mom. Her smile widened, and then she winked before turning away to walk back into the house. "Be safe," she called over her shoulder.

"I'll keep in touch," Jim called out impulsively. She paused at the top of the stairs and turned around, the previous sadness back.

"I look forward to it," she whispered and then walked into the house, closing the door without looking back.

Jim stood there, just staring at his childhood home, wondering if he would ever be back again. He imagined that he probably would. But for now, he had a first officer waiting and a vacation to attend to.

He turned away from the house and got in the driver's side, and within moments, they were back on the road, heading back into town.

"Jim?" Spock asked after a few minutes of silence, an uncharacteristic concern coloring his tone.

"We should probably stop in town and get some food or something," Jim replied, completely ignoring the unspoken question. Spock didn't respond, so Jim took it as an agreement. Within ten minutes, they pulled into the town and Jim parked at one of the diners. Unless things had changed drastically in his departure, this was one of the best places to eat for miles. Which wasn't really saying that much, since miles really just encompassed corn fields.

They walked into the diner, a comfortable silence between the two men. Jim looked around and was pleased when he noticed that it hadn't changed a bit over the past few years. It was still a replica of the 1950's diners with posters hanging on the walls and some form of rock and roll playing from an ancient jukebox. Jim smiled. This had been one of his favorite places to hang out with his friends. He couldn't count how many first dates he'd had in the booth at the back of the restaurant.

"Well look who it is," a harsh voice drawled from behind him. "If it isn't Jim Kirk, savior of the damned, fucking earth."

Jim and Spock both turned to face the man, and Jim felt his stomach drop when he recognized. It was Jack, the owner of the hardware store across town. They had never gotten along, even before Jim had exhibited juvenile delinquent tendencies. Jack was a man who hated children, especially little boys. They were loud and messy and always had sticky fingers. Or something like that. Jim had forgotten most of the rant over the years. All he knew was that he was crazy.

"Hello," he replied politely, backing away. It wouldn't look good if the Captain of the Enterprise got into a brawl in bumfuck middle of nowhere, Iowa. And he didn't care how responsible he had become, part of him had always dreamed about punching Jack in the face.

"You've got a lot of nerve, coming back 'round here," he hissed, grabbing Jim's arm with an iron grip.

Jim opened his mouth to respond, but was beaten to the punch when he heard a shrill voice from behind him.

"How dare you!" a woman hissed. Jack's grip loosened and Jim pulled his arm away and turned to face the intruder.

However, when he saw who it was, he almost wished that Jack had just beat up on him instead. It was Sally, one of his first serious girlfriends before he had learned how not to be a jerk. He had broken her heart into so many pieces that she had spent the better part of his last few years in Riverside tormenting him. And he had to admit that she had every right to her hatred. If he'd walked in on her with his brother , he would've been pissed off too.

"He saves the planet and you're still bitching and moaning over past grievances that happened years ago?" she yelled, grabbing his arm and tugging him toward the door. "He's a hero!"

"More like a waste of space," Jack muttered, venom tainting his words, but he allowed Sally to shove him out of the room anyway. .She turned back at the door to look at Jim.

"Sorry," she whispered and attempted some shadow of a smile before following Jack. Jim sighed. Some wounds just never healed.

Beside him, Spock was standing stiffly, waiting for Jim to react. Jim was well aware that all the patrons in the restaurant had gone quiet and were watching him as well, waiting to see what the 'savior of the earth' was going to do. Well, Jim wasn't about to give them a show. He turned on his heel and walked out of the restaurant, making his way back to the car. He'd completely lost any semblance of an appetite anyway. Spock followed him, watching him intently. Any other time, Jim would've been flattered. Instead, he just wanted to hide from his gaze. How un-captainly, he thought dryly.

Once they were back on the road, Spock managed to find his voice again. "Are you alright Jim?"

Jim shrugged, carefully schooling his face into a mask. "Waste of space. No good. Disappointment," a harsh laugh forced its way from his throat. It sounded unnatural and cold even to Jim's ears. "They've said it so much they've lost their meaning. They're just words now."

Spock nodded in understanding. Jim glanced at him and for a moment, Spock's face twisted up, as if he were struggling with something. His face cleared just as quickly though and he just nodded again. "Waste of space. Freak. Illogical." Spock turned to look at Jim frankly. "It's illogical to address false claims from those who only desire to wound."

Jim smiled slightly, understanding what his friend was giving him. "It's illogical to make such claims in the first place."

"Perhaps," he responded. "A starfleet captain once told me 'Everyone needs their scapegoat'."

Jim smiled, brightly. "Sounds like a smart guy to me."

"Indeed."

And silence descended upon the two men, not quite as comfortable as it once was.

~*00*~

This is what it's like to be Jim Kirk.

To realize that he's never going to be good enough.

To realize that not even save the planet is enough...

He's still that fuck-up kid from Iowa.

He's not enough.

And who is he, really? Who does he think he is? Some kid who got lucky. Some guy with more enthusiasm than common sense.

But he knows that's not true. He knows he's a genius. But he also knows what people say about him. That he's only a pretty face, a good lay, always up for a good time. He probably slept his way to the top and will probably crash and burn when there's no one around to save his ass.

And maybe, once upon a time, that was true. But one can't possibly watch one planet be destroyed and help narrowly save another and not be changed at some subconscious level.

Not only that, but he's terrified of messing things up. Terrified of losing the Enterprise. Terrified of losing crew.

Terrified of losing Spock.

The more time he spends with him, the more he likes him, the more he's afraid that Spock won't like him in return. Afraid that he will learn something from his past that he cannot forgive. Or worse- will not forgive.

And the fact that he cares at all terrifies him more than anything else.

~*00*~

For a few miles, silence stretched between Jim and Spock, both lost in their own thoughts. Jim was so lost in thought that he found it hard to concentrate on anything else. It wasn't until Spock pointed out that they were going in the wrong direction that he tuned back into his surroundings.

"Goddammit," he muttered and promptly pulled an impromptu and illegal u-turn.

The silence only lasted a couple minutes this time, before Spock broke into it again.

"What was that man back in town referring to?" Spock asked, breaking Jim out of his thoughts.

"Oh, you know," Jim responded carelessly, trying to downplay the incident. "A grudge he just can't let go."

"Concerning what?" he persisted.

Jim suppressed a growl of annoyance. Deep down, part of him was thrilled that Spock seemed comfortable enough around him to press further into his personal affairs. However, he mostly felt irritated by Spock's desire to know everything. It was the damn scientist in him.

Jim sighed. Building bridges... "Nothing too bad..."

Don't tell him, his common sense screamed.

"It was a decade a go."

He won't understand.

"Back when I was just this angry kid."

Stop while you can.

Jim stopped and sighed again. "I haven't always been a good person...or even a decent person."

An eyebrow raised.

You're such a fuck-up.

"Some could say I was a delinquent."

You couldn't keep a good thing if it was chained to you.

"And I may have stolen from him."

He'll leave you now.

They all leave eventually.

Silence.

"Why?" Spock asked after a moment. Damn that scientist need to know everything.

"Why not?" Jim countered, shrugging. "I liked the thrill. It was late. I was bored. It was a breezy Saturday night. No friends, nothing to do. The guy's a prick anyway. Does it matter?"

Silence.

"No," Spock muttered, "I don't suppose it does."

Silence.

It grated on Jim's every last nerve. "Where to next?" he asked, forcing an enthusiasm he hadn't felt since they had run into his brother.

"Perhaps it would be prudent to return to San Francisco," he suggested tersely, turning his gaze to stare out the window.

Jim felt an overwhelming sense of despair overcome him. So that was it. Vacation over. All in all, it had been one failure after another. Jim would never be able to convince Spock to go anywhere with him ever again. But he could try. "Are you sure you don't want to take in some of the sights first? We still have a few days."

He was vaguely aware of the fact that he was begging, but he couldn't bring himself to care. He just wanted to leave Spock with one good impression, just one positive thing to leave him with.

Don't regret coming with me...

More damn silence. Hesitance.

"Did you have anywhere in mind?"

No.

"Yeah! Of course," Jim exclaimed, relief coursing through him.

"Where?"

No idea.

"It's a surprise!"

Spock sent Jim a measured glance before inclining his head in agreement. Jim smiled brightly and glanced at Spock out of the corner of his eye. He was looking out the window again, lost in his own thoughts. A flutter went through Jim's heart. He ignored it.

He returned his focus to the road and the first chance he got, he took a sharp right turn that would take them to who knows where. He didn't need to tell Spock that he really had no idea where they were going. It was a surprise.

And maybe, for once, he wouldn't fuck this one up.

A/N

Sorry that I took a five month break. Real life hit in big way called cancer. My mom was diagnosed on New Years. So, I'm sorry that it took so long and that this is shorter than most of my chapters tend to be, but I'm trying to get a grip on the characters again. So I apologize if they seem incredibly out of character. So does anyone have any ideas for where they can go next? Tell me in a review if you have a brilliant idea! Thanks for reading guys and sticking with my lousy updating skills.