Nathaniel wasn't very religious.
Yet he did, as every Fereldian not wanting to become an outcast, go to the chantry for its sermons at regular intervals. As such he could well imagine that the hell the priests so vehemently spoke of was something similar to what the group was experiencing. It wasn't one thing in particular, it was the accumulating pressure of the harsh world they had entered once descending into the Deep Roads which was eating away at them, sapping their strength.
Because it was another world. A world of darkness, heat, sweat and the constant yearning that just wouldn't leave him alone.
For the world below was dark. There were runes made to make light here and there, but where they walked many had either been cracked open or covered in the fleshy filth the darkspawn presence seemed to create. At times they stumbled upon caves not hacked out by dwarven engineers, exposing molten magma that cast a orange glow over them, but those places were far between, and the heat always forced the group onwards, into the shadows.
Even when not next to molten magma the tunnels were warm, the very air dense and suffocating stifling. The heat didn't just come from the magma that might well be inches into the mountain walls, but from the walls themselves, the flesh covering many halls covered in the perspiration of the heat it itself created, making them all sweat rivers.
All that Nathaniel could have handled though, he had suffered worse. But the yearning...it tugged at his heart with a terrifying strength. He had already begun to feel the tug at his chest from back in the Wending Woods, the pull towards the darkspawn, the urge to go and find them, to kill them.
It had only grown in strength by now, no doubt due to his body adapting to the taint. But down in the deep roads it was a pull going everywhere, the darkspawn were all around him...and he wanted to kill them, to rip their flesh apart! It was an odd urge of madness that Nathaniel had never once felt the touch of before, not even when he was made aware of his father's death.
It was more then that though, the pull was so strong...so alluring...at times he almost wanted to tear off his armour, rip through his own flesh, find his own taint and...and...he shook his head.
Join us...he grimaced, the thought so disjointed from his real thoughts, not really his, yet in his mind. He wanted the taint, he wanted it...craved it. To pull aside the thin mask of civilisation, to rip the flesh that wasn't his own apart, to expose his real self, to kill, to become one of...us.
No, this is ridiculous.
Nathaniel shook his head again, harder this time, jolting him out of his reverie. Don't want to fall asleep anyway. He grimaced as he noted Anders standing next to him, the mage's face covered in a thin sheet of perspiration, thick dark rings under his eyes from lack of sleep. I don't look any better. Nathaniel dryly noted, the memories of the more and more intense dreams of darkspawn at the edge of his consciousness.
No, don't think about it.
At least there were some positives, the group would never had come so far if it hadn't been for the infighting darkspawn. It had been a stunning sight to see darkspawn fighting one another deep in the bowels of the Deep Roads, as if gripped by some sort of madness. But Nathaniel had seen that there had been a clear two sides, the only problem was that he couldn't understand which was which. In the end he had been too exhausted to think much of it, letting their tireless leader figure it out. He himself just noted that the darkspawn killing each other in the tunnels had made their work far easier then it would otherwise have become...despite how confusing he blessing might be.
The other positive had been that dwarf Sigrun. At the thought of the small woman Nathaniel squinted into the pitch black hall before him, but of course he couldn't spot her, nor their commander, who both had gone ahead to scout out the hall before them.
Normally scouting was Nathaniel's duty, but with the cramped space and his unfamiliarity with the system of tunnels the dwarves had once lived in he wasn't the best choice at the moment. He had calmly admitted that both Lynn and Sigrun, despite their heavier armour, would be better at scouting ahead, they would have the proper skills to get away if spotted as well, since Nathaniel's preference for the bow didn't really suit the many twists and turns of the tunnels.
A shame we're being led by a crazy person though. Nathaniel found Sigrun, judging by what little interaction he had had with her, to be a bit...loose in the head. He had never heard anyone describe a path to take and then so happily explain how high a risk of dying they were in...something the dwarf seemed to love pointing out in regular intervals. Always in such a damn chipper voice too!
Nathaniel nearly snorted at his thought, thinking of how well the dwarf and their leader had interacted so far, Sigrun cheerfully pointing out where they could die, Lynn shrugging in disinterest and noting that they had a job to do...which sobered the dwarf up enough to make her nod in agreement. Then again we've been lead by a crazy person for ages now...
So here they stood, two mages and a bowman, waiting for the dwarf and their leader as they scouted out the dark hall before them, making Nathaniel feel painfully exposed.
Glancing to his left he shot Velanna another concerned look.
There were those kind of people that never got dirty, as if any dirt just avoided them, Nathaniel had long ago noted that Velanna was such a one. As such the fact that she now actually had brown dust sticking to her sweaty skin...and not was doing anything about it...was a clear sign that she was more tired then she let on. While she stood straight and stiff, proudly even, Nathaniel noted that she had her staff out and with the end against the ground, resting ever so slightly on it.
Can't imagine how hard this has to be on her...
Not only was the mage struggling with the same nightmares, heat and yearning as he was...she was still fatigued from her quick spell casting two days ago. While she claimed she had recovered Nathaniel saw through it, the nightmares disrupted her sleep, and no healing of Anders could give her the proper rest a strained mage's mind really needed. Of course she said nothing of it, too proud to admit weakness.
Nathaniel found himself smiling.
The smile faded when he saw the woman glance up for what had to be the hundredth time, the woman was clearly uncomfortable under so much stone. Nathaniel had noted such already in Vigil's Keep, and here in the Deep Roads where even he felt a bit pressed by it all...he couldn't even imagine what she felt.
With a small snort the elf glared forward into the darkness, ignoring the heavy roof above her head with an effort of will. Strong-willed one...Nathaniel found his smile reapearing, unable to stop himself. I've been doing that a lot as of late...
Shrugging he remembered an old exchange of theirs and realised he had a perfect way to distract her. "So what do those sharp elven eyes see?" Velanna and Anders both jumped at the sound of Nathaniel's voice, but Anders quickly returned to staring straight ahead, a testament to how tired he was, as Velanna turned look archedly at Nathaniel as he continued unafraid: "Are there darkspawn hiding in the darkness?"
Velanna opened her mouth to answer, a scowl on her face...only to stop herself, the scowl easing away as she instead smirked. "I see, making fun of me are you?"
"Would not dream of it my lady." Nathaniel replied with a bow of his head, smiling slightly but keeping his eyes honest. It wasn't making fun of her after all, it was a legitimate question and him wanting to distract her.
Again Velanna opened her mouth to answer, only to stop herself, frowning slightly as she reconsidered her words. Cute, she's really trying...Nathaniel's smile widened a bit. "Again with the lady part, do I look like one of your nobles?" She raised an amused eyebrow at him.
"There are many ways to be noble." Nathaniel pointed out neutrally, holding his tongue as he watched the proud bearing of the woman that so casually pushed a rogue strand of now dirty hair over a long ear. You could put Anora to shame... "Yours is one of the better I believe, so a lady you are."
A small sigh escaped the elf as she looked away, shoulders slumping a bit. "That is...kind of you to say...I don't feel I deserve it."
"Why not?" Nathaniel blinked in surprise. Nothing in Velanna said anything but that she thought highly of herself, of course there were the moments of guilt...but he had almost begun to think she'd gotten over it, she was strong enough to force such things as guilt aside, after all.
No answer, the elf gently tapping the ground with her staff as she continued to look away.
Nathaniel grimaced and looked away, irritated with himself all of a sudden. Shouldn't have asked...
Ahead the tunnel was still dark and unwelcoming, ready to spew monsters at them, as many halls before had already done. Yet nothing moved, nothing stirred, there was only a stifling silence, a brooding darkness, a taint that felt eternal.
Maker I hope we can leave soon... The idea of facing the several broodmothers that Sigrun had described didn't sit well with him, if they were powerful you wanted to face one at a time, not several. But what choice did they have? If they left the creatures alone they would only continue to spawn more of their smaller brethren...and Nathaniel didn't fancy fighting a never ending army...
"Do you..." Velanna's voice was hushed, the woman shooting him a surprisingly shy glance. "...have dreams?"
Ah. Nathaniel's face turned grim as he nodded. "Yes...and yes they've gotten worse the further down we've gotten." He grimaced, the image of his father's face, twisting into that of a hurlock's uninvitingly entering his mind. No, it wasn't real, it's just lies...He wished he didn't feel doubt at the thought. "It is difficult to sleep is it not? I'm not sure if it's the dreams...or the fact that the dreams tells me that I'm not safe where I'm resting."
Velanna hesitated, then nodded. "I...y-yes...it makes it...hard to focus."
Did she just admit weakness? Nathaniel tried to hide his surprise as he shot her a look. "I am here if you need help." It was an honest offer, and he tried to remove as much of any sympathy he could from his words, knowing it could trigger Velanna's mood.
Suddenly a small smile stole its way up to Velanna's face as she looked at him, a hand coming up to rub some smudge away from her cheek, her voice soft: "I know."
Nathaniel smiled back, not really knowing what to do, surprised by the ease with which he could deal with Velanna all of a sudden, at the sudden lack of anger and suspicion in her behaviour. "I...well...good."
"Yes..." Velanna nodded, then shrugged ever so slightly, looking a bit awkward. "...good."
Why am I feeling like an idiot? Can't believe she's still smiling...is she trying to lure me into a false sense of security?
Then an exasparated sigh escaped Anders, the mage leaning heavily on his staff as he with a tired look glared at them. "Would you two just kiss and get it over with?"
Huh! Nathaniel took a step away from both Anders and Velanna as he stared at Anders as if the mage had grown a second head, his own feeling as if it had been stuffed with cotton all of a sudden. Then he glanced at Velanna and found the woman's face turning darker in colour as she stared at Anders, then she glanced at Nathaniel and went pale before turning away from them both.
Should I...? Nathaniel reached towards the elf's shoulder-
Only to pull back as if burnt as Lynn's voice snapped from the darkness. "It's clear, let's move."
Feeling a strange mix of guilt and confusion Nathaniel turned away from Velanna that still hadn't turned around, and Anders who was smirking far too much...and followed the Commander, grateful for the distraction of walking.
A kiss...despite the embarrassment Nathaniel found himself smiling at the thought.
888
Thanks to Abydos Jackson for her continued assistance.