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Chapter 10

I couldn't quite describe how it felt to be in his arms again. Since he had left, I was absolutely positive that if I were to see him again I would feel whole, complete. But this feeling, I ached with the pressure in my chest. I wanted to scream, to rage. I wanted to tear him apart. I wanted to shred his heart to pieces, ensuring that, like mine, it couldn't be fixed, couldn't be put back together.

But yet, standing here, tucked into his embrace with my face pressed against his chest I felt that old familiar comfort I had always associated with him.

"Bella, my Bella," he was whispering over and over in my ear, like a mantra.

His arms tightened further around me as his hand wound into my hair, brushing through the thick mass of chocolate. I couldn't hold back the tears as confusion raged through my mind and turmoil skewered my heart. They slid down my cheeks, staining his white sweater and burning my skin as they fell. I clutched onto him tighter, unaware that I was doing it.

A growl on both sides of me shook me out of my temporary insanity. My body finally realized what was going on and I pushed back against Edward's marble chest, not at all bothered by the look of shock that was registering on his face.

"You asshole!" I yelled, pushing myself even further out of his grasp.

I turned to look at the family, my heart filled with betrayal. I turned from the room and sped up the stairs without falling on my butt and making myself look as foolish as I felt. When I reached the hallway my room was located in, I sprinted for the door, knowing he was fast on my tail.

I opened the door wide, only to slam it shut and slide the lock home. I knew it was pointless being as how a locked door brokered no resistance to a vampire's strength, but the thought comforted me none the less.

"Bella, please. Just let me talk to you," Edwards tortured voice sounded through the wood door, along with his persistent knocking.

I pulled out my suitcase and started throwing my clothes into it, not bothering to fold anything. I grabbed my handbag and stuffed in the essentials. I picked up my phone and searched for the airline's number. I had to get out of here. Anywhere would do, as long as it was far away from here. Far from the heartache and pain of my past.

I knew on my way here that there was the potential to see Edward again. I knew that being with the family would stir up old hurts, open old wounds, but I tortured myself. I allowed my heart to override my brain, just so I could be with them once more. It seemed that ignoring my instincts was all I ever did with these people. I let my actions be ruled by my heart, all the while ignoring my mind. I had brought this pain on myself and my family, for nothing.

The only thing seeing Edward again did was remind me that I wasn't good enough: for any of them.

"Bella, please," he pleaded.

I could tell he was going to lose patience soon, so I dialed the airline and quickly booked the next flight to Paris. I wanted a big city, somewhere I could get lost in a sea of people and forget. I wanted to reinvent myself while I was there. I didn't want to be Bella Swan anymore. I didn't want to be the clumsy girl who fell in love with a man out of her league. I didn't want to be this person who was never enough.

"Give me a chance, please."

I turned around sharply, only to see that he had come in through the French doors.

"You know, there is something called privacy, and it's generally considered rude to intrude when someone wants it." My words dripped with sarcasm I generally never felt. "I'm going to leave and you can have your place here. I only came on the condition that you wouldn't be here." The sting in my words shot out like a lash.

If a photographer would have taken a shot of Edward's face at that moment, he would have won one really swanky prize. In my life, I had never seen a man look so hurt and so pained. Sadness poured through his golden eyes as my words registered in his mind. Instantly, I felt remorse. It was never his fault that he didn't want me and it wasn't his fault that I had loved him so much. Those were just the facts.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't mean to be cruel," I said softly, hating to see that expression on his face and knowing I caused it. I hated how I never seemed to have control around him, how I was constantly ignoring what I really wanted to say.

"No, I deserve it. I know you want to leave, but please... just give me a few minutes and I'll go myself." His words were so sincere that I felt myself softening as he took the handle of the suitcase from my hand and sat it on the floor.

I sank down onto the nearest chair and buried my face in my hands as a deep exhaustion made its way into my bones. This had all been too much. With these feeling I had been having towards Jasper, the silent argument that had been going on with Alice, and seeing Edward without any notice had worn me thin. I felt like a set of linens that had been through the wash too many times and were now threadbare.

Within minutes, I felt a sense of calmness spread through my body and I couldn't help but wonder if it was because of Jasper or the fact that I was giving up on trying. I figured the latter, but it didn't matter.

"What are you doing here, Edward?" I asked as he knelt down in front of me and removed my hands from my face.

"Please don't hide from me. I've gone for so long without seeing your face," he said as he brushed the hair out of my eyes, his cool hands soothing my heated skin. "I came because Alice called me here with news that Jasper had the video of your graduation."

I cocked my head to the side, shocked at this slip of information, but immediately forgot it as I realized what he said.

"Why would you want to see it?" I asked, truly confused.

"I would think that's apparent, Bella, seeing as how I near had a heart attack when I saw you standing there, and trust me it's impossible for me to have a heart attack." His words were so genuine that I felt that old tugging at my heart; it wasn't love, but tenderness.

"You left me, Edward. You didn't want me."

"I know what I said, and believe me, those words have haunted me since the moment I left you. I have been nothing without you. I haven't been able to function. I couldn't be around my family because every time I looked at them I heard your name flash through their thoughts. I haven't been able to listen to music. When I left you, I left my heart."

"I'm sorry, I just don't understand." I could feel the anger begin to rise in my chest again. "You didn't want me and now you're saying, what, exactly?"

"I thought it would be better for you if we weren't in your life. I wanted you to be happy and to be healthy. I wanted you to live your life, Bella." His hands had moved down to mine. His fingers traced over the veins that were visible through my pale skin before clasping my hand in his.

"My life was devastated when you left me, Edward," I stated softly. "I lost everything. I lost you, your family, my hopes and my dreams. You took all of it."

"I know and I'll carry the guilt of that for the rest of my life. When Jasper lunged at you, I...." Edward's voice became hoarse as he turned to look away from me. "I just wanted you safe and I couldn't live with the thought of harm coming to you, because of me."

"Why couldn't you change me? I was begging you, Edward! I would have given up Charlie and Renee just to be with your family and you so that you didn't have to worry." It seared my heart to think of the pain I would have caused my parents, but I would have done it, for him.

"I didn't want to take your soul. I couldn't have it on my conscience that you essentially lost your life because of me."

"I wasn't losing, Edward. I loved you so much I would have never looked back on my human life with regret," I said, my voice taking on an aggressive edge. "You promised me you wouldn't leave, and instead of honoring that you took everything. I haven't lived a day since you've been gone."

"I would take back everything I said, I would turn you right now if you'd say you would be with me again. And, I would spend the rest of eternity making it up to you." The force of his declaration took me by surprise. "Just give me a chance, Bella. I can't be without you."

"What are you saying?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to hear the answer.

"I'm saying I love you. Always have, always will. Nothing can change that. I would do anything to have you with me again."

I didn't know what was happening, but I knew I had reached the point where I had to make a decision. I could forgive him and start the life I had once wanted, or I could give it up and move on.

"Edward, I don't know," I said softly, "I don't know if I can trust..."

My mind was in a state of total chaos. The truth was that I couldn't trust myself to not fall so completely in love with him again. I couldn't trust that I would be able to hold myself together again the next time he left.

"I know, Bella," he said, his voice low and velvety. "I know you need time. What I've done to you is unforgivable, but I promise you I will redeem myself to you. I'll do whatever it takes to show you how much I regret what I did to you."

Edward leaned over and touched his lips to my cheek, kissing away the stains that had been left on my cheek from my tears.

My heart jumped at the small gesture of affection, but my mind was softly telling me to not fall for it, to not slip up.

I grabbed my suitcase and bag as I headed over to the door. "I'll see you soon. Carlisle has my number, but I really just need to think, and I can't do that here at this moment."

He approached me slowly as he raised his hand, only to drop it again. His eyes were hopeful as they searched my face. "I understand, but know that I'll be here waiting for you, loving you and missing you every day, just like I've been doing for the past six months."

I smiled weakly and walked out the door, the way his head hung low threatening to break my resolve.

The family was waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I was instantly embarrassed, knowing that with their super sensitive hearing, they heard every word spoken between us.

Esme stepped forward first as her cold arms surrounded me. "Come back when you're ready. This is your home, too."

Emmett popped me on the shoulder before pulling me into a tight hug, causing me to drop my suitcase. I laughed as it landed with a dull thud on the thick carpet. "You know, I really do promise to let you win the next one. The sooner you come back, the sooner you'll get to gloat to everyone that you finally beat me."

"As if that would really happen, Emmett. You're too competitive to allow someone else to win." I saw the crestfallen look on his face and realized my words could have different meanings to him. "Besides, it's not about who wins the game, Em. It's about spending time with you, doing something that you love. That's what matters to me."

Carlisle was quiet as I stepped in front of him. "Be safe, Bella. Call me if you need anything, especially a recommendation for a doctor." I nodded at him and gave him a quick hug.

Rosalie stepped forward and fixed her eyes into an angry glare. I was momentarily stunned by the coolness of her gaze. I had thought things were different between us. It wasn't until I looked around that I noticed she wasn't looking at me, but at Edward who had joined the rest of the family at the bottom of the steps.

"This is your fault again, Edward," she hissed, her body tense as she raged. "Do you ever think about how your actions affect the rest of this family?"

"Rosalie," Carlisle cautioned her in his neutral tone. He didn't chastise the others very often, and he didn't need to. He was the head of their family and they all usually listened without question.

"No, Carlisle," she dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "This was supposed to be our time with her."

Her eyes narrowed as they fixed on Alice. "And you! Always trying to change the future, trying to fix something that's destined to happen. You're so selfish! Do you ever think about how wrong it is to use your gift this way?"

Alice didn't look surprised by Rose's tirade. She looked nonchalant and I couldn't help but wonder as to what they were talking about.

"I did what I had to do, Rose. Have you ever been in danger of losing something? Have you ever had to…" she started, but Carlisle cut her off.

"That's enough. We won't discuss this now," he said in a warning tone. His reaction had me questioning them again.

"We never discuss. That's the problem with this fucking family," Rose yelled, her furious eyes alternating between Alice and Edward. "The two of you do your little mind tricks and leave everyone else in the cold. We jump to your tune and I've had it."

I stepped towards Rosalie and embraced her quickly, unsure of how she would feel towards the gesture. Her arms tightened around me as I relaxed. I didn't want them to argue anymore about me. I was too worn, too exhausted to deal with it any more.

When she let go, I turned to Alice and knew there were no goodbyes between us any longer. I coveted something she had and she didn't take that kindly. I gave her a tight lipped smile and looked around for Jasper. Not seeing him was like a stab to the heart. Above anything, I just wanted to see his face again before I left, but it wasn't going to happen.

I sucked in a deep breath and put my hand on the door knob. I gave a small smile to the family before I walked out the door to the car Carlisle had bought for me.

I stashed my bag in the back and took one last look at the house, uncertain at this point if I would come back. I couldn't deny that I wanted to be with Edward, but I wasn't sure which way I wanted him. I longed to be with the family, but I couldn't promise myself, or them, that I wouldn't ruin it.

I stepped into the sleek, black Lexus RX10 and turned the key, letting the engine purr to life. I pushed the engine into drive and made my way down the long driveway and turned onto the main road that would take me to the airport, my eyes lingering on the brightly lit house that was reflecting in the rearview mirror.

I knew the drive because I had made it twice. The first had been my drive here with the entire family, and once with Rosalie.

I smiled, thinking of my little road trip with Rosalie. She had been blatantly honest, almost to the point of rudeness, but that's how she was. I had found the more time I spent with her, the more confident I became about myself. I looked down at my phone and saw that there was a text waiting from her. I waited until I pulled into the airport parking before opening it.

Slipped something in your bag. No thanks needed. -Rose

I unzipped the bag and noticed there was a plain white envelope sitting just inside of it. I tore off the top of the envelope and pulled out a piece of cream colored stationary. I felt something hit my leg and frowned as I picked it up. A black Amex card. I sat it on the dash as I read the letter.

Bella,

I thought you might enjoy your trip to Paris without the worry of expense, seeing as it is Alice's fault you're leaving. I can't explain now, but will one day.

Sorry this is so sloppy, but again, my annoying family has managed to interrupt your life and it's up to me to ensure that you know that someone cares about how our actions affect you.

Carlisle ordered the card for you a few weeks ago and luckily it came in yesterday afternoon. All I ask is that you pick out something that will knock Edward on his ass and make him regret everything he did.

Come home to us when you are ready, and remember that I'm your friend and sister, regardless of our past. I programmed mine and Emmett's numbers into your phone last week, so if you need a friend, just give me a call and I can be sitting with you in some posh suite in less than two hours.

Rose

I slipped the letter back into the envelope, using infinite care, and put it in my bag, unable to deny that I was touched by her words. I picked up the credit card and slid it into my wallet. I didn't intend to use it, but the gesture was nice anyway.

I locked the car and slid the extra key I had into a small hidden lock under the tire wheel. I knew if I didn't come back someone would come to retrieve the car.

I checked my bags, not having to stand in a too awful long line, but almost wishing that I had had to wait longer. My flight wasn't set to board for another hour and I wasn't looking forward to sitting in one place. I was too on edge, too worn out, too confused.

I picked up a bag of M&M's and a bottle of water and made my way to the seating area. There weren't many people waiting. A woman and her little girl, the child dancing around in circles with her pink coat fanning out around her while the mother laughed at the girl's antics. There was a man in a dark suit in the corner, staring out the tall glass windows with one phone at his ear and his eyes on a Blackberry in his other hand. The only other people were an elderly couple that were whispering softly to each other. I watched as the woman rested her hand on the gentleman's thigh and smiled softly at him. I had to turn my gaze away from such a tender moment.

I knew I could have a full eternity with Edward, but when it came down to it, I didn't know if it would last. He had always shown such resistance to any future that ended with him turning me, and who was to say that we would make it even that long before he changed his mind and left. Nothing would be able to compare to the pain I would feel then. He had always had this power over me, this power that made me forget everything but him and I didn't think I would be able to resist a second time. But there was the other part of me that wanted the chance, wanted to have the security, wanted to have some sense of a real life. I could have that with him; it was all I had ever wanted.

For so long I had hoped to see him, but now that the moment was here, I realized it happened too fast. That it was too much to take in at one time. There was only so much a person could handle, and I was certain I was at my limit.

I looked over the room and noticed a few more people had trickled in and were sitting in these uncomfortable black seats. You wouldn't think leather could be uncomfortable, but it was. It was hard and cold. I had to laugh at that moment because I was seconds away from comparing leather seats and vampires. I put my head in my hands and let my misery wash over me again.

"Do you envy them?" his soft voice sounded in my ear.

I wasn't shocked to see him here. For some reason, and I don't know how I knew, but deep down, I knew he would be here to say goodbye.

"Of course I do. They're happy." My words were simple, but they were true.

I tried to delay it, but my eyes couldn't resist looking up at him. His expression was one of such tenderness and it stunned me.

"Are you going to come back?" His question caught me off guard, but I knew he would be the only one to ask and want an honest answer.

"I don't know, Jasper. I want to, but I couldn't handle it a second time if he left," I admitted. "A heart can handle only so much."

"That's not all that's making you run."

I had always wondered if Jasper was able to read my mind. He always seemed to know what I was thinking. I took a deep breath, defeat an emotion I was only too aware of.

"I don't know if I could give him everything he would want. I can't trust myself to be enough for him and that will hold me back."

"He was sincere in everything he told you, Bella." His tawny eyes looked pained and his voice seemed strained to get the words out.

"I don't know. He was able to leave so easily before, even knowing what it would do to me." That seemed to be the part I couldn't wrap my head around.

"He wanted more for you, Bella, we all did." I heard the call for passengers to start boarding and sighed.

"I have to go."

I didn't know why, but the thought of leaving didn't feel so right now that I had arrived at this moment, and as much as I wanted to deny it, the only reason I didn't want to go now was because of the man beside me. It was what I had been afraid of for the past hour, that my leaving had nothing to do with Edward coming back, but having to face the choice of yearning for something I couldn't have or settling for what I could.

"I know."

I could hear the acceptance in his voice, but didn't want to read more into it. Things were ruined enough as it was.

I stood up as he grabbed my purse and carry on. We walked silently to the stewardess stand, but stepped to the side to let the other passengers go around us. I reached over to grab my bag, but he had already dropped it to the floor.

The next moment would be forever burned into my mind because there was none other to compare it to. I stood in the strong circle of his arms, clutching onto his biceps for support because I was sure my legs were going to give out.

In his arms, I felt all the sadness I had ever felt.. It rushed through my body in long agonizing waves. It was a familiar feeling to me, except I knew it was coming from him and it killed me. Standing here like this, I knew for certain this was the real reason I couldn't go back to being with Edward like before.

I pulled away from him as the realization washed over me. Somehow in the past month, I had fallen for Jasper even with all my past heartache. His cool hands came up to rest upon my cheeks as my heart broke, shattering into a million pieces. I tried to smile at him, while holding back my tears.

"I won't destroy your family," I said quietly. "They've been through so much already and I can't do that to them."

His thumbs were stroking along my cheekbones and I could feel my resolve shaking.

"Don't go, don't leave here only to come back to him," he said so softly I almost didn't hear him.

"We both know I will. Could you really do this to Alice, to Esme?" I saw the change in his eyes as soon as I brought up the matriarch of the Cullen family. "You're only feeling this way because I feel it so strongly."

"That's not true and you know it, Bella," the emotion in his eyes and voice calling my bluff.

I took one long last look at him, trying to burn into my memories the exact shade of his hair, the way his eyes looked at me, the feel of his skin touching mine. I knew when I came back, this would all be gone.

"Tell everyone I'll see them soon."

I lifted up on the tips of my toes and touched my lips to his cheek. His hand caught in my hair as his other arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me closer, his lips pressing into my temple, making the tears that had been threatening to spill roll down my cheeks, before his lips ghosted softly across mine. I pulled away quickly and practically ran down the ramp to board.

I took my seat on the plane and looked out the window, wiping away tears. In my mind, I could so easily see an eternity at his side. It would be so effortless to be with him, easier than breathing, but he wasn't mine and I wasn't his. If wishes were horses, beggars would ride, and that's all it was. A wish and a dream and we both knew it. His softly unspoken goodbye would follow me for the rest of my life.

I had made my choice.