Bella did not make my decision easy.
To be fair, it wouldn't have been easy anyway. While there was lots to do during the day while Bella was awake, when she slept I had hours to think. Hours upon hours.
No matter how hard I tried, it was impossible to keep my mind from going back to the other night, our first night here. Every kiss, every touch, every sensation…with my vampire memory, every second was as vivid as if it had happened only moments ago. Remembering but trying not to remember, wanting to act on the memories but forcing myself not to, all while my wife slept right beside me, soft and beautiful in my arms…it was enough to cause me physical pain.
Before we were married I didn't know what I was missing, so it was easier to resist it.
Now that I knew exactly what it was like, so far beyond my wildest expectations, it was much, much harder. In the darkness of the long night time hours, I couldn't keep my mind from not only the memories, but also thoughts of what we hadn't done, what there still was to do, to try.
I may have been personally inexperienced, but I had still been around a long time. I had read a lot, and seen every day into the minds of others. Humans were often preoccupied by sex, even when they were doing mundane things like filling their cars with gas, or standing in line to pay at the grocery store. That fact had generally made Bella's impatient human hormones understandable, if still torturous.
But now that I knew first hand why they thought so often about the things they did…my self-control hung by a thread, every single moment of every single day.
To make matters worse, on this tropical island, with the heat – and, admittedly, confined to the wardrobe Alice had packed for her – Bella dressed rather differently than she did in Forks. Airy sundresses, camisoles, tank tops, shorts…small bikinis…filmy nightgowns…The visuals did not aid my resolve. In cold, rainy Forks, where layers of long clothing were only practical, it was a much simpler thing not to get lost in gazing at her soft curves, the expanses of her pale, perfect skin.
Here, where they were so plainly revealed, they reminded me even more forcefully of our one short night together as husband and wife. And made me want to see more, touch more, kiss more…
It was only the bruises – fading now, but still more than obvious, especially in such tiny clothes – that kept me from reaching out. Each one was like a stinging slap in the face. If I felt the desire rising too strongly, all I had to do was have a good, long look at one of those bruises and it were as if I'd been thrown into an ice cold shower.
Especially the bruises that were so clearly shaped – God forgive me – like my own fingers.
On top of these things, however, which were torture enough, Bella was relentless, actively trying to persuade me to change my mind with her words and her actions. If I didn't keep her on the go, she looked for excuses to snuggle against me, to touch me and kiss me, making it more and more difficult to retain my control. When that didn't work, she simply tried to talk me into it.
But I couldn't. I wouldn't. I had hurt her once. It wasn't going to happen again. If it drove us both to the edge of insanity, we were going to wait. End of story.
It added to the large pile of my regrets that my tenuous ability to rigidly cling to my resistance of her seemed to make her think it was easy for me to do so. Not only did that make me worry that she would doubt herself and doubt the depths of my affection for her, it made her that much more relentless in her efforts to convince me, and careless in the way she dressed, the way she touched me.
I even thought about trying to tell her exactly how difficult it really was so that she might ease up a little. But then I worried that if she knew how close to the edge I was, she'd really throw herself into her campaign to change my mind.
So I was caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place – no pun intended.
Thankfully, there really was a lot to see and do on this exquisite island. We both enjoyed the fact that we could both roam freely in the sunlight, unconcerned about the appearance of my skin. We hiked and explored, we swam, we viewed the local wildlife – at least when I was stealthy enough not to scare the creatures away before we got too close.
I kept Bella as busy as I possibly could.
I also had some good fortune in that all of the fresh air and sunlight seemed to keep her too hungry and too exhausted to argue with me much. At the end of each day, I made her large, elaborate meals and she ate everything I put in front of her, with gusto. After eating, when it was time to retire for the night, she was only able to try and debate with me and make advances toward me for a few minutes before she fell soundly asleep.
Once asleep, she stayed asleep, for longer periods than she ever had at home, when there was work and school and other obligations to attend to.
The nights were long for me as I was left only with my own tortured thoughts, wrestling between my desperate desire for something resembling a normal physical relationship with my wife and the gut-wrenching fear of hurting her again, the self-loathing caused by having done so once already. But I was nevertheless grateful in some perverse way for the hours I didn't need to concentrate so hard on keeping her distracted.
Unfortunately, Bella's determination never really flagged.
One night, about a week after we had arrived at the island, I was lying in bed waiting for her to finish her evening human moment in the bathroom. We had moved into the second-largest bedroom after the first night, since the white room was still full of feathers and the cleaning crew wasn't due to arrive until the next day. This room was darker, decorated in a deep blue with dark wood panelling. I knew Esme preferred the airy white, but I tended to like this room, and found it cozier.
Bella seemed to take longer in the bathroom than usual. When she finally emerged, I glanced up – and nearly gasped out loud.
She had taken to trying out the lingerie collection Alice had packed for her. It was uncharacteristic, but, again, it was really all there was in her suitcase to choose from. Besides, I knew that it was part of her strategy to try and entice me with the silky nightgowns, each shorter and more revealing than the last. But to her chagrin, I'm sure, I was strong enough to avoid reacting to any of them. It took some doing, but I managed.
Tonight, however, she had outdone herself.
Tonight's selection was black and lacy, more revealing yet than any of its predecessors. It included a tiny pair of black thong underwear, with a filmy, see-through nightgown of sorts over top. Every line, every curve of Bella's body was readily apparent underneath. The lace kept only the minimum to the imagination – somehow making it more alluring than if she weren't wearing anything at all. Frankly, it was outstanding.
And intolerable.
Luckily, I got my expression under control within a fraction of a second.
She was undeterred. She walked slowly toward the bed, giving me time to absorb the sight, then turned around so I could see it from every angle. "What do you think?"
I found my voice quickly, though I had to clear my throat to do it. I fought to make my tone casual. "You look beautiful. You always do."
Her nose crinkled slightly in obvious irritation. "Thanks," she muttered, climbing into bed beside me. I reached out to pull her close as I had every night, so that my skin would keep her cool enough to sleep.
When she was settled, she stifled a yawn but spoke anyway. "I'll make you a deal."
I knew where this was going. She'd tried pleading and even grousing at me the last few days. This was obviously the next arrow in her quiver. "I will not make any deals with you." Look where our last deal had gotten us.
"You haven't even heard what I'm offering."
"It doesn't matter."
I heard her sigh. "Dang it. And I really wanted…Oh well."
I rolled my eyes as she let her voice trail off, clearly trying to get me to take the bait. I waited, expecting her to finish her thought. I hated it, but she had managed to pique my curiosity. She so seldom said she wanted anything. I always had to make myself crazy trying to get her to accept something from me, even the tiniest of trinkets.
She closed her eyes and yawned.
Damn it. She was going to fall asleep and not tell me. She so seldom wanted anything. I was dying to know what on earth it was, even if it led to another impossible debate about how we were not having sex again until she was changed.
She continued to let me wait.
Damn it. Dangerous creature…
I clenched my teeth and asked the question. "All right. What is it you want?"
I could have sworn she was fighting back a smile.
"Well, I was thinking…" she began, as if she hadn't already planned out this entire conversation. No wonder she'd been so long in the bathroom tonight. "I know that the whole Dartmouth thing was just supposed to be a cover story, but honestly, one semester of college probably wouldn't kill me. Charlie would get a thrill out of Dartmouth stories, I bet. Sure , it might be embarrassing if I can't keep up with all the brainiacs. Still…eighteen, nineteen. It's really not such a big difference. It's not like I'm going to get crow's feet in the next year."
If I'd had blood in my veins, my blood pressure would surely have shot through the roof. This was the most shamelessly devious thing she'd tried yet. She was turning my own words against me, offering the one thing – the one thing other than our marriage itself – that she knew I wanted more than anything else in the world. More human time.
A long moment passed as I struggled to get my anger under control. I didn't want to fight with her on our honeymoon. I didn't. But this…
"You would wait," I finally said in a low voice. "You would stay human."
She said nothing, clearly waiting for me to cave in instantaneously.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I growled suddenly through still-clenched teeth. "Isn't it hard enough without all of this?" I grabbed the hem of the lacy nightgown she wore and had to restrain myself from tearing it to pieces. She was determined to torture me to death. It was too much. It was bordering on cruel.
With considerable effort, I reminded myself that she didn't know how difficult the past week had been for me. I had very carefully kept it hidden so she wouldn't try and use it to her advantage. She was simply…desperate. For me. My bride simply wanted to enjoy the benefits of being married. To me.
It was hard to stay angry with that realization in front of me. I allowed my hand to relax and let go of the scant fabric. Once again marshalling my self-control, I sighed. "It doesn't matter. I won't make any deals with you."
"I want to go to college."
"No, you don't. And there is nothing that is worth risking your life again. That's worth hurting you."
"But I do want to go," she insisted. "Well, it's not college as much as it's that I want—I want to be human a little while longer."
Now that was ridiculous. I knew she wanted to go to college about as much as she wanted to be bathed in fire ants, but to try and say she suddenly wanted to stay human…
I closed my eyes and exhaled heavily, once again back to digging for my last shreds of patience. "You are making me insane, Bella. Haven't we had this argument a million times, you always begging to be a vampire without delay?"
"Yes, but…well, I have a reason to be human that I didn't have before."
"What's that?" As if I didn't know the answer.
"Guess," she said, pulling herself up on one elbow so she could lean over to kiss me. Of course.
As always, I kissed her back…gently, chastely. I didn't want to hurt her by rejecting her entirely, but she wasn't going to get her own way. Not on this.
After a brief moment, I pulled her away and held her to my bare chest. I had to give her an 'A' for effort this time.
"You are so human, Bella." I chuckled. "Ruled by your hormones."
"That's the whole point, Edward," she retorted. "I like this part of being human. I don't want to give it up yet. I don't want to wait through years of being a blood-crazed newborn for some part of this to come back to me."
She was trying to sound convincing, but couldn't stifle her yawn. I smiled at the fact that her very humanness was going to foil her attempt to stay awake and convince me how much she was enjoying her humanness.
"You're tired. Sleep, love." I started to hum her lullaby, hoping that would soothe her a little.
Instead, she grumbled. "I wonder why I'm so tired. That couldn't be part of your scheme or anything."
I chuckled, but continued humming, admitting nothing.
"For as tired as I've been, you'd think I'd sleep better," she grumbled some more.
I hesitated, surprised. As far as I had been able to tell, she'd been sleeping more soundly than she ever had in the entire time I'd known her. She wasn't even talking as she usually did. "You've been sleeping like the dead, Bella. You haven't said a word in your sleep since we got here. If it weren't for the snoring, I'd worry you were slipping into a coma."
She frowned slightly. "I haven't been tossing? That's weird. Usually I'm all over the bed when I'm having nightmares. And shouting."
That one really surprised me. "You've been having nightmares?" I looked at her with concern, reading her face to see if this was another tactic of some kind.
"Vivid ones." She appeared to be telling the truth. "They make me so tired." She yawned, as if punctuating the point. "I can't believe I haven't been babbling about them all night."
"What are they about?"
"Different things—but the same, you know, because of the colors."
"Colors?"
"It's all so bright and real. Usually, when I'm dreaming, I know that I am. With these, I don't know I'm asleep. It makes them scarier."
Scarier? I thought. It was intolerable to hear that she felt the least bit scared here, in my arms, the safest place in the world for her. "What is frightening you?"
She shuddered. "Mostly…"
"Mostly?"
She hesitated slightly, apparently not wanting to say it. Finally, she whispered: "The Volturi."
Ugh. That. Them.
I clutched her carefully, but more tightly to my chest. At least it wasn't something we couldn't deal with. "They aren't going to bother us anymore. You'll be immortal soon, and they'll have no reason." I hoped my voice was reassuring, but she looked unconvinced. "What can I do to help?"
She relaxed her shoulders, which she had been holding tensely against me. "They're just dreams, Edward." Trying to be strong for me.
"Do you want me to sing to you? I'll sing all night if it will keep the bad dreams away."
"They're not all bad. Some are nice. So…colorful. Underwater, with the fish and the coral. It all seems like it's really happening—I don't know that I'm dreaming. Maybe this island is the problem. It's really bright here."
We could fix that easily enough. "Do you want to go home?"
"No. No, not yet. Can't we stay awhile longer?" She seemed anxious at the thought of leaving.
"We can stay as long as you want, Bella."
"When does the semester start? I wasn't paying attention before."
I sighed heavily and started to hum her lullaby again. We weren't going back to that silliness tonight.
Fortunately, she fell asleep before she could ask me for a second time.
* * *
I spent the next hour or so mulling over the fact that Bella had been dreaming about the Volturi. I loathed the fact that they had caused her even the briefest moment of unease, much less that they permeated her subconscious. I loathed the fact that they had power over any of us at all.
But that was the reality of it. If I were ever going to find a shred of peace in this existence, I was going to have to learn to stop flagellating myself for things so far beyond my control. You would think I'd have learned the skill of acceptance over the past ninety years.
Things really would be so much simpler for us after Bella became a vampire. The Volturi would pose no threat to her any longer. She wouldn't have nightmares about them – she wouldn't need to sleep in the first place.
And then, of course, there was the fact that we would finally be equals in strength and ability. Our bodies would be the same, with everything that would mean for our relationship.
Yet I would miss her humanity so much. I buried my nose in her dark hair, breathing deeply of her sweet, human scent and enjoying every millisecond, despite the burn in my throat that inevitably followed.
Of course, her scent made me think of other things, and I glanced rather helplessly down at her, asleep in my arms. Her right leg was hitched up over mine, and her skin glowed tantalizingly in the moonlight. She had kicked off the blanket some time before, so I was left with the sight of the lines of her slender body under the flimsy black lace. At least once she was changed, we wouldn't find ourselves in this situation again. Thank God.
It was terribly selfish, but in that sense, I really did look forward to the time I wouldn't have to be so paralyzed by the fear of breaking her in half. I thought of Emmett and Rosalie and their earliest years together…some of the things that I couldn't help but have heard coming from their room at times they hadn't lived separately in a house of their own. I wouldn't mind being able to smash some furniture with my wife.
The thought brought a smile to my face as I considered the possibilities.
So…many…possibilities.
It was dark, the night was long, I had been good the past week…Without really deciding to do so, I permitted my mind to wander down that road for a while. Even the idea of kissing Bella without restraint, not worrying about my teeth or my venom…it left me a little light-headed. Warm, even. There were so many ways I wanted to make love to her…
I hadn't realized I was doing it, but as my mind raced along this path, vividly remembering the other night and turning it into visions of the future, I was gently tracing my hand up and down Bella's back, over the fabric of her nightgown. When she suddenly moved, gasping awake, it startled the hell out of me.
Quickly gathering my wits, I shook her a little, hoping to make her realize where she was. "Bella? Are you all right, sweetheart?"
"Oh!" She gasped again and sat up. All of a sudden, she was in tears.
Another nightmare! "Bella! What's wrong?" I tried to brush the tears from her cheeks, but as I did so fresh ones took their place.
"It was only a dream," she murmured to herself, but her voice broke.
"It's okay, love, you're fine. I'm here." I tried rocking her back and forth in my arms but was finding it difficult to be very soothing. I had been taken completely off guard, and was still half back in my own mental world. "Did you have another nightmare?" I asked. "It wasn't real, it wasn't real."
"Not a nightmare," she replied, swiping at her eyes impatiently. "It was a good dream," she added, but her voice broke into a sob once again.
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because I woke up!" she wailed, and threw her arms around my neck as she sobbed against me.
I laughed a little, but not because it was funny. It was odd. She was upset by her dream somehow, yet sad that she had woken. "Everything's all right, Bella. Take deep breaths." I wasn't quite sure what else to say.
"It was so real! I wanted it to be real!"
I couldn't imagine what on earth she was talking about. "Tell me about it. Maybe that will help."
"We were on the beach…" she began, then trailed off to look at me, studying my face in the darkness.
"And?"
She blinked against the tears in her eyes, still staring at me. "Oh, Edward…"
Her voice was agonized. I had no idea what in her head had caused this reaction, but I wanted desperately to stop it. She sounded like her heart was breaking. "Tell me, Bella!" I hoped that if she explained, there would be something, anything I could do.
Instead of answering, in a flash she had thrown her arms back around my neck and pressed her mouth to mine, kissing me feverishly. Once again I was taken off guard, this time by the sheer intensity of it. I couldn't help kissing her back, but it took only a moment for me to recognize that it was too intense. Over the line.
Gently, I pried her away. "No, Bella." I eyed her carefully, trying to figure out what had gotten into her.
As quickly as she had thrown her arms around me she dropped them, her hands falling into her lap. A fresh round of tears spilled down her cheeks and she gasped another sob. "I'm s-s-s-orry…" she stuttered.
Oh, God. Now I had made her cry by saying no. I couldn't stand it. After the disaster following her eighteenth birthday, I had sworn up and down I would never make her cry again, no matter what I had to do. Yet here we were.
I clutched her to my chest in horror and desperation. I had made her cry over this.
My voice was a moan of anguish. "I can't, Bella, I can't!" I couldn't let her cry, but I couldn't give her what she wanted, either. I could feel my dead heart shattering in my chest.
"Please. Please, Edward?" she pleaded, her face buried in my skin.
And now she was pleading with me. Pleading with me to do something to stop her tears.
Something in me snapped. I couldn't stand it. I couldn't stand any of it, not for a moment longer.
With a low groan, I pulled her face back up to mine and pressed my lips to hers.
Perhaps sensing the long-awaited victory, Bella once again threw her arms around my neck, grasping her fingers together in an attempt to make sure I couldn't escape. Her mouth was feverish against mine, frantic with the intensity of her passion. Given the night that I'd been having before she'd woken, it was more than enough to ignite my smoldering desire into a full-fledged fire. My hands were in her hair, locking her face to me as we kissed.
Somewhere in the back of my mind, I was still conscious that this time I couldn't hold her too tightly, not for a moment. I had to find some way to keep my focus, to ensure I didn't make a mistake.
I reached out for the first thing that wasn't Bella's flesh – the flimsy nightgown. A handful of lace in each hand, I yanked it apart with more force than was necessary, channelling my strength into the effort. It shredded like it were made out of wet tissue paper, and I tossed it to the foot of the bed.
That was it. That was the answer. When the sensations got to be too much, I just needed to find a place other than Bella's body to channel them.
Her kisses were still feverish, burning with urgency. One of us had to dial this back, and I knew it was going to have to be me.
Not wanting her to think that I was stopping altogether, when I pulled my mouth away from hers, I placed a hand on her back and gently eased her down onto the mattress, my gaze locked on hers. I hovered over her on one elbow and ran a hand down the length of her body, from her shoulder down to her waist. She was glass…a soap bubble, I thought to myself, concentrating on using only the slightest touch. I allowed my palm to trace its way back up to her neck, over her flat stomach, her belly button, her abdomen, over one perfect breast and then up to cup her chin. Softly, ever so softly, I bent to kiss her again.
She lunged at me in response, throwing her arms around my neck with all of her strength for the third time tonight.
I pulled back an inch or two and placed a finger over her lips, then tilted her face to the side so I could brush my lips over the soft skin under her left ear. I traced my way down her jaw to her chin, then tilted her face to the other side so I could trace back up to her right ear. When I finally moved back to her mouth, my kiss was soft as a whisper.
I was trying to show her how this had to go tonight if it were going to go at all, and hoped she was getting the message. The unfamiliarity of the experience our first night here had made it all too easy to slip and get carried away, but now that I knew what to expect, I was determined to keep my focus. I had to consider it a matter of life or death. Bella's.
Thankfully, she caught on to what I was doing fairly quickly, and appeared to be trying to do her best to cooperate. Her fear of causing me to pull away altogether was likely my best ally in that regard. Since she allowed me to take the lead, I could set the pace in a way that permitted me to concentrate.
Not that there weren't still moments where that became extremely difficult. Sometimes Bella couldn't seem to help herself from clutching at me too tightly, trying to hurry me along, practically attacking me in her enthusiasm. At one point, when I grabbed her wrists in one of my hands and held them over her head on the bed so she would calm down a little, she apparently found that twice as exciting and thrashed against me even more.
At other times, my own reactions got away from me and I found myself reaching once again for the first thing that wasn't Bella's flesh – this time, the wooden headboard. It splintered with the force of my grip when the moment came where I carefully pushed inside her, and I had to pause, gasping, shaking my head against the fog of bliss that threatened to take me over. My muscles trembled with the effort of holding back as I thought soap bubble, soap bubble over and over.
But it was still the greatest pleasure I had ever known, that I could ever imagine. Some part of my brain cursed me for wasting the last seven days and not having found some way to do this sooner.
And there were more instances of splintering wood. Oddly, Bella didn't seem to notice that at all as we moved together, but was instead absorbed in my kisses, and where my hands caressed her soft body. Even as we both reached our ending and a handful of wood came away in my hand with a loud crack, she didn't bat an eye – although, admittedly, her eyes had rolled back in her head with such force that she probably couldn't have batted an eye at that moment if she'd wanted to.
Her breathing was ragged, panting as I tossed the hunk of wood to the floor next to the bed, and reached up to put my palms on either side of her face so I could kiss her, again and again. I was still trembling a little myself, but I felt…ecstatic. Not only could I feel the relaxed, satiated euphoria settle in that I recognized from the other night, but I was almost certain this time that nothing had gone wrong. As soon as I felt like I could move, I started to pull away so that I could check for sure.
Bella tightened her grip around my shoulders. "No," she insisted, still out of breath. She was looking at me with wide eyes, demanding that I not go anywhere.
I chuckled. All right. I could wait. There was no rush. But I made sure none of my weight was crushing against her by raising my upper body a little. Fortunately, this also made it easier to reach her mouth with mine.
Long moments passed as we simply kissed each other, breaking apart only far enough to rub our cheeks or noses against each other gently, or to kiss some other spot on each other's face or neck. Of course, I was more than ready within a few minutes to make love again, but decided not to push our luck until I could be one hundred percent sure there wasn't a single new bruise on Bella's body.
In any event, as her heart rate gradually evened out and the flush in her cheeks subsided, I could tell she was sliding back into sleep, whether she wanted to or not. Eventually, she could resist it no longer, and her eyelids slipped closed.
Careful not to wake her, I rolled to her side. The sky was clear so the moon and stars were bright tonight, casting even more light in the window than my vampire eyes would need to look Bella over. To my profound relief, the only marks I could see where those that were yellowing and fading from a week ago. I knew the next few hours would tell for sure, though, so I gently pulled her onto my chest to wait.
My still heart sung when she sighed in her sleep and nestled closer. "Edward…love you so much."
I smiled and kissed the top of her head. "As I do you, my Bella."
For the first time in a week I felt very hopeful.
* * *
I was stretched out enjoying the feel of the sun on my skin when Bella finally woke up the next morning. Even though she didn't open her eyes right away, I could tell she was awake from the fact that her heart, previously beating in a slow and steady rhythm as she slept, started to pick up speed. I could imagine what she was nervous about and was rather amused.
Slowly, she opened her eyes and raised herself up on an elbow so she could look down into my face. "How much trouble am I in?" she asked meekly.
Trouble. Now that her eyes were open, I was surprised she couldn't see the fact that I was still practically glowing from the night before. Trouble was the farthest thing from my mind.
"Heaps," I said teasingly, and turned to give her a little smile.
She exhaled heavily and her heart rate started to slow. "I am sorry. I didn't mean…Well, I don't know exactly what that was last night."
Who cares? I almost laughed, given the end result -- but the memory of her heartbroken tears kept it from being a laughing matter.
"You never did tell me what your dream was about."
"I guess I didn't—but I sort of showed you what it was about," she replied with a nervous chuckle.
"Oh." I took that in for a moment, remembering the way she had lunged at me, and how she had kissed me. That must have been some dream. I suddenly regretted not being able to sleep if that sort of thing were possible. "Interesting."
"It was a very good dream," she said quietly. An understatement, it would appear. "Am I forgiven?"
"I'm thinking about it," I told her. As if I could really be angry with her for anything, much less that.
She started to sit up, but suddenly fell back against the pillows. "Whoa…head rush."
I put my arms around her to steady her. "You slept for a long time. Twelve hours."
"Twelve?" she repeated incredulously, but seemed to be more occupied with scanning her arms and torso. I knew she was looking for new bruises, and also knew that she would find none. Careful not to wake her, I had looked over every inch of her once the sun had started to come up. My sense of relief had been so profound, I had almost woken her up myself to tell her about it.
"Is the inventory complete?" I asked as she stretched her arms above her head.
She nodded, but looked embarrassed. "The pillows all appear to have survived."
True, there were no feathers this time. "Unfortunately, I can't say the same for your…er…nightgown." I nodded my head toward the foot of the bed where I had tossed the bits of lace the night before.
"That's too bad. I liked that one."
"I did, too." Yes, I certainly did. The memory of how it had looked brought a surge of warmth to my stomach.
"Were there any other casualties?"
"I'll have to buy Esme a new bed frame," I told her, looking over my shoulder toward the spot where I had torn chunks of wood from the headboard.
"Hmm. You'd think I would have heard that," she said with a slight frown as she took the sight in.
Another surge of warmth crept over me as a vision of what had occupied her attention instead swept through my mind. "You seem to be extraordinarily unobservant when your attention is otherwise involved."
She blushed. "I was a bit absorbed."
I reached out to stroke her cheek and sighed. "I'm really going to miss that." Despite all the ways that our lives would be so much easier once she was changed, the thought of it still depressed me. I wasn't sure I would ever get over how much I hated the idea of ending her human life.
We stared at each other for a moment. What I wouldn't give to be able to read her thoughts, just for a moment, I thought for the millionth time. It was just lucky I had gotten to know her well enough to get some idea from her facial expressions – and that she wasn't particularly good at dissembling.
"How are you feeling?" she asked finally.
I laughed. The expression on her face now was unmistakeable – like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar.
"What?"
"You look so guilty—like you've committed a crime," I teased.
"I feel guilty," she muttered, looking away.
"So you seduced your all-too-willing husband. That's not a capital offense."
She blushed again. "The word seduced implies a certain amount of premeditation."
I wouldn't have believed it wasn't premeditated, except for the fact that she had woken from a sound sleep and had such a strange reaction to her dream. "Maybe that was the wrong word."
"You're not angry?" she asked hopefully.
I smiled a little. "I'm not angry." Rather far from it, really…but I didn't want to be too overtly enthusiastic. There was still a very great need to be extremely careful, and I didn't want her to think those concerns had been alleviated.
"Why not?"
"Well…" I hesitated, trying to think of how to put it. "I didn't hurt you, for one thing. It was easier this time, to control myself, to channel the excesses." I glanced over at the damaged headboard. "Maybe because I had a better idea of what to expect."
She smiled broadly. "I told you that it was all about practice."
I rolled my eyes at her. Practice, maybe – but mostly an extraordinary exercise in self-control.
When Bella's stomach growled, I couldn't help laughing. "Breakfast time for the human?"
"Please." She jumped up to get out of bed, but swayed on her feet. In less than a blink of an eye, I was beside her, my arms around her to steady her again. It was odd that she was so dizzy this morning, but I tried not to look too concerned.
"Are you all right?"
"If I don't have a better sense of equilibrium in my next life, I'm demanding a refund."
I'd never seen an ungraceful vampire before, but with how prone to clumsiness Bella was, I was beginning to wonder if she would be the exception.
We walked to the kitchen together, but she insisted on cooking for herself this morning. I watched as she quickly fried some eggs and tipped them onto a plate despite the fact that they were still runny on top.
"Since when do you eat eggs sunny-side up?" I asked. Usually, she wanted them turned into some kind of omelette, or at least over easy – not that they weren't disgusting to me no matter which way they were presented.
"Since now," she barely grunted before stuffing a forkful of still-sizzling egg into her mouth. It reminded me a little of Emmett with a grizzly bear.
Mmm…grizzly bear. The thought caused a burn of thirst in my throat. It had been since the morning of the wedding that I had hunted, but I figured I could continue to put it off a little longer. It didn't appeal to me to leave Bella alone, not even for a few hours.
"Do you know how many eggs you've gone through in the last week?" I pulled out the garbage bin, which was almost full to the top with empty blue cartons. Now that I looked at them altogether that way, it really was incredible how much food she'd been going through. As a relatively small woman, Bella had never been a huge eater. Apparently all the fresh air and sunshine had made her ravenous.
And I would never mention it to her, of course, but my sharp eyes had already noticed that she appeared to have put on a few pounds, even in just over a week of eating like that. She looked slightly…fuller, all over. I certainly didn't think that was a bad thing, though. In my opinion, women in general had let themselves get far too skinny over the past forty years.
"Weird," she mumbled, still preoccupied with the contents of her plate. "This place is messing with my appetite. But I like it here. We'll probably have to leave soon, though, won't we, to make it to Dartmouth in time? Wow, I guess we need to find a place to live and stuff, too."
"You can give up the college pretense now—you've gotten what you wanted. And we didn't agree to a deal, so there are no strings attached." It was too bad that she didn't really want to go, since I actually thought she would enjoy it. Experiencing college life was important for a young person. I had always liked learning new things each time I had gone for another degree, and the humans always seemed to be having so much fun.
She snorted in response. "It wasn't a pretense, Edward. I don't spend my free time plotting like some people do." She sat up straighter in her chair and put a funny expression on her face as she tried to do her best Edward impression. "What can we do to wear Bella out today?"
I smiled at her lame attempt, but wasn't about to apologize for taking that strategy. Someone had to be the responsible one in this relationship.
She leaned closer to me across the table and started to run the palm of her hand down my bare chest. "I really do want a little more time being human. I have not had enough."
Her touch elicited a sudden punch of desire in me just as strong – if not stronger – than the earlier blaze of burning thirst I had felt. Every memory of last night flashed through my mind.
Quickly, I suppressed both a gasp and a shudder. No matter how much I wanted to, I absolutely could not throw all caution and control to the wind.
I caught hold of her hand just as it reached my stomach. "For this?" I asked with mock incredulity. "Sex was the key all along? Why didn't I think of that? I could have saved myself a lot of arguments."
"Yeah, probably," she laughed.
"You are so human."
"I know."
I couldn't help but start to break into a grin. "We're going to Dartmouth? Really?"
"I'll probably fail out in one semester."
"I'll tutor you. You're going to love college."
"Do you think we can find an apartment this late?"
I hesitated. For whatever silly reason, she always hated me spending what she felt was too much money. But accommodations were a basic need…surely she couldn't argue about that.
"Well," I began carefully, scanning her face for a reaction. "We sort of already have a house there. You know, just in case."
"You bought a house?"
"Real estate is a good investment."
She raised an eyebrow, but thankfully didn't protest. "So we're ready, then."
"I'll have to see if we can keep your 'before' car for a little longer…"
"Yes, heaven forbid I not be protected from tanks," she retorted. "How much longer can we stay?"
"We're fine on time. A few more weeks, if you want. And then we can visit Charlie before we go to New Hampshire. We could spend Christmas with Renee…."
A reflective look crossed her face, but I couldn't tell what, specifically, she was thinking about. So frustrating….
"A few weeks," she finally said with a nod, then gave me a sly smile. "So I was thinking—you know what I was saying about practice before?"
"Can you hold on to that thought?" I laughed. What a one-track mind she had once she fixated on something. But now…maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. "I hear a boat. The cleaning crew must be here. Let me explain the mess in the white room to Gustavo, and then we can go out. There's a place in the jungle on the south—"
Bella frowned. "I don't want to go out. I am not hiking all over the island today. I want to stay here and watch a movie."
I had to bite back a laugh at her pouty expression. "All right, whatever you'd like. Why don't you pick one out while I get the door?"
"I didn't hear a knock."
I cocked my head in the direction of the front door, and we both heard a rap on the wood. I gave Bella a grin and went to let the cleaning crew inside.
"Gustavo! Kaure! Please come in." I said enthusiastically in Portuguese when I opened the door for the two Brazilians.
Dear Jesus, still hasn't aged a day, was Kaure's immediate thought. A slight, dark-skinned woman in her mid-fifties, she and Gustavo had been coming to clean and maintain the house for Esme for quite a number of years. While Gustavo was less prone to suspicion and tended to think that our wealth and cushy American lifestyle were the reasons for the Cullens' continued youthful appearance, Kaure had been raised in a local Indian tribe and had her own views as to those reasons.
I knew from Kaure's thoughts and from what I had overheard her say to Gustavo in the past that she loathed coming here and feared for her life every moment, no matter how pleasantly she was treated and how safely she came and went every time. It was only the very generous salary that Esme paid and Kaure's large family that caused her to continue to agree to come back.
It was my own view that we would have been better off to switch up the cleaning staff every once in a while so that no one would notice things like the fact that we never seemed to age. However, Esme had said that it wasn't easy to find people on the mainland with ready access to transportation, and the willingness to travel across to the island. Besides that, Gustavo and Kaure were extremely good and extremely reliable.
I chose to ignore Kaure's fearful thoughts and pretend like I didn't notice the way she looked at me.
I led the way down the hall, chattering a little senselessly about how lovely the weather had been, with no sign of rain since we'd arrived. When we got to the living room, Bella was standing near the TV looking through the shelves of DVDs.
I gestured toward her and couldn't help but beam with pride as I introduced her. "This is the newest Cullen, my wife Bella," I explained in Portuguese. "We were married just over a week ago."
Gustavo smiled and gave Bella a polite nod, but Kaure's eyes widened as she quickly figured out that Bella was one hundred percent human. My God…wife? She can't possibly realize…why would he bring her here? What is he planning to do to her? Her expression was terrified.
The very idea that I would 'do' anything to deliberately harm Bella was insulting to say the least. With a deep breath, I ignored the urge to snarl at Kaure and chastise her for her assumption. Her reaction was the normal one, the appropriate one, being that she was very close to the truth in her suspicions about what the Cullens were. I couldn't fault her for being afraid of monsters, and I certainly couldn't fault her for her concern over my Bella.
Instead, I led the pair toward the white bedroom and started to give them my very lame pillow fight explanation for the mess of feathers.
After I had set them about their work, I eagerly returned to Bella's side and pulled her into my arms.
"What's with her?" she whispered immediately, and I knew she had seen the look on Kaure's face.
I shrugged. "Kaure's part Ticuna Indian. She was raised to be more superstitious—or you could call it more aware—than those who live in the modern world. She suspects what I am, or close enough. They have their own legends here. The Libishomen—a blood-drinking demon who preys exclusively on beautiful women."
"She looked terrified."
"She is—but mostly she's worried about you."
"Me?"
"She's afraid of why I have you here, all alone." I supposed in the scheme of things, despite the fact that I would never deliberately hurt Bella, Kaure's concern for Bella's safety wasn't far off the mark. The bruises had certainly not disappeared altogether. I chuckled humourlessly, and glanced at the DVDs. "Oh well, why don't you choose something for us to watch? That's an acceptably human thing to do."
"Yes, I'm sure a movie will convince her that you're human." With an all-too-carefree laugh, she wrapped her arms around my neck and stood on her tiptoes to kiss me. She was so trusting, so utterly unafraid. I knew I didn't deserve how much she loved me, but I was profoundly grateful for it. And compared to what I had just heard in Kaure's thoughts, it was wonderful to be treated like I was just…me.
I lifted her easily off her feet so that I wouldn't have to bend as far to kiss her. "Movie, schmovie," I heard her mutter as I traced my lips down her throat. She twined her fingers in my hair to make sure I didn't pull away.
Rather preoccupied, I didn't even notice that Kaure had returned to the room until both Bella and I heard her gasp behind us. She very clearly thought that she had caught me about to sink my teeth into Bella's neck for a mid-morning snack.
She was frozen in place, white feathers stuck in her hair and a bag of feathers in her arms, staring at us with her eyes wide in terror. She focused on Bella, but quickly realized that Bella was perfectly fine. "Excuse me," she muttered in Portuguese, and turned to continue down the hall.
"That's fine, Kaure. No problem at all," I replied, hoping I sounded both friendly and reassuring. She could think of me as a blood-sucking demon all she wanted, but I needed her to see that Bella was safe, and would continue to be safe.
When she was gone, Bella whispered, "She was thinking what I think she was thinking, wasn't she?"
I laughed. "Yes."
"Here." She quickly grabbed the first movie she could put her hands on. "Put this on and we can pretend to watch it."
It was one of those old musicals from the thirties which I actually quite liked. "Very honeymoonish."
We settled onto the sofa as the movie started, Bella nestled up against me. I wrapped my arms around her contentedly. My favourite place to be.
"Will we move back into the white room now?" she asked.
"I don't know….I've already mangled the headboard in the other room beyond repair—maybe if we limit the destruction to one area of the house, Esme might invite us back someday."
Bella turned to me with a wide grin. "So there will be more destruction?"
I laughed at the hopeful and enthusiastic look on her face. "I think it might be safer if it's premeditated, rather than if I wait for you to assault me again." I was confident I knew how to handle it now, and figured it would probably be even easier if I wasn't surprised by it in the middle of the night, after hours of being immersed in my own thoughts. Once again I suppressed a bit of a shiver.
"It would only be a matter of time," she admitted. Her tone was light, but her heart rate had already picked up speed.
"Is there something the matter with your heart?" I teased.
"Nope. Healthy as a horse." She raised an eyebrow at me. "Did you want to go survey the demolition zone now?"
"Maybe it would be more polite to wait until we're alone. You may not notice me tearing the furniture apart, but it would probably scare them." Actually, it would probably result in Kaure dashing in with a sharpened wooden stake.
Bella sighed a little. "Right. Drat."
She settled in and at least pretended to watch the movie as Gustavo and Kaure quickly and quietly went about their work. I was content to have her in my arms and gently stroke her hair. It was quite easy to get lost in that, and thoughts of the night before…
The movie was almost over by the time Gustavo entered the room to tell me that they were finished. I turned to thank him, noting that Kaure had already headed for the door without saying anything to us. At least her fear kept them efficient at getting everything done in record time. Gustavo nodded pleasantly and walked to the door to let himself out.
"They're finished."
"So that would mean that we're alone now?"
The one-track mind again. "How about lunch first?" I asked. I had already heard her stomach start to gurgle.
She hesitated and I knew that while she may have hated to admit it, she was hungry. I moved to get up and lead her to the kitchen.
After two tuna sandwiches (that smell was particularly revolting to me, I have to say), Bella pushed her plate away and straightened in her chair. She looked at the empty plate, considering how much she had just eaten once again. "This is getting out of hand."
"Do you want to swim with the dolphins this afternoon—burn off the calories?" I suggested.
"Maybe later. I had another idea for burning calories."
"And what was that?" After the complaint about hiking earlier, surely she wasn't going to suggest that.
"Well, there's an awful lot of headboard left—"
It took less than a fraction of a second for me to know where that thought was going, and I thanked my lucky stars for the one-track mind. In a flash, I had her up in my arms with my lips on hers as I carried her, half-sprinting, to the blue room.