A/N: This is the wedding night chapter…I thought that the original was sorely lacking in details, so I took some liberties here and expanded considerably. It's very clean, but don't read if you're the least bit prudish!
Bella's curiosity was getting the best of her. Exactly the effect I'd been hoping for. There was no way she'd figure out where we were going – she couldn't, since she didn't even know the island existed.
"Houston?" she asked when we reached the gate in Seattle.
"Just a stop along the way," I smiled, leading her along. Despite the length of the day and all that had happened, her excitement still had her wide awake.
That didn't last long, however. She had barely settled into her comfortable seat on the airplane before she fell asleep, resting her cheek on my shoulder. She was still so deeply asleep when we landed a couple of hours later in Houston that I thought I'd have to carry her to the international terminal to catch the next flight.
I wouldn't have minded that, but thought it might look a little odd to anyone else trekking through the airport, regardless of the fact that it was now the middle of the night.
She managed to stumble along with me on her own feet, her eyes half-closed until we got to the next gate. "Rio de Janeiro?"
"Another stop," I told her, and she was too tired to ask any more questions.
She was a little more lively when we landed in Rio, having caught several more hours of sleep on the lengthy flight south. She looked around curiously as we waited for our bags and then piled into a taxi, absorbing the sights and sounds of such a huge city which she had never seen before. I had been here several times in the past myself and no longer found it all that interesting. But it was nicer than some others I had seen in my travels.
She was wide awake by the time we reached the docks on the other side of the city, despite the fact that it was again night time. I led her down the length of a line of yachts to the spot where Carlisle's island hopper was moored. It was large enough to do some sailing and sleep over night, but not as huge as many of the others that were also tied up here. Carlisle used this boat only for small excursions, not ocean seafaring.
After helping Bella aboard, I got organized for the trip out to the island, searching my memory for the list of tasks I had to undertake before setting off. I didn't do this all that often, so I was grateful for the extra vampire mental power which allowed me to remember what to do.
Besides, I was looking forward to getting the yacht to open water and releasing the throttle. It was a totally different kind of speed than I got to experience in a car, and exhilarating in a different way. It was much freer, without traffic to worry about.
Bella had been silent as she watched me, still curious but absorbed by all the new sights, sounds and smells around her. Her brow furrowed when we left the harbour and hit open ocean. I could imagine that she was trying to figure out exactly what was off the coast of Brazil…or whether we were heading straight for western Africa.
Finally, she spoke, tentatively. "Are we going much farther?"
I had been enjoying the feel of the yacht under me, racing along as I steered, and had kind of forgotten that she'd probably had just about enough travel for one day. Oh well, it wouldn't be much longer.
"About another half hour." To my amusement, her fingers were clenched around the seat cushion she sat on, as she often clutched the car seat under her when she felt I was driving too fast. I could already see the outline of the island through the blackness, however. Because of my eagerness to get there, I wasn't inclined to let up on the throttle just yet.
Before long I figured we were close enough that Bella's human eyes would also be able to make out the shape of the land mass ahead of us. "Bella, look there," I called to her, pointing.
She squinted as she tried to figure out what I was pointing at, but it slowly seemed to dawn on her, the closer we got. Her eyes widened. "Where are we?"
I grinned happily. Finally. We were here.
"This is Isle Esme."
"Isle Esme?" she repeated as I steered the boat toward the small dock at the north end of the island, gradually slowing the engine. I pulled up to the dock and quickly moored us in place, then cut the engine completely. The night was silent except for the occasional sound of a critter in the palm trees, and the gentle whoosh of the fronds swaying the warm breeze.
I loved it here. I had never come often enough. But perhaps if Bella enjoyed it, Esme would allow us to visit more frequently.
Actually, given its isolation, it might be a good place for us to hide out for a while as Bella adjusted to her…"renovations", as she called them.
But I didn't want to think about that part right now.
"A gift from Carlisle—Esme offered to let us borrow it," I answered her. She looked a little doubtful, and I figured she was wondering about the magnitude of such a present. But Carlisle and Esme had been married for decades, and had always had enough money to buy anything their hearts desired at any time. After a while, it got difficult to come up with a creative gift.
I tossed our suitcases onto the dock and reached out to sweep Bella up into my arms. She looked startled as I leapt out of the boat.
"Aren't you supposed to wait for the threshold?"
"I'm nothing if not thorough."
After a few minutes' walk through the trees and undergrowth along the sandy path, we arrived at the house. As I had asked the local staff, the lights were on, welcoming us. I started to smile, looking forward to the light, airy atmosphere of the structure, but suddenly felt Bella's heart start to race. I glanced down at her, concerned, but her expression was unreadable. She was simply looking ahead at the house.
It was yet another of the many moments I cursed the fact that I could not know what she was thinking. Did she not like it? She hadn't even seen it yet. Or…
I had been so focused on getting here, on time to ourselves, no families, no werewolves, no bands of murderous newborn vampires, no Volturi…I hadn't allowed myself to think about the next part.
The wedding had been yesterday, but this was our wedding night.
She was nervous. Suddenly, so was I.
I said nothing, but waited for her to look at me when we got to the front door of the house. She finally lifted her eyes to mine, and I gave her a small smile before stepping over the threshold. I hoped I looked reassuring.
I carried her through the house, flipping on lights as we went so that she could see what the interior looked like. It was relatively similar in décor to our house in Forks, as Esme always favoured light colour schemes to make up for the fact that we could not roam around outside in bright daylight…at least not when humans were around.
Bella was glancing around, taking in her surroundings, but her heart rate had not leveled off. I supposed that if I had a beating heart, mine would have been doing the same, so I could not fault her for it.
The last room we entered was the large, white master bedroom. Its far wall was mostly glass, and had a set of French doors which led out to the beach, where Esme had arranged deck chairs and a hammock built for two. The moon was bright and low in the sky, illuminating the waves crashing gently against the shore nearby.
I watched as Bella's eyes darted from object to object, drinking in the scene. She seemed to stop at the oversized white bed in the middle of the room.
Gently, I set her on her feet, not entirely sure what to say. I wasn't normally at a loss for words, but this situation was…unique.
"I'll…go get the luggage," I said finally, glad for a moment to gather my thoughts.
I made my way back to the front door to retrieve the bags and returned to the bedroom a little slowly. I wouldn't renege on my promise. And I would do what I could to make this…wonderful for her.
Besides – if it wasn't possible, it wasn't possible, I assured myself for the thousandth time. We had only agreed to try.
Bella was standing near the bed when I returned, gazing at the mosquito netting which surrounded it. I stepped up behind her and noticed a little bead of perspiration on her neck. Of course, she would be hot in here…until my cold skin was against hers. If it weren't hot, my skin would give her chills as usual.
"It's a little hot here," I apologized, wiping the perspiration away with a gentle stroke of my finger. "I thought…that would be best."
"Thorough," she murmured, and I chuckled a little, hating the sound of the nerves in my own voice. I was supposed to be the strong one. I was the one made out of rock; I needed to act like one.
"I tried to think of everything that would make this…easier."
She was feeling shy, and did not turn to face me.
We needed to ease into this.
"I was wondering," I said slowly, "if...first...maybe you'd like to take a midnight swim with me?" Again, I hated the sound of the nerves in my voice, and was determined to conquer them. I drew a deep breath. "The water will be very warm. This is the kind of beach you approve of."
It seemed to take her a moment to find her voice. "Sounds nice."
"I'm sure you'd like a human minute or two….It was a long journey."
She simply nodded. Her heart was still pounding.
I kissed her neck gently, and chuckled to try and ease the tension. "Don't take too long, Mrs. Cullen," I teased, hoping to lighten the mood for both of us. Besides, I truly enjoyed the sound of her new name as it rolled off my tongue. For the millionth time since the wedding ceremony, I thought with satisfaction, she's mine. There could no longer be any doubt about it.
I brushed my lips from her neck to her shoulder. "I'll wait for you in the water."
Although I heard her heart rate increase yet again, I headed for the French doors leading from the bedroom to the beach, carelessly slipping off my shirt and dumping it on the floor as I went. It occurred to me that it was almost unfair that I had the advantage of knowing that Bella was nervous just by listening to her body react, yet she couldn't tell how I was really feeling unless I told her directly. Nevertheless, I was selfishly grateful for it at this moment. I felt almost on the verge of a full-blown panic attack.
I knew I would have a while to myself while she had her "human minute", and was glad for the time to collect my thoughts some more. Perhaps it would help to blow off a little steam.
I threw the rest of my clothes over a tree branch and stepped into the water. Even my cool skin could tell how delightfully warm it was, although it was completely dark out. I dove quickly under the surface and started to swim, hard.
Within moments I was probably about five miles from the beach, enjoying the speed of my movement despite the regret I felt when all of the sea creatures in the water scattered out of my way. Even if I hadn't been moving so quickly, I knew they would have reacted the same way. Despite the fact that Bella seemed unable to appreciate it, these animals knew when a predator was in their midst.
I turned back towards the direction of the beach and swam a little more slowly, finally allowing my mind to fully focus on what was ahead. While part of me was practically tingling with the anticipation of finally, finally being able to be with Bella as a husband and wife should be, the other part was terrified. The terror was two-pronged.
First, I'd never done this before. I really didn't have much of an idea what to do or how to act, other than what I'd read or seen in films...or picked out of the minds of others. I hoped not to be too clumsy about it.
But second, I was desperately afraid that this time, I would lose control. I had no idea how my body would react in this situation, and that unknown was more frightening to me than the entire Volturi army. I would have to be so very, very careful.
I reflected back on the conversation I had had about the subject with Carlisle a few weeks before the wedding. Although I had found it rather embarrassing to have to do that at my age, I couldn't imagine who else might have experience even remotely similar to what I was facing. I had hoped that his centuries as a physician tending to human bodies might give him some insight.
He had frowned slightly when I explained the compromise I'd made with Bella. I knew what he was thinking, but he had said it out loud anyway. "I really don't know that that's wise, Edward. It won't be very long before she's changed, can't you both just…?" he trailed off, but I knew that the last word of his sentence was wait.
"I tried to tell her how dangerous it could be for her, Carlisle. I tried to talk her into waiting. I've explained it dozens of times already. But she's absolutely convinced that I won't hurt her." I didn't add the rest of my thought, which was, Or at least she seems to think that even if I do hurt her to some degree, it will be worth it. It was a thought I could barely tolerate crossing my mind.
I had sighed. "But most of all, it's the only thing she wants before…she's no longer human. The only experience she cares about having before she's changed. She's too concerned that she just won't feel quite the same with a different body."
I can certainly understand that, I had heard Carlisle think, although he said nothing. He'd been 23 when he was changed, but in his time, like mine, it had been common for people to wait for sex until after they were married. He had not been married when the old vampire had bitten him that fateful evening, centuries ago. So it was a human experience he himself had missed.
The wistfulness behind his thought had thrown me off guard, as it gave me a momentary insight into how Bella must be feeling and thinking about this issue. I still didn't necessarily like it, but I had had something more of an appreciation for her point of view in that instant.
"I don't think there's much I can tell you that you don't already know," Carlisle had said out loud. "Human bodies are fragile compared to ours. You will simply have to be extremely careful, and extremely focused." He had hesitated, but looked at me with confidence in his eyes. "However, if anyone can do it, I know that you can. Look how far you've come already. It's been more than I ever thought any of our kind were capable of."
I knew he meant it and I had appreciated the thought, but it still didn't allay my concerns.
"Can you tell me what to expect…for myself?" I had asked, thinking that if I were able to blush, my entire body would be scarlet. It worsened when I had picked up flickers of feelings, both emotional and physical, from Carlisle's mind as he thought of the act, and of Esme. I had forced myself tune out of his mind to give them privacy, and save myself from the embarrassment.
"It's a very great pleasure, son. Very great. Very intense and very consuming. That's why you will have to be so careful to keep your focus and your control. It's one of the few things that seems to change us completely." He paused thoughtfully. "Although in your case, it would appear that finding Bella at all after all these years has already changed you completely."
I had nodded in agreement. He couldn't even know how true his statement was.
"I have the utmost confidence in you, Edward," he had said simply. I could tell he didn't know what else to say.
I had nodded again. "Thank you." I hadn't been sure what else I could say, either.
I could tell from the light above the surface of the water that I was back near the beach once again. When I stood, the water was about waist-deep. I wiped the droplets off my face with both hands, ran my fingers through my hair to straighten it a little, and then shook my head, a little like a dog coming in from the rain. The swim had helped, but I still needed to focus and settle down some more.
I turned my back to the house and stared out over the ocean, thinking back as well to the discussion on the subject I had with my brothers on the evening of my "bachelor party". I reminded myself of what they had said…comparable to drinking human blood. The comparison was a bit grisly now that I thought about it again, but at least it gave me an idea I could relate to…
I was startled out of my reverie when I heard the French door open behind me, and Bella's footsteps on the sand. There was no hesitation in her step.
I didn't need it, but took a deep breath anyway as I listened to her approach, softly across the sand. I was tempted to turn and watch her, but thought that it might make her self-conscious – especially when I heard her carefully shrug out of whatever she was wearing and place it on the tree branch where I'd left my clothes. I could hear the waves gently lap against her skin as she made her way through the water toward where I stood.
The panic rose in me once again, but I did my best to force it away. I wanted this to be perfect for her.
She was beside me in another moment, settling her hand over mine where I rested it on top of the water. The warmth of the water had warmed my skin, made it almost the same temperature as hers. I had hoped for that effect.
Bella gazed up at the moon quietly. "Beautiful…" she breathed.
I took another deep breath, letting her scent permeate through my body. It was so wonderful, so comforting. The image of her walking carefully down the aisle toward me, her face glowing as she clutched her father's arm, filled my mind. She was the incarnation of beauty to me.
"It's all right…" I murmured, turning to face her. "But I wouldn't use the word beautiful. Not with you standing here in comparison."
She smiled and placed her right hand on my bare chest, over the spot where my heart used to beat. As always when she touched me, I half-expected my heart to start beating once again. For once, in the moonlight, our skin matched and she looked as pale as I did.
I shivered slightly, and felt my breath catch a little. "I promised we would try," I whispered. "If…if I do something wrong, if I hurt you, you must tell me at once."
She nodded, looking up at me for a moment. I could hear that her heart beat differently now. Not nervously, as it had before. Now it sounded more like it did all those times we'd laid together in her small bed at home, kissing until things reached the point I had to be the one to pull back and stop.
She rested her cheek against my chest.
"Don't be afraid," she said after a moment. "We belong together."
The irony of the fact that it was she reassuring me was not lost on me, but only in the background of my thoughts. As I looked down at her, her face serene but full of love in a way that shook me to my core, I could feel the panic gradually subside. I wrapped my arms around her. She was mine. This was our moment. I was going to make it perfect for us both.
"Forever," I agreed, and took her hand to lead her into slightly deeper water.
This would be the first time all of our skin was exposed and in contact, and I hoped the warmth of the water would continue to defray any chill for her.
She was the first to move, to press her body against mine tightly in the water, her arms around my back. Her face was buried in my chest, kissing me there in a way that sent a shiver pulsing through me. I breathed in the scent of her hair deeply, pleased that the burn in my throat was dull…background noise, really, suppressed by the sudden wave of desire that almost made me throw her over my shoulder and dash for the house.
So many months I'd suppressed that desire, I carefully let myself begin to surrender to it now.
I placed my hands on either side of her face and turned it up so that I could press my cool lips to her warm ones, cautiously taking in the taste of her as we kissed. She was pressing the tips of her fingers into my back, holding me against her as tightly as her human strength would allow.
I heard myself make a low, guttural moan when one of her hands traced down from my back and over my waist to grip me to her as she pressed her pelvis against mine. I removed a hand from her face and slid it down her neck, her arm, over her collar bone and gently down over her torso. It was her turn to make an animalistic sort of sound, and her tongue was suddenly in my mouth.
I pulled away a fraction of an inch. She was forgetting already that she needed to be careful with my sharp teeth. "Bella," I breathed, and ducked to kiss her gently under her left ear, hoping to dial back the intensity for a moment.
If I hadn't known that she was as inexperienced as I was, I might have been more shocked and wondered what she knew that I didn't when her hand slid around from my back to the front, reaching down between us. A breath caught roughly in my throat when she touched me, and I reached for her wrist, bringing her hand back up to my chest. "Slowly," I murmured in her ear, then pressed my lips in soft kisses down the side of her neck. "I know it's hard to remember, but we have be slow, very slow, so that I don't hurt you."
She exhaled in an impatient sort of way, as if she wanted to argue with me. Thankfully, she didn't, and instead closed her eyes, giving herself over to my lips gently moving over her neck and throat, back up the other side to her other ear. Taking advantage of the warmth of the water, I allowed my hands to explore her body, tracing over all of the skin that had always been hidden before. Though I tried to maintain the lightest touch possible, the sensation under my fingertips made my head swim. She was so smooth, so soft and delicate. I wanted to be able to run my lips over those same expanses of soft skin.
Bending slightly to again press my mouth to hers, I scooped her up into my arms and turned for the house, grabbing a towel from the tree branch where my clothes were as we passed it on the beach. Some small part of my brain recognized that that must have been what she had been "wearing" earlier.
Back in the bedroom but without breaking off our kiss, I set Bella back on her feet next to the large white bed, and gently used the towel to dry us both off a little. Now that we were no longer amongst the waves and the sound of the water slapping against the sand on the beach, I could hear that her heart was pounding again, as if she were running a marathon. Her hands were shaky as she slid them over my shoulders to wrap her arms around my neck. As always, I was positively thrilled to have elicited such responses from her body, and concentrated on the heavy beating of her heart as I continued to kiss her.
After a few moments, she was the one to break the kiss. She took a slight step backward and edged herself down onto the bed, taking my hand to indicate that she wanted to pull me after her. She couldn't have done it, of course, if I weren't willing…but of course I was. She settled down on her back on the sheets and I laid next to her on my side, bending over her to kiss her again. Both of her hands knotted in my hair as she held my face to hers.
Eventually, I carefully extricated myself from her grasp, and set to tracing light kisses back down her neck and throat, over a shoulder, down her arm to her wrist. I held her wrist to my nose and breathed deeply once again. The scent was as intoxicating as ever, but the burn in my throat remained part of the background. Too much was happening with the rest of my body to pay much attention to it.
Bella's hands were on my shoulders, and she seemed to be trying to pull me back up to kiss her mouth again. I ignored her, however, and continued to explore her skin with kisses. I had another shoulder to visit, another arm, another wrist…
Her back arched slightly when I moved over to press my lips to her stomach, just above her belly button. She reached for my shoulders again to pull me up, and I went this time – but slowly, using just the tip of my tongue to trace up her abdomen and over her sternum, ending up back at her mouth. She kissed me almost frantically, but at least remembered this time to keep her tongue away from my teeth.
It would have been all too easy right then to simply throw myself into it and give in completely to what my body wanted to do, especially since Bella didn't seem to be able to stop herself from trying to pull at me and hurry things up. Her breathing was more ragged than I'd ever heard it before, and her heart continued to pound.
To be fair, I knew my breathing wasn't coming much more smoothly than hers, and it was only the complete lack of a heartbeat that kept mine from pounding just as hard.
Nevertheless, I was somehow able to keep my mind at least somewhat clear and in the moment. Undoubtedly, it was my all-encompassing fear of hurting my new bride, stronger than everything else, that allowed me to do it. Even still, as the long, lovely moments passed and we kissed and explored each other's skin with our hands, there were a few times I had to pause to collect myself, re-center and re-focus. The new sensations and instincts that were flooding through me were continually threatening to take me over.
Eventually I found myself hovering over Bella as she lay on her back, arms around my neck, one of her legs hitched over mine. Her lovely face was flushed with excitement and desire, but she had a calmness about her as she looked up at me. "Try," she murmured softly, adding, "I love you."
I knew what she meant and was unable to find my voice to reply. At this moment, I wanted nothing more than this, to make love to my beautiful wife. I swallowed and settled down closer to her body.
A few unfortunate but thankfully brief moments of clumsiness followed, but then we suddenly fit together, like two pieces of a puzzle. A remote part of my brain registered that she had gasped slightly.
I have no words to describe the sensation.
I was utterly light-headed as we moved together, not kissing and certainly not speaking, but looking at each other intently. I have no idea what the expression on my face was, but hers was a mixture of surprise and…ecstasy. It was the only word I could think of to describe it. I was completely lost in it for a long moment, clutching her to me with my hands on her upper arms. Like scrabbling out of quicksand, I somehow forced myself to surface from the ocean of physical pleasure and stop.
I saw Bella's eyes widen when I hesitated. I reached up to place my palm against her cheek, knowing what she was thinking. "I'm not quitting, love…" I managed to tell her. "I just…I just have to calm down a little."
She smiled, apparently quite pleased that she was causing me to react this way. She waited patiently for me to collect myself for a few seconds, but then arched up against me, drawing me deeper and practically knocking me senseless. She had no idea how every millimeter of my body was reacting. Something like a low growl rose up from deep in my throat and I reached down to grasp her thigh and pull it up more tightly over my own. I realized that I may have done so a little more roughly than I might have liked, but her face reflected nothing but eagerness. Her mouth suddenly clamped over mine in another frantic kiss. When she broke away long moments later, it was only to flop back against the mattress, breathless but still clutching me to her as tightly as she could.
I had tasted Bella's blood before, but it was nothing at all compared to this.
I lost all sense of time and would probably have lost all sense of space if I hadn't been clinging so carefully to the vestiges of my self-control. Despite the effort, I still found that there were the briefest instances where I knew I lost focus. The sensations were simply too much. And unfortunately, if she had had any to begin with, I knew that my bride had definitely lost any focus of her own. If I slowed or showed any sign of pausing, she only clutched me tighter, urging me on with her body.
After some time, I was past the point of pausing, or being able to slow. I could feel a shudder pass through me from the bottoms of my feet to the top of my head, and my mind seemed to go completely blank for a long, utterly blissful moment. Despite not needing to breathe, I was panting, and buried my face in one of the pillows to avoid making what I feared would be a truly bestial sound. I heard fabric tearing and then felt something soft floating around my head. From the corner of one eye, I could see that Bella's neck was craned backward, her throat elongated and exposed above my shoulder, and I was vaguely conscious of whiteness surrounding her. Her eyes were squeezed shut but her mouth was open, making some kind of sound of her own that I couldn't concentrate enough on to hear. The shuddering was now passing through me in waves.
It seemed to take a while for me to regain focus after that, but when I did, I was immediately conscious that I appeared to have let too much of my weight press onto Bella. Her breath was coming in shallow gasps. Assuming I was crushing the air out of her lungs, I pulled back suddenly, but felt her arms tighten around my neck. "No…" she managed to squeak out in a rough voice. She didn't want me to move.
"I'm not going anywhere," I managed to reply, in an equally rough and shaky voice. However, I shifted so as to support more of my own weight again. When Bella seemed to be breathing a little more easily, I couldn't resist pressing my mouth to hers in another long kiss. It was slower now, as we both relaxed all over.
Given how I could run for hundreds of miles without a second thought, I should not have been surprised to find that I was far from exhausted, but was instead ready for more. I hadn't had enough of her and her body, or any of these new, overwhelming but utterly blissful sensations.
Fortunately, she appeared to feel the same way. It didn't take long for her kisses to increase in urgency once again as she clutched herself against me. It was so nice not to have to step on the brakes as I had so many times in the past, but could instead surrender to the moment as she did. Nevertheless, I had to be careful not to let her eagerness destroy my concentration completely. Some corner of my mind was already concerned that I wasn't paying close enough attention, but Bella showed no sign whatsoever of any moment being anything less than perfect.
I was finally starting to understand exactly what it was that caused my family members to disappear into their rooms most evenings and not emerge again until sunrise, even though they had no need of sleep.
The time seemed both wonderfully long and frustratingly short, but we eventually reached another high, followed by another blissful lull. My body was still shuddering all over, but I kept kissing her, wondering now how my family ever forced themselves to emerge from their rooms at all. However, I could sense the exhaustion caused by the tension and the long trip starting to settle through Bella. She was beginning to relax into sleep.
Suppressing a sigh, I pulled away from her gently, and this time she let me go. I slipped over to her left side and she turned, burying her face into my chest and flopping an arm over my waist. I contented myself with pressing my lips into her hair, kissing her scalp and breathing deeply of the scent of her hair as I felt her slide into sleep in my arms.
Gradually, I was able to gather my wits about me enough to return to a coherent pattern of thought. I couldn't recall my body ever feeling so thoroughly relaxed, so...glorious. Not even after the most satisfying of hunts. Although she was now deeply asleep, I couldn't resist continuing to give Bella the odd squeeze, or planting more kisses in her hair.
But in addition to the wonderful way the physical sensations made my entire body feel, I was exultant. The realization -- and the relief -- that we had managed to do this without incident, without injury, coursed through me. My wife was still in one piece, safe in my arms, and content enough to sleep soundly beside me.
I noticed the soft whiteness surrounding us both, vaguely remembering it from before, and now realized what it was. I chuckled to myself. Oops. Apparently I had shredded a couple of the feather pillows. The white down had already spread out over most of the bed, and some had stuck into Bella's long, dark hair. I guessed I'd have to replace those for Esme before we went home...
The hours passed quickly for me as I alternated between watching Bella sleep -- deeply, without tossing and without speaking for once -- and closing my own eyes to rest and simply enjoy the moment, the feel of her safe in my arms. I resisted the frequent urge to wake her up with kisses so we could try this again. Assuming she wanted to, we would have plenty more time for that during our stay on the island.
It wasn't until the sun started to rise that there was a wrinkle in my perfect sense of contentment.
In her sleep, Bella had turned further into me, and was now laying on my chest, her right arm thrown up over my shoulder and her left arm trailing beside her. One of my hands was absently tracing up and down her spine. In the darkness, despite my superior vision, I hadn't noticed it, but now, with the light in the room increasing, I glimpsed a dark shadow on her upper right arm.
Frowning, I leaned a little closer for a better look, wondering if I were imagining things in the pale light. Careful not to wake her, I shifted up slightly to look again, and look over the rest of her body where it was not covered by the white sheet.
I wasn't imagining things. The shadow on her arm was the beginning of a deep purple bruise. And there were others, further down her arm, on her other arm, low on her back...
It was everything I could do to keep from gasping out loud and jumping out of the bed.
Without injury, I had thought.
I should have known. I should have known it wouldn't be that easy. I should have known it was impossible. I should have kept saying no, but I had been selfish. I had wanted it, too. As much as I had held onto the notion that this had been Bella's request -- her demand -- I knew that I had wanted it just as much.
My fists clenched in anger at myself, and I pressed one tightly against my forehead in concentration so that I would keep calm and not wake her up. It would be bad enough once she woke on her own and saw what I had done to her, I couldn't rob her of the sleep she seemed to need as well.
I was overtaken by self-loathing.
I was a monster.
I had known it, and I had known it well. But I had tried to pretend I wasn't, that I could have what humans had and that there would be no consequences.
No direct consequences for me, perhaps, but there were most certainly consequences for the woman I loved. I had done what I had sworn up and down I would not do: I had hurt her. I had injured her. And as yet, I didn't even know how badly. Would she even be able to walk? How much would she hate me when she realized what I'd done?
As if in ironic answer to that question, Bella sighed softly in her sleep, nestled further into my chest, and tightened her hold on my shoulder. It didn't make me feel any better.
The next few hours were very long.
The light in the room continued to increase as the sun climbed higher over the horizon, and with each increase in the brightness, the more obvious the bruises on Bella's skin became.
I was utterly wracked by the guilt and horror. And the shame. My beautiful, fragile wife...injured...by me. I couldn't remember a single positive thing about the night before. The memory of every sensation had been completely overshadowed by this, the end result.
Eventually, Bella began to stir, slowly waking. She inhaled deeply and stretched without opening her eyes, although she turned her face toward the sunbeams breaking through the window. Nervously now, my hand still traced lightly up and down her back. I stopped breathing as I waited for her to speak.
Instead, she laughed.
"What's funny?" I managed to ask softly. I couldn't imagine a single thing that could possibly be amusing about this situation. But then again, she hadn't opened her eyes yet.
She blushed as her stomach growled, but she laughed once more. "You just can't escape being human for very long."
How well I knew that. Bella's expression was peaceful and contented, but I assumed she simply had not been awake long enough yet to feel the pain of her injuries. That would come shortly, I knew. I felt my jaw set tightly, and I stared at the ceiling. Waiting.
She raised herself on an elbow suddenly. "Edward, what is it?" she gasped a little, looking at me. "What's wrong?"
"You have to ask?" I muttered.
She was silent, so I forced myself to look down at her, bracing for the expression of horror and disgust I was sure I would find on her face.
Instead, she looked confused. Her brow was furrowed, and she was staring back at me blankly.
Again, what I wouldn't give to be able to hear her thoughts. Instead, I had to ask. "What are you thinking?" I traced a finger gently across her forehead, hating the worried lines that had appeared there on a morning when she deserved to be filled with nothing but joy.
"You're upset. I don't understand. Did I…?" her mouth hung open, unable to finish her thought.
I felt my own brow crease. Surely she wouldn't pretend that there was nothing amiss? "How badly are you hurt, Bella? The truth – don't try to downplay it."
Now her eyebrows shot up as her eyes widened. "Hurt?" she repeated, her voice a squeak.
I waited for her to think about that, to finish waking up and realize what I had done. I felt nauseous.
She stretched slowly, flexing her muscles, unclenching and clenching her hands. She tilted her neck from side to side. She still looked…confused.
What I wouldn't have given to be able to hear her thoughts.
"Why would you jump to that conclusion? I've never been better than I am now," she said finally.
I snapped my eyelids shut. I couldn't stand it if she did this again…tried to pretend like something so serious was nothing at all. "Stop that."
"Stop what?"
"Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to this."
"Edward! Don't ever say that." Her voice was a whisper.
"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I'm not a monster."
I didn't open my eyes, but could tell she had sat up. I heard her gasp and braced myself again for her reaction.
"Why am I covered in feathers?"
I exhaled, exasperated. She was still avoiding the issue. Why couldn't she just be honest about it? "I bit a pillow. Or two," I muttered. "That's not what I'm talking about."
"You…bit a pillow? Why?"
"Look, Bella!" Impatient, I reached for her hand – careful to be as gentle as if I were handling a soap bubble – and gestured at her arm. "Look at that."
Finally, she seemed to see the pattern of bruises which covered her arms and torso. She poked at a mark on her forearm as though she was not sure what it was.
To further emphasize the reality of the situation, I carefully placed my hand over the bruises on one of her arms, showing her that my fingers matched the patterns.
"Oh," she breathed, looking at the marks thoughtfully now.
If I could have actually thrown up, I'm sure I would have.
"I'm…so sorry, Bella," I whispered. There weren't words available to express how horrific I felt. I barely knew what to say. "I knew better than this. I should not have—" I choked a little on the thought. "I am more sorry than I can tell you."
I threw an arm over my face and laid still, waiting for her to finally agree with me. To finally recognize that I was a monster. Just like I had been telling her from the very beginning.
She was silent, too, leaving me to imagine the thoughts that must be racing through her head.
Eventually, she brushed her fingers over my arm, then tried to pry it from my face. But I wasn't about to move.
"Edward," she said flatly. "Edward?"
I couldn't respond. I still had no words.
She sighed loudly. "I'm not sorry, Edward. I'm…I can't even tell you. I'm so happy. That doesn't cover it. Don't be angry. Don't. I'm really f—"
Of course, I should have known. She still wouldn't admit it. She always had to take the burden for those she loved.
"Do not say the word fine," I growled. "If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine."
"But I am."
"Bella…Don't."
"No. You don't, Edward."
She said it with irritation, surprising me. I moved my arm from my eyes so I could see her face, scrutinizing her expression for some indication of what she was really thinking.
"Don't ruin this. I. Am. Happy." Her voice was firm.
I could only manage a whisper. "I've already ruined this."
"Cut it out," she snapped, and I clenched my teeth together.
"Ugh!" she groaned then, frustrated. "Why can't you just read my mind already? It's so inconvenient to be a mental mute!"
Now that was surprising. I looked at her with some astonishment. "That's a new one." She had certainly never said such a thing before. Usually, she was delighted that she was the one person I couldn't read so easily. "You love that I can't read your mind."
"Not today."
I stared at her. "Why?"
She threw her hands up, apparently exasperated, allowing her palms to smack against my chest. "Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I was perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now—well, I'm sort of pissed, actually."
"You should be angry at me."
"Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?"
I sighed at the irony. "No. I don't think anything could make me feel better now."
"That," she snapped. "That right there is why I'm angry. You are killing my buzz, Edward."
Again. Again trying to make light, trying to spare me. I rolled my eyes and shook my head.
I heard her take a deep breath, and when she spoke again, she seemed a little calmer.
"We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And then—well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing." She gestured at her arm. "I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing. With a little practice—"
That almost sent me over the edge. She was suggesting that I allow this to happen again? That I just keep right on hurting her, hoping for the best, hoping that this time wouldn't be the time that killed her? Had she known all along it would turn out this way, and risked her safety anyway?
I was starting to think that some part of her was actually insane.
"Assumed?" I interrupted, knowing I sounded as livid as I felt. "Did you expect this, Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you? Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones—that equals a victory?"
She simply looked back at me while I ranted, saying nothing. She kept calm, and waited for me to finish. I scarcely knew how else to convey how seriously I was taking this, and how unhappy I was that she was not.
We stared at each other for a long moment. By the time she spoke again, I had managed to get myself a little more under control.
"I didn't know what to expect—but I definitely did not expect how…how…just wonderful and perfect it was." Her voice was quiet, and now she looked down at her lap. "I mean, I don't know how it was for you, but it was like that for me." I couldn't see her eyes, but her tone was…sad.
I was shocked. She thought…It was incomprehensible.
I lifted her chin with my finger, and spoke through clenched teeth, trying to retain my control. "Is that what you're worried about? That I didn't enjoy myself?"
She still kept her eyes away from mine, but I could see them glistening slightly.
"I know it's not the same. You're not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that."
I was stunned into silence. She actually thought that I hadn't enjoyed the experience. She actually thought that her human senses had picked up something more – something better – than mine had.
She had no idea. The intensity of the sensations…how they had been so overwhelming it had been nearly impossible not to completely lose myself in them. How I must have lost myself in them for her to be sitting here, covered in bruises. I hadn't known what to expect, but I hadn't expected the sheer bliss of the entire experience. Drinking human blood wasn't even comparable. It was nothing compared to what the previous night had been. Nothing at all.
I felt ashamed again, but now for a different reason. I had made her feel insecure. I had made her doubt how I felt about what had happened between us, after we had waited so long for it.
When she finally looked up at me again, I frowned at myself, trying to choose my words. "It seems that I have more to apologize for. I didn't dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't…" I struggled for an appropriate adjective, and came up empty. "…well, the best night of my existence. But I don't want to think of it that way, not when you were…"
She smiled slightly, looking hopeful. "Really? The best ever?" she asked quietly.
She had no idea. It was so adorable, so heartbreaking. I placed my hands on her cheeks and tried to explain further. "I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you. He had faith in me, thought – faith I didn't deserve."
She started to say something, but I stopped her by putting two fingers on her lips. I needed to get the rest of this out.
"I also asked him what I should expect. I didn't know what it would be for me…what with my being a vampire." I tried to smile a little. "Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else. He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part – you had already altered me so completely." It was easier to smile at that. It was so obviously true.
"I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure. Second only to drinking human blood." I hesitated for a fraction of a second, thinking again about that comparison. "But I've tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than that….I don't think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more."
"It was more. It was everything." Her eyes widened as she made the statement.
"That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way."
"What does that mean? Do you think I'm making this up? Why?"
For the same reason you always take everything upon yourself, for everyone, Bella, I thought. It's what you do. "To ease my guilt. I can't ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes."
I was a little startled when she suddenly grabbed my chin and leaned forward to look directly in my eyes. "You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn't even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. I've never been so happy in all my life – I wasn't this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me, or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me….Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio" – that particular memory made me flinch, but she pressed ahead – "or when you said 'I do' and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest moments I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it."
It was quite a speech for Bella, but I wasn't quite sure I was convinced. She had too much of a history of downplaying the danger.
Nevertheless…I didn't want to spend our honeymoon arguing with her. Despite the bruises, she truly hadn't looked upset before – whereas now she did.
I pressed a fingertip gently against the crease in her brow. "I'm making you unhappy now. I don't want to do that."
"Then don't you be unhappy. That's the only thing that's wrong here."
Not quite. But I still didn't want to argue any more. And I would have plenty of time to curse myself later for having agreed to any of this.
I took a deep breath and prepared to shake it off. Or at least to pretend to do so, for her sake. "You're right," I nodded. "The past is past and I can't do anything to change it. There's no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy now."
She gave me a searching look, so I forced a smile.
"Whatever makes me happy?" she asked slowly. I could almost hear the gears in her mind click, trying to think of a way to turn that to her advantage. Fortunately, her stomach growled again at the same time. Saved by the growl.
I slid out of the bed quickly. "You're hungry."
Unfortunately, my movement stirred up a cloud of the ridiculous feathers. Bella glanced around herself, taking in the extent to which they'd migrated all over the bed linens.
"So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme's pillows?" She shook her head, and more feathers fell from her hair.
I ran a hand through my own hair, and set a few more feathers floating through the air. "I don't know if I decided to do anything last night," I muttered darkly. It occurred to me how much worse all of this would have been if I'd bit her instead. "We're just lucky it was the pillows and not you." I had stopped myself from drinking her blood once previously, but that had been in a very different set of circumstances, life or death, with Carlisle right there, and not in the throes of…. Who knows what would have happened in a moment of lost control?
I shivered at the thought, but forced another smile to my face. As I did, Bella slipped out from under the sheets herself and stretched.
I couldn't suppress a gasp of horror, and had to clench my fists to keep from losing it completely.
It wasn't just her arms, or even her upper body – it was her entire body. Covered in black and blue marks. Caused by me. I had done that. The revulsion rose up in my throat like bile.
"Do I look that hideous?" she asked lightly, almost joking.
I had turned away so she wouldn't see my face, and now sucked in a breath instead of speaking, forcing myself to refrain from starting another argument. Her attempt at a joke in this, of all situations, nearly sent me over the edge.
She walked past me and into the bathroom, stopping before the full length mirror. Still completely naked, she gazed at her reflection for a long moment, assessing the damage. I raced over to her when I heard her groan. "Bella?"
"I'll never get this all out of my hair!" she exclaimed, pointing at the feathers stuck amongst her now tousled waves. She started picking them out with a sigh.
Good grief. Of all the things to worry about. "You would be worried about your hair," I muttered, but stepped up behind her to help.
"How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous."
Because there's nothing whatsoever humourous about this situation, I thought, but said nothing. She knew how I felt.
After a few minutes trying to pluck the feathers out by hand, she shook her head. "This isn't going to work. It's all dried in. I'm going to have to try to wash it out." She turned around and gave me a sly smile, wrapping her arms around me. "Do you want to help me?"
Oh, Bella. I couldn't even respond to that. I had thought she knew how I felt. I carefully pulled away. "I'd better find some food for you," I said quietly, and headed for the kitchen. I had hoped that now, after she'd seen the very real damage for herself, she'd be more reasonable about this subject than she had been before we were married. Apparently not.
Within twenty minutes, I had breakfast ready for the human, and she had emerged from the shower, hair wet and clad in a plain white sun dress. I heard her stomach growl loudly when she joined me in the kitchen and couldn't help but smile. I loved her little human foibles. I would miss them so much.
"Here," she sat down at the small table as I set a plate in front of her. I was just as happy to be done with it. While I'd been determined to learn some cooking for her, the smell almost made me gag.
I was surprised at how vigourously she dug into the plate, barely waiting for it to stop sizzling from the frying pan. "I'm not feeding you often enough."
She swallowed a large mouthful and glanced up as I sat down across from her. "I was asleep. This is really good, by the way. Impressive for someone who doesn't eat."
"Food Network," I smiled. It wasn't all that difficult to simply follow directions. I couldn't understand why Charlie had always had such trouble cooking for himself.
"Where did the eggs come from?"
"I asked the cleaning crew to stock the kitchen. A first, for this place." They'd actually been a little surprised by the request, given that no one who had ever stayed here before had ever asked for groceries. Nor had there ever been any sign that anyone had ever used the kitchen. I was probably the first to have dirtied a dish. "I'll have to ask them to deal with the feathers…" I shifted my gaze across the room as I said it, not wanting to get Bella thinking about last night again any more than I wanted to think of it myself. Of course, there was nothing wrong with the memory of last night itself…if anything, it was too good. But I couldn't think of it that way. Not after seeing the results this morning.
Bella smiled once she had finished eating. "Thank you," she said lightly, and leaned across the table to kiss me. It was automatic to kiss her back, but it took only a moment for me to think of the bruises and pull away.
She grimaced. "You aren't going to touch me again while we're here, are you?"
I knew what she meant, but reached out to stroke her cheek gently. Of course I would touch her. But only in the ways that were one hundred percent sure not to hurt her.
She leaned her face into my palm but gave me a reproachful look. "You know that's not what I meant."
I paused a moment, settling back in my chair. "I know. And you're right." She was going to make me say it. Fine, then. I would. Maybe then she'd take me seriously. "I will not make love with you until you've been changed. I will never hurt you again."
She opened her mouth to argue, but I ended the conversation by getting up to take her plate to the sink. This was not negotiable. I could not be the cause of another moment's pain.