Alice woke up early the next morning. A familiar nightmare visited her. Danny on the plane as it went down. Couldn't today just not happen? Just disappear. Danny could walk in the door and tell her everything was ok. That wasn't going to happen. Nothing would ever be ok again! No more giggling over daft stuff. No more tender hugs and kisses. Or sweet loving smiles. She found a song for him. She was gonna go and see him later and sing it to him. Just him and her. One of the last times she would go and see him for a while. Not that she didn't love him. It was because she did love him that she couldn't go and see him. It would be too easy to listen to the voice that tells her to join him. But she had her babies. More importantly they had to be ok because they were Danny's babies. His legacy. The best gift he could ever leave her. She couldn't dwell on his death. She had to celebrate his life. Be thankful for all the time they had together. All the love they shared. It just wasn't easy when she missed him so much.
After the service she was then going to sort and get rid of his clothes. Keep little mementos like his Scotland shirt she bought all those years ago. His favourite shirt and jeans. His watch for Daniel. His aftershave and comb. All his jewellery. One loss she mourned was his wedding ring. It was lain in some field. Under a cloud of dust and ash and rubble. She wanted that ring just slightly less than she wanted Danny. But no she didn't have either. Best for her to get rid of this stuff now. She didn't want to turn into a spinster. Depressed looking at clothes as time passed. She had to teach her kids that you can't live in the past but embrace the future. Even if that future included a life without the person who was the reason you lived and breathed.
So she dressed quickly and dropped the kids off at day care. Word had finally got around. The family had kept it quiet as long as they could but the news of his body arriving had spread and now the workers in the nursery were spewing how sorry they were and they were offering their sympathy. Well she didn't want it. Couldn't they see what they were doing to her bringing it up? How it was hard enough when insensitive people felt the need to say sorry. Or even worse the gossips who wanted to pip their friends, find out when and how. So they could be the winner. Like her husbands life. And death was a freaking game! She walked from the nursery. Walked into the biggest gossip of them all.
"Oh Alice I am So sorry!" she said snidely.
"Yeah thanks." she murmured tried to walk passed.
"It must be such a shock." Darlene asked.
"Yeah it was look I need to go." Alice said.
"I'm sorry I am only offering sympathy. And the townspeople want to know what happened. He was one of them after all."
Alice lost it.
"No you bitch. You wanna know to satisfy your morbid curiosity. Well I'm not gonna give you any details. This is a hard family time and we can do without having vultures like you hanging round trying to get the latest information now move or I'll move you myself!"
Darlene looked shocked and stepped aside. Alice stalked passed her. Slammed the door to her truck and beat her hands on the steering wheel. Started the car and drove. Stopped a few times as tears blurred her vision. Swiped at those tears and then drove again. Stupid insensitive people. All she wanted was to grieve her husband in peace. She couldn't handle thinking about what happened to him never mind discussing it.
(X)
Everyone was sat in the living room. Shauna had phoned her this morning. Telling her not to keep it in. To cry and bawl get it out of her system. That Danny was with her. In her memory and in their 3 gorgeous kids. And his spirit would be closer than ever today. Which of course had her crying which in turn made Shauna cry. She felt such guilt at not being able to make it over. Alice told her not to worry. Just say a prayer for him before she went to sleep. She promised that both he and her would be in her thoughts throughout the day. Her mother had phoned too. Again apologising for not being able to make it. Alice had told her the same as Shauna just say a prayer for him. Mrs Elliott had then told her how no doubt Danny was now getting all the gory details as he as a child from her mum. How they would both surround her today and shield her from the hardest parts. Alice had cried again. And laughed at the way Mrs Elliott had described the way her mum would treat Danny at first. No one good enough for my baby girl sort of thing. She'd said goodbye quickly. Dawdled in the surgery for far longer than necessary. Then saw her daughter sat in the living room with Dupe and Caroline and Missy and Nomsa.
"I'll be 5." she whispered and walked into her room.
Alice looked at the clothes. White. Not black. Danny liked black on himself but not her. He loved her in blues and whites and yellows. She sat on her bed and thoughts flew through her head. Wearing her skinny jeans. White cargo pants. Her wedding dress. Her dress to renew her vows that hadn't fit. Wearing his shorts and t-shirts when she was pregnant. All different types of clothes and he loved her in all of them. But never black. So she refused to wear black now. White like innocents. Like his kids. She wore white as a metaphor to his kids. She dressed and went to join her family. With his old eternity ring around her neck on a chain. She hadn't wore it in years. It took on a more significant meaning now. He had wore it on a chain when he she was gone and now she wore it on a chain with him gone. God just get me through today. That is ALL I ask! She pleaded.
(X)
The song played for Danny. It was view from heaven by yellow card. It had quiet an upbeat tempo which was strange due to the lyrical content. She knew Danny would have loved the song she picked . As the song played she mouthed the words. Had listened to the song over and over till she learned them. It fit her feelings exactly.
I'm just so tired
wont you sing me to sleep
and fly through my dreams
so I can hitch a ride with you tonight
and get away from this place
have a new name and face
I just aint the same without you in my life
late night drives, all alone in my car
I can't help but start
singing lines from all our favourite songs
and melodies in the air
singin life just aint fair
sometimes i still just can't believe you're gone
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven,
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here
feel your fire,
when its cold in my heart
and things sorta start
remindin' me of my last night with you
i only need one more day
just one more chance to say
i wish that i had gone up with you too
and I'm sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
down here
you wont be comin' back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say goodbye
and im sure the view from heaven
beats the hell out of mine here
and if we all believe in heaven
maybe we'll make it through one more year
i hope that all is well in heaven
cause it's all shot to hell down here
i hope that i find you in heaven
cause i'm so...lost without you down here
you wont be coming back
and i didn't get to say goodbye
i really wish i got to say gooooodbye
The service was well under way. Alice couldn't look at the box. Knowing her husband was in there. She focused on a spot in the bush. Imagined Danny was stood there smiling. Waving. Half believed it was true. The minister droned on about life after death and how he was in a better place and Alice wanted to scream that the best place was at her side. Alice was strong. Stoic. Bit her lip when she felt the tears coming. Poor Lexi was in pieces. Silently crying throughout. Well over 6 foot and Alice was stood there with her arm around her comforting her. Missy beside Alice.
"Miss, go on the other side of Lex yeah. She needs you more than me."
Missy nodded and went. Caroline was in tears. Nomsa too. Dupe comforted them both.
Danny was lowered into the ground. Alice held some things. The minister motioned she nodded and stepped forward.
"Ok honey here we are. A few things I thought you might need. First of all a map, coz u always get lost wherever we go."
People smiled.
Next pictures, I know you'll be able to see us in heaven but I want us to be close. And I hate the thought of you lonely. So there are us all."
People said aww and wiped their eyes.
"Lastly is a blanket coz you always complain in the winter that your….. That your…. I'm sorry!" she said breaking down. Missy came over and hugged her. Alice wiped her eyes and composed herself.
"Here is a blanket Danny honey. Coz you complain of the cold." Alice eventually said then knelt on the African ground. And dropped each one in. They hit the coffin with a thud. Closed her eyes and said a silent message to him.
"I love you Danny." she told him. Stood up and went to rejoin her family.
The minister performed a final blessing and everyone walked towards the house.
(X)
"Missy will it be possible for you to go and collect the twins from day care. Then I know you need too get back to your life in Glasgow." Alice said.
"Alice I can stay here for as long as I'm needed."
"I know but it's not fair of me to keep you from your business so long. I appreciate everything Miss but it's passed time. I'm ready. All I need is a hour alone with Danny this afternoon and then I'll be fine."
Missy nodded.
Alice grabbed her hi-fi and the tape she had made with this song. She was gonna sing it for him. Tell him good bye and then get on with trying to live without him. She could try. that's all!
Alice arrived at her husbands final resting place. Sat on the dusty ground in front of the cross which held a brass plaque.
"I think I mostly wanna say I love you always and will miss you. Then I'll sing my song. Give you the serious goodbye and then I'll go see to our kids huh."
The crickets played their tune. She pressed play and waited for the singer to start.
Things'll never be the same without you...
What did I do to deserve this
I didn't even get one last kiss, from you
Oh baby God took your love from me
He needed an angel so it seems
I need to feel your hands all over me
I need to feel you kissing me
I need to feel you holding me
I need to feel your touch
Cause I miss your love so much
And I can't keep on living this way
I need you here with me
Why could he take you away, from me
It's hard for me to tell you I love you
As I'm standing over your grave
And I know I'll never hear your voice again
Why did you leave me
Why couldn't you just stay
Because my world is nothin', without you
Now I don't know what to do, with myself
I would've given you anything
Just to make you happy
Just to hear you say, that you love me one last time
I'd go to hell and back over and over again
Just to prove to you how much I need you here
There is nothing that I wouldn't do
I'd cry for you I'd lie for you
And there's no doubt that if I could take your place in heaven
I would die for you, yes I will
I would rather give up my life
Than to see tears in your eyes
I can't stand to see you cry
Cause it's hard for me to tell you I love you
As I'm standing over your grave
And I know I'll never hear your voice again
Why did you leave me
Why couldn't you just stay babe
Because my world is nothin', without you
Now I don't know what to do, with myself
I just don't know what to do with myself
I cant stand looking at those pictures on my shelf
Knowing it was just one month ago, i stood there and took that picture
There's just one thing that I wanna know
Why would God want to hurt me so bad,
Does He know how much it hurts to be missing you
Baby Im missing you
Baby Im missing you
I love you oh
Why did he take you away... from me
"I know that my singing is well rubbish but I thought it meant more coming from me rather than having some stranger sing it. This song is my life at the minute. Every word is how I feel and I …" she exhaled. Promised herself she wouldn't cry anymore. "I just miss you darling and wat you back so much. I would do anything to have you back. I don't know if you know how much you truly meant to me."
She went silent thought about the last thing she would say to him. Maybe in forever. Who knew if she'd be able to visit him and be fine.
"Well Danny. I'm sat here in front of you. Really seriously wanting to die. Coz this pain that is coursing though me has so be the sort of pain you feel when you die. It's not a physical pain. That can be helped with tablets or sleep. This is a deep pain in the recesses of my heart. Which is gone now. Its with you wherever you are. Take care of it well coz when we meet again I want it back so until then MY Danny. We'll never forget you. And I'll try my best to make sure your babies know you. I will love you for all of eternity….and a day."
She stood up and left the grave. Feeling more alone then she had ever felt in her life.
A/N ok people my apologies 4 2 songs bt view from heaven is one of my fave songs eva and that missing you is jst so sad :'( and it just fit alice so well and i really couldn't decides so i thought wot the hell x thanks 4 reading more to cum x
A/N 2 sorry about the rubbishness of this chapter. it wasn't originally part of the story just typed straight up today as i heard the missing you song and decided to give danny a burial. i am so shattered so ignore the rubbishness please x