Author Note: Huge thanks go out to my awesome reviewers, NotebookChen, xxSay, let's point out the obvious and Evil Chibi Kitten! You guys always make me grin with sheer delight at the comments.
This is a short chapter, followed by a longer-than-usual chapter. I could have split the next chapter, but it didn't seem to flow quite right if I did that. No flashback either. So I hope you enjoy it and hopefully, in spite of my insane computer woes (it's dead and I'm typing on a temperamental back-up) the next chapter will be up in only a few days.
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Let's do some living after we die...
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Ike finds himself even less hungry when Clyde's breakfast arrives, the waitress interrupting the silence between them with a plate of fried foods that only an hour or so earlier Ike would have welcomed; now, the smell makes him feel like he might throw last nights beer back up again. He knows he cannot stay and make small talk with Clyde Donovan, or ask for his best Kyle stories and Clyde apparently does not expect him to, because he reaches for his cutlery and pauses.
"I don't think there's anything else I can tell you," he says shortly. "If you don't mind, I'd like to eat my breakfast in peace."
Ike nods, rises. "Thanks for talking to me," he says, manners dictating that he gives Clyde this at least and he is glad that he has the story of what happened after the game now. But the thanks feel bitter on his lips. Had it not been for the small-minded actions of those people, things could have been different. More difficult for his brother certainly – but at least he might have been alive.
He takes his leave, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he walks down the street, his destination in mind. The sky has not lightened much and the air has a definite bite to it, Ike lived in South Park until he was twelve and he knows the signs of imminent snow. But the weather is not on his mind and in truth, nor is what he might say when he reaches his destination. His thoughts revolve entirely around what Clyde has told him and with those thoughts come unwanted but not unexpected feelings of anger.
What Clyde said to him haunts him, about how there were people who knew his brothers secret. Why they covered it up. It pains him to think of it, that they acted out of concern for themselves and not Kyle. That if Kyle had not died, they would have destroyed his life with casual ease, chasing him from school to home to the hospital where Stan languished, through cyberspace, over the phone. Ike knows already that something would have given. Probably Kyle's infamous temper would have come into play and probably over something done or said to either Stan or Kenny – the latter being more likely with Stan having the illusion of hospital protection.
But it makes Ike so furious.
Even more annoyingly, he believes Clyde's story. The alibi could well be a lie, but then why would he have told Ike anything at all about what happened then? It hardly puts the man in a good light and cast more suspicion onto him.
And more suspicion on Kenny, in a way. The trouble with Kenny's story has always been his piss-poor alibi, his lack of explanation for the bruises and the timing of the whole affair. But if Kenny took Stan's car that day, then he could easily have taken Kyle to the observation deck in the time frame given by the medical examiner. Although as the cop said, that Kenny had the beating prior to Kyle's death makes it unlikely he would have been able to do anything to the redhead. From what Clyde has said, it sounds as if he could barely move
Ike has never really known how to deal with being angry and frustrated. There is so little that can't be changed with a carefully thought out plan, in his experience at least, and coming up against something that will not be made right no matter what he does, the sheer human capacity for cruelty, leaves him alternately terribly sad and filled with an impotent, directionless rage. Partly on Kyle's behalf – although he does believe that the football team were not responsible for what happened to Kyle, his brother is still dead. But much of it is for the two men his brother apparently loved, that they were punished so harshly for daring to step out of the mould. The injustice of it all shakes him to his core.
Ike takes a breath to try to calm himself, wondering what Keiran would make of what Clyde has told him. He could do with someone calmer to give an opinion on all this, someone who is not as close to the situation to just listen, the way Keiran listened last night. He tries to think what the man would say when he heard all this. Probably he'd snort at Clyde's behaviour, disgusted but not surprised. Say something along the lines of it's a dirty world run by the conformists and the only way to get through is to conform as well, or refuse to let the bastards win. Kyle fought the bastards, you should be proud.
Ike manages an angry grin, knowing that he has superimposed his own bitter, juvenile reasoning onto his thoughts of Keiran and also knowing that it is what he wants to hear right now. Keiran manages to calm him down by saying the right thing though, so is it so far from the truth? And even the thought of Keiran has calmed him down, he is no longer focusing all his rage on Clyde, his rage is diverted by thinking of his – his lover, he supposes.
He is not the type to welcome the intrusion of casual flings in his life, nor is he the kind to think of a fling as anything more than what it is. But Ike finds Keiran a comfort to him and a part of him can't help wondering why Keiran has chosen to get involved with him, knowing why Ike is back, if he regrets it at all or if he will avoid Ike for the rest of his stay. If he does, Ike will understand, but he will be sorry. He likes Keiran, a whole lot.
And somewhere along the line, he has started thinking of Keiran instead of concentrating on what he has found out. He puts his attention back to where it should be, a little surprised his thoughts have wandered.
So we have a timeline says Kyle inside his head and Ike nods, not caring if the action brings him a couple of odd looks. He has the order of events, give or take a few major gaps. Friday night, Stan and Kenny slept over at Kyle's house, where they were seen by Bebe, who shared the news. Saturday morning, they went to the game, Kyle and Kenny watching as Stan was hurt. The three of them left in the ambulance, Stan stayed in the hospital. Kyle remained with him but Kenny went to get Stan's things and was beaten to a pulp. The football team went to a party in another town. Kyle left the hospital, went to see Kenny – and somewhere along the line, ended up dead.
And that is why Ike ends up at Kenny's apartment at the early hour, cursing to himself as he rings the bell. There is still no reply and he rests his hand against his forehead, wondering what his next move should be. He needs to talk to Kenny, but Kenny does not seem to want to make it easy.
As he stands considering, a woman lets herself out of the door, a purse over her shoulder. She looks at him and gives him a small smile, perhaps wondering what he is doing there and Ike takes advantage of the attention, giving her his most charming smile. "Um, excuse me. I was looking for Kenny McCormick?"
"Would you happen to be Ike?" she asks and her smile gets bigger at Ike's startled expression. "It's okay, Kenny said you might ring my bell looking for him. And he said that if you do, I was to tell you that he's coming to look for you later on. He'll catch up to you."
A frown crosses Ike's face. "He said he'd come to see me?"
"Yeah, but y'know. He had things to do first." The woman adjusts the strap of her bag, shifting from one foot to the other, clearly expecting him to take off.
Ike doesn't like this. He doesn't like the idea of Kenny avoiding him, picking when it is convenient to speak with Ike rather than just being a man about it and answering the questions he has. He certainly doesn't like the thought of waiting around all day and hoping that Kenny shows up, when there is no guarantee that he will.
"Do you know where he is now?" Ike asks the woman, a little desperation creeping into his voice.
The woman gives him a look that is part sympathy and Ike wonders if she has heard the gossip about his return. He does not recognise her and she seems too old to be in either his or his brothers circle of friends, but that does not mean she has no knowledge of him. "He didn't say," she says, looking a little hesitant and Ike suspects that it is the truth, but not the whole truth. This is confirmed when she speaks again, her words coming out in a rush. "But I know where he spends Saturday mornings, I don't think he'd change his routine now."
Ike tilts his head, wondering how she knows. He doesn't think Kenny would share the information with her, she does not come across as a close friend. But her demeanour makes him deduce she thinks a lot more of Kenny than she would tell a casual stranger. Perhaps, he thinks with a flash of humour, that she thinks of him as damaged and in need of love. Maybe she's even right.
She gnaws at her lip as if debating whether or not to say anything. "The cemetery. He goes to the cemetery. When he's alive, he goes there every Saturday without fail."
Ike nods, but he feels a chill go through him that has nothing to do with the weather. "Thanks," he says softly, leaving the area and going in that direction. The cemetery, damn. Perhaps he should have known it, Kenny spends plenty of time beneath its soil and didn't Henrietta say that he took care of Kyle's grave?
Kyle's grave.
Ike has not yet been to the cemetery, because he knows the answers he seeks will not be there. All that is there is a headstone with his brother's name and a pine box holding the shell that was once Kyle Broflovski, after ten years probably unrecognisable. Ike feels slightly ill at the thought. His brothers legacy should be the things he did while he was alive, the lives he touched, not the corpse under the ground.
A part of him thinks it would have been appropriate to visit the cemetery as soon as he got to town, say hello to unhearing stone and announce his intent. But it was Kyle's memory he was chasing, not his earthly remains and he wanted to go to the grave with more answers, have it as his final stop before he left South Park forever. His Judaism was all but abandoned after his brother died but he does believe there is something more than human experience knows. He also believes that if Kyle's spirit is anywhere, it is not lurking around a grave and watching for who visits. But because it is a tangible marker, it was the place where Ike would have decided to make whatever speech he felt the need – only now he is going there not with answers or closure, but more questions.
But it feels like the right time to chase up Kenny, the right thing to do. And he does not doubt he will return before he leaves... and it will be nice to be even a little closer to his brother before going about finding out what Kenny has to say about the situation.
The cemetery is a generous size, but it is the only one in town, explaining the need for the space. It is not segregated into the different religions, the town is not diverse enough to allow it. The older graves are to the left of the entrance, enough of their descendants in South Park that burials still occur there. The right side is for those who have been interred in the last thirty years or so and it is to this side that Ike goes. His grandmother was the first Broflovski to be buried here some eighteen years ago; he recalls clearly that Kyle was buried alongside her.
He recognises some of the family names here too, as he walks through the stones to find those ten years standing. People he has not thought of in years, parents or grandparents of his classmates. Perhaps even a few of the classmates themselves. The graves are laid in neat rows and he checks out names and dates, that feeling that time passes too rapidly and lives end too soon that always overtakes him in graveyards strong. One of the graves is bare of grass as if it has been dug up sometime in the not-too-distant past, oddly naked in comparison to the others. Ike looks at the stone and is unsurprised to see the name KENNETH JAMES McCORMICK embossed into it, no dates and no final words.
He shivers, feeling creeped out and wishing that Keiran had been able to accompany him. The man spent huge amounts of his childhood and no doubt adolescence here and his presence would have been a comfort.
But Ike too spent time here as a child; in the days before the Broflovski's left town he visited Kyle's grave daily, staring morbidly at the stone for far too long, until his fingers were numb, body shivering with cold, tears cutting warm tracks over his frozen cheeks. It might have been a long time, but he can find his way still.
There is someone already there.
Ike slows as he approaches Kyle's grave, taking note of the figure staring at his brother's final resting place. That it is a man is obvious, he stands a shade over six foot, wearing dark jeans and a jacket that has clearly been purchased with keeping out the Colorado chill in mind. But Ike can make out nothing more of him, because the man has his back to him. And although his head is bowed, Ike can clearly make out the hood that covers his head.
His steps are slowing, but Ike continues to move forward, his feet crunching over the snow covered grass. The man pays him no attention although he must hear, merely keeps his head down and his hands in his pockets until Ike draws level with him and finally stops.
The man turns his head to look at Ike and Ike can see that he has zipped his jacket up practically to his nose, only his eyes showing. Those depthless blue eyes that he used to see almost every day back then.
Kenny whispers the Kyle inside Ike's head, although Ike has never heard the voice quite so awestruck, perhaps a symptom of Ike's search for the man, or what he has learned about his brother's feelings for him.
"Hey Ike," Kenny says evenly, the coat muffles his voice but Ike can understand every word.. "I heard you were looking for me."
"Yeah." Ike wishes Kenny were not quite so bundled up. It means he cannot see how the years have been to the man and it is as if Kenny has remained changeless while Ike himself has grown up; it is an uncomfortable feeling, like being shoved into a rabbit hole of memories and being partially submerged by his own past, and Kyle's. "I thought you were avoiding me."
"Oh, I was," replies Kenny. "Now I'm not." He falls silent again, no explanation forthcoming. His behaviour throws Ike off totally.
"Did you know I'd come here looking for you?"
Kenny shrugs, eyes on Kyle's grave. "I was pretty sure you'd be here at some point. But I wasn't here waiting for you, if that's what you think. I spend a lot of time in the neighbourhood..." He gestures with his head, a single jerk in the direction of his own grave. "Thought I'd stop by here before I let you find me."
Ike considers suddenly what it must be like for Kenny to know that for a short time at least, his body rests close to Kyle's and shivers.
"I was wondering what Kyle would think about me talking to you," said Kenny, his voice slightly distant. "But it's not like he ever talks back."
His head turns sharply, as if tearing his eyes from that simple stone is an act of physical effort. But if it is, it is easier once that name and those dates are out of his view. Ike thinks that somewhere behind the hood, Kenny is smiling, but if he is, it is doubtless tinged bitter.
"So, Ike," he says, friendly, open. "Why are you back here? I would have thought once you were far away, you'd never want to come back."
"I'm here for Kyle," replies Ike. "It's – complicated. I wanted to know more about him I guess, chase up some old memories. Only I'm finding out stuff that I didn't know back then and the more I hear, the more I think... I was always told it was an accident and I never questioned that, but what people are telling me is just strange. I would have looked you up anyway, even before I knew what I know now, but knowing you saw him that night..."
"Do you think I killed him?"
"You were the last person to see him alive," returns Ike defiantly. Kenny merely looks back at him and Ike drops his gaze, sighs. "No. I don't think you did. I'd go so far as to say I know you didn't. I didn't think it was possible anyway and after what Clyde said, it just proves it."
Kenny nods casually. "Clyde Donovan, what a waste of fucking space. Never thought for himself one time. Just another baying extra in the pack."
"People can change," says Ike quietly.
"Perhaps." Kenny shoves his hands in his pockets. "You'll just have to forgive me for not seeing the good in anyone involved in that whole deal that day. Fuck, you didn't come here to hear this. You wanted to find out some stuff about Kyle? I thought you'd have a lot of memories of him, good ones. Big brother was always sticking his neck out for you."
Ike feels a lump in his throat and tries to swallow it. He remembers, of course he does. How protective of him Kyle was and all the things he'd do to make Ike's life easier. They had their moments as siblings always do, but for the most part the Broflovski brothers were incredibly close.
"I have good memories," he says. "It's just – I guess I just needed to know that I wasn't the only person who remembered him."
Kenny looks back at the grave, then at Ike again. The coat makes his expression unreadable, but his eyes seem sad. "Take a look at this," he says. "Clearly, you're not the only person who remembers him. I think of Kyle all the fucking time, him and..." He seems to catch himself before he can complete the sentence. "Look, I don't think I can help just by spouting off random memories. It'd be stupid anyway, I was one of his best friends. If I told you everything, we'd be here all day."
Ike nods. "I have some questions, but uh, this might not be the best place. And it's cold. And honestly? It feels morbid to be talking about it here. Kyle wasn't a morbid person and we both know it."
"He had his moments," replies Kenny fondly. "He was never emo-goth or anything, but Kyle could be as morbid as the next guy when he wanted. I take your point though. My place is closer than the motel. You want coffee?"