Edward

O' Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining

It is the night, of our dear Saviour's birth...

Carlisle's smooth baritone voice sang as I played the keyboard Bella bought. It was reminiscent of past holidays, though we all were missing those who couldn't be with us. We would spend the evening around the fire listening to carols and singing along. We'd pull out the cards and play all night. This year was different because Bella was here and Esme had spent a large part of the day cooking up more food than she could eat in a week. They had a plan to freeze the excess, and they seemed to have fun working in the kitchen together, so no one complained.

Bella had been in a melancholy mood all day, which was to be expected. Jasper kidnapped her for a couple hours earlier, wanting to discuss what happened this morning. The rest of us usually left the cabin whenever Bella had a session with Jasper or Carlisle, but today she wanted to get some fresh air. He'd built a small sleigh, and instead of horses, one of us would pull it. We had taken the girls out one night to watch the aurora borealis, with Bella bundled up and buried under piles of blankets. Jasper had pulled it out again today, taking her around the island as they talked. When they returned, her cheeks were flushed from the cold, and her eyes held a hint of excitement as Jasper had really run for the last part of their journey back to the cabin. She was radiant. If only I hadn't broken her.

I saw some of their conversation in Jasper's thoughts. She missed her family and the realization had set in that she would never spend another Christmas with Charlie or Renee again. That was the main reason behind her outburst this morning. We'd encouraged her to introduce us to some of her traditions, but surprisingly, they didn't have many. Renee had different ideas every year about what the holiday should be, and the rare Christmas with Charlie was unremarkable. The one thing she requested was a slice of chocolate cake for breakfast on Christmas morning, like she had shared with Charlie whenever possible. Also, Bella wished she had the stocking her grandmother made her when she was a baby. This was her first year without it. Alice was going to try to get it at some point, as she had seen that Renee would never go looking for it.

I watched Bella as she mouthed along to the words Carlisle was singing. She was watching Alice and Jasper playing cards in front of the fire. Esme was curled up into Carlisle's side, a warm smile on her face as she listened to the music. There were plates of three different kinds of cookies on the table between the couches, and a long forgotten glass of eggnog Alice had insisted on. Bella didn't like it, so Esme kept her supplied with hot spiced cider.

Carlisle had cornered me today as well, wanting to discuss Bella's incident this morning. He wanted to make sure I wasn't letting the guilt cloud over everything else, because he knew how I was, and how I would push her away when I felt that way. I'd managed to swallow it for the most part and focus my attentions on Bella. He tells me I can't blame myself forever, but I know I always will. The difference is that I can't let it consume me. I still needed to be the Edward she needed. This was no time to be selfish and wallow in things that can't be changed. Focusing on what we will have together for eternity is the only way to make this work.

Play Grandma, Edward. Jasper grinned mischievously. He wanted to lighten things up a little, and secretly I knew he loved the stupid song.

I started playing the choppy chords and a smile played on everyone's lips has they heard the start of the song. Jasper tossed down his hand of cards and sat back with his arm propped on one knee.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Walking home from our house Christmas eve...

He sang with an exaggerated drawl, tapping his foot in time with the music. Alice sang along, and joined Bella on the couch. When it came time for the chorus, the rest of us joined in. A few more verses and the room was filled with joy as Jasper absorbed and broadcast emotions through the room.

Play mine next! Alice was bouncing on the couch and I groaned, but started in with the beginning notes to her favorite song. She got up and pranced over to Jasper's lap.

Santa baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me

Been an awful good girl

Santa baby so hurry down the chimney tonight

Alice, being Alice, sang the song, complete with a pouty whine and suggestive gestures.

Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue,

I'll wait up for you dear

Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed,

Think of all the fellows that I haven't kissed

Next year I could be just as good

If you check off my Christmas list

Bella blushed furiously and rolled her eyes at Alice's antics as she basically gave Jasper a lap dance. The music helped keep the atmosphere light and everyone seemed to be having a good time.

I played through several more songs that I knew my family enjoyed. Bella was visibly moved by the beauty of their voices as they sang along. She would move her lips to the words, but never joined in.

"Bella, is there anything you'd like to hear?" Carlisle asked, wanting to involve her in the celebration.

She shook her head. "I think you've played most of my favorites already."

There was a song I wanted to play for her before we finished for the night. "Bella, come here." I motioned for her to join me and got up so she could sit on the stool. I leaned down, with my arms reaching around her so I could still play.

Take back the holly and mistletoe

Silver bells on string

If I wrote a letter to Santa Claus

I would ask for just one thing

Carlisle and Esme smiled knowingly at each other and he glanced up briefly to make eye contact with me, nodding in approval. I leaned down and sang the rest of the lyrics softly into her ear, sending a shiver down her spine as my cool breath caressed her sensitive flesh.

I don't need sleigh rides in the snow

Don't want a Christmas that's blue

Take back the tinsel, stockings, and bows

'Cuz all I want for Christmas is you

I don't need expensive things

They don't matter to me

All that I want, can't be found

Underneath the Christmas tree

You are the angel atop my tree

You are my dream come true

Santa can't bring me what I need

'Cuz all I want for Christmas is you

The other couples had joined in, singing quietly to each other, but it barely registered as I poured my love into the words of the song. I remembered all the years I'd played this for the three mated pairs that made up my family, feeling bitter that I was alone and not knowing if I'd ever have someone to share this life with. With Bella's soft form between my arms, I now knew how precious love is and could never again begrudge my family their affections for each other. For the first time in my existence, I understood. I didn't need anything else in the world, as long as Bella was by my side. There was no longer a part of me missing, I was now complete. There was no way I would ever let her go again, and I just hoped she felt the same way.

As I finished the song and pulled back, Bella spun around. I had already smelled the salt of her tears, but now I could see her eyes glimmering and full of deep emotions that I knew all too well. "You're all I need." She whispered, before closing the few inches between us and kissing me tentatively. I wrapped my hands into her hair and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss as the cabin and our family melted away. Jasper cleared his throat, causing us to pull apart sheepishly, and Alice elbowed him in the ribs for interrupting us. They both apologized silently, as Carlisle and Esme chuckled.

I gently grasped her elbow and pulled her off of the stool, taking my seat once more, but letting her know I wanted her to stay. This was going to be the last song of the evening since I'd rather sit next to Bella, than to be stuck behind the keyboard.

Here we come a wassailing

Among the leaves so green,

Here we come a wandering

So fair to be seen.

Love and joy come to you,

And to you your wassail too.

And God bless you and send you a happy New Year.

And God send you a happy New Year.

Everyone hugged each other at the close of the song with well wishes, except for an awkward pause when Bella faced Jasper. May I? He asked, glancing out of the corner of his eye at me and I nodded. Alice prodded him forward. Bella smiled warmly at him and waited patiently to see what he would do. He stiffly stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her shoulders lightly, trying not to lean in too closely. Then his body relaxed as he realized he was not tempted by her blood, and he tightened his embrace, giving her a real hug. He pulled back and gave her a sheepish smile, and she reached out to squeeze his hand in reassurance. The tension in the room was erased and Carlisle clapped his hands loudly.

"Ok, time for the Yule log." He announced. Everyone, except Alice, looked at him in confusion. We were familiar with the tradition, but the remains of our log from last year was still packed up in storage. His eyes crinkled slightly at the corners as he smiled widely and explained. "We'll use the stump we removed from this tree this year. Next Christmas, we'll use both the old one and this one to light the new one." Bella's brow was still furrowed in confusion and he turned to her, explaining the history of the Yule log and what it meant to us. Each Christmas, we'd all written down mistakes or misdeeds from the year and burned the paper in the fire of the Yule log, symbolically giving us a clean slate for the new year.

I wished I could remember if my mother and father ever burned a Yule log, but my memories of my human life were too hazy. I did remember the first Yule log we had. It was just the three of us – Carlisle, Esme, and myself – and we were living as a family. My role was Esme's brother at the time, instead of a son. Carlisle was a prominent doctor in Rochester, and society dictated that we receive visitors over the holiday. Making sure that we put on the full show, Esme had researched everything she could, in order to put on the perfect Christmas scene, which included a Yule log. We liked the concept and continued the tradition in the years to come. The purging of bad deeds and mistakes was particularly appealing, as well as the continuity of starting the fire from the remains of the previous year's log. The piece of burnt wood we had stored away could be traced back seventy years.

Carlisle grabbed a stack of paper and some pens, while Jasper and I went outside to retrieve the stump of the tree.

She's doing better already.

I nodded. He stopped and stood in front of me.

"I just wanted to tell you again how sorry I am, Edward. I hope some day you can forgive me. If it weren't for me, none of this would have happened."

I'd heard his apologies many times, but I understood now that he needed my forgiveness in order to forgive himself. Not once had I come right out and blamed him for anything, but he knew what I was feeling and knew that part of me did blame him for attacking my mate. But it was my fault she was ever placed in that position. Human and vampire were not meant to be friends or lovers. What happened was not due to his weakness, it was because of my own weakness. I should have stayed away from her in the first place. Jasper was watching me intently, taking in the many emotions passing through me.

I placed my hand on his shoulder. "Jasper, my brother, I do forgive you. I know I haven't said it before, and I apologize for that. It was not your fault and I shouldn't have allowed myself to place any of the blame on you. I knew what bringing Bella into our world meant. It could have been any of us, well any of us except for Carlisle. I was barely managing my own control. I've not confessed that to anyone until now. The way I reacted was inexcusable and I hurt everyone with my actions, not fully thinking everything through. I see now that running away solved nothing." I looked him steadily in the eye. "I am sorry for not apologizing to you sooner Jasper."

He nodded and embraced me briefly. "Thank you, brother." He murmured.

We returned to the task at hand in silence, carrying the stump inside to the fireplace. The rest of the family was scattered through the cabin with sheets of paper, writing their lists.

"Just leave it on the hearth. There is paper over here for you two." Carlisle looked at me pointedly as he folded up the sheets of paper with his elegant scrawl covering both backs and front. Flashes from the past year flickered through his mind as he thought over what he had written. I tried to focus on Bella in order to give them all their privacy. That was the one thing that made me grateful for her silent mind. If I concentrated on her hard enough, then I could effectively block out everyone else.

Thank you for forgiving your brother, Edward, he needed to hear that. Esme looked up at me, venom shimmering in her eyes with tears that would never fall. In her mind, everything had been so perfect, with her first son finally finding love and Bella really completing the family. Watching everything be torn apart had been difficult for her. While the family was still not whole, the fractures were being mended and she was ecstatic to have Bella with us permanently. Of course the circumstances were less than desirable, but she had faith that in the end the sacrifices made would be well worth it.

Alice finished with her writing, and quickly approached me for a tight embrace. Thank you. You don't know how much that means to us.

Once again the pain I had caused my family was evidenced by their gratitude that I'd forgiven my brother for something that was not his fault. I'd made such a royal mess of things and could only hope I'd be able to make all this up to each one of them at some point. Jasper's hand was already a blur as he began writing out his grievances, and I took a seat across from Bella at the coffee table to begin me. She glanced up at me through her dark lashes, her lips curved into a small smile. "I love you." I mouthed silently to her, as I rested my leg against hers under the table, nudging her gently.

Her smile grew wider. "I love you too." She said, knowing there would be no point in whispering, as everyone would still have heard her. She bit her lip and returned to her list.

A lot had happened in the past year, too many mistakes, so much that a clean slate was impossible. To think that writing everything down and burning it would ease any of my guilt was ridiculous.

My hand flew across the paper, the pen scratching the misdeeds I'd committed into mere words etched on paper. There was no relief in spelling them out. I could have written them in ten different languages, a thousand times each and there would be no relief. The gesture was merely symbolic.

Edward, you have to forgive yourself as well. I felt Jasper's eyes on me as he addressed me. You can't move forward until you reconcile with the past. You cannot do anything to change what has already occurred, and dwelling on it will only make things worse. Please, brother, accept the gift you have been given and spend every day of the rest of eternity cherishing her. No more of this self-loathing.

Yes, yes, logically I know this. It's much harder to actually do. Jasper knew from personal experience that it was difficult to completely let go of the guilt. A hundred and fifty years later and he still harbored guilt for the things he'd been a part of in the south. While he may not let it rule his life, he did still think of it quite frequently. A hundred years from now, I would still remember what I had done to this beautiful woman across from me. Only her happiness would ease the guilt and pain. In a hundred years I hoped she was still happily by my side. I couldn't bear to think of the alternatives.

My head snapped up as Alice's phone vibrated on the table. In a fraction of a second she had flipped it open and handed it to Bella. "It's for you." Rosalie. Let them speak. She is calling to apologize.

I narrowed my eyes and growled softly at Alice for putting Bella blindly into that situation.

Oh knock it off. If I had told her about it she would have refused to talk to her and nothing would have changed. At least Rose is making an effort. It's Christmas and they are still our family. She chastised me.

Bella's momentary shock and confusion had worn off and she was lifting the phone to her ear.

"Hello?" She greeted the caller timidly.

"Bella. It's Rosalie." The whole family now aware of the caller's identity and curious as to Alice's intentions.

"Hi Rosalie." Bella replied, her eyes wildly flicking between me and Alice, silently asking us what she should say.

"Listen, I know you're probably confused as to why I'm calling you. I just needed to say a few things." We heard her sigh through the phone. "I needed to apologize for the way I've treated you, Bella. It was unfair of me to be so rude to you when you've brought my family a lot of happiness, especially my brother."

"I...I..." Bella stuttered, surprised by Rosalie's change of heart.

"You don't have to say anything, Bella. Please, just let me get this out. I am fiercely protective of my family, and I was worried that you would ruin everything. Edward couldn't read your mind and you were a human who figured out what we were. I never approved of him, or Alice, even speaking to you because you were an unknown. I couldn't be certain you could be trusted." Rose paused to take a deep breath. "But I've seen how my brother has changed since he found you...how our whole family has changed for the better...and I can't be bitter about it any longer. It's not fair to anyone for me to continue to harbor this resentment. I know it's probably too late for this, but I do trust you and I know you would never do anything to hurt my family. I'm sorry that you no longer have a choice, and I want you to know that I will try to be there for you in future."

The entire family had huge grins plastered on their faces, and Esme's fist was clenched at her mouth, holding back sobs of relief.

Bella's expression was one of disbelief and I could see the uncertainty in her eyes. "Um..thank you Rosalie. I've always hoped we could put our differences aside and maybe be friends someday."

"I hope so too, Bella. I would have liked to have waited and told you in person, but it's something I felt needed to be said sooner than later. We won't be home until it's time to start building the new home, because there's just not enough room at the cabin. I didn't want you to go on any longer thinking we were avoiding the family because of you. I know how you tend to blame yourself for everything. Emmett and I are going to spend some time traveling, but we'll see you in a couple of months. Again, I apologize for my behavior, Bella, and I hope you have a Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you too. And...thank you. You don't know how much that means to me." Bella spoke softly, her voice full of emotion.

"I think I know you better than you think, Isabella Swan. Take care of my brother, and my family."

"I will." She promised breathlessly.

Alice squealed and grabbed the phone from Bella, her voice buzzing at vampire speed as she exchanged updates and holiday wishes with her sister. The phone was passed around and everyone spoke with Emmett and Rose. I couldn't help but watch as Bella sat back, dazed, as a grin spread across her face. Her shimmered with unshed tears and I could tell how much that phone call had meant to her. Jasper sat back with a satisfied smirk as he took it all in. There was no doubt in anyone's minds that Bella blamed herself for the family splintering. It was no secret that Rose hated the human girl who had infiltrated her family. Whatever our brother had done to help this change of heart along was nothing short of a miracle. Now our family could really start to heal and put the pieces back together. Esme was overjoyed at the turn of events and while she missed the wayward couple, Rose's acceptance of Bella was probably the best Christmas gift any of us could have hoped for.

After everyone else had spoken to them, Carlisle handed Alice's phone to me.

"Merry Christmas Eddie." Emmett's voice boomed over the tiny device.

"Merry Christmas to you too, Em." I allowed the nickname in the spirit of the holiday.

"You better be taking good care of Bella. She never deserved any of this, but at least things are looking up now. We just want you two to be happy."

"Of course, Em." I replied. "It's not the same without you two here."

"Don't I know it. You are all probably bored out of your minds without me around to entertain you." He snickered. "Seriously though, we miss you, and we'll see you in a couple months. We'll have to make up for lost time when I get back, so you better be ready little brother."

"I can't wait little brother." I sneered back at him. He was younger than me both in human and vampire years. There was some rustling on the other end and then Rose came on the line.

"Edward?"

"Merry Christmas Rose."

"Merry Christmas to you too. I know you've heard everything I've already said tonight, but I wanted to apologize to you as well. I know it was especially hard on you to have to put up with my attitude towards Bella, considering you could hear every thought that crossed through my mind. And I know you can't help it. I shouldn't have antagonized you like I did." She paused and when she spoke again her voice was much more subdued. "I just want you to be happy, Edward. She completes you, and now that you've found her again, I hope you never let her go. I am so ashamed of the way I behaved in Alaska. When my family needed me, I abandoned them. I'm sorry for everything I've done, and I hope you can forgive me one day."

"Of course, Rose. I understood your reservations, and I appreciate the effort you are making now to rectify things."

"Well, I have a lot to make up for, but it's a start. I'm such a hypocrite, Edward. I've cursed you for doing the same things I did. I fell in love with a human and I damned him to this life without giving him a choice. As much as I resent being forced into this existence, I'm guilty of the same thing. I wouldn't change it for the world though, because I have Em. At least Bella had a choice and knew what she was getting into. The whole time I was so focused on what she was giving up, that I ignored what she would gain. We have a wonderful family, and if you can pull your head out of your ass, you two are going to be as happy as the rest of us. You both deserve that and I'm sorry for being so selfish as to want to keep you from that. I have a lot more to say, but like I said, it's a start. You take care of that girl, she'd give you the world if she could, and I know you feel the same. Bye, Edward."

"Thanks again, Rose. We'll definitely take some time to talk when you come home. You two take care of each other and have a Merry Christmas...Bye." I flipped the phone shut and the room was filled with joy and contentment.

In the many decades we'd spent with Rosalie, I don't think anyone ever truly expected her to change. We all knew of her fierce loyalty to the family, but she'd never spoken so selflessly before. She had an apology for each of us, and you could see both Esme and Carlisle swell with pride at the change in their daughter's temperament. I couldn't help but be wary of what things would be like when we were all face to face once more, but I hoped this was a glimpse of what was to come.

Carlisle approached the fireplace and moved the Yule log from the hearth to the fire. He watched as the bark began to catch the flames. After spending a few minutes in silent prayer, he tossed his list into the fire and watched it turn to ash. Esme joined him, wrapping her arms around his waist and adding her paper to the fire. Jasper and Alice approached next and after their lists shot up in flames, they turned to each other and shared a silent moment together. Their solidarity was something I admired. Their love was so intense, that it was palpable, and not just because of Jasper's gift.

I stood and held out my hand to Bella, silently asking her if she would join me. Her warm hand slipped into mine and we approached the fire as it began to really roar. We flung our folded up papers into the flames and watched them blacken and turn to ash. I turned to Bella and pulled her to me, desperately needing to feel close to her. Everything I'd done in the past year came flooding back to me and even though I couldn't avoid all the shame and guilt, I was reminded that this beautiful creature in my arms made it all worth it. She was my reason for existing and I vowed to never hurt her again. For as long as she wished it, I would remain by her side, and as long as she was by my side, I could overcome the guilt and love her like she deserved to be loved. After everything we'd been through, we deserved to be happy. I gently pressed my lips to her forehead, my nose buried in her hair as I inhaled her essence.

"I love you Isabella Marie Swan. Forever." I murmured as I tightened my embrace.

"And I love you. Always." Her tiny fingers desperately tried to find purchase in the granite flesh of my back, as if she was afraid I would slip away. Never again, my Bella. My only love.

"I am yours." I whispered, and I felt her body relax into mine, her hot breath on my chest. I pulled her back to the couch and she curled into my side, content for the moment.

We all played a few rounds of cards, and it was getting late. Bella was stifling yawns and her lids were heavy with sleep. She had wanted to stay up until midnight when Carlisle would read from Luke, and Alice would sing Ave Maria, but she didn't look like she would make it.

"Why don't you go lie down, love, and I'll wake you up when Carlisle is ready to start?"

"Come with me?" She asked, her eyes pleading.

"Of course." I'll follow you anywhere.