Broken China Doll

by: pandorabox82

Chapter Four: Tears That You've Been Living With

The weekend had passed quickly, with Harry holed up in his room for the majority of the time. Petunia didn't know what he was doing up there, but she did notice the increased number of owls going to and from his window. She wondered who he was writing to, and what he was saying.

Monday, things returned to their routine. She kissed Vernon and Dudley good-bye as they left for work, and thew went back to the kitchen. Harry was sitting in Vernon's chair again, and she took her normal seat. Looking at Harry, she asked, "How are you doing in school?"

"Fine, I suppose. I'm not at the very top of my class, that's Hermione, but I'm not at the bottom, either. Why do you ask?"

"Just curious, I suppose. Your mum always did well in her classes as well. My grades just never seemed to be adequate for him, and the more he pushed the worse it got. They didn't want to move me up to the fourth form, but they did. Then, Lily came home for Christmas, bringing that boy with her, and his little friends…"

"Mum, Da, Petunia, I'd like you to meet James Potter, and his friends Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin. They wanted to spend Christmas here." Lily stared at her father, daring him to nay say her, or so it seemed to Petunia.

She felt someone's eyes on her, and looking around, saw it was the one Lily had called Remus. Petunia recalled that name from her Roman mythology book she'd read ages ago. She smiled shyly at him, and was hurt when he turned his head from her. 'Of course, Lily's probably told them everything I've said and done to her,' she thought. 'Well, no matter, I don't need those freaks around me anyway.' She blinked back the sharp prickle of tears and went upstairs, shutting herself in her room.

Suppertime came, and she ventured out of her room. Lily had met her on the stairs, and told her she'd just come to get her. Together, they continued down the stairs. They were eating in the dining room, the only place with enough room for all of them.

The conversation was stilted, with the boys trying not to speak to Petunia, yet still trying to be polite. She kept quiet and let them think of her what they would. She had nothing to prove to them. Finally, she was allowed to return upstairs, and once again shut herself in her room, away from their accusing stares. She tried to read, but found she couldn't concentrate on even her favourite books.

'Maybe he won't come tonight, seeing as we have guests,' she thought before she drifted off to sleep.

It was about two in the morning, and her father had just left her room. Petunia could not get back to sleep for the life of her, and so she crept downstairs and into the kitchen for a glass of milk. Turning on the light, she was surprised to find she was not alone.

"Couldn't sleep either, Petunia? Was your conscience getting to you?"

"You're Remus, aren't you?"

"Guilty as charged. Now, what's a young girl like you doing up this time of night?"

"Like you said, I couldn't sleep. Where are the rest of your friends?"

"Camped out in front of Lily's door. She said that sometimes your father sleepwalks and wakes her up. We're making sure that doesn't happen this year? Does he ever disturb your sleep?"

It took all Petunia had in her not to respond to his question. He was so close to the truth as it was that any little slip on her part might hurt both her and Lily. Instead, she just chose to stare at him, watching him sniff the air, almost as if he could smell what her father had done to her that night.

"Are you certain you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Remus! I just wish you freaks had stayed in your world!" she hissed back at him through clenched teeth.

"So, Lily was right. You are jealous of her and what she can do. Petunia, grow up. She's just different than you are, nothing more and nothing less. She's your sister for Merlin's sake, and she loves you."

To Petunia's utter mortification, she began to cry. She never let anyone see her cry. "She left me alone, with him. If she'd really loved me, she would have taken me with her." Turning, she ran blindly up to her room, forgetting about the reason she'd gone downstairs in the first place.

Once she was upstairs, she took a look at Lily's door. Sure enough, just as Remus had said, those freaks were camped out in front of it. Petunia went into her room, lay on her bed, and covered herself up with a blanket. Sleep overtook her the moment her head touched the pillow, and so she missed hearing Remus come up the stairs and move his blanket and pillow from Lily's door to her own.

The next day, Petunia got up early and fixed breakfast for everyone. It was what she did normally, and to her, the sense of normalcy was fast becoming something she had to have at any cost. Nothing in her life was normal, and if anyone really knew what was happening to her, they'd all be a little more sympathetic – even Lily's gang, she was certain of it. But no one knew, and no one would ever know of the life she was forced to live, not if she wanted to stay relatively safe. Petunia wasn't strong, but she was smart, and she knew when to pick her battles and with whom.

Slowly, the others came down to the kitchen, and Petunia fed them without complaint. No one noticed the way Petunia stiffened her body when her father kissed her forehead or the tears that shone in her eyes when he left Lily alone. 'Even now, Lily is the favoured child, more deserving of love and respect than I am,' she thought bitterly.

The day itself passed quickly, and though Remus had tried to get her to go with them to the city, Petunia refused. She didn't want to be seen anywhere with those freaks, people might talk, and she couldn't have that. So instead, she spent the time re-reading the book she'd grown to love as a child – Sarah in Muggleland. Instantly, her memory took her back to that day in Flourish and Blotts, and the kindness of a family she'd never gotten the names to. She napped about halfway through the book, her exhaustion catching up to her.

A few hours later, she woke up to Lily pounding on her door. "Get up Petunia. It's time for supper. Mum says you missed lunch, and so you have to come down now."

Petunia opened the door to her room after getting out of bed. Lily stood there smiling and unconsciously she returned the smile. Together, they walked down to the dining room, and Petunia took a seat next to Remus. He tried to engage her in a conversation, but she responded to him seldomly, and when she did, it was with monosyllabic answers. Finally, he gave up and started talking to Peter and Sirius, who'd been giving him odd look all of supper.

Once more, Petunia was glad for the end of supper and her ability to escape to her room. As she got up to leave, she caught the look in her father's eye and knew he'd be there in her room again, and she shuddered. Her heart grew heavy as she thought about the night to come.

Tears stung Petunia's eyes as she made her way down to the kitchen once more. Tonight, he'd been rougher than he normally was, and she hurt so badly, both in her body and her heart. Stumbling into the kitchen, she took a seat at the table, buried her head in her arms, and sobbed.

"It's more than sleepwalking, isn't it, Petunia?"

Gasping, she looked up from the nest of her arms to look into Remus's solemn face. "What are you talking about? I-I just finished a very moving novel and was simply overcome."

"You're lying, Petunia. I can smell him on you, even if the others can't. How can you let this happen, night after night?"

"I'm not strong enough to oppose him. He said he'd really hurt us if we ever told anyone. You must promise me not to say a word to anyone. I don't want him to hurt Lily." She put her head back down and cried once more, and she felt him move closer to her.

"I'll only promise not to tell if you let me protect you the rest of our time here. I can't sit back and watch him destroy you, even if you do hate Lily."

"That's just it, I don't hate Lily. I hate the fact she was strong enough to escape, to be free of him. She's not coming home this summer, is she?"

"No, she's not. How did you know?"

"The ring on her finger that only recently appeared. The secret looks she's been giving James. The owls that leave here in the middle of the night with large packages tied to them. All these add up to someone who is making their final visit here."

"You could come with us, Petunia. There are people who would take you in, love you, be the parents to you that yours are not. I know the Weasleys have always wanted to have a girl in the family."

"No, I can't, I'm sorry. You can stay outside my door the remainder of the holiday if you wish. Just please, please, don't give me false hope. And if anyone asks you why I didn't want to be with Lily, tell them I was jealous of her, that I hated her. It's better if she had no ties here, drawing her back."

Remus put a hand on her shoulder, and she looked at him, the tears still running down her face. Gently, he placed his hand under her chin and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "I won't forget that you did this to protect her, Petunia. I wonder which once of you is really the strong one." He then stood from his place next to her and extended his hand. She reached out and grabbed ahold of it, letting him lead her up the stairs. Before she went into her room, she kissed him once more, knowing she could never do so again.

The days that followed fell into a regular pattern. With each successive day, Petunia became more hateful to her sister, taunting her, making fun of her, doing whatever she could to make her sister hate her and cut all ties with the family. It worked, and by the end of the holiday, the sisters were no longer speaking.

Remus was true to his word and kept his lonely vigil outside her door each night, listening to her sob for the sister she'd thought she had to drive away, and for the love she knew she could never have.

None of them knew of a way to escape unscathed from the vicious cycle that had ensnared Petunia and Lily. And when Lily left that final time, Petunia looked, for all the world, like a broken china doll.

She was crying when she finished the day's tale. She felt his hand cover hers, offering her what almost felt like a blessing and forgiveness. She looked into his eyes and saw that he had been crying as well, and she tentatively reached out her hand to wipe the tears away, half expecting him to flinch away from her touch. He didn't, and she gently wiped his tears away. "I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't mean to make you cry. It's just, the closer we get to the present, the harder my story is to tell. But tell me, can I ever find redemption for what I did to my sister?"

"There's no need, Aunt Petunia. You did what you believed necessary to protect my mother. You kept up a wonderful act. What I don't understand is how you could hate me so."

"Oh, please believe me when I say I knew it wasn't right to treat you as we had. But Vernon was so against your kind, especially after what Father told him. Do you think you can wait a few more days for me to finish the tale? Maybe then you'll understand in whole."

"I can try, Aunt Petunia. May I hug you before going out into the garden?"

She nodded, and he placed his arms around her waist, laying his head on her shoulder. She shuddered a bit, and he felt the tears that rolled down her cheeks splash on her face. He reached up with one of hands and wiped off her tears, mimicking her earlier action, noting that she still flinched from that unexpected touch. Releasing her, he smiled at her until she smiled back weakly, her first true smile at him since he was a toddler.

"Run along now, they'll be back soon, and it wouldn't do for Vernon to catch you in here," she primly said, her former self slipping back into place. But she softened her words with a small smile, and Harry knew for certain that she had changed.