(A/N) Yay! Another flashback! I do love L so very much, but torturing him is very fun. I'm really happy with this chapter, so I hope you like it!

Thank you to my fantastic reviewers, Miss Liar, ShadowedSerenity, and LLives!

As for your cake with L… hold on a minute.

Me: *calls* Get out here!

L: Why do I have to do this?

Me: Because I said you would!

L: And what gives you the right?

Me: Come on! You eat cake anyway, what difference will a few friends make?

L: Friends…? You mean fangirls who will jump on me the first chance they get.

Me: I'm a fangirl, and I don't jump on you.

L: You want to. I can see it in your eyes.

Me: Pwease? *doe eyes*

L: No.

Me: Would you make a liar out of me?

L: Yes.

Me: *sigh* You know, I could leak those photos I have of you.

L: …

Me: They'll be all over the internet in two hours, tops.

L: …

Me: Seriously! My hand is on the scan button!

L: … Fine!

Me: Thank you sooo much!

Alight, enjoy your cake with him, guys! *hands L over*

On with the story!

I do not own L, though I can manipulate him with these… *waves pictures with evil grin*

I spent a month and a half in the hospital after that.

It turned out that I had broken my femur in three places, and fractured one of my shoulder blades.

But I was alive.

And he wasn't.

For a week, I didn't speak. I couldn't speak. I knew, now, that I had killed him, and I was unable to hear the sound of my own voice. I refused any food that was brought, though Watari practically begged me to eat.

I couldn't eat.

If I ate, or spoke, that would be admitting that I was alive, and hadn't died with him.

Oh, I wished with my whole heart that I had died with him.

I could feel my strength slowly ebbing. I was getting weaker and weaker still, until I could barely lift my head. A combination of blood loss and injury and lack of food were killing me.

And I wanted to die.

The one thing I did allow myself to do was to cry. I cried long and hard, almost every time I was awake. But I never made a sound. I couldn't see anything but his face as we played, as we ran. He had even been cheerful as we studied. He had never frowned, only smiled. I saw his sparkling green eyes every time I was awake, every time I was asleep.

There was no escape.

I had to be with him again.

And I could only do that if I died.

"M-my thoughts were… blurred…" I stammered, Beyond snickering beside me.

"Remembering your time in the hospital, hm?" he asked. "You were like me, then. Suicidal. The world didn't make sense, did it?"

"The world never made sense," I said firmly, but my voice still trembled, "and it still doesn't."

"The grief was too much for you. The guilt was too much for you."

"No one could have withstood that."

Beyond laughed. "I know I couldn't have. I would have killed myself much quicker."

I took a deep breath, trying to steady my body. "But I deserved to suffer. I still deserve to suffer."

"Please, L, please!" Watari begged, but I kept my mouth clamped shut. "Please, Lawliet! Listen to me! Do you hear my words? Can you understand me?"

I offered no response. I could feel my body beginning to shut down, all non-essential systems ceasing to operate. My body was trying to keep itself alive for as long as possible, but I knew it would fail. Silent tears streamed down my face, sapping my strength all the quicker.

"Lawliet, please! You can't blame yourself! You can't!"

But I killed him.

"Lawliet, where is your logic? Are you not thinking properly? Where is the fighting spirit you were always so proud of?"

My spirit is gone. It died with him.

"Lawliet!" Watari half-sobbed. "Please talk to me! Eat something! You'll die at this rate!"

Exactly. Do you not see that that is what I want, Watari?

I smelt cake, but it held no interest for me. I had resolved to do this, and I was going to. I was going to be with him again.

"Lawliet, what would your brother think?"

He would commend my determination, and accept my love for him.

"Do you think he would be happy that you're doing this?"

Yes.

"Do you think he would want you to lose your life, too?"

Lose my life…

For a moment, I doubted my plan. Was I losing my life? No, I was giving it up to be with him.

"Life is precious, Lawliet, I thought you understood that!"

Not the life of a murderer. And I am such a murderer.

"Lawliet! Do you think that he would want you to die? He valued life as much as you did!"

'Even the life of the ants, Lawliet,' he had once told me. He had stopped me from crushing one of them. 'All life is sacred, don't you think?'

I had smiled and answered, 'Yes, you are right.'

'What about criminals' lives?' he had asked me. 'What do you think about them?'

'Everyone deserves a lifetime, little one. That is what I believe.'

'Really? Me too. I believe that even the worst people should have a chance to apologize. Maybe they'll even get into heaven!'

Apologize… make up for what I have done… get into heaven…

I pondered this as I lay, killing myself, always crying, in that hospital bed.

My silent tears turned into sobs.

"I… I… I'll… I'll live… for him…" I choked out.

Watari looked like he was about to cry, too. He handed me a slice of strawberry cake, and I liked the gooey batter off my small thin fingers.

"I have kept myself alive, to this day, to make amends," I confessed to Beyond. "If it wasn't for that, I would have ended my life long ago. That is all there is in my existence."

"What a noble cause!" Beyond yelped in a mocking tone.

"Yes," I answered quietly, "it is a noble cause for a tainted murderer."

I walked glumly back to my room, ignoring the shrieks of children as I wandered the halls. The sky outside was pitch black, and I was glad I was inside. I passed a large window; the wind and rain was whipping the tree against the glass in a rhythmic sloshing pattern. I grimaced at the obvious strength in the gusts.

I heard shouting from down the hall, but it didn't sound like children's voices. As I walked closer, I picked out Watari and Light-kun's voices among them. I picked up the pace to a trot, shoving all thoughts of my past forcibly out of my mind.

"What is wrong?" I demanded. Watari looked very worried, as did the other members of the taskforce, who were all gathered. No, not all of them were gathered, I corrected myself. Matsuda was missing. "Has something happened to Matsuda-san?"

Watari nodded gravely. "He and a couple of the children went into the forest, and they haven't come back. He's been sending distress signals from his belt, but isn't answering his cell phone. The signal seems to be coming from the Old Oak."

The Old Oak… I remembered that tree… it was… next to the river!

"The river…!" I gasped.

"Yes," Watari nodded, "flooding is a very real concern. The problem is we have no way of getting there. We can't take a car, and there's no one who's skilled enough on horseback…"

I was sure Watari kept talking, but I didn't hear it.

'Gosh, Lawli!' cried Beyond. 'You've got to be the best horseback-rider in the world!'

'No, Beyond,' I had said. 'I'm just a good rider, that's all. There's nothing special about it.'

"… should flood in less than 15 minutes, if the rain doesn't stop." Watari was saying.

I was numb. 15 minutes. Matsuda and the two children would be washed away in 15 minutes, at most. I started to run.

"L!" Watari yelled after me, but I didn't pause or turn. I skidded down the hallway, and tore around the corner, wrenching the door open.

The rain hit me like a wave. I was almost battered back inside, sheets of rain hitting me with unbelievable force. I struggled forward, slamming the door behind me to block out the cries of Watari. I was soaked within a few seconds. I walked, slowly, my feet sinking into two inches of mud, to the building next to the orphanage. It was wooden, and shook under the force of the rain.

I tore open the door.

It was pitch black inside, and the first thing that hit me was the smell. The scent of animals. The second thing was the sound. The sound of snuffling and scuffing hooves.

A flash of lightning provided momentary light, illuminating the stalls with horses lined along the walls. I took a deep breath and stepped forward.

This is the only way… I told myself over and over again. The only way, the only way…

Slowly, my limbs trembling slightly, I strode forward, and selected a horse.

(A/N) Cliffy! xD I do love them… The next chapter should be up soon, but I have a few final touches I have to put on it. Reviewers get… to see these pictures! *gun clicks in background* On second thought… if you want me to live to write the final chapter, better not. xD So reviewers get Panda March cookies! They don't fight back when you bite their heads off!