This is it. The moment this story has clearly been leading up to. There will be one more chapter that will set Ziva and Ari on their proper paths.
These notes seemed appropriate to put at the beginning of this chapter considering its brutality and depressing nature.
*Collections (which I have mentioned previously) is the wing of Mossad that deals in overseas espionage, they collect intelligence and have a diplomatic or unofficial cover, which I am assuming is what the ambassador was in the episode "Shalom"
*Yes, Barbie is available in Israel. I did a paper on "The Creation and Cultural Significance of Barbie In The Modern World" so I would know.
I am a rock that falls into a deep sea. As I sunk the ripples spread, but I was only a minor disturbance on the surface. By the time the ripples I had made would reach shore, I would have already hit the bottom. There was nothing anyone could do for me then. I was that solitary stone that sunk into the abyss, and I did not bother to watch as the surface rose farther and farther above me.
Then my eyes opened and I discovered that I was staring at the ceiling in a windowless room. I knew immediately that I didn't want to get up. My clock told me it was nine in the morning. I knew I should have been at Mossad hours ago, but last night I had made the decision that it wasn't worth setting an alarm. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and feel like I was that rock in my dream again; sinking in the sea. But I had places to be today, my life did not allow me a day to rest and forget the world.
I walked to Mossad that day because I had already missed the commuter buses. I listened to the sounds of the city while trudging down one of the quieter streets with my hands in my pockets.
I walked past one of the many jewelers who featured diamonds in their front window and I looked at them sadly. I knew they were top quality because I could see right through them. They sparkled back at me with their many facets and prisms.
"Like what you see?" A salesman leaned out of the door.
"I don't know." I said pensively.
"Well we have more inside; we're having a huge sale!" He said enthusiastically.
The store appeared to be empty and I figured they must not get many customers.
"I have about 20 shekels on me." I admitted, smiling lightly at him.
"Humor me?" He pleaded desperately.
It wouldn't hurt to stall my arrival at Mossad now.
He introduced himself, and I told him my name. He then proceeded to lead me over to every single glass case and tell me everything he knew about the jewels and precious metals inside.
"Then we have the sterling silver, which is also on sale over here. I think that would be more within your price range." He showed me earings, art-deco rings, and shoddily made bracelets I knew would fall apart in a matter of months. I scanned the glass box, observing each piece on its throne of velvet when something caught my eye.
"What about this?" I pointed to a silver necklace through the pristine glass.
"Ah, the Star of David, one of our most popular, especially with the tourists. It would be very fitting for you, Miss David." He winked at me. "Would you like to try it on?"
"How much?"
"Well something like this would normally go for 50 or even 60, but for you…15." He shrugged. "You should try it on, at least."
I let him fasten the clasp on the back of my neck and he handed me a mirror. I only needed to glance at it before I paid for it and left the store, continuing on my walk of shame.
As I walked in the door of head quarters, I wasn't sure what to expect. Would I be reprimanded? Punished? Ignored? I went to the room where a group of various Mossad participants were gathered; that was where I was supposed to be.
Ziva jumped up when she saw me. "Where have you been, you were supposed to be here hours ago." She demanded through clenched teeth. "Do you have any idea what this could do to your career? You have to stop this, Tali it isn't responsible-"
"I don't need this from you, Ziva. Not today." I said rather loudly, attracting a few stares.
"Father wants to see you. He came down and told anyone who would listen to send you to him as soon as you got here." She informed me breathlessly. "I don't know what it's about, but you'd better get to his office. I would not keep him waiting much more than you already have."
"Will you come with me?" I asked, trying to swallow my concerns. She looked behind her apprehensively. "He didn't say you couldn't, did he?"
She exhaled and took my hand. "I will try." We took off down the corridor, keeping a brisk pace.
"What do you think will happen?" I asked as I was trying to remember to breathe. I couldn't recall the last time he had called me to his office at Mossad and for what reason. She gripped my hand encouragingly as we arrived at his office, and I knocked.
"Enter." The man behind the curtain called to me.
"Wait for me?" I whispered to Ziva, trying to communicate how I was feeling with my eyes. She nodded and stepped out of sight.
I opened the door.
I was surprised to see that he was not alone. Amit Hadar, the current head of Kidon, sat on a chair near my father's desk. He sat there rather rigidly with his strong hands gripping the arm rests. He met my gaze as I stepped tentatively into the room and gave me an understanding nod.
"Good morning Tali, I have some news for you." My father began casually, stirring a cup of tea and handing it to me. It was jasmine and lime; it was his subtle way of saying that he had received intelligence that confirmed I had not been doing well lately. Oh god, please god, tell me this isn't an intervention. I remember thinking, the cup of tea felt like a smoldering boulder in my hands.
"You have excelled Tali," My father observed from the file in front of him. "You have beaten 7 polygraphs and you are a natural in the weapons proficiency area of your training. You speak five languages, and can easily diffuse a bomb…" I stood there uneasily as I looked around. "Taliah, I have called you here today because after careful consideration, we have decided to send you on your first official mission."
I dropped the teacup and my world shattered along with it.
I had never thought about this day, although I had always known it was coming. I could hear nothing but the beat of my heart.
My father was looking at me expectantly, waiting for my response. I looked back at him blankly.
"Am I supposed to be… happy? To hear this?" I asked with a shaking voice. Every muscle in my body tensed. "I could never do this for you, or for anyone. I am not an officer. I don't I have to follow your orders just because you are my father." He had not expected this reaction and neither had I.
"What has happened to you, Taliah?" My father began, trying not to seem as shocked as he truly was. "Please hear me out before you do something you will regret." He said calmly, clearly trying to diffuse the situation.
"No." I spat venomously, taking a few steps backward. "I have heard enough. I have listened, I have done everything you asked, but I refuse- I cannot do this for you. Look at what have you done with my brother, god damn it! And look at Ziva, she is void of compassion! I have witnessed too much death and suffering, just look at my arms!" I shouted, throwing them out for him to see the harsh red scars that trailed up and down the skin on my inner forearm. It looked like an elaborate suicide attempt that had failed miserably, but everyone knew it had not been my doing. Amit flinched. My father looked downward just slightly before he could meet my eyes again.
"I have had enough of blindly following orders! I want nothing to do with this, so you can go back to hiding in your secrets and your orders and whatever the hell it is that makes you feel like what you are doing is right." I yelled, reaching for the door knob. "But I am not a pawn!" I declared, throwing the door open and storming out.
Eli sighed and sat down on his cushioned leather chair. "I will give her time to think it over." He decided. "Tali is much more… rebellious than her sister was. She will come to her senses. You should probably talk to her at one point, Amit. I assume she is going to run." At that moment his phone rang and he did not hesitate to pick it up immediately.
Amit pursed his lips and looked conflicted for a moment before he jumped out of his seat and left the room.
"What happened?" Ziva asked, she hadn't been able to hear through the sound proof doors.
"He tried to give me a mission, I declined." I said tersely. I had already traveled halfway down the hall. The walls of the corridor seemed to be closing in on me faster than ever.
Ziva was horrified. She didn't understand why I had resorted to this. Mossad was all we had. After all, you are what you say, you are what you know, and you are what you do.
"What are you trying to do?" She yelled and set off after me. "Why couldn't you just accept the assignment?"
"I don't belong here Ziva, I never have." I told her with tears beginning to well up in my eyes. "Ever since you were little this is what you have wanted to do- you always played with G.I. Joes and watched Ari at the shooting range- but I wanted to be a ballerina, I played with Barbies, I bake muffins when I'm sad for god's sake!" We briskly descended down the steps. Amit caught up on the first floor.
"Tali, you have to go back there. Assure your father of your loyalty!" He demanded while keeping up with my pace.
"Every word I said to him was true! I will do no such thing!" People turned to watch as we went by.
"You must convince him that you have changed your mind, then nothing bad will come of this- I can take care of the rest!" He attempted to be the voice of reason.
"Not a chance!" I told him, visibly outraged.
"I can have you transferred to Technology or Collections, you can gather intel overseas. You don't need to be part of Kidon, just please don't cause an irreparable crisis!"
"Then I will just leave!" I said firmly, my voice echoed off the high ceiling in the lobby.
Amit came to a halt. "Think about what you are doing, Tali." Hadar said warned me.
"Please don't do this." Ziva said quietly.
"I am sorry, Ziva, but I am not you." I declared bluntly, causing her to stop short. "I'll talk to you later." I muttered, turning away from her.
I took off towards the doors, looking back only once. Ziva seemed perturbed and stood there in deep thought; Amit paced and shook his head.
I gazed at the world before me. I would not be useful to my father anymore. But now I was lost, I had no where to turn. I didn't want to think about that though, so I walked aimlessly down the street.
In his office, my father tried not to look out his window, but he did. He watched me shrink farther into the distance, my face contorted with rage and betrayal. And although he may not have wanted it to be, that became his last memory of me.
It was about lunch time when I reached the open air market; vendors had set up their carts in the courtyard in between the stores. I am not certain why I ended up there. It was where my feet had led me and where I was content to stay for the time being.
It was crowded; there were plenty of people picking up something to eat on their lunch break. Teenagers out of school for the summer crowded the square, this way I could easily blend in and disappear in case I was being followed. But I felt like I should have been among them, having a good time and enjoying a vacation instead of being assigned to deadly missions.
I bought myself some falafel and paced the stone courtyard a few times. I casually fed what I didn't eat to the birds and watched all the people who were all leading seemingly normal lives. Among those I observed there was a mother who was overwhelmed with her 4 small children, three boys close to my age were fooling around and enjoying themselves, an old man eating his meal on a bench, and a business man who was chewing on the end of a cigarette while reading a newspaper. I sighed and turned away to find a trashcan.
When you have only minutes left to live, life moves in slow motion. Every detail is prominent, no movement goes unnoticed. Suddenly every minor aspect of what you are viewing seems relevant. I first saw death out of the corner of my eye, sauntering into the square trying his best to act normal. He is faceless to me now, but I distinctly remember how he moved, like he had a purpose. It was the wires that hung out from his sweatshirt that gave him away. He went unnoticed by most, and I knew this. I was the only one who knew death was among us, holding a small black switch that would decide our fate.
I closed my eyes and allowed sorrow and dread to flood my body for only a moment before I took a deep, slow breath and turned my head to watch him stride to the center of the square, ten feet away from me.
The boys that I thought were my age were even closer, standing to his right. They were laughing, unsuspecting- guiltless.
I ran, whether it was to avert the attack or save them, I will never know for sure. Either way, it was too late.
Death isn't like a personality quiz. A bomb is about to detonate. You: A.) run away B.) run toward it and see if you can diffuse it or C.) run toward it and save the people in the immediate line of fire. You don't stop to contemplate, the only way you can decide the answer is when you are in the exact same situation.
Just as I had decided to answer the question, I was met with the full force of the explosion. My arms came up to cover my face as I was blasted off my feet and thrown directly into a nearby cart. I was blown back a few feet and rolled to lie on my backside. Debris flew everywhere, glass pierced my skin, smoke and the familiar scent of burning flesh filled my lungs. I stared up at the clear blue sky and could see nothing else.
There is a moment of silence after an explosion, before the dust has settled and everyone's hearing is restored. Then panic sets in, and chaos reigns. I had always been resilient, and I remained awake long enough to experience this silence and the pandemonium that followed.
There was nothing recognizable in my realm of vision, just shadows passing by me and the glimmer of fire. Sheets of newspaper flew overhead; there was the faint echo of a child crying, people screaming, and the reverberation of feet against the hard ground.
But I wasn't worried, I felt no pain, and that is how I knew that this was the end, that I was dead.
I had been living in a windowless room, and now I could look up and see the beautiful blue sky again.
And as I stared up at the blank blue sky, I remembered all of this- every detail and every word of my short, bittersweet life. But it didn't exactly stop where I thought it would. There were short flashes of things that I had never actually seen- a brief premonition of what was to follow.
An air strike in Gaza on a building that I recognized.
A woman with the full skyline of a thriving metropolis behind her took a bullet to the head.
Ari lay in a pool of blood, while Ziva cried beside him.
My brother took my sister's hand as he left my grave behind.
A man with kind blue eyes replaced it as he left Ari behind, and she dropped a smoking gun.
Tears began to leak from my eyes just as the sirens came within hearing distance. One of the shadows in my peripheral vision knelt beside me and put two fingers to my wrist. It did not matter to me that help was coming; it did not make a difference. I closed my eyes.
I had seen enough.