It doesn't matter how slow you go as long as you never give up.

-Bulimia quote

Alice held her breath as she stepped on the scale not yet two full days later. She knew she had gained weight, she could feel the fat plowing deeply into her stomach, her legs, her hips.

A binge and purge cycle is one of the things Ana hates most of all. It scares her, makes her want to run and hide. Which is how the cycle can take you over and eat your mind while you gorge on food. Ana is too scared to help you. Constant eating fallowed by horrendous purging for weeks or even months on end, it took a lot to break the chain reaction Alice knew she was digging into her mind.

She knew first hand how difficult it could be: There was no Ana without Mia, even if it was only a little punch here or there. Alice had it bad at one time, eating up to seven thousand calories each day and setting a new 'purging record' for herself. Sixty-one times in a twenty-six hour period. It almost made up for all the crap she had eaten, but not all the way. Never one hundred percent.

The bright red numbers on the digital scale flashed her fate before her eyes, almost making her wish she had never weighed herself in the first place: In only two days, she had gained back seven pounds and three ounces. No. No, no, no, no, no! Oh God, oh Jesus. No.

Alice knew her metabolism was shot, and that she would quickly gain weight back if she ever started to eat normally again, but this was... outrageous!

The numbers taunted her, mocking her and her own weakness. Unable to move from shock and shame, Alice just stood on the scale, willing the numbers to go down to the number they had been at before, before she had met... him.

This was all his damn fault! If he hadn't gone and stressed her out, she would never have eaten anything, and she would be two pounds lighter rather than almost seven and a half pounds heavier right now! Jesus, he wouldn't take a hint, either! He just kept text messaging her and trying to call her, going on like she was actually talking to him! Saying all the stupid things like that she was only confirming that she had a problem, that he wasn't sure until she jumped off the face of the Earth this way and refused to talk to him. God, he was such an idiot! He should just mind his own damn business and butt out of her life like she wanted him to!

You don't mean that. You know you're wrong. The teeniest of voices in the back of Alice's mind whispered.

Shut up! Yes, I do freaking mean it, get over it! he's just some nosy immature boy you met one day and are going to forget! The louder, more powerful voice hollered, almost drowning out the other.

Fighting with herself. Nothing new, things like this had happened often since she first met Ana, but this was... oddly different. Sort of like Ana wanted to lose this time, like she was nearly tired of fighting. Almost, but not yet. Oh no, not for awhile yet. Ana had big plans for her yet, and it would be most unfortunate if Ana was disappointed, after all.

One second she was on the scale, the dreadful numbers now faded away like grace. The next second, she was knelt in front of the toilet, not even bothering to grab her special toothbrush just for purging. Slender, long, and fairly soft. Ideal for the job it was destined for. Rather, she just shoved three fingers down her throat in her hast, just wanted it out of her before it was too late.

She finished her task quickly, not wanting to take any longer than she had to.

Alice knew she couldn't go on gaining weight like this: it was killing her. At the same time, she knew that the worst was over, and from here she would be able to binge and purge without gaining so much back. It was like her mind was split in two, and she wanted it both ways.

She was in a mindless type state now, getting ready to leave for school and thinking about... nothing. Her mind was empty, empty, empty. As empty as she wished her stomach was.

Rosalie sat at the highly polished kitchen table, tapping lazily away at her cell phone with her head in her hand. She knew she should be pumped up - happy for the night she was about to be able to share with Emmett at the dance - but that this moment, she was too tired to feel anything. Rosalie hoped it would not ruin the evening, that she would still be able to have a good time and not wreck this for Emmett, yet another one of her short comings.

She had tried to eat something and keep it down, but it came back up again without trying or even wanting to. Her body was wrung out and felt tired and just ready to give up.

And at the same time, she knew she was never going to throw in the towel. Rosalie had never let herself give up before, she wasn't going to start now. And yet... she wasn't sure what not giving up even meant. The thought of recovery scared her, and the thought of possibly dying scared her even more.

Fear was a failure. Fear was a weakness, and weakness was unacceptable. She should take whatever was coming at her head on without a single second thought, and yet, she was always questioning her next move, wondering what she would do with herself and caught up with the future. Rosalie needed to focus on the here and now.

Now: Rosalie was dressed and primped to go to the dance, waiting for Emmett to pick her up. Now, half her mind told her that he was not going to come and that she should prepare herself accordingly. Now, she was a mess.

Now, she wanted a normal life. She wanted to eat like a normal person, she wanted to come home to her parents and not have to worry about if she was going to gain a pound or not. She wanted to be bored in school and hang out with her friends afterwords. She wanted to be caught and grounded for skipping school, and she wanted to be able to go into a store and buy a god forsaken dress.

Now, Rosalie wanted to go back a few months ago when she was happy with her life. Back when she didn't question the order that her chips had fallen, and enjoyed the rushing thrill of going days and days and days without eating a single thing. An empty stomach to her was a heart full of determination.

Now, Rosalie needed Emmett. She wanted him even though she hardly even knew him, and that he knew her secret. She had promised herself long ago that anyone who knew would be silenced, and that she would be allowed to keep up her 'dangerous' lifestyle until the day came when she would no longer be able to. If that day ever came.

The shrill doorbell broke Rosalie out of her train of thought, and the trail was forgotten as soon as she snapped out of it. Emmett was here, and Rosalie might be able to finally escape - if only for a few hours.

Emmett had two roses in his right hand - one red and one white. Rose had to smile at the inside joke, and was surprised at how different Emmett looked dressed for the dance. He was wearing a black tux with a white shirt under it - though no tie. Rosalie didn't mind, it didn't matter what he was dressed in right now. She did , however, like the fact that he had smoothed down his hair do it flocked around his ears rather than stuck on the top of his head.

"Ready, my lady?" Emmett asked, a big smile on his face.

"Whenever you are, slow poke. I didn't over look the fact that you were over two minutes late, you know." Rosalie answered with a grin. She felt like someone had knocked the sun into her, and the feeling was magnificent.

"Oh no, not two minutes! Can you ever forgive me?" Emmett asked dramatically, playing into her little game perfectly. He really was like an over grown two year old in most ways; the kind of boy girls complained that they felt like they were 'babysitting' when they went out on a date with them. Rosalie was sure that was her favorite quality of his.

"We'll see, it depends on how fast you can drive." Rosalie told him, stepping out of the door. Of course, her mother was not there to frock and fuss over taking a million pictures like ninety percent of the student body was currently enduring with gritted teeth and shrugged shoulders.

Not for the first time, Rosalie wished there was more distance between the school and her house. She wanted some more time to spend just with Emmett before she was thrust into a room full of hopping, happy teenage couples in love. Lukily, there was plenty of traffic to go around, and that at least doubled the time it took to get to the school.

"So... you are you... ya know, doing?" Emmett asked, clearly trying to drop a hint at what he meant without saying it. Of course he did not want to say it, nobody wanted to say the words, the words that made the whole thing real. She learned that from years and years of learning of people she knew on-line being caught, sneaking onto the websites when no one was awake.

"Fine." Rosalie simply lied, half wishing he would look her in the eyes and say 'tell the truth.' He didn't.

She knew it was better he think she was getting better. She wasn't sure which ways the tides would turn, and she had to be ready to dive even deeper into the world of Ana and Mia. How deep did that world get? Was there a depth? Or was there no depth at all, and Rosalie was only hanging around in some empty lake, waiting to be fished out.

It took another couple minutes for Emmett to find a parking spot, and once the car was parked, he raced to open to open Rosalie's door before she could do it herself. Normally, she might have wanted to prove that she was independant and coudl do it herself. This time, she allowed Emmett to get his way.