(EPOV)
The next day we had a family meeting. Carlisle wanted to put together a plan for Bella's mental health since we couldn't exactly send her to a professional. I knew it would make her uncomfortable, but she needed to know we were here for her. It's not like we could just forget any of this ever happened and live happily ever after, as much as I would like to.
Bella looked a deer caught in the headlights when the family converged on her in the living room. She let out a nervous chuckle. "Why do I have the feeling you all want to talk about something I'm not going to like?"
"Because we are?" Alice flopped on the couch next to her and took her hand. I sat on her other side. Carlisle, Jasper, and Esme took the couch across from us. Bella started playing with the ends of her hair nervously.
Alice started by sliding Bella's sleeve up her arm, turning her arm over so the parallel lines of smaller cuts were visible. "First things first Bella. You have to promise me...this...is going to stop. And you know I'll know if you don't mean it." She tapped her head, and then wrinkled her nose. "It wouldn't be the best idea to tempt a house full of vampires with fresh blood."
She blushed crimson and ducked her head. "I know...I won't, I promise."
"Bella..." Alice put her arm around Bella and laid her head on her shoulder. "If we could undo these past three months, you know we would."
"So I guess this is like some kind of intervention or therapy, huh?" She asked.
Carlisle chuckled and leaned forward in doctor mode. "We just want to make sure you are alright. What you went through was very traumatic, and unfortunately, there isn't a therapist out there that you could really talk to about this whole situation. We want you to know that we are here for you. If you'd rather talk to just one of us, we can arrange it, but honestly we would all hear whatever was said anyway, or Edward would read it in our thoughts, or Alice would see it. So, we felt it was more honest if we were all present. Our family doesn't really have secrets."
She nodded, refusing to look up. "It's embarrassing."
"There's nothing to be embarrassed about Bella. No matter what, we'll still love you, we just want to understand." I took her other hand in mine.
After a deep breath she started hesitantly. "I thought if I hurt myself, you would come back. That Alice would have a vision, and you would come back to stop me." Pain stabbed me right in the chest. I had done this to her. If I hadn't forced Alice not to look, she would have seen and I would have gone back sooner. It never would have come to this point, I would not have let it.
"I eventually realized, you weren't going to come back, but it gave me a little bit of relief, so I kept doing it." No matter how safe I tried to keep her, she still managed to get hurt, whether it was from rogue vampires, or the emotional anguish I caused. Edward, let up on her hand, you're going to hurt her. Alice warned me in her thoughts. I immediately let go of Bella's hand. She wiped away the tears that had started to fall and let out a huff. "After the first couple times, I didn't even get dizzy."
"Of course when I realized that you weren't coming back, that Alice wasn't seeing me, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't ever going to see you, any of you, again. I guess it sounds ridiculous, but I just couldn't function, it was like a part of me died. I was useless to anyone else, Charlie didn't know what to do with me, Renee was beside herself with worry, they talked about forcing me into a hospital. I sat through three days of therapy, never speaking a word before Charlie decided it was a waste. It's not like I could really talk to anyone about what happened. I tried, for Charlie, I really tried, but I knew it wasn't going to get any better. I just didn't care anymore."
"One day I just realized how much pain I was causing my family, and I couldn't stand it any longer. I had lost everything...Charlie just watched me with this look on his face. I couldn't take it. I wasn't good enough...I was hurting the people who loved me..." She shrugged, her voice cracking with emotion. I couldn't help but pull her into my arms and hold her. I didn't know what to say, what do you say to someone who thought life wasn't worth living because you hurt them. I did this to her, how could I make it better?
"I'm so sorry, love. I never wanted you to feel that way, I thought you would move on and forget about me." I murmured into her hair.
"How could I ever forget about you? You were my life. It wasn't just you either. Alice was my best friend. Not to mention Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Jasper...it wasn't just losing a boyfriend, it was losing everyone."
"I know." I sighed. "You are my life too."
"You were the one who walked away."
"It was the worst mistake I've ever made. You are my other half, and without you I'm not whole. I cannot survive without you." Something softened in her eyes and she wrapped her arms around me, burying her head into my chest again.
Carlisle cleared his throat. "I think we all owe you an apology Bella, for not thinking it through, for dismissing your feelings so easily. I'm embarrassed at how we handled things, and I hope in time you can forgive us all."
"Of course." Always forgiving, that was my Bella.
"Bella, what is important now is that you are here, and you have all of us here for support. If you ever need to talk to someone, we're all available for you. Do you still have feelings of wanting to hurt yourself?" Carlisle asked, stepping into the role of doctor.
I'm not sure how Bella still had tears left as much as she had cried lately. As the tears slid down her cheeks, she answered. "Honestly? The urge is still there. Especially when I think of my family and what I did to them. But I won't act on it, I know that's not fair to myself or any of you. Thinking about it now, it just seems really stupid to try to hurt myself, but I still feel the need to release these emotions somehow. I'm not sure if I am making any sense, I know it doesn't make sense to me." She looked up at me and searched my face for my reaction, before continuing. I tried to give her a comforting smile, not letting the torment show on my face. I could feel Jasper's calming influence and tried to soak it in.
"I do feel better, having you all here, but I'm not going to be perfectly ok overnight. I may not ever be completely ok. When I think of the pain I caused Charlie, Renee...all my friends...the guilt is overwhelming. When I made the decision to end it, I expected that to be the end. Having to deal with still being alive, but everyone thinking I killed myself..." She shook her head again. "I knew before that it was inevitable, when, or if, I was changed, that we'd have to fake my death. It's harder than I thought, leaving behind those I love. I guess I did get to say goodbye to Charlie and Renee, in a way though...Alice do you know? Are they going to be ok?"
"They will be alright Bella. The loss of a child is a hard thing to deal with, but they would have had to deal with it eventually, I never saw you living a long human life." I hissed at Alice, always revealing too much. She glared at me. She deserves to know the truth and I'm tired of hiding things and lying to her. "I'm not sure if that helps any, but I thought I should be honest. They will always miss you, but they'll find their own happiness. Do you want me to watch them for you?" My sister asked, full of compassion. The tears were flowing down Bella's cheeks again, and she nodded.
Carlisle waited for her to calm down before continuing the discussion. "So, Bella, we have all talked and come up with some ideas for helping you through all this. You've been through more than anyone should and are dealing with a lot of different issues. It would be negligent of us to just sweep everything under the rug and pretend it never happened. Jasper and I both have degrees in Psychology, and most of the family has taken courses through the years. Our hope is that you will allow us to counsel you and help you through this, that you feel comfortable enough to talk to us about anything that may be bothering you. How does that sound?"
Bella groaned and buried her face in her hands. "As much as I'd love to sweep everything under the rug, I know it's not healthy. I know I'm not fine, and Edward and I have some issues we need to work through as well." She eyed me apologetically, and I gave her a reassuring smile. I knew we had a lot to work through, but the fact that she was willing to work on us made me elated.
Everyone smiled.
Good, this is what she needs.
...everything is going just as it should.
"You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that Bella." Carlisle sat back, relieved that she was willing to accept our help. "One thing that is important is for you to try to live again. I know it's difficult while we're holed up in the winter on a private island, but I believe you'll find comfort in reclaiming some of your daily routines. Your life is still going forward, and while you should definitely talk about what's happened in the past, it is not healthy to dwell there. Take some time to think about what you would like to do in the future, while still human, as well as after the change. It is normal for you to feel lost right now, and this should help give you some direction. You have many lifetimes and opportunities ahead of you."
I looked down at Bella and she had the most serene smile on her face. I should never have doubted Carlisle's ability to reach her. Sure, I had seen him in practice with his patients, and experienced the calm and collected demeanor with which he led the family, but watching him with Bella was something else. He was a natural with her and I could tell they would share a deep bond in the many, many years to come. While he would never replace Charlie, he would fill the role to some extent.
"That sounds like a good place to start Carlisle, thank you. I do feel very lost, and my mind seems to run in circles going over everything that has happened. Shifting my focus would be good, I just didn't know where to begin." She sat up a little straighter, and I buried my nose in her hair, breathing deeply.
"I think we'll just handle this informally for now. If you feel the need to talk to someone, just let us know, and from time to time one of us may find you. Also, if at any time things become to overwhelming, please let me know. None of us can read your mind, so we need you to be open and honest with us, communicate and keep talking. Alright?"
"Sure." Bella was uneasy with all this attention. Her face never lost that familiar blush, and now her eyes were red-rimmed and puffy from more tears.
She's going to be just fine Edward. Bella has a strong mind and she'll sort all this out in no time. Carlisle reassured me.
I tilted my head slightly indicated I heard him, and decided Bella had enough stress for today. Wait. I caught myself. It's up to her whether she has had enough or not. I have to let her make her own decisions. So I bit my lip, figuratively, and stayed by her side instead of encouraging her to go rest.
Everyone was quiet for a moment before I caught the direction of Jasper's thoughts. "Bella?" He asked as he leaned forward. "May I ask what you are thinking about right now?" Her eyes immediately clouded over.
"I forgot you can do that." She gave him a weak smile. "It's nothing."
"Bella?" Carlisle urged.
She blanched and cleared her throat. "I just feel awful that I always seem to bring some kind of trouble to your family. From the first day Edward met me, it seems like one thing after another. Your family lived in peace for so long, until I showed up. And now...Edward left me, you all left and moved on with your lives. I feel like I forced my way back into the family. I've done nothing but cause problems for you all, and yet, here you are still trying to help me...willing to accept me." She chewed on her lower lip.
"Well it may be true that our family has had quite our share of excitement since you first crossed our path." His eyes danced in amusement. "However, do not think for one moment that we aren't happy to have you in our lives. You have nothing to feel guilty about, if we did not want you in our lives, we wouldn't be here right now. It's our choice to be here for you because we care a great deal about you. You have brought something to our family that was missing and the only thing we would change is the fact that we left you in the first place."
Jasper spoke honestly. I expected this kind of speech from Carlisle, but not Jasper. Alice was beaming, love radiating for her mate. Suddenly, I felt guilty. Guilty for pushing Jasper away as soon as Bella came into my life. He was my brother and it had been a long time since I'd treated him like one.
Jasper fixed his gaze on me and arched an eyebrow. And what are you feeling guilty about?
I shook my head dismissively and promised myself that I would fix this later.
"Thank you Jasper, that means a lot." Bella whispered. "I think I'm going to go to my room now, if we're finished?" She asked, looking at Carlisle expectantly.
He nodded. "I think that's enough for today. Please know that what Jasper said goes for all of us. You will always be a part of this family."
Bella retreated to her room, and in a matter of minutes we heard the unmistakable sound of a pen on paper. She was writing again, and I hoped it was helping. Alice had gifted her with a journal before we left Denali, in case writing proved to be therapeutic or if she wanted to write down the memories she wanted to keep once she was changed. She had been writing in it on a regular basis and Alice had already purchased additional journals in case Bella needed them. It was surreal that Bella was going into the change with all this knowledge and I know my entire family was curious to see how it affected the outcome. None of us had a choice, or even knew vampires were real until we were bitten or woke up. Our human memories were fuzzy, and Alice had none at all. Bella may have a completely different experience, and perhaps her first year would not be so wrought with confusion and chaos. I could hope of course, though Jasper assured me it was unlikely, having turned hundreds, if not thousands of humans himself.
Alice began speaking too low and fast for Bella to hear. "Christmas is in a couple of days and it's going to be Bella's last one as a human. We should do something special."
"With everything that has been going on, I completely forgot until we went into town. I wasn't sure if Bella would feel up to it, or if she would want to skip it because the holiday might hold too many painful memories for her." Esme's eyes glistened with excitement. Alice and Esme both enjoyed the holiday season, parties and decorations and gifts. I could see Esme was imagining baking cookies for Bella, along with a traditional Christmas dinner. Alice had visions of decorations literally dancing in her head. Carlisle was remembering Christmases past with fondness, and Jasper was thoughtful about how Bella might react. I wasn't sure, and didn't want to make any decisions without asking her, so I decided to go ask. I could have Alice look, but that wouldn't be fair to Bella. We had to stop making decisions without her input.
I was at her door in an instant and knocked lightly. Her sweet voice told me to come in. Wherever she was, it was home, and there was no sweeter sound than her voice. It sang to my soul.
"Edward?" She gave me a small smile and I joined her on the bed, tucking a strand of her hair behind her cheek. She leaned into my touch a bit.
"I wanted to ask you about something." I took her hand in mine. "Christmas is in a couple of days and we were wondering how you felt about celebrating. This will be your last Christmas as a human, but we also realize that you might not feel like celebrating considering what you've been through."
I watched her bite down on her bottom lip and before I could stop myself, I gently cupped her chin and traced my thumb over it, thus releasing it from her teeth. She sucked in a gasp and her eyes burned with desire for just a moment. Hope swelled inside me, but I dropped my hand and mumbled an apology. I shouldn't have touched her so intimately yet.
"Yes." She said. "I want to celebrate Christmas. Life goes on, and this being my last human Christmas is important. One of those human experiences you were always so insistent upon."
Bella barely got the words out of her mouth before Alice was in the room squealing with excitement. "Oh Bella, this is going to be the best Christmas ever because you're with us!" She bounced on the bed. We'll have to go into town of course, and the boys will have to find a tree. There should be a suitable one on the island already Edward." And she showed me the mental image of the one she wanted. "Of course we have to have Christmas dinner with all the trimmings." Bella groaned and pulled a pillow over her face as Alice continued with her plans. "Make a list of everything you want to eat and Esme will go grocery shopping tomorrow. We'll make a day of it, all day shopping."
"Alice, please remember Bella still doesn't have stamina of a healthy human, let alone a psychotic vampire." I teased gently, ever cautious about Bella's recovery. It hadn't even been two weeks since she was on death's doorstep, and she was just now getting over the tail end of pneumonia.
My sister huffed and rolled her eyes. "I know! She can still help us pick out decorations and shop for gifts. I'll make sure that we take breaks and keep her fed. Oh you will come won't you Bella?"
"Haven't you already seen it Alice?" She asked, her voice muffled from the pillow.
"Well, yes, but I still wanted to ask. I promise we'll take it easy." Alice yanked the pillow off of Bella's head and flashed her a huge grin.
"Of course I'll come Alice." Bella resigned herself to her fate.
"Good! Now what colors should we do? I was thinking traditional with red, green and silver... but something different might be nice...purple and silver? Either one would look really nice and classy." She frowned. "All our ornaments are in storage, we didn't think to ship them out for the holiday. Bella, I can't wait for you to see our collection. Carlisle has some truly beautiful and ancient ones."
"I bet they are amazing Alice. I'll see them next year. How about white lights, with purple and silver?" Bella decided. Alice had that far away look in her eye, she was watching the future develop as decisions were made.
Alice grinned mischievously. "Perfect! We'll need lots of mistletoe and candles."
I started to get up and leave the room but Bella clamped down on my hand giving me a look that said I wasn't going anywhere and would have to suffer through this with her. We mostly sat and listened to Alice prattle on about all kinds of ideas, occasionally giving our input when asked.
Suddenly Bella jumped and her whole face brightened. Alice grinned and quickly started her usually mind blocking tactics. "That's perfect for him Bella! We'll get it tomorrow." I tried to quell my curiosity and didn't pry into Alice's thoughts any further. Alice always knew what her presents, and everyone else's were, but I preferred a surprise. I started wondering what I could get for Bella, and if she would even be receptive to gifts this year, she always fought so hard against anything like this. Considering the talk she and Carlisle had, I was just going to go for it. I loved her and she would just have to accept anything I wished to buy her.
Eventually, Alice flitted out of the room to go discuss things further with Esme and Bella let go of her death grip on my hand.
"Edward, I don't have the faintest clue what to get them." She sounded nervous.
"Anything you choose will be perfect, love." I reassured her. "Why don't you make a list of things you'd like for Christmas dinner. I know Esme is already excited about baking cookies with you."
"I'm the only one who eats, there's really no need to cook all that food."
"It's your last Christmas dinner, as a human anyway, you should have everything you love. We can freeze whatever you don't eat and you can have the leftovers later." I suggested.
"I guess that would work. It would be fun...I think." Her eyes lit up a little at the thought, and in that moment the world seemed a little brighter.
~~**~~
Carlisle, Jasper and I left the house to find the tree after Alice called to tell us they were on their way home. She wanted us out of the house while they unloaded the spoils of their shopping day. Alice claimed that she didn't want me to see what everyone had gotten, that one person knowing was enough, but I knew there was more to it. I played along, it was nice for the family to have some fun once in a while and secrets were hard to keep.
Jasper was radiating joy through our little trio, but Carlisle had the rest of our family on his mind. He thought if he could convince Em and Rose to come home it would be the perfect gift for Esme, but his last conversation with Rose did not go so well. She thought we had left Bella and all the problems that went with her behind in Forks. In not so many words, she told him she would come home when the human was gone. None of us knew exactly what she meant and if her feelings would change once Bella was one of us. Em was unhappy, feeling torn between his wife and his family. Bella had become a little sister to him, and it just added to his turmoil that he couldn't be here for her. He called me once since they left to let me know how he really felt and to apologize for not being there. I knew he would work on Rose, but she was stubborn. We all missed Emmett's presence, especially at Christmas. Getting the tree had always been something the four of us did, and the big oaf enjoyed the holiday with childlike excitement. This holiday seemed like it would be quite somber.
"So where do we find this perfect tree Edward?" Carlisle asked as we ran through the forest.
"I'll know it when I see it. There's some trees similar to the one in her vision on the east side of the island." The exact location was not apparent in Alice's vision, but knowing every inch of the island would help narrow it down.
It felt good to stretch my legs and let loose through the snow. Being a vampire meant I could enjoy the beauty of the white drifts without worrying about the cold, and I felt a pang of sadness that Bella could not be here beside me in this moment, but pure joy that we would have an eternity of Christmases to spend together. I ran through the trees, searching, until I saw the view from Alice's mind.
"It's here." I halted. Jasper and Carlisle joined me as I pointed it out. The balsam fir was perfect – full and symmetrical – and not too large since the cabin was crowded already. We all eyed the tree appreciatively and then stepped back. We usually took the time to hunt together and do some male bonding when we went out to get the tree, but there was nothing but rodents to hunt on the island and they were better left for emergencies.
"What do you say Edward, a wrestling match in honor of our wayward brother?" Jasper grinned at me, mischief gleaming in his eye. On the count of three, let's take Carlisle down. I looked up at the sky, knowing he would understand my assent.
One...Two...Three!
We crouched and sprang in unison, toppling our patriarch and rolling through the drifts of snow. Even Carlisle enjoyed a good match, though he seldom gave in. He was slower than me, and not as experienced as Jasper, having spent his centuries living a passive and peaceful life, but it was all in good fun. Jasper distracted me with a quick shot of lethargy, and Carlisle took the opportunity to throw me a few hundred feet into a deeper bank of snow. I laid there in hiding as the snow above me caved in, feeling the indescribable texture of each flake again my cool, granite skin. Since I had no body heat the snow would not melt. I followed Jasper and Carlisle's thoughts and watched the battle through their eyes. Carlisle got the upper hand and sent Jasper flying in my direction, as soon as he landed I leapt from the snow and tackled him, taking him by surprise. We continued the battle, relieving any pent up aggression. Jasper would distract me with errant emotions, but I could read his moves before he made them, though through the years he has learned how to keep me out of his head in a match pretty successfully. We finally called a draw when we had each other in a headlock. Laughing and shaking hands, we dusted the snow out of our hair and loped back to Carlisle who had taken the time to rip our chosen Christmas tree out of the ground. He greeted us with a reserved smile. My sons, it's good to have them back.
"It's good to be back Carlisle." I leveled a steady and sincere gaze at the man I considered my father. So much was shared in just one look, though there was still unspoken tension between us. I had been his first companion and the bond we shared was almost as strong as that of a mate. He continued to welcome me back with open arms no matter how many times I strayed or how heinous my crimes. As much as I believed we were damned immortals without souls, I honestly could not look at Carlisle and see the soulless monster I considered myself to be.
The three of us hoisted the tree to our shoulders and took off at a light jog towards the house. When we arrived at the house, our ladies were waiting for us on the porch. Alice and Esme were singing carols in their minds, and I couldn't tell for sure if they were just in the Christmas spirit or if they were blocking something. Bella was bundled up between the two of them, holding a mug of hot cider, the crisp apple scent warmed the air.
Esme and Alice got up from the bench and met us at the stairs. "It's perfect!" Alice beamed. "Go a head and take it in, the stand is ready."
"We need to level off the bottom first, if you'll get the saw Jasper." Carlisle greeted Esme with a chaste kiss and a smile.
I left them to go sit by Bella. "Did you have a nice time today?"
"Yes, actually. It was fun. Alice was good and found places for me to rest while she and Esme blew through the stores like tornadoes. They did the grocery shopping while I sat and ate lunch at a little deli. Looks like you guys had fun too." She gently traced a rip in my shirt, and my skin burned with the heat of her touch.
I chuckled. "Yeah, kind of a tradition. A little male bonding as we hunt down a tree for our womenfolk."
"It's a beautiful tree." She sipped her cider and I watched the muscles in her throat flex as she swallowed, her pink tongue darting out to lick the rest from her top lip.
"Mmhmm...." I was too busy watching her as she watched the ocean through the trees.
She turned to me, her deep brown eyes scanning my face as to memorize every detail. They lingered on the lock of hair hanging over my forehead and I knew she wanted to run her fingers through it, I could see her fingers twitch ever so slightly. "Will you be going into town now to get your Christmas shopping done?" One eyebrow arched delicately awaiting my answer.
"Yes, as soon as the tree is set up. Alice kind of works herself into a frenzy decorating the thing, and it's best if everyone stays out of her way. Besides, the stores will close early tomorrow since it's Christmas Eve, so we want to get it over with. We're usually much more prepared than this..." I trailed off, not wanting her to feel guilty any more than she already did. No matter how I phrased it, she would blame herself for interrupting our holiday. The family had planned to spend it in Denali, but with everything that happened, all thoughts of Christmas kind of went out the door. Personally, I could do without the holiday. I already had the most precious gift sitting beside me.
"Maybe I'll hide out in my room then. You should see all the decorations she bought." Bella rolled her eyes. "She even insisted on Christmas pajamas and outfits for everyone."
"Sounds like Alice." I laughed.
The silence we shared then wasn't as comfortable as it once had been. Both of us seemed to have a million things to say but refused to let them cross our lips. Our bodies ached to reacquaint themselves with each other, but we held ourselves back.
Bella finished the last sip of her cider and then rose to go inside. I followed. The tree had been set up and there were packages and bags everywhere. Let's make a run for it. Jasper caught my eye with a pointed look.
"Ready Carlisle?" I asked, anxious to get going. Bella truly had no idea how manic Alice could be about decorating.
I watched the two couples kiss goodbye and looked at Bella, yearning for the same. Her eyes flickered over my face, lingering on my lips, before she gave me a small smile. "Have fun." She said quickly before making a beeline for her room.
~~**~~
"I'm sorry." I told them on the boat ride over to the main island. Carlisle cut the engine and sat down to face me. We hadn't spoken much since I rejoined the family, and it was probably long overdue. Carlisle had the patience of a saint and had been waiting for me to be ready. "I'm sorry for everything I've put this family through over the past few months. I have made some bad choices, and I hope you all can forgive me."
"Of course we forgive you. I only hope you've learned some things over the past few months Edward. Love isn't a game, you can't play with her emotions. If you're going to love her, you have to let go of all the guilt and regret. She has never blamed you for anything that happened to her. She has never regretted knowing you and loving you. You have waited a long time for this, and you do deserve it."
"Really Edward." Jasper scoffed. "Surely, if I deserve the happiness I have found with Alice after all I have done, you can see that you deserve the same. It's time for the self-loathing to stop. Be happy. Make Bella happy. Enjoy your lives together. Just like we told her, you have many lifetimes ahead of you, it's time to stop dwelling on the past."
"But don't you understand that I've basically killed the only woman I've ever loved? I've condemned her to this damned existence and now there's no escape from it. Alice was already a vampire, you didn't have to worry about taking her life, her soul!" It was different for me and Bella, but I'd never been able to convince my family of this. Only Rose stood by me in my insistence that Bella remain human,.
"You forget, son, I also loved a human. Are you saying I damned Esme? Do you believe she is a monster?" Carlisle's words were hard. I knew he struggled with guilt over turning each of us, but he had never allowed it to consume him as I did. His was more of a fleeting question of whether it was the right thing to do, and the only true remorse he felt was with Rose since she had never gotten over losing her human life. Esme had found her place in this life and I would never consider her a monster. Even when I watched her struggle as a newborn, in the throes of blood lust, the word monster never crossed my mind. Why did I consider myself so much worse than the others? Because for a few years I gave into that monster within and took human lives. Even if I tried to justify that they were murderers and rapists, truly evil people, the fact still remained that I killed.
"Of course not Carlisle. I look at you and Esme and you're both so...good. You know why I feel differently about myself. All I see is the monster, I killed people. Perhaps it is also different because Bella is a healthy human with so much life ahead of her. Esme was dying and had lived through so much suffering. You gave Esme a new beginning, and I believe she's been happy."
"Son, you went through a dark period in your life, but even then you tried to be noble. You have never seen the good in yourself as I do. You always tell Bella she doesn't see herself clearly, but it is you that doesn't see yourself clearly. Bella sees the good in you just as easily as I do. She knows your past, she knows what you are, and she accepts it, just as Alice accepts Jasper, and Esme accepts me. When you love someone you accept the good with the bad. Everyone, even humans, have both positive and negative points in their lives, they make us who we are. You are stronger for having gone through all of that." I started to object but he held his hand up to stop me. "I know you don't see it...or rather you refuse to see it...but the fact is that you may have let your instincts take over, yet you still maintained enough control to consider who your victims were. Not to mention you turned your back on it all and returned home, returned to this lifestyle. That makes you a stronger man than you realize. Some of your victims would have continued to kill numerous times, in essence you saved more lives than you took, though I know you will never see it that way. I've told you this countless times, but you have to stop letting that period define who you are. I will never tell you that you should forget it ever happened. Quite the contrary, you should always remember that time in your life, but also remember why you turned your back on that part of your nature, for that says a lot more about who you are than what you did."
Jasper was listening intently, for a lot of what Carlisle said pertained to him as well. "Don't forget that you have resisted Bella's blood, as strongly as it calls to you, all because your love for her is stronger than your thirst. Can you truly say you are a monster when you deny that part of yourself every single day as you stand by her side? When she was bleeding in the middle of that ballet studio and you sucked the venom from her body, where was the monster? When you pulled her out of that river with blood pouring from her wrists and you carried her back to the house, stitching up her wounds, where was the monster? I have taken more lives, both human and vampire, than any of you and it weighs most heavily on my conscience. However, I turned away from that life and found my way here. I refuse to feel guilty about finally having something good in my life."
"But can either of you say that you would have chosen this life, if you could go back and do it all over again?" I asked, knowing the answer. We'd had this discussion numerous times.
"Of course not, but do we get to choose everything in our lives? Sometimes things happen that are beyond our control, and we have to make the best of them. I know you are afraid Bella does not fully comprehend what she is asking, and maybe she doesn't. I believe she knows a lot more about what she is giving up than you do though. She is wise for her years, and willing to sacrifice her humanity for happiness. You cannot help who you fall in love with, and she would rather live a damned immortal existence by your side, than to have a normal human life without you. You have to stop blaming yourself for her choices, and she would tell you the same thing." He gave me a knowing smile, if not slightly smug. He knew Bella.
I nodded, unsure of what to say, but knowing they were right. I couldn't continue to blame myself for everything that happened to Bella. It would only serve to drive us further apart. I had to consider that she made the choice to love me, knowing what I was. She made the choice to stay with me, even after being attacked by other vampires. Of course I had warned her, and she had experienced the brutality of my kind first hand, but she still refused to run away screaming. Once again I had disregarded her feelings, thinking I knew better. Of all people Bella would know her own heart better than I. I could blame it on her silent mind that I never knew the true depth of her emotions, but that would be a lie. I saw it in her eyes every time she looked at me, and I felt it in her touch, the electricity humming along my skin every time we came in contact. Did she not watch me and drink in the sight of me as hungrily as I did her? Did she not cling to me as desperately as I did to her? If I had stopped to actually think about it, I would have found that every indicator I had about the depth of my feelings for her, was reflected in her actions, proving she was just as connected to me. Did not our time apart prove this further? Both miserable, dead inside, considering ending our lives because without each other the pain was too intolerable. It was all right there in front of me. Yet I convinced myself that a human girl could never feel the same depth of love and utter devotion that I had for her. I gave myself permission to leave her because I thought her childish crush would be fleeting. I placed myself in charge of her, deciding what was safe for her, protecting her from what I believed was a danger to her, including myself. She was not a pet to be taken care of, she was a woman to be loved and respected. While I may be older, I was certainly learning I was not wiser by any means.
"You're right." I suddenly exclaimed with a sharp exhale.
Both Jasper and Carlisle looked at me as if I had grown a second head. Their thoughts revealing they expected an argument and that everything would end up the same as it has always been when we've talked about these things in the past. That I would continue to blame myself and refuse to fully enjoy the gift that had been so delicately placed in my hands.
"She loves me." The brightest grin spreading across my face. "She chose me."
Carlisle's eyes sparkled. "Then you are finally going to allow yourself to enjoy this?"
"Absolutely." My grin was contagious and all three of us sat grinning like idiots at each other. I recognized the pure adoration and love they each felt for their mates, and it matched my own for once. I would be selfish and relish the fact that I would have Isabella by my side for eternity. It was my turn to be happy. She chose me.