Fallow the law, and you will be beautiful

-Eating disorder quote

Alice had never been so mad at herself. She was blinded by her own rage, her own longing to just get this over and done with. Her own life was starting to annoy her, and today had only proved that she couldn't do any thing right.

A sixteen line poem had been written about her eating disorder. Jasper had been able to guess so soon, like it was stamped right in front of her, a glowing sign that warned all that saw her. She was blowing her cover, and there was no excuse for that!

The drive home was hardly bearable. Alice had to turn on her wind shield wipers when it started to rain, and the rain drops seemed to give birth to tears of her own, deep from inside her. She had really liked Jasper, and he was now on to her! He would always think she had a problem, and he was never going to let that go. If she ever decided to see him again, she would not be allowed to purge around him, she would have to make a point of eating, and she was going to have to put on a little weight... for a while, at least. There was no law that said she could lose it all back...

Alice did not even know what she wanted to do. Truth be told, she did not trust herself to think for herself at all right now, look where it had gotten her! A hoard of angry tears came into her eyes once more, and she wiped at them while she drove, trying to see past them. Alice hated crying, it was a sign of weakness, a sign that she had no self control. She was too ashamed of her pathetic tears to pull over and cry, she was going to keep driving, not caring if she crashed or not right now. Alice wanted to be home, whether home be in her house or up in Heaven or Hell, wherever she was going when she died.

Pulling into the driveway of her house was more like pulling into the driveway of a tome. The driveway was blissfully empty, free of the marks of some one being in the house, any of her family being home. They would not see or hear what she was about to do.

Alice went into the kitchen and knew she was digging her own grave. She was going into binge mode, the worst time for any person who gave a damn what they looked like. Binging was where you eat far past the point of being comfortable, and totally lose control of every thing. Eating too fast to taste any thing, and eating any thing in sight. Also, for people like Alice, it was fallowed by a round of purging.

She had every thing worked out in her mind, categorised many years ago: what was hard and easy to purge, what tasted horrible coming back up and what could be dealt with. Any thing that left a strong vomit smell could not be eaten, and what took the least amount of time to get out. It was all made in an attempt to lessen the effects of the hated yet unavoidable binges, making them easy on the scale, and easy on her throat.

FLASHBACK

It was December of Alice's sixth grade year, and she was sitting in her third period concert choir class. She was the shortest soprano there, and when all six periods got together for the concert, only one person would be smaller than her. Smaller, but not skinnier. Alice grinned in satisfaction when she thought of that. An evil grin, a monster like grin.

The class was on their feet singing 'Carol of the Bells' which was Alice's favorite song in the upcoming concert set. They were mostly singing Christmas carols, because of the month, but there were a few other songs thrown in, due to the fact that there was a wide span of people whom did not celebrate Christmas in the school.

'Ding Dong Ding Dong, that is their song.'

Alice sang in tune with every one else, trying to keep up with the fast pace of the never ending words, trying not to take a breath and lose her place.

"I want more power!" The choir instructor shouted above the already loud singing of three different voice groups, pounding harder and harder on his piano keys. The advanced choir class prided themselves on using only their own music, not tapes, for their songs. Alice and everyone else upped their voices slightly, and Alice tried to sing louder above the rest of the sopranos. She wanted a solo for the concert so badly, she wanted to stand out and show every one she wasn't a complete mess up.

As the song came gracefully to a close, Alice slowed her singing to just the right speed, and finished with a beautiful: Ding, Ding, Ding, and let the altos and seconds take over the rest of the ending, the last note being drawn out for at least fifteen seconds.

The finished only a few minutes before the bell rang, and as they were all exiting the room, Mr. Alexander, the instructor, asked to speak with her. Alice's heart lurched as she stood in front of his desk, hoping she knew what this was about.

"Alice, you have a very pretty voice as a group, and I would like to offer you a chance to sing alone," He told her.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! She yelled in her head, wanted to punch the air and jump up and down. She had been waiting for this moment ever since school started, and now she had it. She contented herself with a small smile.

"But I need to hear you as a single singer before I allow it, could you come in tomorrow morning?" He asked.

"Yeah, sure." Alice told him, sure that the excitement and happiness that waved her voice showed and rang, but she didn't care. He should know how happy he just made her.

Alice walked on a cloud all the rest of the day and night, proud of herself for the first time she could remember. She ran around the halls when she got home, trying to burn off some her happy energy. She could have hugged and kissed every stranger she saw on the street, Alice was so content with the world.

Then she got a little too smug. A little too happy, a little too comfortable in her own skin.

Those kinds of silly emotions were what landed her in the bathroom at four in the morning with her head arched over the toilet, a toothbrush in her hand, held like a sword. A magic wand that could make all her problems go away.

She puked her guts out that night, worse than any purge she had ever done before. She should have known being so happy could only land her here, in this land where was the place she felt truly safe and wonderful. She would never be happy in any other life, she had to make herself remember that. Or else she risked it going away forever, her two best friends being cleaned out of her for good.

Before she left for school, she could hardly talk. Alice left like she had swallowed a handful of chips without chewing them, or shoved dull hunks of glass down it. There was no way she could sing today, even if she had waned to.

The solo had been given to a tall, skinny blond girl, the solo that was meant to go to Alice. It was one of many things Alice had to give up for her own good.

END FLASH BACK

An hour later Alice had eaten more than she normally would in a whole month. She sobbed and hit herself, making a point to focus on her rib that still panged and groaned. She wanted herself to remember what happened when she got this way, what she deserved when she got this way.

She needed to talk to some one, any one. The only one who would understand was Rosalie, and Alice typed off a message to her as fast as she could. She just needed some one to tell her that she wasn't hopeless, that she wouldn't be doomed to be fat forever. That was all she needed.

That and...

She found the toothbrush easily, hidden under the kitchen sink. She carried it lovingly to the bathroom, and locked the door. She was about to make herself better, about to make herself happy again. Alice slid the familiar discolored end down her throat, and watched the food she had just eaten come back up again.

Just as she was finishing, she got a message on her phone, a buzz that made her head jerk up and her blood turn cold. When she saw it was only her cell, she laughed at herself, silly it was to think it was to think it was some one catching her in the act.

She opened it, thinking it was from Rosalie, and got ready to explain to her what was going on. About her horrid binge and her wonderful purge. It wasn't from Rosalie.

I'm not leaving you. You're not alone, let me help you.

Jasper.

Alice smirked, then opened the door and tossed her phone out. Jasper would never be hearing from her again.

Yep, that's what Alice did, for all those who asked, she binged.

Now we're getting into the really good stuff, if it makes you feel any less bitter toward me.

You guys have no idea how much I love you for the reviews, favorites, and adds. This started out for me and only me, but now I see that it has touched so many people, maybe even helped one girl seek help. I hope that I don't let you guys down.