Notes: It's funny how close I wrote this to giving up on Treasure, which may seem like an affront, but it's not. Treasure is a serious fic (yeah, right) and requires meticulous care, while this - this is plain parodying. It doesn't require brains nor pride nor anything, which appeals to me.
Disclaimers: Masashi Kishimoto and Stephanie Meyer.
Twilight
Or the ItaShi adaptation thereof: Twiblight.
I dreamt of Itachi.
He's wearing a powder blue prom dress, and deathtrap shoes, and tripping all over the place. I'm almost afraid to face him the next morning. Shinobi training would've let me kept a straight face through everything but this.
Somehow I managed.
I nearly lost it though, when I saw him act a mother-hen with his siblings. They looked like him – same skin, dark hair, odd eyes, bones like birds. Sweet really.
He got icy again when he saw me, stay away vibes at full force. The children – horrible darlings – mimic him and suddenly I fell like I'm facing an execution squad. There's only one kind face in that bunch – a girl I totally would've picked up in a heartbeat if it didn't seem so wrong – and I leave post-haste.
I get wounded on a mission and Itachi's acts like an agitated cat with all its hair on end. I would be touched if it were concern. It's not – he's absolutely horrified I can taste it. I think if he weren't such a leech for responsibility like the good commander that he is, he would've fled.
I am honestly disappointed. He's an ANBU captain, the first decent one I've met in a while. How can he be afraid of blood?
An idea so fantastic it's actually possible takes root in my head.
In my indignation of the Shunshin being usurped, I've been investigating techniques that don't require chakra. Here's the thing – there are none (bar Maito Gai's extremist taijutsu, which I immediately rule out on instinct). It was possible that it's a special type of chakra, or a different way of using it. So I wrote Mei – believe me, that girl doesn't run out of connections – for sensors.
Zilch. As empty of chakra as a... corpse.
I didn't want to think about it, I would have happily lived my life without all the spooky Halloween stuff, but the aversion to blood confirms it. I stagger in my seat, completely awed by my own ingenuity.
When I said I thought he had no life, I hadn't meant this at all.
After all, what creature is undead and horribly pale and shivers at the red liquid of life?
Ohmygod, Itachi's a goddamn zombie.
End.
Notes: ItaShi fans - please don't hunt me, even if I deserve it. DX