Hi! I'm really sorry that this is so late - you can kill me now if you wish. ;)

BOMB!

Voldemort had never been a very fast runner. At Hogwarts he had always come last in races, so he had always pretended to have some sort of injury when the others wanted to race. He wasn't any better now. As he bobbed along the ground, he was aware that people were turning to stare at him. To be honest he couldn't blame them; to them he was a mass of black material, rucksacks, plastic bags and snakes, whirling towards the queue to check hand luggage.

Voldemort was sorely disappointed with his arrival. Crashing head-first into a desk where a startled looking woman sat was far from dignified.

'Er, hello,' he said, trying in vain to regain his composure. The woman blinked at him, a shocked look plastered all over her face. Frantically, Voldemort searched his mind for something muggles said when they got into a sticky situation. Finally, he came up with something he had heard when shopping in London.

'Where have you been all my life?' he asked earnestly, and the woman's eyebrows shot up into her hairline.

'Er...Did it hurt when you fell from...erm...a tree?' the woman looked at him coldly, 'No! No, not a tree – I meant Heaven! Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?' Voldemort got the feeling that this wasn't going well. Finally, he decided to use his last muggle phrase.

'Are you tired? You've been running through my mind all night,' said Voldemort hopefully, while privately thinking she should have used a broomstick.

The woman was now shooting him daggers, and after a moment of silence, she said frostily, 'Did you want your luggage checked or not?'

'Oh! Oh, yes please!' cried Voldemort, unceremoniously stuffing Nagini into his rucksack, and passing it to the woman. He smuggled all his plastic bags under his robes, hoping she wouldn't notice. For the moment, he seemed safe.

His rucksack passed through something that looked like a black box, and the woman gave an audible gasp. With fumbling fingers, she unzipped his bag, and removed first Nagini, and then a large black sphere, with the word 'Bomb' printed across it. For a moment the woman stared at the snake, then the bomb, then back up and Voldemort.

'You...this...bomb,' said the woman, quite astonished.

'Yes that is my bomb, thank you very much,' said Voldemort, prising it out of her grasp and clutching it to him as if it were a newborn baby, 'and I'll thank you not to touch my personal belongings. I've got big plans for this 'ickle bomb here. We're going to blow up the aeroplane together...Oops!' Voldemort's eye widened as he realised he had just given his master plan away. This needed quick thinking.

'Here, Nagini, catch!' yelled Voldemort, tossing the bomb towards his snake, who ducked out of the way, making no attempt to catch it. The bomb thudded to the floor, but surprisingly it didn't explode. The woman made a lunge for Voldemort, but he dived out of the way, drawing his wand as he did so.

'Accio Nagini!' he cried from where he stood a few feet away. The giant snake came zoming towards him, and hit him hard in the face, causing him to topple over on to the ground.

As Voldemort struggled to get up while he was smothered in snake, the woman was calling the airport security guards. By the time Voldemort had got to his feet, he was surrounded. In one last, desperate bid for freedom he raised his wand and yelled, ' Bombarda!' unfortunately, he was holding his wand the wrong way round, and it shot green and silver sparks from his wand. Some of them landed near the bomb, and the fuse was lit. Everyone waited, frozen, seemingly unable to move as the fuse hissed and crackled. Voldemort tensed as the fuse reached the bomb, waiting for the explosion that was sure to come...The hissing spluttered to a stop, and there was a quiet pop. Everyone stared at the bomb. Then Voldemort let out a wail.

'But he promised it was a good quality bomb!'

***

Voldemort paced his cell, fuming to himself. He couldn't believe he had failed so spectacularly. It was a disgrace. And he had forgotten what Snape had said he should do if he ever got put in jail again. Sighing, Voldemort took out his phone, and dialled Snape's number.

'Hey there, Snape! How's it going?...Oh dear...I hope it isn't infectious...Oh, you've put him in quarantine, that's OK then...Yeah, look, Snape old pal, do you think you could, ah...'

Snape gave a sigh. Why on earth had he ended up as fake right-hand man to the most pathetic, blundering Dark Lord in the entire history of pathetic, blundering Dark Lords? Potter was going to find killing him sooo easy.

***

'So, remind me again,' said Snape, munching on his salt and vinegar crisps, 'why didn't you apparate out this time?'

'Of course! That's it! I...Well...I forgot again...'

Voldemort was now mentally brawling with himself. He could be so stupid.

Did you like it? I hope so. Anyway, next up, Volders goes to...Big Ben. Watch out for the next chapter to find out what happens there! Crikey, I sound like an advertisement.

Tabs :D