Cruise Control

I wasn't able to stay in that room for too long, not with it being so empty and quiet – just there full of memories of before. Before Friday night.

Ponyboys' book bag was still thrown across the bed open, with it's contents spilling out onto the sheets; a large book for one of his classes, notebooks and loose sheets of paper and some other stuff. On the desk sat his half-completed homework.

"Please Darry!" Ponyboy begged, even going so far as to drop down on his knees in front of our oldest brother. "I promise, I'll finish it when we get ba~aack!"

I was trying my best not to crack up, I could just tell Darry had long given into Ponyboy's begging and pleading. Right now, he was just enjoying the show and I can't help but to admit, I was too.

"Just one race and then I'll walk back with Johnny and...and I'll bring my keister right into this house and plop down to finish my homework! I mean, even though it is Friday," Of course Pony had to get some sort of comment in, even when he was winning. "I'll still finish it. I promise promise promise promise..." and on he went until Darry cut him off by placing a large hand over his mouth.

"Okay."

"And why not? It ain't fair that-what?" He blinked up at Darry, his gray green eyes got all wide and he obviously didn't believe what he had heard. I couldn't hold in my laughter any longer and I soon found myself spread out on the couch clutching my stomach.

"I said, alright, you can go. But one race, Pone. One!" Darry held up a finger, "One and you'll be back here before midnight, you hear me? You better make sure he does Sodapop or you'll both be in trouble, savvy?"

I gave my brother a mock salute, "Sir, yes sir!"

Pony instead thought counting his chickens before they hatched would be a better idea.

"So, two or three races then?"

When I left the bedroom, I silently shut the door behind me. With my hand still holding the door knob, I placed my forehead against the dry wood for a moment, squeezing my eyes shut at the memory.

Everything was normal and fine then.

I should have taken it more seriously. But, I was so busy with having fun I forgot to be a big brother and watch him – I should have protected him. Instead, I ran him over.

No, not over.

I ran into him

Pushing away from the door, I turned away from it to walk down the short hallway that lead into the living room. I kept my head down, my eyes on the dirty and worn carpet.

I didn't even see Darry until his armchair squeaked and even then, I don't think he even knew I was there.

He was sitting his his chair, hunched over with his head in his hands, just staring at the blank television. I took that moment to examine him; the dark circles under his eyes, the clothes he was wearing were wrinkled and I doubt that he had changed in over a day if he had at all, his hair was the only neat and put-together thing about him.

He still hadn't registered my presence until I took another step causing the floorboard to creak. His head snapped up and he just looked at me – he looked spooked, like I was was a ghost or something coming for his soul.

"H-hey!" There was that forced smile again, "How you feelin'? Hungry?" He was up and out of his chair before I could reply. "I'll make a grilled cheese or somethin' for you. No chance to go to the store for groceries, with all..." He trailed off and let out this weird laugh before going silent.

"Darr-" I started but he interrupted me by slamming a cast iron skillet onto the stove, I jumped up at the noise and then tried again. "Darry?" He didn't answer me for awhile, I was starting to think maybe I wasn't there.

Maybe this was some weird dream and I was finally waking up from it.

Maybe – again something slammed, this time it was the door to the refrigerator. I made a face at the amount of butter he spooned off and dumped into the skillet to melt up. "Have you heard from the hospital?"

As if someone started to slow up time, I watched as Darry pulled out pieces of bread from the bag – the butt pieces I hated.

"Not yet." Was all he said, looking down at the bread in his hands that were flaking and breaking off in his grip. "Maybe we'll just go grab a burger or somethin', how does that sound?"

I wanted to say something to get him back on track, to get him to call the hospital himself. But when he turned to me and I saw those bags under his eyes and the smile on his face that I know he was forcing out just for me – I couldn't and with a sigh I nodded. "Sure. Sounds great."

If only Ponyboy could see him now, he wouldn't think those blue-green eyes looked much like ice right now.

If it was another time, I would've thought it as a good thing. But, now it wasn't.

I'm sorry, Darry.

We ended up not leaving the house to go get something to eat, instead we were heading back the same route we had just came from a few hours earlier – to the hospital.

Right as we had been heading out the door, the phone rang. On the other line it was someone from the hospital calling to let us know that Ponyboy was out of surgery and in recovery.

When we walked through the double sliding glass doors that lead into the hospital, my stomach began to churn and I felt sick. I wanted to just turn on my heels and run out the way we had came.

But, I couldn't. I wouldn't.

We stayed silent, not saying a word to each other until the elevator doors shut. "He's on the fourth floor," Darry said, pressing a button labeled 4, "He might still be in recovery, we'll see when we get up there."

I didn't say anything, I was too busy on trying to slow down my breathing and keep calm. I didn't know what I would see when we got up there and my mind was picturing all types of things that made me feel like any moment I was going to heave.

The metal doors of the elevator opened far too soon for my liking.

Stepping out the elevator, my eyes quickly glued themselves to the first thing I saw; a mural on the wall. It was of a tree that was made out of hand prints. I stood there just looking at it, the trunk or the tree, the leaves and even the grass and flowers were all hand prints.

Right above it Pediatric Wonderland was written in cursive using thick black paint.

So many kids...I thought looking over the hands, all different sizes but still so small.

I turned away from it and I was surprised to see Darry still standing there a few steps away from me, "I remember when they first started it." He said, "You were up here when you had that bad case of chicken pox, remember?"

I did, somewhat. I remember have the chicken pox, heck I still have scars from then, but I don't remember being in a hospital. "Sorta." I answered with a half shrug.

"Yea you were barely three. You got them from me because you just wouldn't leave me be when I had them." He laughed a bit and I had to smile at that, I was just as bad with Darry as Ponyboy is with me.

That thought my smile faded and by the look on Darry's face I know he was thinking the same.

"How bad is it Dar?" I'm not sure where the courage came from, to ask him. I think I'm just tired of the run around and the half answers, "I need to know before I see him Darry, I-I..."

I need to know what I've done to him.

He looked at me, almost like he was gauging me on how much I could handle to hear or something. After awhile I didn't think he'd answer but finally he opened his mouth and said, "It's – lets go in here." Placing a hand on my shoulder he lead me into a room a couple of steps to the right of the elevator.

It was a waiting room, blue pastel and white walls with pastel green chairs. We sat down – Darry sitting across from me, leaning forward with his hands balled together.

Again he stayed silent. "Tell me."

Tell me what I have done to him Darry. Please, I gotta know. I gotta know man...

"He – um," Darry paused and cleared his throat, "They had to remove his left leg, from right above the knee down. It...at the scene it was bad, really bad. There was just no way to save it." He glanced up at me to see how I had handled that much information.

Even though I already knew, it hurt to hear. I brought my hands to my face and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands. I wouldn't cry now – I had to know the rest.

"The other leg. It's just so busted up but it's there. It won't ever be right..."

Part of me was shocked to hear that, then a little bit happy. He had one that's still there. Then as quickly as it came, it vanished. It won't be the same.

And it's all my fault.

I pressed my palms harder against my eyes, willing to tears not to come. But, they did anyway.

"It's gonna' be okay, Pepsi." He moved off his chair to sit on the one beside me, "He'll get therapy though, once this is all done and he gets stronger. He'll have people to help him-"

"We can't afford that!" I snapped between sobs, "We're probably in the hole right now, aren't we?"

I hadn't even thought about that until that very moment. Both me and Ponyboy in the hospital at the same time. Ponyboy needing his surgeries and whatever else that's being done to him.

"It's not your place to worry about any of that."

"Like hell it ain't Dar!" I quickly stood up causing my chair to topple over, but I didn't give it a second thought. I could feel the pain shoot through my shoulder and ribs at the sudden movement, but they didn't get much attention either. "When I dropped out to help us it became my business, it's my job to worry about this too!"

I heard Darry sigh, "We'll be okay."

I wanted to argue more but the sound of his voice, and when I turned to him, the look in his eyes. I know he already had so much on his shoulders, he didn't need me to go on reminding him about it all.

I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry Darry."

All of this is my fault...

He stood and placed a arm gently around my shoulders. "You okay?" I nodded, even with the throbbing in my ribs, I just nodded. He didn't need to worry about me. "Alright...lets go see Pone, okay?"

"Yeah," I said with another nod, "I'm ready."

To face what I have done.

I've been sick all weekend and still sick today. Please excuse all grammar issues and typos and stuff. If any stick out for this, or previous chapters, please let me know. I try to re-read things but I fail badly at it.

Wow, I am shocked at the number of reviews from the last chapter! I was not expecting that at all! Thank you so very much! I wish I could say this chapter would please your expectations, however, I don't think it will.

I do have a thing for murals in hospitals (I think I mentioned something in Salvage Me) because it's what I volunteer to do! I love it. I work with a lot of children who are amputees – birth defects, accidents, cancer – no matter what the reason is.

I'll post a few pictures on my profile when I get a chance.

Again,

Thank you!