(A/N) I had fun writing this chapter. Why? Because I enjoy pain and suffering.

Thanks to my fabulous reviewers orangeeclipse, LLives, and ShadowedSerenity! *hands out cookies*

Italics=flashback. Very important to keep that in mind in this chapter!

I do not own L or Death Note. I do not have a little brother, either. TT-TT

Everyone seemed to be faring well, and I started to dare to hope that my day would start to look up.

Of course it didn't. Hope was an irrational thing that never worked out.

Matsuda was adjusting quite well, getting along great with all the children. It was to be expected, as he was little more than a child himself. Soichiro and Aizawa, the fathers, were also getting along splendidly. Light-kun had holed himself up in his room and refused to come out; the children had made a game of seeing who could get him to come out and yell at them, which was quite amusing. Mogi was… awkward, but alright. I hadn't seen Ide… but Watari had said that he would give him a tour, so I suspected that that was where he was. I was just grateful that Misa hadn't tagged along.

By the time night fell, I was just trying to stay away from star struck children, and navigate to the kitchen without being mobbed. At last I succeeded, and hoped that I could at least enjoy a slice of cake without something going horribly wrong.

Karma.

You don't want bad karma.

Whatever you do, avoid it.

I don't even know what I did.

A boom of thunder made me jump, nearly toppling off my perch on the counter. Rain began to beat on the windows in a sudden downpour, and I felt terror grip me. I felt my body start to tremble.

I heard the shriek of the panicked animal all over again.

"Hey Lawli, you look like you've seen a ghost."

My head shot up, and I darn near choked on my cake.

Beyond stood in front of me, grinning wickedly.

I felt like I was looking in a mirror. He dressed like me, acted like me, held his body in the exact same way, not a hair straying from the exact position its twin on my head was in. He swaggered up to me; I was still unable to move. I tried to recover a calm expression, anything but the terrified one I knew I was wearing.

B chuckled. "Cat got your tongue? That's okay. I came here to talk, after all, not to listen."

B smiled cruelly, and I felt my core turn to ice. "It was on a night just like this, wasn't it, Lawli?" Beyond asked lightly. "This is just like that night, so many years ago." His eyes flashed. "I was only five, but I remember it well. Everyone remembers it. Everyone knows of your shame."

The thunder crashed, the darkness a physical presence. I stood calmly, staring up at the sky. Storm clouds blotted out the moon and stars, leaving us in pitch black. Well, it would have been pitch black, except for the raging fire consuming the orphanage. The sounds of children and terrified animals were all around me. The crackling fire was raging, and we had to get away. The storm was about to break.

"Watari shouldn't have trusted you," Beyond purred. "We all know that he should never have trusted you."

"L, you're only 10! How can you do this?"

"Please, Watari, I am more than proficient in horse-back riding, you know that. It is a simple skill that I have long mastered."

"Horses aren't predictable like machines, or even people," Watari warned. "They are animals."

"Watari, do we have a choice?" I asked, my voice squeaking with adolescence. "We need to get the children away, and this is the fastest way. There are simply not enough adults."

Watari sighed, seeing my logic. I clambered up onto the palomino stallion, and took the reins with practiced ease. Watari, still looking unsure, handing me two small children, a male that I knew very well and a female that I didn't know, who I settled securely in front of me, the boy in front, clinging to the stallion's neck, and the female against my stomach. I wasn't much bigger than they were, small for my age. I could barely move the reins freely. Still, I was confidant.

"Lawli, you're the best!" the little boy chirped. "We're gonna be fine!"

"You think so?" asked the little girl.

"Uh huh," the boy nodded vigorously. "Nothing can beat Lawli, rain or fire or anything!"

"Take them to my friend's ranch, three miles down the river," Watari instructed. "That's where everyone is going."

"I understand."

"What the hell were you thinking?" B sneered at me. My eyes were stretched wide with the trauma of the memory. "How could you have that pompous confidence? The pompous confidence, the blind pride, that cost so much?"

The horse's hooves pounded on the turf, sending dirt and grass flying. The children in front of me whimpered with terror, and my muscles were tight with concentration. The wind whipped my face, and I grimaced. The forest path was the safest rout. I turned the stallion, but came up short. The forest was blazing, like an inferno of hell, like Dante had written so long ago.

I spun the palomino, feeling the children jostle. I ran the horse as fast as I could, but the fire was here, too. I couldn't outrun it. It was everywhere, around me, around the horse and children. I urged the tiring animal into a hard gallop; it might have killed a lesser animal. I cracked the reins, determined not to lose this race.

The heavens opened up with a tremendous BOOM and the rain began to come. It beat down on us, and I bent over to protect the little ones as best as I could. The splinters of water sliced my back, soaking my hair, blinding me, and making the ground slippery. I wheeled the horse around, looking for a clear path through the driving rain.

There! There was a log that wasn't on fire. I knew that I had to try; even though the rain was quickly extinguishing the fire, it wasn't fast enough. The fire would reach us before it was out. I urged the palomino stallion into one last rally, and drove it towards the log. I braced myself, holding the children as tightly as I could manage, with a body as small as theirs.

The horse leaped.

My eyes narrowed in concentration; landing would be next to impossible, with the slick ground. The horse's hooves hit the turf, spraying mud. We slid, slid, skidded… and stopped.

The stallion was shuttering under me, but I knew it wasn't over. We had to reach that ranch! I spun the horse.

A huge fork of lightning crashed down, and splintered against the ground just feet in front of the horse. The brilliant flash blinded me, sparks flying and singing my face. The noise was deafening, literally, blocking out every other sound.

The beautiful palomino stallion panicked. It couldn't be helped.

I lost control of the horse.

All three of us were thrown. The children screamed. I grabbed for them…

And only got one.

I couldn't grasp both of them. My body was simply too small, the throw simply too quick.

I felt my body flying through the air, and I clutched the little girl to my chest.

But I heard…

Oh I heard…

The boy's scream. I heard the boy's sobbing scream as I clutched the girl.

And then…

There was a sudden cry of pain, and the boy fell silent.

I felt my body hit the ground. I felt rocks shred my shoulders, my body torn to tatters. I felt my flesh mince, and hot blood soak my clothes. I let out a gasping cry; the ground was littered with sharp stones. Fire poured over my body, worse than the flames of the burning orphanage. I heard a hoof pound an inch from my head and then the galloping recede.

I looked up, holding the un-injured girl tightly. I saw a shape through the pounding rain and my own pain-blurred eyes. I crawled, holding the child to my chest. I fought the dizziness that threatened me.

I reached him.

He lay on the ground, blood all around him. His eyes were open, locked forever in the terror and agony of his final moments.

I went into shock.

"No… No!" I tore at the grass around him, my hands coloring with blood not washed away by the rain. I dragged at his body, trying to wake him, trying to get him to respond.

He obviously didn't.

His life, the life entrusted to me, had departed.

I dragged his body closer, and put it on my back. Burdened with two children now, a weight greater than my own body weight, I pulled my battered body forward.

I did not get up. My leg was broken.

I crawled, my hands and knees soon nothing more than tattered flesh on the rocks. I dragged my broken leg behind me, the rain driving me to the ground. I crawled, fighting unconsciousness, fighting the fact that I was losing more blood by the moment, the fact that I was as good as dead. I also fought the fact that one of the children I was carrying was dead. There was no point in carrying him. I just couldn't bring myself to leave him.

Because that would be admitting that he couldn't be saved.

I don't know how long I crawled like that, fighting, battling the truths. Watari later told me that I made it, somehow, more than a mile. I kept going for over 2 hours.

Of course, I was near-dead when I finally reached the ranch. I didn't even realize that I had reached the ranch. My vision was all but gone, and my body was long-numb; I didn't even feel it moving. I was barely aware of the two children I was carrying, of their weight. I felt as if my broken leg no longer existed, it had been so long since I had felt the appendage.

I crawled onto the ranches premises, but didn't stop. I wasn't even aware that I was now on a smooth dirt path, turned to mud by the relentless rain. A shape came toward me; I couldn't make out what it was or even fathom what it might be. It scared me. I cried out and shrunk from it, shielding the precious bodies. Something grabbed me, and I whimpered and writhed feebly.

"L! Lawliet, it's me!"

I finally recognized Watari's voice, his hands. I forced my eyes to focus, but they wouldn't clear. Everything was fuzzy and red. I could hardly see his face.

"T-t-t-the… chi… children…" I whispered shakily.

"It's alright, Lawliet. It's okay now, you're safe."

"Wh…at… a-about… them…?"

"You're safe, Lawliet, please, stop talking. Rest, please."

I forced my voice to work, forced myself to stay awake through the fog. "I'm safe, but… what… about the children…?" I asked.

Watari put a hand to my mouth. "There will be time to talk later. Now rest."

He wouldn't answer me.

That was when I finally admitted it to myself:

I had killed an innocent boy.

With my inability to control that horse, or even protect him, I had killed him.

I had killed my little brother.

When the hellish memory finally released me, I was sobbing. Beyond was still beside me, his cruel laugh piercing my consciousness.

"How about that?" he said. "The person most dear to you, your only blood relation, and you killed him! How about that?"

How did I get so much bad karma?

Oh, that's right.

I killed my little brother.

(A/N) Why do I have so much fun torturing my characters? Well, after that, I would be traumatized, too. Anyway, I hope you liked it! Reviews are very much appreciated! Reviewers get… cake with L!