Thank you to my beta, Dollybigmomma!

Chapter 9

The days with the Cullen's, since the awkward conversation with Alice, had dragged slowly, almost at a snail's pace. Her words and thoughts of me wrecking the family followed me around the large house like a lost puppy looking for a new owner. I couldn't deny that she had been hinting at what I had been feeling. I wanted to feel alive. I wanted to feel that breathlessness again, I wanted... I didn't exactly know what it was, but I wanted to be near Jasper again, to touch him, to feel.

"Penny for your thoughts?" a soft voice sounded in my ear, causing a thin layer of goosebumps to cover my skin in exhilaration.

I turned and smiled at him. "Only a penny, Jasper? I think I should at least charge a quarter for them."

He chuckled deep in his throat, and to me, it was a beautiful sound.

"Really, what is it that has you out here on this cold stone bench, all alone in a house full of people?"

"I don't know. I think being here is maybe more than I can handle," I said softly, admitting the truth only to him.

I felt him sit down next to me, close enough that I could feel the wool of his pants brush against my thigh.

"I think maybe you're over thinking, taking everything too seriously, darlin'," he said, his voice deep and playful.

"I guess you're right, but that's how I've always been. I can't change it, although if I could, I would." I let a half smile cross my lips as I leaned back and crossed my legs at my ankles.

He looked at me for a moment before letting a chuckle escape. "I guess you're right and I suppose I'm not one to talk."

"No, you're not," I laughed with him.

"So, you want to tell me what you're really doing out here?" he asked as he plucked a yellow rose from the blooming bush beside him. He handed it to me after having removed the thorns first. I twirled the delicate flower in between my forefinger and thumb, letting its rich fragrance reach my nose while I thought of what to say.

I had been here for almost a month. Being with Esme and Carlisle had been like a soothing balm to my heart. I delighted in my time with Esme. We spent time together in the kitchen, baking and trying out new recipes, even just sitting in front of the oven with her arms around me. She was a natural mother and I reveled in her attention. My mother had never been this way, so I soaked it up like a dying man in the desert with his last drink of water.

With Carlisle, it was just…different. Charlie was a wonderful father, but he didn't show the type of affection most fathers showed their daughters. We had always been more like roommates rather than family. I didn't doubt his love for me, especially in the months after the Cullen's had left, but there had always been a barrier in between us- my mother. But with Carlisle, he didn't hesitate to put his arm around me, to get involved in educational debates, or anything like that. We spent the majority of our time out in the garden. You wouldn't know by looking at the blond doctor, but he loved to tend to the garden. The flowers bloomed around his hands like an animal received a good scratch.

I had spent time with Emmett, watching horrible action movies and overdone comedies. I played video games with him until the wee hours of the morning, getting totally trounced with every game. After every terrible loss, he would just pop me on the shoulder with his fist and laugh, claiming that he would lose the next game for sure. I was positive that Emmett was way too competitive to allow himself to lose, but I didn't say anything.

With Alice things were a bit stiff. She was edgy around me, and often had a faraway look to her eyes. She didn't laugh, only seeming to go through the motions. It was like there was an invisible wall between us that had two graffiti words written upon it in dark, angry letters: Jasper and betrayal.

I couldn't deny my attraction to him, or the calm I felt in his presence and I knew that she knew it. I also couldn't deny the betrayal that was written in ink across my heart from her desertion. Oh, I forgave her, but I couldn't forget that she left me without a backwards glance.

I spent time with her, a few hours a day, letting her go through my clothes and listening to her complain about the sad state of my wardrobe. But her heart wasn't in it, and neither was mine. We were nothing like the friends that we had once used to be. There was no laughter between us, no moments of true sisterhood. All of that seemed lost to us now.

On the other hand, I had found a friendship blossoming with Rosalie. She didn't skirt around the issues, just stated plainly how she felt. We spent a lot of time in the garage. She was always under the hood of a car, her long legs encased in inky denim as they stuck out from under the gleaming metal of one of the luxurious cars. She would tell me about her life, not editing and I would tell her about mine, although there wasn't much to tell. She never brought up Edward or her previous dislike for me and for that, I was grateful. I found myself looking forward to the time I got to spend with her.

The only one I hadn't spent much time with was Jasper and I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I yearned for his touch, but knew it was wrong. I longed to hear him say my name, to see the form of my name on his lips, to hear his heavy whisper. He seemed to always be with Alice, although I hadn't actually seen them together, but logically I could understand that. I'm sure my desire was apparent when I would look at him. I tried to rein it in, but the feeling of being near him was something I was starving for.

I looked over at him through my lashes and took in his posture. His legs were stretched out in front of him, long and muscular, covered in expensive gray wool that my fingers longed to touch. His strong back was leaning back against a tree with his hands gripping the stone bench, bracing himself up. His face was relaxed as he looked over the garden, taking in the array of colors and scents.

He must have caught my perusal of him because he turned to look at me again, his golden eyes locked with mine, causing the breath to hitch in my throat.

"Are you going to tell me?" he asked softly, reminding me that he had asked me the same question minutes before and I had failed to answer.

"I was just thinking about the family," I answered plainly. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable while I was spending these few moments with him.

He nudged me with his shoulder and I felt it again, that heady current of electricity that raced through my blood. I licked my lips without thought and watched as his eyes followed the movement of my tongue.

"Bella," he said in a rough voice.

"I know, I'm sorry. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way," I said, my voice barely a whisper. "Maybe it would be best if I leave. I'm only going to hurt everyone if I stay and continue to have these thoughts. Alice can see something happening, and I'm feeling too selfish at the moment to care."

I wished that I could banish the feel of his skin, that I could erase these traitorous thoughts of mine.

"You can't leave," Jasper said suddenly, his voice strong with a slight edge to it.

"I think it would be for the best. I don't want to hurt anyone, and these feelings I'm having..." I started, "I don't even know why I'm having them."

I stood up and started to pace in front of him.

"Do you know how hard it is for me to turn this off? I haven't felt, and I mean really felt, in months, Jasper. But, I felt something with you. I know it's wrong. I know it will hurt Alice because she's already seen it. Once again, if I stay, I'll tear this family apart." Once I started, I couldn't stop. I turned to face him, suddenly furious with him. "I told you on the way here that this wasn't the place for me. And you know what? I was right!"

He stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders. I was sure his fingertips were going to leave bruises, but I couldn't bring myself to care. His touch ignited a fire within me and I stood basking in the feel of the flames lapping at my skin.

"You can't leave because I..."

His voice was cut off as Alice walked out through the glass doors, her face betraying nothing as she saw us.

She walked over, her steps soundless on the gravel. Her eyes passed between the two of us, trying to read the situation. I wanted to defend myself, but knew that I had nothing to say. I didn't feel remorse.

Jasper let go of my arms and turned to his wife. "What is it, Alice?"

I could have sworn I detected a trace of malice in his voice for the petite woman beside me, but passed it off as a figment of my imagination.

Alice looked at me and then to her husband, her golden eyes darkening to almost a black, flashing with some kind of emotion, but I couldn't be sure.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but Carlisle couldn't dissuade him," she said softly, her eyes not quite looking at me.

"Dissuade who?" I didn't even know why I bothered to ask.

Alice didn't reply. She turned on her heel with a cold look towards Jasper and headed back into the house, the door clicking behind her.

Jasper took a deep breath as his nose picked up a scent. His eyes narrowed in on the house and he swore quietly to himself.

"Dissuade who, Jasper?" I asked, already having known the answer as soon as Alice said "him". I felt the panic set in to my chest as my heart began to race and my breath began to catch in my throat. I wasn't ready.

I took off towards the house with Jasper following close behind me. The door wasn't an obstacle as I threw it open, delighting in the sound of it banging off the stone wall.

When I made it to the foyer, Rose stepped to my side.

"What is he doing here, Rose?" I asked her, the force of my words surprising me, as only a month before, my blood had had been screaming to see him again.

"I have no idea. We promised this would be our time with only you," she said, her voice sparkling with iciness, the hard mask of annoyance I used to see on her face was back in place. The rest of the family flitted into the room, their faces cast downwards, not saying a word.

"Well, is anyone going to tell me?" I yelled.

I turned to look at Esme and Carlisle only to see a mixture of remorse and relief reflected in their eternally beautiful faces. Emmett looked confused and I could imagine he was. The poor guy was always told last what was going on. Jasper and Rosalie looked angry, while Alice was showing an expression I hadn't seen very often across her beautiful features. She looked almost smug.

I felt Jasper and Rose tense beside me as the door started to open. I wanted to run. My legs were dying to run up the stairs and pack my suitcases and disappear, but my heart, the horrible thing it had become, was screaming at me to wait, to watch him walk through the door, to assure myself that at one point, he had been real.

He was more beautiful than I had imagined. His hair was still in the same crazy disarray of bronze. It had the same messy yet perfect look that I had always seen on him. His face was still painfully beautiful. His lips held the same plump curve, his jaw the same chiseled line, his brow was still set pulled down, almost like he was thinking too hard. But nothing could have hit me like the smell of him.

I gasped and clutched my hand to my chest as his scent hit my nose. I wanted to cry, the pain of it all rushing back to me in crushing waves. The breath was caught in my throat, making it difficult to swallow around the hard lump of sorrow that had formed.

I watched the scene before me unfold in excruciating slowness. I saw him look at the members of his family with confusion until his eyes locked on mine. I could almost hear him inhale my scent, and I even noticed that his body visibly relaxed, almost like a man who had been away from home for too long.

His voice was a heavy whisper as he took a step closer to me, his hand reaching out for mine, and in my stupidity, I placed mine in his. An angel's smile crossed his lips as he pulled me in close to him, his face buried in my hair.

"Bella."