The Sun and the Moon
Elissa was sitting up in bed with several thick quilts tucked in around her belly. She had pulled off the heavy drapes that covered the windows to allow the cool air into her chambers. She noticed that she was developing a strange habit of preferring her surroundings to either be blazing hot or frigidly cold. She did not want her child to suffer her odd flashes and made sure she kept her stomach warm while she let the frosty winter wind blow into her rooms. Her mabari hound was huddling against her feet upon her bed, curled together as tightly as he could manage in order to keep warm.
"Just a little bit longer, Dog." She stroked the mabari's large head. "I'll cover the windows as soon as I cool off."
Fergus was to arrive back at home at any day now and Elissa was craving his company. Ser Gilmore was kind enough, but even she could tell he felt awkward whenever the subject of babies came about.
Elissa went back to reading the thick leather-bound book that she had come across in her father's old study. It was written by Brother Genitivi himself, who had assisted the Wardens in their search for the Urn of Andraste all those seasons ago. She smiled in remembrance of the shy scholar who spent his life pursuing the ultimate truth, even if it contradicted the Chantry's teachings.
Brother Genitivi had written the book based upon his research on several notable female Grey Wardens. Elissa suspected he had investigated the subject thoroughly to see if there was a connection between the Grey Wardens and Andraste herself.
She scanned through the dusty yellowed pages of the book, hoping to see if there were any clues towards other women who have borne children after becoming Grey Wardens. As Elissa read the details of each Warden, she couldn't help feeling a sad sense of empathy for each of the tragic figures.
The story of Warden Sophia Dryden hit her particularly hard. The tale of the brave and courageous woman who was to inherit the crown…but instead was forced into joining the Grey Wardens. Her plans to rescue Ferelden from the tyrant King proved to be her undoing as she was quickly abandoned by her Warden comrades and was driven to a lonely death on Soldier's Peak. Elissa found herself deeply immersed with the story…it was a harsh lesson of what would happen if a Warden Commander found themselves more concerned with politics rather than with the threats of the darkspawn.
She sighed and shook her head. For now, worrying about politics was not going to get here anywhere. She turned to the next page and began to read Genitivi's observations about the elven Grey Warden Fiona. It seemed that Fiona was the most recent addition to the noteworthy female Wardens covered in the research…her accomplishments dating only a scant thirty years ago.
Suddenly, Dog whipped his head up and began to growl towards the window. Elissa looked out the window and saw nothing more than the dark night. "What is it boy?" She whispered, reaching for the dagger on her nightstand. "Do you hear something?"
She heard a faint scraping against stone. It sounded like somebody was scaling up the walls of the castle and coming towards her chambers. Elissa swore under her breath, regretting she had removed the covers from her window. She gripped the dagger in her hand, praying that her aim would be true and she would be able to protect herself and her child.
In an instant, she saw a body hoist itself onto the windowsill. Elissa quickly reacted and launched her dagger towards the unwelcome visitor. The man deftly caught the dagger in mid air between his gloved fingertips right before it pierced his heart. Dog had leapt from the bed and began to snap wildly at the man still perched at the window, trying to avoid the hound's sharp glistening teeth.
"Elissa! Calm down! It's me! Call off your mabari!" The man hissed, lifting his feet to her hound's attempts to reach him.
Elissa squinted her eyes. The only dim light in her chambers was from a lone candle that was flickering wildly at her bedside. "Nathaniel? Is that you?"
Nathaniel threw back the hood of his cloak and revealed his long black hair. "Yes! It's me! Call off your friend before he bites my limbs off!"
"Dog! Come here!" Elissa ordered. The mabari hound backed slowly away, making sure not to let the intruder out of his sight. He continued to growl menacingly as he returned to Elissa's side. She placed her hand on his head to soothe him.
Nathaniel gracefully jumped into the chamber and threw Elissa's dagger up in the air. She caught it with her open hand and placed it back on her nightstand. "What are you doing here, Nathaniel?" She demanded.
Nathaniel kept a safe distance away from Elissa, heeding the hound's low snarls of warning. He let out a frustrated sigh and gave her a stiff glare. "I don't appreciate you avoiding me like this, Elissa. I haven't seen you for over a season!"
Elissa felt taken aback by his steel gray eyes and his firm voice. She didn't realize how much she had missed them. Elissa cleared her throat and huddled deeper into her blankets. Her burgeoning belly was hidden safely in the covers. "Can't you see that I am ill?"
He gave a dramatic roll of his eyes. "Elissa, you are as ill as I am the Warden Commander of Orlais. Quit your lying at once."
She winced at his sharp words. "Why did you climb into my rooms like a thief in the night?"
"Because your soldiers refuse to allow me entry into Highever!"
Elissa let out a sigh. "Do you blame them? You are a Howe, after all."
Nathaniel crossed his arms. "I know who I am. I also believe they would have let me in if you had informed them to do so. You have been refusing to see me, so what other choice did I have? I simply climbed over the city walls and snuck into your castle." He clicked his tongue. "I must say, you should probably have a talk with the Teyrn about the guard's vigilance…I wasn't even spotted once."
Elissa set her book aside and calmly laid back into her pillows. Her palms were sweating with fear that he would notice her stomach under the quilts. "Why are you here, Nathaniel?" She repeated softly.
"You are avoiding me, Elissa." Nathaniel accused, narrowing his eyes. "Do not deny it and pawn it off on your fake illness. I have been worried sick about you. What are you trying to hide from me?"
Elissa quickly looked down from Nathaniel's accusing glare. "I…I'm sorry that I have worried you. It was not my intention."
Nathaniel took a step forward and Dog's growling rose an octave. "Have I done something to upset you, Elissa? Why are you refusing to meet with me? It's driving me mad that you have been allowing Anders to come and go as he pleases, but I am treated like the leper that nobody wants to acknowledge!"
"It…it's not your fault, Nathaniel!" Elissa said through her teeth, trying to gather her courage. "Something happened…I could not tell anyone."
"What can you not tell me?" Nathaniel asked angrily. "I thought you trusted me! I love you, Elissa! What in Andraste's name are you trying to hide from me?"
Elissa took a deep breath. This was not how she had been planning to show Nathaniel, but there was no way to escape from his demand. She patted Dog gently on his head and hushed him. The hound reluctantly obeyed his master and put his massive head between his paws, eyeing Nathaniel warily.
Elissa peeled away at the blankets that she had been buried beneath. She stepped off the bed and stood slowly on her feet. She gazed at Nathaniel evenly, with her hands resting protectively over her large stomach.
No words would have impacted Nathaniel as strongly as the sight he saw before him. The man has never found himself undone to such a vulnerable state. He sank to his knees in shock, his eyes were widened in disbelief as he stared at Elissa and the secret she had kept hidden.
Elissa took a careful step towards him. "Nathaniel…I am carrying."
An ice cold feeling ran down his spine. A million thoughts flew about in his head, refusing to allow him to sensibly retrieve his bearings on the situation. He looked up at Elissa with desperate eyes. "Who is the father?"
Elissa bit down on her lip and cast her eyes down, unable to answer.
Nathaniel quickly rose to his feet and took hold of Elissa's shoulders. "Answer me, Elissa! Is the child mine?"
Elissa's courage and pride dissipated as the tears escaped her eyes and streamed down her face. "I…I'm sorry…I don't know."
Nathaniel shook his head. "You're just playing around again, aren't you? Trying to trick me into some surprise? The child is mine, isn't it?" He insisted, tightening his grip on her arms.
Elissa covered her mouth with her hands to stifle a sob. She slowly sank to her knees, her tears splattering on the cold stone floor. "I'm sorry."
Nathaniel ran his hands through his hair in aggravation. He was very well aware of Grey Wardens who carry the stigma of becoming childless after accepting the taint. The situation of Elissa carrying a child was unbelievable and too far-fetched for him to grasp. What was worse, she couldn't confirm if the child was his…which would mean that it could also belong to the King.
As hard as he tried to rationalize it all, the circumstances still angered him. Elissa kept it all a secret because she couldn't trust him. He knew very well that a child born from a Howe and a Cousland would not be well received, Hero of Ferelden or no. If the child belonged to the King, it would inherit the throne. He would inevitably lose Elissa before he got the chance to ask her for her hand in marriage. He felt his future shatter before his eyes as he watched Elissa quietly sobbing on the floor.
The sound of soldiers marching and the iron gates lifting broke the silence. Nathaniel quickly went to the open window to see what was happening. "It seems that your brother has safely arrived back from Denerim." He murmured, gazing into the distance as several guards began to light the torches along the city walls to announce the Teyrn's return.
He turned back to Elissa, who was holding her stomach gently with one hand while wiping her face with the other. She reluctantly lifted her eyes to look at Nathaniel, who was gazing at her with an unreadable expression.
"I'm going to take my leave before the Teyrn finds me here." Nathaniel leaned out the window to see if there were any guards patrolling the grounds below.
Elissa simply nodded, unable to find her voice. Nathaniel deftly perched himself onto the windowsill. "This is still a shock to me, Elissa. Bear with me while I try to think all this through…of all things, I never expected something like this to happen."
He glanced back, his brows furrowed. "But I want you to know this…I meant it when I said I love you. I will see you again very soon."
Elissa watched Nathaniel jump nimbly from the window and out of her sight. She was still kneeling on the stone floor, numb to the winter wind that blew in through the open window.
She saw Nathaniel's expression as she revealed herself to him. She had hurt him so deeply by keeping her unborn child a secret. Nathaniel, who had placed his utmost and utter trust in her, was now in complete turmoil because of her betrayal. She did not think that he would understand her condition…and because of her lack of trust, she had caused him terrible pain.
Dog crept up from behind and nudged her back with his nose. She threw her arms around her faithful hound and began to weep bitterly against his shaggy neck…the same unconstrained tears she had wept on that fateful night when Highever fell to the hands of Rendon Howe.
Their heavy armor clattered loudly as they ran down the dark cobblestone streets of Highever. Thankful for the dark and the lack of patrol guards, they headed towards the Cousland's castle, which stood at the heart of the newly rebuilt city.
"Do you think they've seen us?" One soldier turned to his comrade who was running by his side.
"I do not know. It seems like the Teyrn and the others are too occupied to notice our disappearance. Which is good, yes?"
"Let's hope that he's kept busy for a while longer then."
The two men in Denerim armor slowed their steps as they arrived at the castle, sticking close to the shadows to avoid being seen by the watchmen. They crept along the back walls, looking for a way inside.
"With all due respect, Your Majesty…do you even know where you're going?"
"Of course I do!" Alistair hissed through his helmet. "I visited Highever several times while it was getting rebuilt. I never thought I would have to sneak my way in. It's not my style, Zevran."
"As long as you are aware of your shortcomings." Zevran sighed. He was feeling quite clumsy and ungraceful while stuck inside the suit of armor they were using as a disguise. He was glad Teyrn Cousland never caught on to their identities…it was difficult for him to imitate a Ferelden accent.
Alistair pointed towards a lone lit window towards the west wing of the castle. "There…that's most likely where Elissa is at. That's where the family chambers are located. That back door leads straight to them."
"Delightful." Zevran whispered, noting the positions of several guards stationed around the castle walls. "There are ten men that are between us and our lovely Warden Commander. If you allow me out of this hideous armor, I can easily stealth and rid ourselves of each one quickly."
"Absolutely no killing." Alistair ordered, wishing the rogue could see his glare.
"Bah, what is the point of bringing me along if I cannot slash a few throats?" Zevran muttered as he quickly took off his helmet, briefly reveling in the freedom from the constraining armor.
"Make it quick, Zevran. If anyone notices our tracks in the snow, they'll figure out something is amiss quite quickly."
Zevran threw off the last piece of plate to the side and stretched his arms to the sky. "Do not worry about my skills, my friend. Your one concern is to get to that door as soon as I am finished." He nimbly twirled his dagger between his fingers. "Shall we begin?"
Elissa immediately stopped her weeping as soon as she heard the loud sound of running footsteps outside the corridor. She heard the noises of random doors being swung open and slammed shut, each was followed by a frustrated swear. Is it another attack on the castle? She thought in panic. As she hugged her hound closely, she noticed that he was not growling in defense as he always did when there was a stranger in their midst. Dog's ears were perked upwards, his tail was wagging in anticipation.
The door to her chamber burst open and a fully armored Denerim soldier stomped in. Dog broke away from her hold and was jumping in circles around the man, barking happily.
"Who are you?" She demanded with a cracked voice.
The soldier kicked the door shut behind him and took off his helmet. Elissa gasped in shock at the sight of the familiar grin that she has not seen for far too long.
"You call that a welcome?" Alistair laughed and threw his helmet to the floor.
"Alistair? What…what are you…?" Elissa stuttered. Maker, why did you curse me with such a terrible night? She frantically thought and wrapped her arms around her stomach.
Alistair bent down to pet the dog that was jumping wildly on him. "You've been ignoring my summons and your brother would not allow me to visit. I never thought I would have to sneak into your home like a bandit in order to see you!"
Elissa attempted to dry her tears with the sleeve of her nightgown. Her face was still wet and her eyes were swollen red. "Alistair! This is not the right time! Go! Just…go!" She shouted, turning her back away from him, praying he didn't see her belly. She could not bear to have two rejections in one night.
Alistair winced at her harsh tone. "Elissa, are you still angry at me? I swear I did not abandon you that night in Vigil's Keep!"
"Please!" Elissa begged. "Just leave me, Alistair!"
"No, I will not!" He obstinately stood his ground. "I came here for a reason and Zevran can only buy me so much precious little time."
Elissa kept her back to him and shook her head, unwilling to listen. For Andraste's sake, why did the man have to be so stubborn?
"Elissa, I love you. If I cannot be with you, then I am going to renounce the crown." Alistair stated.
Elissa then whipped her head around to stare at him with wide eyes. "What? Alistair, you cannot do that! What would happen to Ferelden!"
"If being King means being unable to be with the woman you love, then sod it all. I don't need to be King. I need you by my side, Elissa…there's no one else. I'll simply tell Eamon I forfeit the crown and give him…"
"No!" Elissa yelled in denial, her voice shaking. "You cannot do that!"
"Why not?" Alistair insisted as he stepped towards her. "What point is it to be the King if I can't choose my own Queen?"
Elissa steeled herself and decided it was going to be now or never. She quickly stood up and spun around to face him, showing him her stomach. "Don't you dare abandon everything over someone like me! Look at me, Alistair!"
He opened his mouth to give her a reply but the words disappeared as he saw her condition. He felt his heart skip several beats as his mind tried to grasp the sudden turn of events. After several moments of gaping at her belly, he met her eyes with an awed expression. "You're…carrying?"
Elissa rubbed her red eyes, willing herself not to cry again. "Yes…!" She choked out in frustration.
Alistair took a hesitant step forward, close enough to gently place his hand on her arm. She did not shrug off his touch. "Have you been crying?"
"No…!" She near shouted, her lie obvious.
Alistair felt a sharp breeze blow in from the open window. He shivered at the cold and frowned. "Maker's breath, Elissa…it's colder in this chamber than it is outside! This can't be good for the baby." He quickly walked over to the window and pulled the heavy covers over it, stopping the howling winter wind from entering the room.
Elissa didn't realize how numb she had gotten from the cold. Alistair went to the small fireplace on the opposite end of the room and began to start a fire. "I'm glad you have some firewood handy in here. I know you're most likely prone to flashes of hot and cold in your body, but believe me, the baby will appreciate the warmth."
As soon as he had the fire going, he took off his gauntlets and tossed them aside. Alistair strode over to Elissa and nudged her towards her bed. "Hurry up and lie back. We'll get you covered up in the quilts while the room warms back up."
She didn't protest as he pulled up her blankets and tucked her in. He took her frozen hands and began to rub them between his, trying to warm them up. "Your hands are like ice!" He chastised her. "I'm surprised they haven't broken off."
Elissa looked up at him in astonishment. "How…how do you know so much about this sort of thing?"
"Ah…Lady Isolde was carrying Connor a few years back. Eamon requested I come back to Redcliffe for a visit during that time. What a terror she was to deal with." Alistair shuddered theatrically. "To this day, I think Eamon summoned me so the Arlessa had another target to drive mad. No surprise to say that I was kissing the Chantry mother's feet in gratitude after all that."
Elissa stared at Alistair's clear amber eyes. She had forgotten about his easygoing personality…and she wondered how he could be so calm after she had given him such a scare. "Alistair…" She murmured, tightening her fingers around his. "Why aren't you angry at me?"
Alistair gave her a stern stare with a smile twitching at his lips. "Believe me, I am quite angry at you. You will have to expect a thrashing as soon as you're well enough to handle it."
"I'm serious, Alistair." Elissa's expression was pained. "The child I'm carrying…it may not be yours."
"I kind of figured that out for myself. I'm not that stupid, despite what everyone must think." He replied.
"What do you mean?" She whispered her question.
"Well…I have to think about it from your perspective, don't I?" Alistair gave her a rueful grin. "There you are, the new Warden Commander…and the King you loved has wounded you horribly. I am not surprised if you found comfort in another man's embrace. Of course I'm not thrilled about it…but I understand. Considering the fact that you and your brother have been actively keeping this a secret from everyone and not just from me…I'm assuming this means that you are also hiding from your other paramour, is it not?"
Elissa was taken aback on how Alistair had guessed everything so easily. "You are taking this…too well…"
"Believe me, I had several long weeks to come to terms with the idea of you being with someone else." Alistair gave her an honest stare. "Nathaniel Howe came to me right before the Warden celebrations to tell me he would be pursuing you."
"You know it's Nathaniel?" Elissa felt her face pale in shame.
"Yes…which is making me question your taste in men…ah, I just insulted myself, didn't I?" He chuckled. "He came to me like it was a challenge. He announced quite confidently that he would be able to completely win over your affections. To be perfectly blunt, I wanted to shove him through the wall…but I decided against it."
"Please stop being so kind to me." Elissa requested softly. "I do not deserve your compassion. You cannot change the fact that I gave myself to another man."
Alistair shook his head. "I consider this fair punishment of sorts. As we speak, Morrigan is somewhere with her baby…which I am partly responsible for." His smile faltered. "At the very least, I know that our child won't turn out to be some sort of demon spawn."
Elissa caught Alistair's phrasing. "Our child?"
He nodded and put her hands to his lips. "I don't care if our baby is of my blood or not. It will be a part of you and that is more than enough of a reason for me to love the child. I will claim the baby as my own, if you will allow it."
Elissa shook her head vehemently. "Alistair! If this child isn't yours by blood, there is no way you can claim it as your own. You are King!"
"I told you." Alistair repeated obstinately. "If I can't have you by my side, I will renounce the crown. King or no, I will make sure that I will care for you both."
Elissa felt the tears spring into her eyes yet again. She quickly blinked them away, trying to copy Alistair's stubborn expression. "I cannot let you throw away the miracle it took to put you on the throne."
Alistair gave a warm-hearted laugh as he bent down to touch his forehead on hers. "I believe the real miracle is what you are carrying in your womb at the moment. And trust me, I have no intentions of throwing such a gift away." He paused as he stroked her cheek. "I love you, Elissa. Please...don't run from me again."
She felt his warm fingers trace against her face. She didn't give in to the urge to weep again, rather, she did not want to feel the small light of happiness that sparked inside of her. She felt the flood of Alistair's warmth wash over her, evaporating the cold feelings of despair that she had lived with for so long.
"What a fool you are." Elissa whispered, closing her eyes.
"You as well. What a pair we make." Alistair mused and gently pressed his lips against hers.
A/N: I think I wrote and re-wrote this chapter too many times to count. I don't want people to think that Nathaniel was completely kicked to the side (because I take kicks from being evil ^^). Writing this chapter made me realize how much I love Zevran! XD But that's a different type of story for now...
Thanks so much for your sweet comments as usual! The end will come very shortly, I promise.