Saved - Chapter 3

I wasn't enough. Plain and simple.

The words sounded so final and had a bittersweet ring of truth. I couldn't help the feeling of my stomach churning, threatening to spill its contents. The words had cut, leaving a deep wound. Saying them out loud and in front of someone else had finally made them true. I had always known I was out of depth with Edward, with all the Cullen's for that matter.

I sat next to Jasper on the beach and watched the light from the moon dance across the surface of the waves. I expected to feel the all encompassing pain that usually went with my logic, but it didn't come. All I felt was a total numbness taking over my body. I welcomed it, I had wished for it for so long, the release from this pain.

In this moment I knew he was gone. My heart would no longer recognize him. It would be like a form of amnesia. In biology I had learned there are some animals who would play dead in order to not be attacked. That's what my body was doing. It was protecting itself from further harm. I guess you can only stand in a fire for so long before it finally consumes you. I had been awash in pain and now it was gone. It would live deep within me, but the flames had been put out, leaving me cold and empty.

"You were enough for us," Jasper's voice said softly beside me. He didn't look at me, he just continued to gaze out over the water with his ageless eyes.

"You're wrong," was all I could say in response. "I think you should take me home now."

He nodded his head and grabbed my hand to help me up. I flinched back away from him. He was one of them, a vampire, a Cullen. I knew the action would hurt him and I was right. A flash of guilt crossed his features, but was then replaced by a calm acceptance.

It seemed to take forever for us to reach Port Angeles. Jasper didn't seem to mind the slow speed, but I guess when you're going to live for eternity a few hours meant nothing. It wasn't the length of the trip I minded, I just didn't think I could take the stone cold silence that permeated the air in the car any longer. I felt no need for conversation, but in the close interior my ears found it odd that there were no words to say.

In my brief admission on the beach I had forced the past out of my life. I couldn't say I was looking forward to the future because that was a lie and I was going to make sure I didn't lie to myself again. For now, I was going to live in the present, regardless of how my life would press in on me. I had finally gotten what I wanted; freedom from my past, from Edward, from my own emotions.

Jasper's car slid soundlessly into a spot outside of our townhouse. I didn't ask for any more information. It would mean nothing to me now.

"Thank you for showing up. It was kind of Esme and Carlisle to think of me. Please tell them it meant a lot to me."

I got out of the car and headed to the front door. Before I could slide the key into the knob a cool hand grasped my warm one and turned me in another direction.

"You still have a family, Bella. Whether you want us or not!" He didn't raise his voice while speaking. He delivered his lines in that smooth, serene voice that reminded me so much of the calm head of the Cullen family. "Did you ever stop to think of what it was like for the rest of us? Do you not know the guilt each of us has felt with our desertion?"

"How could I know anything, Jasper? All of you left without a word. As far as I knew, you were all happy to go because in all this time none of you ever came back or ever said a word indicating otherwise." The wave of sadness and guilt rolling off him hit me hard, but I stood silently, unaffected, staring at my feet.

"Bella, Carlisle and Esme lost a daughter they had come to cherish. Alice and Emmett lost a beloved sibling. Rose, even in all of her selfishness, feels guilt for leaving you behind. Even I have felt remorse. Along with that, I'm shouldering the weight of everyone else's emotions along with my own. I know it was my fault we left. I put you in that position, and it's because of me you're here alone now."

I tried to block out what he was saying. It wasn't that his words stung, they just made the emptiness inside me grow. "I'm truly sorry for the disruption I've caused within your family. Please tell them all how much they meant to me. Outside of that I have nothing left to give my past. There's nothing left of me to give."

I walked away from him, not daring to look back. It wouldn't do me any good to see the look on his face. I know he could feel the deadness with me, and it would surely be reflected on his face. It would only serve as a reminder, an image that would be burned into my mind until the day I died.

"I'll be staying in Forks for a few days. We're putting the house up for sale. There's nothing left for us here now. Contact me if you need anything."

I heard the car pull out and turn the corner, and I knew he was gone.

I picked my keys up off the ground that I hadn't even realized I'd dropped in my haste. I walked into the living room and sat my stuff down on the hall table. I made my way from room to room trying to imprint these walls on my memory and erase the previous ones.

My dad and I had left everything at the old house, furniture, dishes, everything. We started new.

In the living room the walls were a bright white, with only one photo hanging to break up the colorless expanse. It was a picture of my mother, my father and myself as a child. The couches were a deep brown microfiber. They were used so little, you could still smell the packaging they had been wrapped in during shipping. There was no television in the room. As a matter of fact, the only one in the house was in Charlie's room so he could watch games.

The kitchen followed suit with bright white walls, as did the walls in the rest of the house. We had decided to leave colors out of the new house. I couldn't look at anything that had a particular shade of gold or red. My father, not one for flash and brightness anyway, had willingly gone along with the white scheme. Hanging above the small island in the center of the kitchen were pots hanging from a rack. They, as well as most of the things, went unused. Nothing collected dust because I was meticulous about cleaning, I just couldn't bring myself to do any of the normal things I used to do.

I peeped my head in through Charlie's door and saw that he was fast asleep. I smiled when I heard a soft snore escape his body. I would miss my father while I was gone. I had grown used to his presence the past year and a half. I would miss the quiet evenings filled with him reading the paper on the couch. I would miss the dinners we would have out. I would miss the comfort of knowing he was only a few feet away in another room at night.

I closed the door quietly and made my way into my room. It was the plainest room you could imagine. Everything was white. The carpet, the walls, even the bedding. The only thing that broke it up was the black metal head and foot board of my bed. There were no pictures of friends from parties scattered around, there were no school books, or any books for that matter. On the desk there was a pencil sitting in a small cup, and a lamp. There were no loose papers littering its surface and there were no doodles like you would expect to see in a teenage girl's room.

I sank down onto my bed and looked over to see my suitcases out and ready to be packed. Deciding not to put it off any longer, I pulled all my clothing down from the hangers and from my drawers and folded them into meticulous, neat piles, arranged by color. With that done I pull out the new tan leather handbag my mother had sent me as a graduation gift. I filled it with my wallet, checkbook, credit cards, passport, and a tube of lip gloss. I packed an extra cell phone battery and charger. With my task done, I had nothing left to occupy myself.

Jasper's words repeated over and over in my head. Knowing I couldn't stay any longer I grabbed my keys and piled my suitcases into my SUV. I called the airline to see if I could change my flight. The first destination I was visiting was Prague. I would have to leave for the airport in four hours if I wanted to catch the next flight. It was worth it. I couldn't stay here any longer and allow my life to continue this way. Even a few days was too much.

"Mmm?" the sleepy voice of my father mumbled as I tried to wake him up.

"Dad?" I prodded his shoulder gently.

He opened his eyes and looked briefly at the small alarm clock on his nightstand and then at me. "Bells? What's wrong?"

"I have to go, dad. I called the airlines and had my flight moved up. I just can't stay any longer. I need to get away," I pleaded with him. Hoping he wouldn't ask too many questions.

He sat up slowly, shaking the sleep from his eyes. "What brought this on?" He seemed thoughtful for a second and then his eyes narrowed sharply as he remembered the events of this evening. "What did he do?"

"Nothing, dad. I promise. I'm just ready to go. I don't want to wait any longer," I said calmly.

I reached over and hugged him to me tightly. "Don't forget there are three meals a day. Ice cream does not count as breakfast food. Laundry needs to be separated when it's done. Lights in one load, darks in another. Oh, and never wash bright colored clothes with anything else. Towels, too. They lint badly when they're in the dryer." I broke off trying to remember if there was anything else. "My cell number is on the fridge and I left you a few calling cards so you can call me. Also, next week a Mrs. Caldwell will start coming every Thursday. She's your cleaning lady. I've stocked up on products so she shouldn't need anything for a while."

Charlie smiled at me and pulled me into his arms once again. "Call me when you land, kid. I love you."

Deciding to not have him walk me out, I kissed his cheek and locked the door on the way out.

I took my time driving. It took everything in me to not turn and make one last stop by the Cullen house as I passed. To avoid it, I turned the stereo up and rolled down the window.

I checked my bags and waited for the plane to board. When they called my row I walked through the gate and looked back once to say goodbye, not only to this part of the world, but more importantly I was saying farewell to the girl I once was.

I put my carry on in the overhead compartment and settled myself down into the seat. It was going to be a long flight. I heard the woman behind me ask if they were showing a movie. The flight attendant had assured her they were. It was some comedy or another with some well know funny actor. It didn't interest me. I let my head fall back against the soft fabric of the seat and closed my eyes.

I could hear the flight attendant calling out instructions for what to do in an emergency and saying when the drink cart would be by.

"Sir, you need to take your seat. We're taking off in just a few minutes," her voice interrupted to chastise a late boarding passenger.

I felt the seat next to me lower as the man sat next to me. Joy, just what I needed. Someone to sit next to who had no respect for schedules or other people's concerns.

I slowly opened my eyes as an old familiar scent reached my nose. I looked over and felt my heart pounding in my chest.

"Jasper! What are you doing here? You shouldn't be on a plane." I shot him a dark look. It was dangerous for him to be here. There were so many people in such a small enclosure. He would be bombarded second after second with their wide range of emotions and their continuous pumping blood.

"None of that matters. I'm here to save you."