Disclaimer: Don't own.
A/N: Second chapter, from Severus' POV. Memories are included. Forewarning, some of the history between Severus and Harry is pretty dark. There's the "venting anger on each other" stage, which was in no way a sexual relationship, then the actual relationship. The flashbacks aren't in order chronologically, but I have them dated. If anyone wants me to post a timeline, let me know.
If I haven't mentioned it before, the main part of the story starts in August 2004.
I could still use a beta, so anyone who's interested, message me through the website. If no one volunteers by next chapter, I'll start looking for one.
The next chapter shouldn't take so long. Thank for the reviews!
Chapter 2 – Past Lives (Severus)
He woke up but he wasn't exactly sure he had slept. To be truthful, he hadn't felt this horrible after a night's rest since the balcony, which didn't sit well with Severus at all.
The balcony might have been the event that finally brought them together, but it had been the worst day in Severus' life. What was happening now was nowhere near as bad as that day, he knew, and he found himself on his side, staring at the sleeping young man.
Harry was here, alive and not hating him. That is really what mattered, because if Harry's feelings, along with his memories, were erased, Severus knew that Harry wouldn't let him near him, let alone sleep in the same bed. Severus knew there wasn't much chance of the memories returning, no matter what the mediwizard said, which meant that if he was going to hold onto Harry, he would have to start new memories instead of trying to find the old.
And really, Severus realized, he didn't have one idea as to what an 18 year old Harry would want – because that is how old he was in his memories. He was more innocent then, despite the fight against the Dark Lord, and as if his reaction so far was any indication, rough sex was definitely not a good way to keep his trust.
What was most teenagers' idea of a relationship? Dinners, he supposed, entertainment. Dinner was easy – Harry's favorite restaurant was in town – but the entertainment was a bit harder. Muggle movies always seemed to be an impersonal way to spend time with someone, even if it was what they mostly did when Harry's friends were at the house.
He was sure there was a strip club in town, as a way to get Harry on the subject of sex . . .
Severus shook his head. He wouldn't force him into anything but he also didn't want to divert his attention to someone else.
Perhaps he'd ask Harry what he would want to do after dinner.
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August, 1999
"You would hardly qualify as someone I would want to spend precious time talking to, Potter," Severus answered, following the young man to their destination. He knew he should have chosen the place himself instead of letting Potter, because the hallway they were walking down was in much need of repair and he was sure the room itself was going to be, too. And, probably, that much more unsanitary.
"You're talking to me now," Potter said flatly and Severus decided then and there that he would control when they got together. He hated Potter's way of finding obscure places when Severus would just rather to get it over with quick. There were always plenty of places where no one would find them that were clean and weren't out of the way.
As Potter unlocked the door, Severus pushed him inside, angry that there was only Potter to do this with, yet glad it was Potter because it was he who caused most of his anger.
Even now, when the brat was no longer at Hogwarts.
Severus pressed him up against the wall, hard, and he could tell the boy was in pain.
Good, he thought.
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Lunch was quiet. He had insisted that Harry took the meal with him – he made enough for two, he had told him – but it was awkward, being at the table.
"Did you have any plans for this evening?" Severus asked him as Harry stood up to put his plate in the sink.
"No . . ." he answered. Severus was surprised he hadn't contacted any of his friends but didn't say so.
"Perhaps we could eat out, tonight. I was thinking High Below." Harry looked down at him with a blank look. "It's your favorite restaurant. You would always get food from there at least once a week, with or without me."
"Oh," he answered. "Like a . . . date?"
Severus sighed. He wasn't sure what to make of this Harry. When he had stumbled upon him a year after he had graduated, whatever it had been that made him so angry had already happened. Severus never asked him what had happen, but for the first time, he wondered if it had changed him too much.
"I suppose you could call it that," Severus answered slowly. "We usually go out to eat once in awhile."
"Wouldn't that be . . . strange?"
Severus stared at him, trying to determine what it was that made him so hesitant but he gave up. For as much as he understood about Harry right now . . .
"What would be strange?"
"Well, that . . . we're going on a date. Wouldn't some people find that strange?"
That was probably the first time Severus realized that before he and Harry started their relationship, Harry might not have given thought to having a relationship with a man. After all, it wasn't as if they had started by dating or liking each other. The reason for the meetings had been pure hate the purpose had been to vent their anger.
Ignoring the sharp realization in his stomach, Severus stood and stepped close to Harry, relieved that he didn't back away. "They would have no reason to think it is strange, Harry. We dine at the restaurants in town frequently. Neither of us particularly enjoys cooking, most the time."
"Oh." Harry didn't look up and Severus took one more step, not touching but he was close enough to make him uncomfortable if it wasn't what he wanted. Harry didn't move back.
"Dinner tonight."
Harry finally looked up. "I'm not dressing up," Harry said quickly. Severus nodded. At least that hadn't changed. Severus went to put his hands on his shoulders, but Harry stepped back. "Look, I . . . what do we usually do?"
"What?"
"What do we do? Do we talk or . . . or . . . do anything?"
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October, 2002
"What are you doing?"
"Reading impossibly incompetent reports that never should have been assigned. What are you doing here?"
"Impossibly incompetent? That sounds odd." Harry leaned against the desk, and looked down at him, grin on his face.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was bored."
"So you come here to pester me." Severus put down on his quill and put the stopper in the inkwell.
"Apparently I'm good for nothing else; you've told me that enough," he said flatly.
Severus sighed at his bringing Harry's mood down. He's had so few of them in the past year.
"You're good for a few more things than that," Severus said, resting his hand on Harry's leg.
"I heard there's a Halloween ball this year," he said, standing up and moving across the room.
"Nothing more than Flitwick decorating the Great Hall and putting up a few music charms. Same as the past two years."
"They never had that when I went here."
"Be grateful. It would have just been one more center of teenage drama and the entire school's atmosphere would have been in turmoil. It will take weeks before the students settle afterwards."
"Your garden is overgrowing again. I took out a few weeds but . . ."
"The garden will be fine. It will start snowing soon, anyway."
Harry sat on the couch Severus brought into his office once Harry started visiting. It wasn't very often, and it was usually for more of a reason than he was bored. The young man always had something to do and the majority of the time, it didn't involve him.
"I don't know why you wanted such a big garden. It's bigger than the house and you only worked on it maybe three times after you planted it."
Severus didn't see the point of answering. For someone who couldn't spend more than ten minutes pulling weeds, he wasn't expecting him to understand how being in the garden could be relaxing.
"I also tried putting some decorations up. I thought it would be nice, seeing as I have a house to decorate." Harry paused. "Being on a ladder putting things on the roof is sort of boring, too."
"You were on a ladder? Why didn't you just use your wand?" Severus stood and stood behind the couch.
"It seemed more traditional, I guess."
"For someone who isn't capable of magic, perhaps. Your balance is horrible. You shouldn't be on ladders."
"I'm fine," he said quickly. "I was getting headaches, though. Went to St. Mungos."
"Harry." Severus forced Harry to look at him. "When was this?"
"A couple days ago. Just some pressure again."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"It was just a headache," Harry told him. "That's not why I'm here, though. I have a job starting in a few days. Some bloke claims he has an infestation of . . . something I've never heard of before. It's probably just harpies."
"You really should quit that job."
"And do what?"
"Find a real job," Severus answered.
Harry was opening the door before Severus could process he had stood. "Where are you going?"
"Home, I guess." He didn't turn around.
"Harry."
"What?"
"Don't leave. You never visit." Severus stood behind the couch for a few moments before he realized Harry wasn't going to shut the door. It was a few moments more before he managed to pull himself and walk toward him. "You should stay here for a few days."
"What's the point of us building a house if it's never used?" Harry asked but shut the door anyway. "You know, I like it better when you're home."
"Well, I would never know that. You spent half the summer in the hotel because I annoyed you in some way or another."
"Not that much," Harry said. "It was two weeks. Why do we always do this?"
"What's this?" Severus asked, making sure the door was charmed locked.
"Fight. I mean, I know we don't exactly love each other, but . . . we like living together."
"Which is why you're staying here for a couple of days."
"Yeah," Harry said, sounding somewhat disappointed.
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Severus watched Harry as he looked around the restaurant. "This is my favorite place to eat?"
"Yes." Severus looked around, too. "The food's good. And," Severus lowered his voice, "it has memories."
"Memories?" he asked and Severus could tell was trying to think of what those could be. It was true, though. There were memories here. Most of them horrible, but the few good ones were good enough that they built the house close to this town. That was Severus' reasoning. Harry never did tell him his. "This room looks like something could jump out at you at anytime. Don't they have lights?"
"They get turned on turning the day. They light the candles at night. It fits the mood."
"Which is . . ."
Severus gave Harry a smile, but from his look, it wasn't something he was expecting. "Dark. And you loved that." Not loved like he loved his friends. It was more . . . something he craved, Severus contemplated. Putting down his fork, he looked at Harry closely. "You acquired a dark sense of humor since I knew you."
"Since when? It's not that I don't believe you . . ." – Severus could tell he didn't – "but this doesn't feel like me."
Severus sighed, feeling like this was too much. "It's years, Harry. Things have happened that you've never told me, before and after any arrangement we've made."
"Right. I look older, I feel different but I don't know why. And you can't tell me." Harry's voice was flat
"There's a lot you've kept to yourself."
"I just wish I could remember," Harry answered after ten minutes of them eating, watching one of the older candles burn out. Severus kept quiet. "I think there's a lot that you could tell me, if you wanted to. You know about us."
A few more bites, using the time to think, and Severus took in a deep breath.
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November 1998
Severus' walk was fast-paced as he moved to escape the crowd of people. The nearest door, unfortunately, wasn't much of an escape route, merely a balcony.
He thought it would be different, but everything turned out to be about Potter. The boy did poorly on his OWLs, and of course, he got blamed. The brat had been distracted the entire year and sure, Severus didn't go out of his way to help him, but the boy wasn't interested. If he gave him a few more detentions than were completely necessary, they were for a good reason.
To be honest, seeing Potter for the first time since he left Hogwarts brought out more violent thoughts than he would have thought. He was surprised he managed to keep himself calm as Potter stood there, looking around as if plotting something. Insolent, as usual; paying no mind to those around trying to talk to him.
He had thought the ball would be different. Now, he had an Order of Merlin, and even if it wasn't first class it was still recognition. Severus wasn't looking for crowds of people to talk to, but more than three verbal commendations would have been nice. No, the praises went to Potter, who had done nothing more than been lucky at the correct time.
Severus had never been more pleased that Potter never became an auror. To imagine Potter as a dark wizard hunter was to imagine the entire wizard world under Dark power. One could be lucky only so many times and as an auror, he would have had no one looking out for him.
Now, as Severus heard from Albus, Potter was working for a freelance agency. Or, rather, a company that disguises itself as a freelance agency; it was more of a temporary work placement company, as less than half of the earnings ever see past the owners. It was dangerous work, usually, and Severus found himself hoping – not for the first time – that Potter would be seriously injured during one of the jobs.
Not killed, of course. He rather hoped that he would get the chance to tell Potter what he thought of his haughty attitude.
Severus sat in one of the provided chairs, ignoring the few comings of young wizards and witches and accepting the admirations of those few who recognized him for who he was. He debated leaving, but he promised Albus he would stay for the duration. Apparently, someone Albus wanted him to meet was coming in an hour.
It was just his luck that, after half an hour of sitting and enjoying the peace, Potter would come through the doors and lean over the railing. It disgusted him even more that it was quite apparent the brat was drunk.
And not holding onto the drinks very well, at that.
Eventually, Potter slumped into one of the seats and Severus stood to leave, sick from the smell of alcohol brought to him by the wind.
"I hate you," he heard as he neared the door. Severus paused but opened the door. The ramblings of a drunk were never worth the time spent talking. "I hate you. It's all your fault. If you hadn't . . . if you hadn't . . . I wouldn'tda . . ."
Severus closed the door, wondering if anyone knew Potter was out here. He glanced at the door, glad to realize there were no windows in the door. Of course there wouldn't be. The outside darkness would have ruined the feel of the décor.
"You would put all the blame of your actions on someone else, wouldn't you?" Severus drawled, interrupting whatever drivel was coming from the boy's mouth. He felt his anger coming back when Potter didn't respond and he took the few steps it was to the chair, looking down at him. He was slumped in the chair, eyes closed, but Severus didn't believe he was sleeping yet.
For the first time ever, Severus realized that he did wish Potter dead. With this realization, he felt calm in his anger.
He wasn't sure why, but with his hand around Potter throat, he felt that much better. Potter's eyes opened when he realized he had trouble breathing but the boy's eyes didn't show fear. They didn't show much of anything.
Realizing what he was doing, Severus let go and left the balcony, feeling that much better, but hoping that Potter wouldn't say anything. Potter was drunk, and hopefully, he would assume it was a dream. Standing at the snack table, Severus debated going back and oblivating him, but when he turned around, he was faced with Albus and an equally old man.
Severus sighed.
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"So we hate each other, still? We just . . . have sex, and that's it?"
"No," Severus answered. He didn't tell Potter everything, but he did summarize that their relationship started out as a way to let out their anger. Sex had nothing to do with the arrangement. "I'm not sure of your feelings on the matter, but . . . something made me realize that I no longer wanted to hurt you."
"But I still wanted to hurt you."
"No," Severus repeated. "This is why I didn't want to tell you. You wouldn't understand without your own memories."
Harry sat there, obviously contemplating what that meant. "But I'm not going to get those back, am I?"
"I suppose it's possible. I'm not a mediwizard." Severus paused. "Do you hate me?"
He wasn't sure why he asked. Severus was sure he wouldn't like the answer; this man had Potter's memories, not Harry's.
"No," Harry said after a bit. "I don't know why, because all I can remember is you being horrible to me . . . well, except for the least two days. But I don't hate you. I'm trying, too, but I don't know you."
Severus nodded and was about to say he was willing to start over when a bell rang through the room. "That's the door," Severus explained when Harry looked panicked. "And you charmed it, so don't complain."
"That's so annoying," Harry replied, shaking his head.
"That's why you charmed it." Severus stood and walked toward the door. "We had a small argument and you had friends coming later that day. You had done several other things to annoy me, but this is the only one that stuck. You decided it was convenient and made it permanent."
Harry followed him. "Permanent, as in . . ."
"I suppose it is possible to change the noise or even cancel the spell, but neither of us has tried."
Severus opened the door to find Albus Dumbledore reading a book on a transfigured chair. What probably used to be his chair.
"I hope you plan on transfiguring the chair back," Severus said sharply.
"Ah, Severus." Albus stood, banished the book and transfigured the chair to its original form. "I wasn't expecting you so soon. It usually takes longer for someone to answer." Harry stepped out onto the porch, looking around. It wasn't his first time seeing it, so Severus was surprised Harry looked so confused. "Hello, Harry. How are the krumpnuggets fairing?"
"The what?" Harry asked, leaning against the railing. Instinctively, Severus pulled him away and then pulled his arm away. They were at ground level; falling over the railing wouldn't hurt him.
"Harry wouldn't remember," Severus explained quickly. "There seems to have been a side effect of the sleepers hex. He remembers nothing of the past six years. In any case, I've been watering them, and they are fine."
"It shouldn't be much longer and they'll emerge." Albus looked at Harry. "You were excited when Severus gave them to you."
"What are they?" Harry asked again.
"Oh, you'll see," Albus said, walking into the house. Harry hesitated and Severus stayed back.
"What they were was supposed to be a surprise, anyway, but you found out on your own." Harry gave him a dubious look. "I'm sure Albus is here to offer you the defense position. Do you think you could handle it?"
"Yes!" Harry answered immediately. "I mean, yeah."
This time, Harry didn't hesitate entering the house.
"I'm sorry to hear about your memory, Harry," Albus said, sitting once he and Harry were seated. "It is something we can work around, I'm sure. New memories are always being made." He glanced at Severus. "I'm sure Severus here has already told you, but I am offering you a job as a professor in defense. It might be harder without the memories of recent experiences, but I'm sure you'll make do."
"I'd like that, sir," Harry answered and Albus chuckled. Severus supposed it was because Harry hadn't called Albus 'sir' in four years.
"No need for the formality, Harry. Call me Albus." Harry shrugged and Severus quelled the urge to roll his eyes. "I will owl you information, then. As you probably know, you are not required to be at Hogwarts until the opening feast – you may take the Hogwarts Express, if you wish – although you may instead come when Severus does, if that pleases you. Don't hesitate to ask me questions, either. I will hopefully supply enough of past lessons that you can determine what will need to be taught, but there have been several more professors since you have left, not all of them terribly organized. One professor managed to make it two and a half years, though, so I do not believe the curse is the reason."
"Oh," Harry answered, and Severus was sure he had forgotten about it.
"All of them had been incompetent fools who either hated children or were irresponsible the classroom. I'm surprised none of the students were killed," Severus explained to him. It didn't seem to help much, so Severus thought it might be that he was afraid he wouldn't work as a teacher. "You filled in for a few weeks and the children seemed to like you teaching. You'll do fine."
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January, 2003
"I was thinking of starting this project with the fifth years, to help with OWLs, but Albus says he has someone starting in two weeks." Harry sounded forlorn.
"They won't last long. They never do. Perhaps after this one, I'll suggest you as the next replacement."
"Thanks. Then who will be here to replace me if I die halfway through the school year?"
"You won't die. The curse has dissipated."
"You don't know that."
"But would you? Take the job if it was offered?" Severus asked. The week Harry had been there, Severus realized he liked having him there for longer than the few and far between visits.
"Of course. Why wouldn't I? I'm not afraid of any curse. I've had a few curse-breaker jobs, remember?"
"For two of them you were in St. Mungos for a week." He finished writing the comments on the third year's paper before drying the ink and letting it roll up.
"Well, sure, but I broke the curses, didn't I?"
"The trick is to do it without getting hurt. You weren't properly trained for half those assignments they gave you."
"Maybe, but I learned from my mistakes, didn't I?"
Severus shook his head. He didn't want the conversation to continue in this direction. "You know my opinion on the matter."
"We should go somewhere," Harry said, changing subjects and rearranging his legs so he was sitting on one in the chair.
"Perhaps the kitchen," Severus replied as he sat down next to him. "You haven't eaten all day, have you?"
"No." Harry paused. "No, yes, I've eaten. But no to the kitchen." He paused again. "I mean, we should go somewhere. Abroad, maybe."
"And you couldn't have suggested this two months ago?"
"Well, I didn't think of it, then. This summer," Harry decided. "I'll take time off work."
Severus quelled the urge to suggest he quit his 'job' – again – and pulled Harry's hand close to him. "I suppose we could do that. Any place in particular you have in mind?"
"No . . ." Harry scooted closer and Severus smiled, knowing he was no longer thinking of holidays. "Can we go to our room?"
"What's wrong with my office?" Severus asked, knowing Harry's answer. His thoughts usually ran along the traditional lines.
"Well, er . . . there's no bed."
"Ah." Severus pulled Harry back down when he tried to stand, then forced him to sit back, Severus' lips close to his. "Maybe here is just fine," he stated. He saw Harry glance at the door. "Don't worry, Harry."
Severus kissed him, but Harry pushed him away almost immediately.
"No. The bedroom. Please?"
Severus sighed but stood and pulled Harry along with him.