A quick note!! I want to apologize in advance for this not soo inspired chapter. I have actually been having alot of inspiration problems for all of my stories. The majority of the credit for this chapter goes to my beta, dollybigmama. She added to it and fixed it, making it oh so much better than what I originally sent to her!! So please, take it easy on my heart and don't leave tooo too bad of a review. Enjoy!

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Chapter 8

I guess it was the little things that always surprised and affected me the most; a soft whisper in my ear, a heated gaze or even a brief touch. I tried to write it off as a fluke, but thinking back on it, I felt my breath catch in my throat and my body start to blaze. It had been wonderful, but forbidden.

I hadn't really allowed myself to happily touch another person again, not Charlie or Angela, not even my mother. But the moment I had seen Jasper at graduation, I had flown into his arms. And in his arms was where I had no place being.

I looked over at Alice, who was sitting next to me in the backseat of the car. She hadn't said anything since we left. She just sat there with her brow furrowed in deep concentration. Her face was troubled and that only served to worry me further. I had only seen that look a few times and it always accompanied a vision. She looked so sad, so full of tragedy that I could feel a lump rising in my throat. What had she seen?

We arrived at the shopping plaza quickly. I could see the exhilaration on both Rosalie and Esme's faces, but there was none on mine or Alice's. Esme tossed the keys to the valet and hauled the rest of us into the large mall.

All through the air there was this buzz, kind of like having a bug near your ear. It was probably from the massive amount of energy it took to power this place, my cynical mind thought. The people walked around, large smiles on their faces and arms loaded down with carrier bags. I couldn't help my grin. Shopping to some really did cure everything.

Alice walked up to me and looped her arm through mine, a friendly gesture that would have looked innocent to anyone passing by, but I could see her eyes and knew her well enough to know it was a ploy.

"Oh, are you two going off on your own?" Rose asked, obviously disappointed.

In all honesty, so was I. I was counting on all of us being together. I was genuinely looking forward to spending time with Esme and being mothered. I couldn't explain it, and the only people who would understand were those who had grown up without a full family. There was also a small part of me that was arguing the point knowing I only wanted to be with them to save myself from whatever was bothering Alice.

"Yeah, if you don't mind. I really want to catch up with Bella," Alice replied. Her voice seemed happy, but there was an underlying hint of anger and perhaps malice.

Rosalie gave me a hard glare and I knew what it meant. She didn't want me to mess it up. I forced a smile on my face and gripped Alice's arm tighter. I tossed a fearful look at Rose, and she shook her head. A bright smile graced her lips and her white teeth gleamed under the artificial light. She wouldn't help.

"Ready?" I asked Alice, hoping she would just lead me into a store and turn back into her usual ecstatic self.

Come to think of it, since arriving at the Cullen home Alice had been more subdued around me. She seemed to have lost some of her vibrancy. She was colder, harsher. More on edge around me. It struck me as odd because out of all the Cullen's, we had understood each other the best. She was definitely acting odd and intuition was telling me it was because of my re-emergence into their family.

I watched Esme walk off with Rose, both of them chattering away about which shops to go in. Esme was adamant about going into the home decor store and Rose was arguing about stripes versus patterns. She swore if she was going to have to look at five hundred shades of blue, she was going to start pulling apart her body for something to do. I laughed upon hearing that, but wished I was going with them. I had a feeling dismemberment may be more pleasant than what I was about to face.

Alice led us to the coffee shop situated in the center of the mall. She didn't want to walk slowly to get there so I had to ask her a few times to slow it up. I ordered myself a large latte and a plain coffee for Alice. I knew she wouldn't drink it, but it would give her hands something to do. In my mind all I could see was her attacking me for thinking adulterous thoughts about her husband. I just hoped she didn't throw the scalding hot coffee in my face.

We sat in silence for a while. She alternated between bringing the cup up to her lips and tearing the small sleeve around the cup apart. I had never known Alice to be this tense. She was even setting me on edge more than I usually was.

"Bella, I know things between all of us have been tense," she said at last, her light gaze traveling all over the shop until it finally came to rest on me. "With that being said, you do forgive us, don't you?"

Remembering promises of dismemberment from Rose, I was quick to say my apologies and remind her I was here now because I wanted to get to know all of them again.

"Of course I forgive you. Sometimes we all have to do what we think is best, not only for ourselves, but for others we care about. What you guys did was try to preserve your family. I understand that now and I don't blame you for leaving. If I had been in the same situation I probably would have chosen your path as well."

I knew that was partly a lie. There was a time when I would have given up everything to be with Edward. I constantly kept my family in danger by selfishly keeping him near me. I should have been relieved they made the decision to keep me, and by extension, my family, safe. I hadn't seen it that way until now.

She let out a deep sigh of relief, and I was sure she would be ready to go then, but she wasn't. Her golden eyes darkened and narrowed. She pursed her lips into a thin line. "So, I'm correct in assuming you wouldn't do anything to break the family apart now. Right?"

I gulped and hoped it wasn't too noticeable. "No, I wouldn't. I don't plan on it and it's definitely not on my 'to do' list in the conceivable future."

"OK, let me ask you this. What would you do if Edward came back?" she asked offhandedly.

My chest constricted as she spoke his name. I had asked myself that very same question time and time again since he left, and each time the scenario played out differently. In the beginning, if she would have asked me that, I would have said nothing in this world could possibly make me any happier than to jump into his arms and force his teeth into my neck, binding me to him forever. As time has worn on, however, the scene has evolved down to a calm acceptance of his return, but not with me falling into his arms like the naïve child I used to be. He left me behind soft and broken. Time had only managed to cure the softness.

"Honestly, Alice, I don't know. I think with time I could forgive him, but that day is not today. I would like to believe I could give him a chance to say his piece, but I just don't know if I would really be able to hear it. I'm not sure if I would be able to resist tearing him to pieces at the moment."

I felt silent tears run down my cheeks and fall onto the lid of my coffee cup. I reached my hand up to brush them away. I hated that he could still hurt me, even without him being near me. I felt weak because of it.

"Answer me this, Bella, and be totally honest. Would you take him back or would you move on?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

I thought of Jasper immediately, and then cursed myself for thinking it. The look on Alice's face made my heart fall into the churning pit of my stomach.

"Bella, please don't do this to me. I can see it starting and I don't want to have to watch it with my sight and see it happen before my eyes. Please, for me. Stop this from happening, stop it before it even begins," she pleaded.

She had seen. What, I wasn't sure, but I knew it had to do with Jasper and myself.

"I wouldn't intentionally do anything to hurt you, Alice. I don't know what you're talking about," I lied, but deep down I knew. Even though nothing had been said, and even though no feelings had been reciprocated or even acknowledged as really being there, there was something.

The worst part was that the little voice inside my head was screaming at me to touch him again, to recreate that moment of feeling, to feel that spark that once again told me I was alive.