Not So Hidden Weakness: Raphael
April was awakened by sharp, insistent knocking. A glance at the clock revealed that it was either really early or really late. She groaned and pulled on a robe as she moved clumsily towards the door. "This better be important!" she shouted grumpily. The knocking became louder and her unexpected visitor began to shout out her name.
She wrenched the door open after unlocking the deadbolt and chain. "Come in, quickly. You probably woke up the whole damn building, if not the dead," she scolded, moving aside to let the hunched figure enter. She yawned and smiled tiredly. "Raphael," she greeted as he removed his trenchcoat and fedora. She brought her hand up and smacked him in the back of his head. "What were you thinking?"
"Ow! What the hell was that for?" he demanded as he rubbed his head.
"For being so loud. Especially at three in the morning." She yawned again and shook her head. "Go to bed. We'll talk when the sun is actually up." April headed for her room. "Take the loft, the bed is made."
"April?" Raphael called after her. She turned slightly, an indication that she was listening. "Thanks."
"Good night, Raph."
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She was sitting at the kitchen table, reading her horoscope when he finally trudged down the stairs at a quarter past two. He rubbed his eyes blearily and grunted a "good morning" in her general direction.
"Coffee?" she offered as she lifted up a French press. He nodded and sat before her as she poured him a cup. She tapped his bowed head with her knuckles lightly. "Wake up, sleepyhead." He shrugged in response as he downed some of the black coffee.
"Sorry for just showing up last night, but I didn't know where else to go," he said in lieu of an apology. She waved her hand in dismissal.
"No harm done, except for irate neighbors, but I don't like them anyway. You weren't seen, were you? And don't pull the whole 'of course not, I'm a ninja' thing."
"No, April, I wasn't seen. Besides, who would believe in a giant turtle?" he snapped.
"Meh. Sarcasm: one more service you offer," she muttered, thinking back to the T-shirt she had seen that read that almost exact same slogan. "And should think about discontinuing," she added under her breath. Now was not the time to be petty though. Obviously Raphael was upset, and she needed to find out what was going on before he did something stupid. "How are things going?" she asked cautiously.
"I dunno, April." Raphael ground his teeth together, unsure of whether or not he should confide in her. Her hand on his arm both comforted and assured him that it was okay to trust, at least for now. "With Splinter gone, I feel like I'm going to go insane. He would help me try to keep my anger in check, keep me calm. Now I have to try to do it on my own, which I'm obviously not good at, and it's not working. I keep getting so pissed off and lashing out at everyone for the dumbest reasons. The guys hate me now."
April tilted her head to one side and stood. "I'm not sure if I follow. Half-and-half?"
"Sure."
She retrieved it and placed it before him. "Care to explain?" she questioned as she positioned herself behind him. He groaned as she began to massage his shoulders.
"It's so stupid. I was annoyed and needed to vent, so Donnie and Mikey decided to gang up on me so I could let off a little steam. Mikey started to get the upper hand and Leonardo comes strolling in and giving his own personal review."
The night before:
"Good job, Michaelangelo. But you could have knocked him down when he did that," Leonardo pointed out. "Donnie, your leg should be angled maybe ten degrees higher for that kick." He paused in his commentary. Donatello and Michaelangelo were watching their angry brother warily, who looked like he wanted to pummel Leonardo six feet into the ground.
"And what about me, Leo? What should I improve on, eh?" Raphael demanded, stalking closer.
"Your anger, for one. You're all over the place, Raph. You won't beat them if you can't focus."
"Leo, the point wasn't actually to train," Donatello spoke up.
"Yeah. Raph just needed to blow off some steam and, like, I don't think it's a good idea to critique us if we aren't being serious. It's a bummer, dude. Takes all the fun out of it," Michaelangelo added.
Leonardo sighed. "But when we're goofing off is the best time to be judged."
"Look, nobody asked you for your opinion, okay? So just shut your noise hole and back off!" Raphael shouted, pushing his brother. Michaelangelo stepped between the two of them.
"Dudes, dudes! Chill out! It's nothing a good slice of pizza can't fix!" The brothers ignored his attempts at settling the peace, drawing their weapons. They lunged at one another, Michaelangelo stuck between them. He ducked, waiting for the inevitable impact, but it never came. Donatello had intervened, blocking both sai and katana with is bo staff.
"Get a grip, guys. Now is not the best time for a turtle tantrum. If you're going to act like immature little kids, make sure no one else is liable to get hurt." He helped the orange ninja up from his crouched position. "C'mon, It Came From The Sewer is gonna start soon. You okay, Mikey?"
"Yeah. Let's beat it." They exited the room, leaving Raphael and Leonardo alone.
"Damn! You did it again!" Raphael yelled. "You made me look like the psycho idiot!"
"I did no such thing! You did that on your own. We're all getting sick of your stupid temper, Raphael."
"Well, then I'll just take my temper and get the hell out of here!" He grabbed his coat and hat and left the training room.
"Where ya goin' Raph? It's two in the AM!" Donatello called.
"Bite me!" was the angry reply.
April shook her head. "Well, you were right. It is stupid. But you know Leo didn't mean to upset you, right?" She received only stony silence. "Believe it or not, I think it's just as hard on them as it is on you without Splinter around. It's a difficult time for all of you. And they don't hate you."
"You're right, I know. But we've always been a team, y'know? Now we're barely speaking. Things are getting a little better since Mikey went who knows where and Leo did that retreat thing, but they still grate on my nerves. Leo doesn't pick on Mikey as much, but he's still annoying. And Mikey is…Mikey. Donnie tries to keep things settled, or at least he used to, but I think he gave up. He's always in that stupid lab now." Raphael allowed his head to fall forward and April used her skilled hands on his neck. "It's just…it sucks! That feels good though."
April laughed. "It's supposed to. Let's take a walk around Central Park or something. I need to get out of this apartment." She left to find clothes and returned wearing jeans and a long-sleeved button-down men's shirt. She watched as Raphael donned his trench and hat and smiled. "I don't think I'll ever get tired of the Humphrey Bogart look."
"Good to know," he immediately replied. She smacked his arm lightly and led the way. Looking outside, Raphael pulled on her hand, stopping her in mid-step. "Wait, I can't go out in broad daylight."
April sighed. "So we should wait until the cover of darkness?"
"Preferably." She let him back into the apartment.
"Well, you stay here then. I need to go grocery shopping."
Raphael paced around the living room before settling in front of the television. "Women," he muttered, watching cartoons.
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April returned twenty minutes before sunset, arms full of bags. "Hey, could you shut the door for me?" she asked.
The red ninja jumped up and did a double take at all the packages she somehow was able to juggle in her arms. "How'd you get it open in the first place? Telekinesis?" He took two bags from her as he shut the door.
"Hardy-har-har, Raph."
"I thought you said you were just going grocery shopping."
"I got sidetracked…but you have to forgive me 'cause some of this stuff is for you." She set everything on the table and began to rummage through the different bags. "Let's see…Mikey, Leo, Donnie…oh, here we go." She handed a large bag and a square box to him. He held it, staring at her uncertainly. She began to put the few grocery items she had actually bought away. "Well, don't just stand there. Go ahead and open them. They're not going to bite you."
"I know that. Damn." He opened the square box to reveal a spiffy red fedora, Indiana Jones style. He tried it on, happier than he showed that it fit beautifully. The bag contained a second, thinner and more rectangular box. It held a black leather trenchcoat. He pulled it out carefully, shaking it from its folds. Three-quarter length with two side pockets, and more than enough hidden pockets on the inside, he discovered after a quick investigation. He pulled the jacket over his shell, flexing and stretching his arms to see how it moved with his body. Another perfect fit. "April…" He trailed off, unsure of what to say.
She turned around and grinned, clasping her hands behind her back. "Raph, you look great!" If turtles could blush he would have been an entirely different shade of green. "You about ready for that walk now? I think it's dark enough out."
"Yeah. I gotta take this stuff out for a field test," he replied, pulling the hat down so that it hid his eyes.
"Are they comfortable?" she asked, a trace of doubt still lingering over whether he actually liked his gifts or not.
"Definitely. Now let's go already." He pulled her along and they rode the elevator down to the ground floor.
Central park, when they arrived, seemed eerily sparse of people, not that either particularly minded. "So," April began, "how are they working out?" He smirked and held her hand in his.
"They're great. Seriously." They walked through the grass that was dimly lit by gas lamps. "Man, the others would be making so much fun of me right now." April raised an eyebrow, confused. He held their hands up. "This, I mean. I'm not exactly Mr. Touchy-feely nice guy, ya know."
April nodded. "True. But everyone is entitled to be mushy once in a while." She jabbed her friend with an elbow. "You miss them. Even though they're irritating you."
"Yeah. I just don't get them."
"What you need to learn is that none of you handle things the same way." She grasped his hand tighter. "Leo tries to better himself so that he can be there for everyone. He sees himself as the foundation. I think you guys are the most important things in his life, and it would kill him if anything were to happen.
"Donnie buries himself in his work, trying to invent things to make life easier for you guys. Logic is his strong suit. And while he is well acquainted with his emotions, I don't think he knows what do with them sometimes.
"And Mikey…he tries to lighten things up. He has a serious side, but if everyone can still laugh, it's not as bad as everyone thinks. There's still hope. Besides, aside from video games being a great distraction, they help improve hand-eye coordination as well."
It was silent as the ninja turtle let her words soak in. "What about me?"
"You?" April glanced up at him. "You like to show everyone that you aren't afraid of anything, even though that isn't true. The great Raphael-san puts himself in dangerous situations to prove his worth. Which sometimes backfires."
"Hey!" he exclaimed indignantly.
"It's true! But that's why I love you." She glared at him as he stopped in his tracks, yanking her backward. "Are you purposely trying to dislocate my shoulder?" she demanded.
"Sorry," he mumbled before pulling her to him and hugging her tightly. "It's just been a while since anyone has said the 'L' word to me."
"Aw, poor Raph," she replied, but hugged him back. "You're going to be okay. I promise."
"You better be right, Miss O'Neil." They continued their stroll. "Maybe we should head back now, huh?"
"Probably. Central Park isn't the best place to be at night…Why are you looking at me like that?"
"You're talking to a freaking ninja and you say it's not safe to be out at night? C'mon! How many times have we saved you?"
"All right, all right!" She threw her hands in the air. "I'm entitled to be stupid sometimes."
"Fair enough." They started their way back, deciding to hail a taxi cab. In front of the apartment building Raphael paused. "We love you too…just so you know. If you ever wondered or something," he admitted carefully. She hugged him again.
"It's good to hear that."
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Raphael stayed with April for three more days, hoping to figure out what the root to his seemingly endless anxiety was. Ironically enough the sudden realization dawned upon him when he had given up his mental quest. At the time he was sitting on April's bed watching trashy soap operas.
He bowed his head as everything locked together in a riptide of psychological anguish.
Splinter would eventually have to leave the turtles when it was time to depart from the physical world and ascend to the astral plane. Raphael uttered an uncharacteristic moan; he didn't want to be separated from his brothers as he was now. Not like this in a flurry of confusion, anger and regret. It would be too painful having no one but himself to rely on.
The normally stoic turtle let another groan escape from behind sealed lips as tears unbidden trickled hesitantly down his face in a rare show of true sorrow. Why did always push them away? Haunting images leapt to his mind, unwelcome memories of every time he had hurt one of the others. Why did he have to be so callous and fight his demons on his own? Why was he always so angry? He could feel the rage building deep inside him.
Raphael curled on his side, folding his limbs into the fetal position so many humans used as an instinctive defense mechanism. Why was he so pathetic? He closed his hands over his head as sobs wracked his body.
April entered her bedroom quietly, having returned from a coffee shop. She had heard muffled cries upon entry to her apartment, but hadn't called out for fear that she would cause the tough ninja to flee. She removed her shoes and stretched out beside Raphael, facing him. She touched a tear, followed the trail left in its wake down his jaw line.
He blinked, opening his eyes to find the reporter before him. He was surprised that he hadn't heard her and cursed himself for being so lax in his awareness, and moved a hand in an attempt to wipe the saline drops away; a gesture which held the potential to be almost symbolic of him erasing his ability to feel. April, however, did not allow such a thing to occur. She pinned his arms down by his sides, hugging him with a vice-like grip as she rested her head in the curve where his neck joined shoulder.
"This type of crying isn't a weakness. It's more of a release," she whispered to him. "It's okay to be vulnerable once in a while. You are strong, Raphael. Don't think anything otherwise." She smiled when she felt him lean his head against hers.
"I hate being so pathetic," he growled, but nevertheless timid arms wrapped around her form loosely, apprehensively, then tightened when she made no move to resist. "I can't lose everyone. I'm not sure I can survive on my own." His voice was rough as he admitted the fear.
April's inner turtle intuition seemed to know what he was referring to. "You won't," she soothed, detangling herself from his arms. She sat up and cradled his head and shoulders in her arms as she had so long ago when he had been beaten nearly to death. "Not them, and certainly not me. They all love you, and I love you, babe. Unfortunately you're stuck with us. You'll only be alone if it is what you desire."
She looked down at Raphael, who was regaining composure. His embarrassed look had her raising an eyebrow. "Oh, what the hell," he said and settled into her embrace once again. "I guess I can afford to be pampered right now." He cracked the first smile she had seen from him in what felt like forever and a half.