Notes: I realize only now that Twilight is totally wish fulfilment. I can't begrudge anyone that. So I deleted the entire rant.
Disclaimer: Masashi Kishimoto and Stephanie Meyer.
Twilight
Or the ItaShi adaptation thereof: Twiblight.
There are no secrets in Konoha, and that's how I heard about Bi-weekly Camping Trip and Missing-Nin Headhunt Itachi's family undertakes. It's said to always ends in failure – they come back blood-smeared and empty-handed – but I know better. They did hunting all right.
It still makes my hair stand on end – and appear sexier than usual – whenever I think about it. It defies the principle all shinobi live with – the you-live-and-you-die concept, the you-go-down-and-stay-down idea, the someone-offs-you-too-bad-that's-it ideal – and that just irks.
So I just don't think about it and instead act as irrationally as always.
I pounced recklessly. "So, Itachi, need any more campers? It gets cold at night, you know, and you never know when you might need for warm bodies."
I meant to imply that they were cold and lifeless shrouds, but somehow it came out sort of come-hither. I had forgotten I was a natural-born charmer.
Itachi said no. I suppose it was with reason. If his sisters saw me, they just might die all over again. And his mother might burst a vein – if she still had those.
I gracefully bowed out, not discouraged at all.
I spent the weekend with Namikaze Minato. He was a swell guy, his wife was a hottie, and he lived in the only sunny spot in the entire Village. I took my sunbathing seriously, like I needed to photosynthesize, so I forced the invitation.
It helped they had an impressionable son who was in the same class as Itachi's siblings. Reconnaissance while keeping my sunglasses on, excellent. I pry with his mind carefully – because, for all their sunshiny goodness, no couple scares the shiz out of me as his parents –
Bah. It's useless. The entire mind is.
Then something hit me. I think it might be a Bijuu.
It's worse – Kushina was there, and the way she's seething, there's no way I'll convince her I was only playing pat-a-cake with Naruto.
"It's not what it looks like," I explained in rapid fire, highly aware I'm facing the bloody Habanero. "I'm trying to save your husband's village here, before it becomes something like the night of the living dead."
Kushina stopped, looking surprised, and I'm instantly suspicious. The foxy lady knew something. "What makes you think that?" She said finally.
I took off my sunglasses. This required eye-to-eye seriousness. "I know everything. They're zombies."
"Zombies?"Kushina shrieked, laughing all the way. She even doubled over. I am suddenly not sure I want to pledge my allegiance to someone with a wife like this. "Where do you get such outrageous ideas, Shisui? They're only vampires."
Who's being outrageous? I glared archly at her.
She sobered soon enough, which is more than I could say for her husband, the lightweight. "Since you already know that much, there's no harm in telling you the rest."
This, from the woman who declared to swallow down her own tongue before leaking information? Motherhood definitely sucked something out of her.
"There are stories, like the fox-legends in my family, and there's gossip. My great-grandfather – the first Hokage –" I raise an eyebrow at this, because I'd heard the man was gay as gay can be, and therefore not inclined to have offspring. "He knew some of them, even struck a deal with one, a treaty of sorts. They were tired of yapping like age-old enemies are prone to do and formed this village. He let them stay, so long as they do the hunting somewhere else – preferably Iwagakure."
I am startled by the depth of this deception. "Does – does everyone know this?"
"Oh no, just us higher-ups and gorgeous people," Kushina winked. "Make sure it doesn't go around or I might have to make Minato kill you."
"Fine," I agreed (completely, in the case of her first assessment).
"Hey sucker," I greeted Itachi the next time we meet, because I'm really a fucking wit, and watched as he went completely still.
End.