Hi, everybody. Sorry this installment took so long…all I can say is that in my opinion, math is the devil. Still don't own Avatar…so enjoy the story!
Escape From Hell's Gate part 2
You know your life's fucked up when...I can't help thinking, and nobody's saying a thing to distract me...nope, not a word. Not that I can blame Norm or Grace, total and deep despair tends to kind of hurt the conversational skill thing, but that could just be me.
Man, oh, man, when I decide to make a mistake, I mean, the mother of all mistakes, I have to admit, I go for big and bad. For a bonus, I usually drag other people along for the ride. Poor Tommy, when we were kids, I used to get us into all sorts of crap.
I remember one time in particular, maybe 'cause it was the last time. Our dad just beat the shit out of us, we'd stolen his car for a joyride before being, oh, I don't know, legally in a position where we could drive. I guess some crazy politician passed this law where you can't drive without a license and we were only fourteen. I kind of strong-armed Tommy into it, I swear, he wasn't half as nuts as me, which is probably a good thing.
Anyway, we had a good time...until we got busted. Now, we were pretty tough, could take and throw our punches. It's bad enough I had a nerd for a brother, I wasn't gonna have him be a wimp on top of it. But my old man used to box semi-professionally, and he was a strong SOB. Oh, don't get me wrong, he was all right as long as you didn't piss him off, but man, you got him mad...and that day, we pissed him off good. I think both of us were coughing up blood, crumpled up on the floor and my mom was screaming at him. "What if you'd landed them in the hospital Muhammad Ali? Ever think of that?" Think he just grunted and went out to his workshop. Nice thing about dad is once he got it out of his system, it was all good. The slate was clean, none of this walking on eggshells stuff a lot of my buddies had to deal with.
"Jake," Tommy groaned. "I have a deep and moved admiration for your talent at fucking up. Really, it's like watching an artist work. All the same, I think I'll admire it from a long, long, long, distance." He coughed again, his face looking like hamburger, mine probably did, too. "So, do me a favor, oh, please, just keep me out of it."
And I did, from then on out, I kept him out of it. It was the least I could do. I loved him, can't remember even sayin' it, but I loved him like crazy. That didn't mean we got each other, might as well have been on another planet. People always talk about this twin connection, and I don't know about it. I couldn't read his mind or anything, and the day he died, I didn't feel a damned thing. I didn't even have a twinge of a bad feeling, other than my general opinion that life sucked. Grace would probably say I was in a deep depression at the time, my friends just thought I needed to get laid. Whatever, whichever. I didn't know Tommy was in trouble, didn't know that maybe the worst thing that could ever happen to me wasn't getting my spine shot up.
Tommy, man, I think to myself. Should have been you, you should have gotten to do this mission. Except for the part where you sleep with Neytiri, but don't see that being a problem anyway. Tommy never came clean with me, but I'm 99.9% sure he was gay. It was weird for me, I'm not gonna lie, but I also thought his science BS was weird, so there you go. If he got it up with guys and not chicks, it was none of my business.
It occurs to me, when I have oh, so much time for the self-reflection I never wanted, that it bugs me Tommy never came clean. Did he think I'd kick his ass, that I would freeze him out? Trust me, I have had my shining moments, but it hurts that he'd think I'd be that much of an ass-hole. How people can write loved ones off for who they want to get their rocks off with, I'll never understand. Then again, Tommy was the brains of the operation, maybe he'd know.
It was kind of a joke with us. Sometimes he'd say: "Too bad at birth I got all the brains."
"Apparently, I got the balls, too, Nancy," I'd jibe back at him. It was all in good fun, just talking smack. Jesus, did he take it seriously? How can you know someone your whole life and not really know them?
All right, I'm officially being philosophical. This is pretty scary shit.
I miss him, sometimes worse than others. Sometimes, I don't even think about him, it's weird. I'll be doing my thing, and Tommy's out of sight, out of mind. Then other times, the most random thing has me feeling like I've been suckered punched, like I can't breathe right because Tommy's dead and it hits me all over again.
This is worse, way worse, what I'm feeling now. It's like everything bad that's ever happened to me combined, Tommy included, and that was plenty bad on its own. At least with Tommy, I got nothing to feel guilty about, I didn't hand his killer a gun and say "This is how you pull the trigger, just give it a go." This time around, that's what I did, I gave a friggin' psycho the keys to the kingdom, I laid it out step by step for the colonel. Today was just the beginning, I bet, oh, I bet there's big plans for the Na'vi. Reservations? 'Reform schools?' Christ.
I double over just thinking about it, I really, really hate me right now. I can't stand thinking about Neytiri...my gorgeous Neytiri. God, the way she looked at me. I think she really, really hates me right now too, hates my guts, actually, and I can't blame her. I half wish she'd just cut my throat, I'd have had it coming. I hurt her so bad, I stabbed her and my people in the back. Yeah, I was following orders, but that's what the Nazis said. Not exactly an inspiring thought when you break it down.
Oh, and this is after I deflower the girl by the way. The Na'vi don't sleep around, sex is everything to them. Obviously, 'mated for life' is pretty heavy stuff, you don't make decisions like that on the flip of a coin. The best night of my life just hurts her more, it just adds to the betrayal. Nice, Sully, way to go. You are officially an asshole.
What's really fucked up is I love her, more than anything. I love the land, I love the forest. This isn't some nice, sweet kind of love. On both accounts, its knocked me on my ass, it's like that Tsa'haylu stuff, only more powerful, like I'm literally meshed with both Pandora and her. I don't know whether I'm coming or going. They're inside me, I'm inside them.
So what do I do? Hey, I'm Jake Sully, I'm gonna fuck it up. That's what I'll do. I'll make good and sure that I'll lose everything that makes me want to live, that's what I'll do.
Seriously, could someone just shoot me?
I vaguely hear our assigned say something, then heard Trudy's voice saying: "What's going on, brother? Long time, no see."
That's got our attention, and I don't know what to think. Trudy may not like it, but she's on their team, and I can't blame her. Why should she blow her career to hell? I notice she's pushing a food cart, but there's no way she's here to feed us, not a pilot with her credentials. Did the colonel send her, is she here to cut some kind of deal? I try to think about what the colonel needs from me, or Grace, or Norm, but I'm coming up empty. I already handed the colonel Home Tree on a fucking golden platter, and the Na'vi would just as soon kill my ass as talk to me now.
Even Neytiri. Especially Neytiri. God.
"Personally I don't think there's tree-hugging traitors deserve stake." Okay, bullshit. No way are we getting stake, something ain't right. I notice Norm and Grace have the same way of thinking. Is she gonna do what I think...?
Obviously, our assigned can't see the forest for the trees, 'cause he don't even think twice about what's wrong with that sentence. "They get stake?" the big dummy says. "Let me see that." Okay, she's reaching for something, and she's drawing her weapon...yeah, I pretty much think she's doing what I thought.
She goes from easy laughing to dead serious, gun pressed to the side of his head. "Yeah, you know what that is. Down."
"Trudy," Norm says, like he just saw Jesus.
"All the way down." Then she's whacking him with the butt of the gun, the move neat and easy. Now she's in just as deep as us, and Neytiri's voice is in my head. You don't thank for this. No, some things you don't.
"Max!" Trudy says, and I see Grace raise an eyebrow. Yeah, I never would have figured Max either. He comes ready, about ready to puke or pass out, but he's there and we're free twenty seconds later.
"Nice of you to join us," I tell her, and her sneer is comforting somehow.
"You're welcome, wheels," she kids me back, and we're okay, just like that.
I feel something kick in as we high-tail it down the corridor, keeping an eye out for trouble. I'm scared, but that's good. Fear is a sign of life, it puts you in a heightened state of awareness, if you use it right.
Sky people do not see, Neytiri once accused, blowing me off, trying to walk away, and we don't, not the way the Na'vi do, but we have our tricks of getting around, we adapt. I gave up for a second there, but I got my second wind. I may be stuck in this chair, but Neytiri gave my brain a whole new set of tricks, and it's just throwing them together with the old, and I'll be in business.
"Trudy, fire up the ship." To Norm, I jerk my head. Come on buddy, don't wait for Christmas. "Go." I lose sight of them and I force myself to focus, to keep myself on guard, use all my senses. Nobody's around, everybody's at their posts. God love Military efficiency
We hit the end of the road, I take a second to look behind me, to be sure, never can be too paranoid when breaking ten or so laws. I turn my focus on Max, another person who's got their neck on their line. I'm about to ask him to up the ante, but I don't have any more time to waste on regrets. "Max, stay here. I need somebody on the inside I can trust."
"Okay." I can trust him, it's all over his face. "Go." I'm gone.
The airfield get's to me, there's something fucking creepy about it. All metal and gray, no life, no green. Light circles around the planes, ready to blow our cover, ready to screw us over. I can't go as fast as I want, fucking useless body. A prison. Suck it up, Sully.
Grace and Norm have to hoist me up; it wipes me out just getting into the plane. I've let myself go, my muscles are like water, I'm weak from malnutrition. Being in my Na'vi body is like a drug, and I just couldn't get enough, couldn't get away from my broken human form fast enough, and I'm payin' for it in spades right now.
"Come on!" Trudy's telling me. Workin' on it, I want to yell, but grit my teeth. Keeping going, keep going, that's what I gotta do. The air's got something in it, the shoe's about to drop.
Gunshots, the tension in the air exploding into multiple rounds.
"I'm taking fire, let's go," Trudy tells us, but it ain't that simple. My fucking chair still is getting lifted, and Grace is still on the ground, bullets flying.
"Let's go, go, go," I tell Trudy. No matter how many times you come under fire, it's never normal, never right.
Then we're taking off, and I see the colonel still taking pot shots. One day, I promise him and myself silently, we're gonna have a reckoning up. It ain't hate that makes me think that, it ain't that complicated.
It's just the way it is. Him or me, I just have a feelin'.