15. Still Breathing
Backstage was utter and complete chaos. Miki waded past naked girls, half dressed girls, girls in abstract avant garde Lolita outfits and the hair, makeup and technicians following them around. A chair with her name on it in Kanji sat in front of a lighted mirror.
"Miki Saegusa!" The blonde American woman jogged up to her. She was tall and hourglass figured, probably a model herself at one time. "Do you speak English?"
"Yes, I do." Miki answered in English.
The woman looked relieved. "Thank God, my Japanese isn't so great. I'm Clarissa and I'm doing your hair and makeup tonight. Naoto wants you to wear the finisher for his line since it's a petite size, and you're the girl he had in mind. It's pretty heavy duty and getting you ready is going to take a while. You'll be the last one out."
"Oh, what is it?" Miki raised her eyebrows. Her first time on the runway, and she got to wear a finisher?
Clarissa pushed aside the rack, revealing an incredible white wedding dress sitting on a form. Miki walked around it, whistling in appreciation for all the work put into it. The ball gown had a satin corset-style bodice and a halter neckline with a mandarin collar. Hundreds of yards of tulle composed the thick skirt, which was almost as wide as Miki's spread arms. Teardrop shaped Swarovski crystals were woven into each layer of the skirt and Swarovski beads decorated the bodice in spiral patterns like clouds. The accessories laid out included diamond floral sidepieces for her hair, a ten foot long veil, a chunky diamond bracelet and four inch platform heel boots.
"You don't even need a crinoline with it. The skirt creates its own body," Clarissa explained. "This is going to look great on you."
It wasn't a style Miki herself would wear, but there was no denying the beauty. And the designer chose her to wear it!
"He calls this dress Autumn Rain." Clarissa went on. "In America, it would probably cost a million dollars. There's only three in the world."
In the distance, techno music began to play. Girls scrambled for the door where men wearing headsets guided them out. Other women came back and rushed to change.
Amidst the chaos, Miki sat naked except for a towel in the makeup chair. She winced at the scent of spray-on foundation. Clarissa worked on her makeup while another woman styled her hair to give it more body. Miki's phone vibrated on the counter before going to voicemail.
Clarissa had a heavy hand with the black liquid eyeliner, mascara and shiny red lipstick. Very retro pin-up girl style.
"Twenty minutes for Miki!" A male voice yelled.
"Okay, let's get you dressed."
Miki nodded her head. She got up while Clarissa lifted the dress off the form, knelt and held it open for Miki to step in.
"Oh, wow!" A girl ran up to the rack Miki stood next to. "Look! That's Miki! She posed with Godzilla!"
Blinking, Miki blushed at having a crowd appear when she had nothing but a towel on. She covered her breasts with it while stepping into the skirt of the huge ball gown. It wasn't easy to answer all their questions while being told to stand still. Clarissa finally shooed the group away.
"Fifteen minutes for Miki!" yelled the male voice from earlier.
Miki thought the twenty pound ball gown felt like a prison wrapped around her body. All the tulle, satin, beading and teardrop crystals were heavy! The corset laces tightened in quick jerks. Miki flinched when the boning dug into her skin. She braced herself on the counter while Clarissa's assistant helped her into and tied the platform boots. They, too, weighed five pounds each. Hairpins jabbed Miki's scalp as Clarissa pinned the veil into her slicked-down hair.
"Damn...that's incredible. Ruth, look at her..."
"Beautiful. So strong."
"Right." Clarissa took Miki's arm. "Let's get ten quick frames by the curtain. Work it!"
Miki automatically put her hands on her hips, hunched her back and extended her neck. She called this the 'cramps' pose because of how the posture made her look like she was clutching herself in menstrual pain. In the fashion world it was considered very editorial. She maintained virtually the same pose while Clarissa photographed her at different angles.
"Great job!" Clarissa grinned. "Okay, chill for a minute and you'll get called when it's time."
Finally, a break!
Miki grabbed her phone and found one voicemail from Godzilla. Probably a pep talk to calm her nerves and an apology for scaring her. She held the phone to her ear, listening.
"Miki, it's me..." Godzilla's silky voice barely rasped above a whisper. He sounded like he couldn't breathe. "I might...be dead...by the time...you get this. Please listen...I have so...so much...I need to say. First off...you walk that...that runway...and own it. You earned it. You...totally deserve...this dream...that's about to come...true. I'm so...glad I knew you...Miki. You're so...beautiful..."
Tears welled in Miki's eyes. Tilting her head back, she looked up so she wouldn't ruin her makeup. Her stomach dropped through the floor.
"I can't talk...much more...but there's something...something you have...to know. Right now...please don't cry...I know you're about to...but listen-"
"Five minutes!" yelled the technician.
"-Miki Saegusa..."
Clarissa and Ruth's shadows fell across the mirror. Miki stood there, clutching the phone until her knuckles turned white.
"Miki, let's go!" Clarissa waved her out.
"...you incredible...amazing...woman..." Godzilla's voice whispered again in her ear. He coughed, painfully. "Ugh, God, this...is hard...Miki...I-I'm scared, but..."
Miki still had her phone as she started towards the door.
"Come on!" Ruth hedged.
Two women stepped into Ruth's path. Their black hair was pulled back and they wore expensive designer evening gowns-one in a red sequined mermaid silhouette and the other in a satin blue sheath-and they turned to stand on either side of the door leading onto the catwalk. Both gazed curiously at Miki, but Miki hardly noticed them.
"...if I don't...see you again...there's something I...want you to know-"
Outside the doorway, cameras flickered and the outlines of people formed a black haze behind the bright spotlights. Miki stared ahead with Godzilla's voice still rumbling in her ear. Her dream, her dream from since she was little, was right there...
"-I love you, Miki. With...all that I am...I love you...and I...always...will. Bye."
...but what kind of dream would it be if she couldn't share it?
Godzilla understood her dreams, and wanted them just as much as she did. He understood her desire to succeed. He understood her, and the only thing holding her back was the same stupid question that always made her hesitate to admit how she truly felt:
What might the world think?
Miki rubbed her belly where the baby would someday grow. A child conceived in love. He loved her. Nothing in life held more importance than that one simple truth.
Godzilla was in his home, alone, afraid and dying, and she wasn't with him because she thought she could put it all off a little bit longer.
Well, no more, dammit! Miki thought. Screw what the world thinks! He needs me now!
She turned on her heels, lifted the front of the heavy skirt so she wouldn't trip and bolted out of the backstage dressing room, barely hindered by the heavy dress or the high heels on her feet. Somebody could put a mountain on her back and she'd still find it in herself to run towards the one who needed her most.
A door caught the veil. Miki yanked it off her head with a jerk of her hand. Hairpins sparkled in the overhead lights before bouncing onto the ground. She let everything fall without looking back.
Outside, people turned to stare at the woman in white who bounded down the steps in a spray of delicate tulle and climbed into a dumpy old pickup truck.
Miki's skirt filled up most of the front seat. She fought, rearranged and huffed until she'd somewhat contained it under the seat belt. Swarovski crystals dug into her thighs. She wasn't even sure how she operated the pedals with those thick boots on her feet. Obeying traffic laws through the thirty minute drive to her father's dock tried her last ounces of patience. At the last red light, she yelled a curse that made the elderly couple in the next lane gasp. Miki ignored them. She peeled around the corner onto the docks, parked illegally next to the water and bunched up the skirt again to climb onto the newest, fastest fishing boat. She didn't know all the details about it yet, just that it was built to go fast over long distances.
Hideo left the keys hidden under the front seat. Miki silently thanked him for being a little neglectful in that regard as she started the engine. Pearlescent moonlight veiled her as she steered the boat towards open water.
.o
Rain pelted the sand outside. Godzilla could hear it over the commotion on TV about a runaway model. He drifted between awareness and dreams, and shivered with fever. His head hurt so bad he could barely open his eyes. Everything sounded too loud or too soft. He had no sense of time. As the night wore on and the rain fell heavier, he started to feel a warm euphoria. Like he did when Miki gave herself to him without caring about his appearance...and how good she felt, smelled, tasted, sounded and looked...
Lightning lit the beach. High wind blew cold rain onto Godzilla's legs and rustled the sakura trees in his front garden. Thunder bounced off the sea in rippling booms. Godzilla swore he heard a motor somewhere inside the music of the clouds.
A shadow blocked the door, outlined by lightning. He could see the silhouette on the backs of his eyelids.
Godzilla opened his eyes.
There stood Miki, bedraggled, wearing a million dollar wedding gown with mud stains all around the hem. Her dark hair was plastered to her cheeks. Black eyeliner had oozed halfway down her face like ebony tears. Her wet skin glistened in the shifting light of the TV set.
Even as a wreck, she was stunningly beautiful.
Her chest heaved until she caught her breath. She called his name, and his heart soared.
.o
"Godzilla?" Miki breathed. She knew she looked ghastly like something out of Hell, but Godzilla had it far worse off than she did. He lay in a heap on his side, a puppet tossed carelessly aside. From the doorway she could make out the pallor of his normally charcoal gray hide and the waxy white hue of his tongue. His mouth was parched and his snout smeared with dried blood. He still clutched the phone in his left hand.
"Godzilla," Miki's vision blurred behind a sheen of tears. She dropped to her knees beside him, picked up his head and laid it in her lap, her other hand stroking his cheek. Blood and sand stained the fabric of her dress, but she didn't care. Being with him, holding him, meant more than all the money in the universe.
Godzilla gazed up at her in the darkness. His eyes were glassy, almost silver with the TV light flickering across them. He took slow, shallow breaths. His chest made horrible rattling noises and the muscles in his throat strained during each inhalation.
Miki knew that sound. Her mother did the same thing right before she died.
"I'm here." She whispered. "I got your message...and I came here for you."
His eyes blinked slowly, as if it hurt to keep them open.
Miki took Godzilla's hand. It felt so cold that she broke into tears against his fingers.
"I've been such an idiot..." Miki sobbed. "I-I'm so sorry. I worried so much about what other people might think of us. It shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. You said it yourself in your own song-'everybody wants to be understood...well, I can hear you...'"
Godzilla brushed his knuckles against her jaw. Tears brimmed in his eyes. "It's...okay...Miki...shhh, don't...don't cry...you're ruining...your makeup."
That made her giggle for a second. She felt him cup her face and rub his thumb back and forth across her cheekbone. Its rough texture didn't repulse her in the least.
"Miki..." He rasped.
Miki moved his hand to her lower abdomen and held it there. Her bottom lip shuddered.
"You can't feel it yet, but there's a baby in there." Heartache constricted her throat, making her choke on her voice. "That's your baby. Your baby, Godzilla. I don't care what he or she will look like...I don't even care what people will say when I tell them you're the father. I'm going to have this baby because it's a part of you, and I love you." She swallowed hard and looked straight into his eyes. "I love you, Godzilla. Do you hear me? I love you."
Somehow, he found the strength to smile up at her. If anything scared him before, it was gone now. He stroked Miki's belly without breaking eye contact. Suddenly, his eyelids fluttered and the stridor in his chest grew louder. He had seconds, maybe less. Miki leaned over and touched her lips to the end of his snout. She didn't care that he lacked human lips or that his mouth was full of jagged teeth.
Godzilla closed his mouth, trying to return her kiss. Drawing back, Miki watched the life literally drain out of his eyes. His eyelids fell half-shut, letting the tears trapped underneath escape along the sides of his head. The muscles in his throat stopped straining. His efforts to breathe grew smaller and smaller until they ceased altogether. She cradled his head against her chest, slowly petting his cheek as he died. All of the tension and pain left his body. He became absolutely still-a discarded Halloween costume surrounded by tulle.
Miki kissed his forehead. Her hand found his and she interlocked their fingers.
"That's it...just go to sleep," she whispered in his little pointed ear, and slowly rocked him back and forth. Her hand continued to stroke his cheek. "I love you so much."
He left this life knowing she loved him and his child grew in her belly. That gave her comfort. She laid him down, taking great care when she slipped her skirt out from underneath his heavy body. The dress was very well-made; the tulle didn't rip and not a single Swarovski crystal popped off.
Rain continued its relentless attack outside. Everything seemed to weep, even the clouds. The ocean writhed in throes of agony. Thunder beat like cosmic timpani further off. Tree branches bowed mournfully. Lightning illuminated something colorful on the shoreline, but in the next flash it was gone.
Miki pushed the front door shut using her hip. It tried to blow open twice, until, frustrated, she threw her weight against it and turned the deadbolt key. Then she tip toed upstairs and returned carrying Godzilla's black bedsheet, which she used to cover all but his head. She wet a paper towel and washed the blood and sand off his face. His eyelids fell open each time she tried to shut them, so she gave up. She managed to close his mouth by resting his folded hands under his cheek. He looked more comfortable that way.
Miki took in the scene one last time before she drew the sheet over Godzilla's head. Her hands kept shaking.
In the morning, she decided, she'd call her father to help her take care of Godzilla's remains. She didn't like leaving him there on the floor, but he was too heavy to move without help. At least the sheet gave him some dignity.
Miki retreated into the downstairs bathroom. The wonderful Swarovski crystal-encrusted skirt of her million dollar gown was dirty along the hemline. All the tulle took up most of the doorway. She washed the black streaks off her face. The eye makeup that hadn't run stayed put-she'd need special eye-makeup remover to get it completely off-but she did away with most of the foundation, the lipstick and the blush.
She gazed at the cracked medicine cabinet mirror. Her reflection stared back, its edges slightly offset by the fractures on the mirror's surface. Miki Saegusa, the model who found it in herself to love someone hated by everybody else.
How would she even explain this to people?
Miki's bladder complained, and she silently thanked the older models who taught her how to use the bathroom while wearing a huge, full skirt. Grabbing the front of the skirt, she bunched it to the side, took her underwear completely off and straddled the toilet backwards. While doing her business, she managed to untie the corset laces, loosening the bodice enough to bend over, but it still wasn't loose enough to pull down over her hips after she finished. The buttons on the back were so numerous and tiny that she couldn't reach to undo them, and she didn't dare risk ripping the fabric. Dirt would come off, rips wouldn't. She choked back frustrated tears as she pulled the leftover pins and scintillating side-sprays out of her hair. Then she bent down to remove the boots and hurled them at the wall, where they bounced off and landed in opposite corners.
It's not fair! He's so wonderful and he's gone!
Miki stormed out of the bathroom, flopped down on the couch and sighed. Her elbow bumped the remote. The TV turned onto a nonexistent static channel. In the flickering light Miki noticed a CD labeled February Song sitting in the open stereo CD tray. She pushed it in and the stereo began to play automatically.
The storm raged outside as Godzilla's voice wafted through the surround sound speakers. Miki handled it until the chorus came up, and then the tears she held back exploded to the surface.
"...and I never want to let you down.
Forgive me if I slip away...
When all that I've known is lost and found-
I promise you, I, I'll come back to you one day..."
Miki curled up on the couch and cried until a rustle startled her. She jolted into a sitting position to see an old woman in rags kneeling next to Godzilla's lifeless body. The woman looked up with a pair of brilliant, beautiful blue eyes.
"Sleep, darling..." She said.
"Who are you?" Miki asked.
A new voice spoke, "Don't worry."
"Everything will be all right," said another, softer female voice.
Miki looked over at the coffee table. Standing there in elaborate old-fashioned dresses, one in red, the other in blue, were two tiny women. They weren't even a foot tall and looked like fairies without wings. Their faces were vaguely familiar...where did she see them before?
"Who...who are you?"
The fairies smiled at each other. Then the woman in the blue dress stretched out her hand. Miki felt suddenly tired-so tired she couldn't keep her eyes open. She looked behind her again at the old woman bent over Godzilla. Maybe it was her imagination, but she swore she saw glowing gold powder fall from the woman's scraggly white hair to cover Godzilla in a shimmering cocoon of light.
Godzilla's voice continued to croon from the speakers.
"Morning is waking up.
And sometimes it's more than just enough
when all that you need to love
is in front of your eyes.
It's in front of your eyes..."
Miki felt herself falling back again onto the couch cushions. The lovely fairy in red hopped onto the arm of the couch. Elaborate gold-trimmed blue ribbons were braided into her hair.
"Everything will be clear in the morning." She laid her hand on Miki's forehead. "Good night, Miki."
And Miki slept more soundly than she ever did in her life.