Just want to warn you this one gets a little angst-y in places. Maybe a little melodramatic. (sigh) Angst and I don't get along too well. The lyrics at the beginning totally fit. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: See chapter 1.
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You Gotta Go There To Come Back
Chapter 6: Window
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You want it, you need it, the words slip away
You're crying your eyes out, your mind wants to break
Your heart is your weakness, your song plays endlessly
Wonder how you sleep, it's a wonder to me
So how's it going to feel
When you don't know what's real
You tell yourself it's love, then tear your insides up
So how's it going to feel
When you don't know what's real
You tell yourself it's love, then tear yourself apart
-Window by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club (BRMC)
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Sakura shifted through all the clothes in her closet, frantically searching for something appropriate for her date. When there was a knock at her door and the excited voice of Koyuki floated to her, she reefed the door open and yanked the unsuspecting princess inside. "HELP ME!"
Koyuki stood for a second, dazedly staring at the pink-headed woman scattering clothes in her bathrobe. As soon as Sakura's predicament dawned on her, she smirked. "Wondering what to wear on your date with Koji?"
Petite hands paused as Sakura glanced up at the older woman. "How'd you know?"
"We all live here, genius! I passed him a few minutes ago and he told me all about it. He's very excited, you know. He really does like you." Koyuki smiled gently at her friend.
Sakura returned to her frantic search. "It's just one date. I don't have any future expectations and I hope he doesn't either. I'm certainly not out to hurt anybody, but I do love Kakashi. I can't just forget about him. But I also know dating will do me some good."
Koyuki began to help Sakura shuffle through her clothes. "Just be honest with him and don't hurt him. He's a very sweet guy and he doesn't really have any luck with women."
"Why is that?"
"He's too shy. He just can't get up the nerve to talk to anybody, and if he does, he can't get up the courage to go much farther than some small talk. He's only had maybe two dates in the five years I've known him!" Koyuki gave a little giggle. "It's sweet, but also a little pathetic."
"How old is Koji? I've never asked."
"He's 27."
Sakura looked at Koyuki wide-eyed. "Seriously? But he's so successful! Doesn't it usually take longer to build a business as successful as his?"
Koyuki shrugged. "His father was in the business, too. So Koji had contacts and networking going before he even really started representing people. And since he grew up around all this, he knows what he's doing." She grabbed a red dress off the rack and held it up to Sakura. "What about this?"
Back in Konoha, Sakura would have rolled her eyes at a red dress since she wore the color daily. But it had been almost two years of mostly black and the vibrant color was just crying out to be worn. The simple knee-length, spaghetti strap dress was perfect. Not revealing, but showing she did put forth some effort. She grabbed the dress and smiled her thanks while Koyuki shooed her into the bathroom to change.
Sakura's muffled voice called through the bathroom door. "I really do want to thank you for your help, Koyuki-hime. I've looked over every dress I have dozens of times and couldn't decide."
The princess called back. "Sometimes you just need someone else to pick for you."
Sakura emerged and strapped on the bright red heels she bought to match the dress. "How do I look?"
Koyuki motioned for her to twirl and then smiled at the completed picture. "Ready for a date!"
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Koji smiled brightly when Sakura emerged from the hallway. "You look amazing!"
Sakura returned his smile and looked at his dark suit and light blue shirt sans tie. It was dressy and casual at the same time. "You look handsome, Koji." After bundling up in their coats and scarves, she linked her arm through his. "Shall we?"
Koji took her to a very exclusive restaurant. It was dimly lit to create a romantic atmosphere and Sakura felt a little tug at her heart, wishing it was another's arm she was clinging to. It really wasn't fair to Koji. He was a very sweet man and had done nothing but kind things for her since she met him. And now here she was on a date with him when all she could offer was her distracted mind and none of her heart. She tried not to let the guilt eat at her. After all, she had explained to him that she was in love with someone else. And he had asked her on this date even with that knowledge. She relaxed slightly as they were seated at their table and took a good look around the restaurant. It was small and cozy with a sort of old world charm and Sakura loved it.
"This is very nice, Koji."
Koji smiled easily at his date. "I was hoping you would like it. I haven't been here before, but a lot of people told me it had a great atmosphere and wonderful food."
Sakura looked at the large iron fireplaces, the fires crackling merrily inside them. "They were right. It's beautiful."
She noticed Koji blush lightly before ducking his head to look at the menu. "Koji, why are you so nervous? It's just me!"
He bit his lip in thought before speaking. "I just don't know what to say in situations like this. I either get tongue tied or my mind goes blank. If you haven't noticed, I'm not too smooth with the ladies." He chuckled in embarrassment and Sakura shook her head with a fond smile.
"Just talk to me like you normally would. Whether we're at the palace or at a restaurant shouldn't make a difference."
Koji adjusted his glasses. "It shouldn't, but it does. I just...I really like you. I like spending time with you. You're smart and funny and full of life and energy and gorgeous and I just don't want to mess up."
Sakura sighed. "I need to be honest with you. I agreed to a date, but I'm not looking for anything serious. I already told you I love someone else, but he and I just can't be together at the moment." She ran a hand through her bangs. "I don't know if we'll ever be together, but I can't just forget about him. And I don't want you to get your hopes up and then have nothing ever come of this."
Koji nodded. "I know. I'm fully prepared for whatever outcome you decide on. But I couldn't just stand there and not take a chance, you know? I know how you feel about someone else and that's fine. You can decide what happens from here. If you want a second date, great! If not, well I'll be disappointed but I'm prepared for that, too."
Satisfied that he understood, she picked up her own menu. "Now that that's settled, let's just enjoy ourselves and see what happens."
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What happened, was Sakura had fun. She and Koji had always had good conversations, and once he got over his initial nervousness the evening was enjoyable. He had taken her to see things she had never seen in Snow before. The young woman had been so busy that she had missed a great number of endearing qualities about the country. They strolled through the park, tiny white lights hanging in the trees that lined the main pathways, giving the area a soft glow. He pointed out the large and beautiful horses that pulled old-time carriages through the older section of town. There was a group of traditional dancers that performed every weekend in the village square. Sakura had never realized her new home had such an active nightlife.
When they returned to the palace, Sakura smiled brightly at her date for the evening. "Honestly, I had more fun than I thought I would. Thank you, Koji."
Koji laughed at her as he leaned against the stair railing outside the back door they used. "Were your expectations really so low?"
Her pink tresses shifted as she shook her head. "No, not at all. It's just that we're friends and due to circumstances - " she swirled her hand to indicate her love of another " - I wasn't really looking at it as a true date." She saw a small bit of hurt flash in his eyes and hurried to explain. "I apologize, because I didn't give you enough credit. This date surpassed all my expectations for what a date should be like. So again, thank you."
"You're very welcome, Sakura."
Gathering her courage, Sakura leaned over from her perch two steps above him and pecked him lightly on the lips. "Goodnight, Koji." She slipped inside and hurried to her room to avoid any awkward moments or thoughts of more from her manager.
Koji stood on the stairs a few more minutes, shocked at her boldness and lips tingling from the innocent caress. With a sigh he ran his hands through his hair and then adjusted his glasses. "You're doing something awfully stupid, Tanaka Koji. And you're going to get yourself crushed." Despite his knowledge that she was in love with someone else, Koji couldn't stop his heart from doing as it wished. And now that he had spent some one-on-one time with the kind-hearted woman without business dictating it and had tasted her lips, he was sinking quickly into something he wasn't sure he could ever get out of.
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Two months later, Sakura and Koyuki were having a girls' night in. With Koji out of town on business and Sakura's bodyguards ordered out to give the ladies some privacy, the two were getting shit faced in Koyuki's game room. The game of billiards they had been engaged in lay forgotten as the two had decided to drink and have girl talk.
Koyuki smirked at her younger friend over the rim of her drink. "So, how are things with Koji?"
Sakura rolled her eyes at the teasing lilt in the Feudal Lord's voice. "Fine. You know it's nothing official or serious. We're just two friends going out and enjoying each other's company."
"Mmhmm. So how many dates has it been now?"
Sakura blushed before replying in a mumble. "Six."
When Koyuki just continued to smirk, Sakura glared at her. "Shut up."
Pale hands rose in surrender. "I didn't say a word."
The kunoichi's lips pulled down into a pout. "You didn't have to. That look said it all."
After a moment of tense silence, Koyuki spoke again. "How far have you gone?"
Sakura spit out the fruity liquid she had just sipped. "You waited to say that on purpose!" She dabbed at her jeans and t-shirt with a napkin as the princess laughed loudly at her. She had no intention of answering, but when her green eyes slid over to meet the expectant ones of Koyuki, she knew she was a goner. That woman's gaze was just as commanding as Tsunade's and Sakura was powerless to ignore it. "I've kissed him. That's it."
"That covers a broad range, girlie. How hot and bothered are these kisses?"
Sakura's cheeks flushed pink as she spluttered over her answer. A few of the kisses had been rather passionate, but Sakura hadn't been able to stop herself. It felt good to be desired and wanted. It felt good to have his soft lips gently nip at her own. And it felt wonderful when she imagined the man kissing her had a mask bunched around his chin and her fingers were twining into soft silver strands. She always felt guilty afterwards, knowing the sweet and timid Koji deserved so much better than that. But she couldn't stop. The sensations were addictive and no matter how hard she tried to remember the man she was actually kissing, creasing mismatched eyes invaded her mind and she surrendered to the fantasy. Lacing a hand into her bangs and giving a slight tug, Sakura mumbled. "I don't want to talk about it."
Sensing she had been traipsing dangerous ground, Koyuki turned to a topic Sakura was always willing to discuss. She smirked playfully at the singer, the drink making her expression slightly crooked. "So, when did you fall in love with Kakashi?"
With a blush and a sigh, Sakura's look of unease turned dreamy. "I think it was after Naruto came back from his training and we had to spar against Kakashi. I had always known he was skilled and dangerous and a damn good ninja. But it was then when I realized he was also graceful and beautiful and just downright amazing. I began to see him differently and notice things I hadn't before. I thought it was some silly crush and I'd get over it. But as you can see, it only intensified until it was just painful to be around him."
"So that's why you left the village?"
"Yes and no. I had already been thinking about it. I had no hobbies or interests outside of work and ninja business. And I didn't want to turn into one of those machines that only live for the village and their work. I wanted to remain human, you know? When I just couldn't stand to be around Kakashi anymore, that's when I asked for permission to leave."
Sakura noticed the princess's eyes were becoming decidedly glazed and took note of the almost empty pitcher of strawberry margaritas before taking the half-empty glass from her hand. "I think maybe it's time to call it a night."
Koyuki whined. "Noooo! I've been getting so many juicy stories out of you."
Sakura walked over to the mini-fridge and pulled out two water bottles and asked the guards stationed outside to bring them some crackers. She sat back down and shoved a water bottle into the older woman's hand. "We can stay up until you finish the water and the crackers. But after that it's straight to bed, missy."
With an eye roll, the princess responded. "Yes, mother."
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The work for Sakura's sophomore album was slow-going. The young songstress wanted to write her own songs and assert her own musical personality on the record, while Hiro was hesitant to give up total control to a still relatively green singer. The two stubborn personalities had clashed multiple times, creating tense stalemates that left the record in limbo while they had a silent battle of wills.
Sakura had been ready to cave in, just to get the project rolling again when she was invited to audition for an upcoming movie. Elated at the opportunity, the kunoichi jumped at the chance, upsetting Hiro greatly when she announced the album was going to be placed on the back burner.
Koji sat on the couch in his own house with Sakura leaning back against his stomach, his arms comfortably settled around her waist as the two read the script together. "I really like this story, Koji."
The manager had to agree. "It is a great story. And a musical. So, win-win for us!" He chuckled and continued skimming the pages, they were only halfway through and the duo were already set to go to the audition. The story of love, deceit, hope, passion, betrayal and jealousy drew the young celebrity in and she was determined to win the lead role. She swiped at her misty eyes after closing the script and turned to Koji.
"I'm so getting the role of Satine."
With a raised eyebrow, he studied her. "You gonna be okay with the rolling around in the beginning?"
Her look of confusion swiftly turned to embarrassment as she recalled the scene. "Okay, that's going to be a little awkward."
"What about the scenes where you're half-naked?"
Her embarrassment ebbed away to anger. "Are you trying to keep me from auditioning?"
He pulled her closer as he nuzzled the back of her neck in a placating gesture. "No. I just want you to be sure before you agree to it."
Sakura felt her anger dissipate. It was hard to stay mad at Koji. "I know and I appreciate your concern. But I really want this! There are a few scenes I could do without, but overall it's just too good a project to pass up."
Koji gently took the thick manuscript from her hands. "'Moulin Rouge', huh? I'll let the casting director know tomorrow that you're interested."
"Thank you." She gave him a quick kiss and then stood abruptly when she saw the desire for more flash in his brown eyes. "I've got to get going. I promised myself I would write a song so great today that Hiro would have to allow it on my record."
She threw on her light jacket and gave Koji one more quick kiss before dashing away.
Sakura cursed herself over and over as she trudged home. It had been six months since she started seeing Koji. She wanted to keep it casual, but due to not knowing that many people in Snow and having trouble trusting new acquaintances, she didn't really have any other options. It didn't excuse her for leading him on, but she had fun on the dates and liked spending the time with him. She felt something for the man, yes. But it was a little flicker when compared to the all-consuming flame that reared up when she thought of Kakashi. The guilt was still gnawing away at her. Especially since Koji had told her he loved her. It broke her heart and she could see him trying to cover the pain in his own when she hadn't been able to respond in kind. She should have called it off then, but Koji had said he understood why she couldn't agree and asked that they keep dating, so she allowed it to continue. So far she had been able to keep it to kissing, even though she could see Koji clearly wanted to go further. She just couldn't. She wanted her first time to be full of love with someone she could give herself to fully. Unfortunately, Koji just wasn't that person.
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Kakashi let a bored eye roam over the people in the Hokage's office. "You summoned me, Hokage-sama?" He wasn't normally so formal, but with unfamiliar people around he figured it would be best to mind his manners.
Tsunade sighed and looked up at him, hating what she was about to say. She hated these arrangements with a passion, and this one was even more painful than others considering who it was. "Hatake-san, the council has decided that you should choose a wife and continue the Hatake clan."
The Copy Nin let his eye narrow and settled his deadly glare on the two elderly advisors. "And why is my personal life any of their business?"
The old man spoke. "Hatake-san, it is your duty to protect this village in any way possible. You made that vow on the day you took your ninja oath. This village could use more shinobi from the Hatake clan. Going on a percentage basis, your clan produced more shinobi geniuses and more elites than any other clan in Konoha's history. You can fulfill your duty by restoring your clan and providing this village with more great ninja."
"I refuse."
The old woman tried her hand next. "You don't get that option, Hatake-san. This is an order, not a request."
Knowing neither side would back down and seeing an opening, Tsunade tried to diffuse the situation. She knew Kakashi better than the elders and was sure the old fools would agree while she basically gave the last Hatake a ticket out. "Perhaps I could make a suggestion. A compromise for the three of you to agree on."
When the trio looked to her expectantly, she continued. "Hatake-san, go on the dates and get to know the candidates the council has chosen. And if you choose one of them, fine. If not, the council must respect your wishes and not push the issue."
The elders were about to object when Tsunade spoke again. "If you don't agree, I can guarantee he will leave this village. It would be best to allow him to choose his own bride and keep one of our top shinobi. Don't you agree?"
With a hesitant nod, the elders accepted as did Kakashi, seeing the underneath in his leader's compromise. He was then introduced to the two women the council had selected. One of them was drop dead gorgeous, but when she looked at everyone else as if they were below her, Kakashi ruled her out immediately. He was never interested in women like that. The second woman was moderately pretty, but when he shook her hand and she giggled, he found it odd. After the dates were scheduled and the women were leaving, Kakashi heard the second one speak to her father. "Daddy, I think he likes me. He shook my hand!" A girly squeal followed and Kakashi flinched.
So, one was a bitch and one was brain-dead. Lovely. The elders filed out after the women and their fathers and Kakashi was left with his Hokage. "You couldn't stop them?"
Tsunade shook her head. "The council is stubborn. You know that just as well as I do. However, I did give you that out, so just go on the dates and then say you didn't like either."
Kakashi shrugged. "Done. I already don't like either of them. The prettier one is cold and has a superiority complex. The second one is an idiot and a flirt. And I don't like the idea of the council imposing their wishes on me where it concerns my personal life."
"I don't either." Tsunade agreed. "They read too far into that ninja oath and think it gives them supreme power over every aspect of a shinobi's life. I tried to convince them you would find the right woman eventually and settle down, but they are impatient and want you to start popping out little Hatakes now."
Kakashi snorted. "Not gonna happen. Even if I did marry one of the women they chose, I wouldn't allow any children to enter this world just to be used by those power hungry old fools. So, why did they choose those two?"
"Money." Tsunade rubbed her thumb and fingers together. "Both fathers have tons of it and the council sees it as a win-win situation. They get the continuation of a legendary clan and the access to your future father-in-law's deep pockets."
"So it's greed that's driving them?"
"Yep. Great to know those two are basically running the village, isn't it?" The sarcasm dripped from the woman's words and Kakashi smirked.
"They're going to be sorely disappointed when not only do I not choose a woman, but those two refuse to marry me."
Tsunade grinned wickedly. "So, 'Icha Icha' going on the date with you?"
Kakashi's visible eye crinkled. "Of course. And I'm pretty sure some old woman will need my help, causing me to be hours late for the dates. Seems to happen all the time with me."
The Hokage gave a huff of laughter. "Just be your usual antisocial self and I'm sure the rest will take care of itself."
With a mock salute, Kakashi left in a puff of smoke.
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Kakashi slouched with his hands in his pockets as he headed to tea with Haruno Aiko. Surely this bit of news would send her into a snit of entertaining and furious statements. He was so looking forward to this! He needed a little humor in his life today.
As he rounded a corner, he bumped into a group of younger shinobi. A large portion of the Rookie 9 to be exact. Ino beamed when she saw him. "Hi, Kakashi-sensei! How are you?"
Kakashi lifted one eyebrow slightly. She sure was chipper. "Fine. And you?"
"Peachy! Heard from Sakura lately?"
Hinata's blush spread rapidly across her face and Kakashi watched in fascination. He had heard about the girl's ability to blush fiercely enough that she passed out, but had never seen such a thing. He wondered if he was about to witness it first hand when Ino's voice snapped him back to reality.
"Hellooooo? Sakura? Heard from? Lately?"
Shaking his head, Kakashi smiled. "No."
Kiba spoke from his spot behind Hinata. "I heard you were about to get engaged."
Kakashi blinked. How did he hear about that? "Well, the council wishes for me to marry. They have two candidates selected and I'm supposed to have a date with each and then make a decision."
Chouji whistled. "Just one date? That's harsh."
Kakashi smiled. "The alternative is allowing them to pick and I'm not too keen on others plotting out my personal life."
He noticed a worried glance going between Shino, Shikamaru, Ino and Hinata. Those four weren't telling him something. Hinata finally spoke. "Just don't let the council bully you into doing as they wish. Neji-kun and I had to fight our clan tooth and nail to do as we wished. It was hard and stressful, but we both feel much freer now. He's getting the position of clan head like he wanted and I'm no longer tied down to a role I didn't desire."
Ino nodded. "I have to say I'm very against arranged marriages. The feelings of the people involved don't seem to matter much. Then there's the feelings of others, the ones who may be in love with those who are forced to marry."
Kakashi eyed them all strangely. "I suppose." He watched the two women exchange another worried look before they smiled an obviously fake smile at him. "I need to get going. Have an appointment to keep." He gave a wave over his shoulder before continuing toward Aiko's house.
The smell of freshly baked cookies welcomed him as he entered the large front yard and rapped on the heavy wooden door.
Aiko yanked the door open and quickly spun away to hurry back into the kitchen. "Hello, Kakashi!"
The elite jounin chuckled as he watched her scurry about, pulling out one tray of cookies as she dropped spoonfuls of batter onto another before shoving it into the oven. "I hope you don't mind that tea will be a little late this evening. I just got into the baking spirit and it seems the more cookie batter I spoon out, the more I end up with. It's like the stuff is growing when I'm not looking!" She poked the bowl of batter uncertainly and Kakashi laughed at her antics.
Kakashi seated himself at the kitchen table after Aiko smacked his hand rather harshly for trying to steal a cookie. He couldn't wait until she was done. He wanted her seated and giving her full attention before he dropped his bombshell on her.
Finally, the batter bowl was empty and a plate of warm cookies and a cup of hot tea was placed in front of him. "See? If you just be patient I'll make sure you get a treat." Aiko's wrinkled eyes curved up at the Copy Nin and he returned the expression.
"Thank you, Aiko."
She sat down and sipped at her tea before tucking a wayward pink strand back into her bun. "So, what have you been up to this past week?"
Kakashi grinned and told her all about his afternoon meeting. He wasn't thrilled about the situation, but he couldn't wait to hear what amusing thoughts came from his unrestrained companion's mouth.
He watched with mounting concern as the older woman went completely silent, her mouth turning down into a deep frown.
"Aiko? Are you alright?"
There were a few more seconds of stunned silence before she responded, but certainly not with the shouting and curses he thought he would hear.
Instead, Aiko pleaded with Kakashi to defy the council's orders. "You surely can't be serious about pledging your life to someone just based on those old idiots' wishes."
Kakashi rubbed his forehead in irritation. There was something nobody was telling him. Otherwise there wouldn't be so much resistance from everyone else concerning his possible marriage. "What would you have me do, Aiko?"
"Tell 'em to fuck off!"
Kakashi chuckled slightly. There was the statement he was waiting for! "You know I can't do that."
Aiko sighed. "It isn't just your heart at stake here! Do you not realize you'll be breaking someone else's just so the council can get their greedy paws into some man's wallet?"
Kakashi sat a little straighter. "What?"
Aiko wrung her hands. Her emotions and mouth had gotten her in trouble this time. She wasn't sure how to play this one off. "I'm just asking you to forgo a life others map out for you."
Kakashi shook his head. "No, no. I have no intention of marrying either of those women. I just wanted to hear your thoughts on the matter." He smirked slightly. "Entertaining, by the way. But now I want to know who you were talking about. Whose heart will I be breaking?"
Aiko looked around frantically, trying to think of something to say. "I can't say anything. I've been sworn to secrecy."
Kakashi wasn't stupid. He was putting two and two together very quickly. Four of the Rookie 9 were against the engagement, Aiko was against it. And the only link between the two was a missing kunoichi who was in love with an older man. His mind raced at the implication. It was impossible, right? There was no way Sakura was in love with him. And yet, a traitorous voice in the back of his mind whispered it was entirely possible. And for some reason, the thought made him want to smile and smack his head against a brick wall at the same time. He stood and headed for the door. "I'm sorry, Aiko. I think I'll need to cut our tea short today. See you next week!"
As he slipped into his apartment, his mind replayed various scenes from the past two and a half years.
Aiko poking him in the market.
"You'll do."
Aiko when she ordered him to have tea with her.
"I'd rather keep some reasons to myself for now."
Ino talking to him on the Hokage Mountain.
"She's known you since she was 12....None of your quirks bother her."
When he spoke to the Hokage.
"Ino thinks it could be me." A flash of something in the Hokage's eyes, too quick to notice.
Aiko talking about Sakura.
"You love Sakura?"
"Thought I'd set my gorgeous granddaughter up with you."
His mind reeled as he plopped down on his bed and ran his hands over his face. "Shit!" This was certainly unexpected. And why did the thought of Sakura loving him make him so happy? Why did the thought also make him sick to his stomach? He needed a drink. None of it made sense.
He loved her, of course. But as he had explained to Aiko, he loved her as a dear friend and teammate. Sakura was too good for him. Too innocent, too pure. He couldn't even begin to consider saddling her with all of his emotional baggage and asking her to understand that there were some things he just didn't want to talk about. He just couldn't. The thought actually kind of scared him and he wasn't sure what to do about it.
The confused Copy Nin flew out of his apartment and headed for the corner store to pick up some liquor. If he was going to get falling down drunk, he'd rather do it in his own apartment. And falling down drunk sounded incredibly great right now.
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Sakura went about preparing for her date with Koji woodenly, her actions automated and detached. After receiving Tsunade's latest letter, the kunoichi had felt her heart crack and fracture in too many places to heal. Not that it mattered, chakra didn't work on emotional wounds anyway. It didn't matter that Kakashi wasn't willing to marry the other women. What mattered was the council was involved, and they had a tendency to twist the laws and regulations to fit their wishes. Sakura was convinced that she had lost her Copy Ninja before she even had him. She tried to tell herself it didn't matter. That she had Koji now and she loved him. Maybe if she said it enough, it would become the truth.
She had cried buckets of tears over the situation and just when she thought she had nothing left, the waterworks would start up again. The thought of Kakashi marrying another woman was excruciating. Picturing him giving that eye crease to some faceless woman, seeing her own dream of tiny Hatakes with white-hair running around with a different mother, envisioning Kakashi touching someone else passionately, all of it made her belly and chest constrict. Her throat would close up and her eyes would burn until she had to cry to relieve the physical and emotional pain that spread to every part of her body.
She would just have to let Kakashi go. No matter how painful or impossible it may be. She would probably always love him, but she would have to force herself to accept another if she didn't want to be alone forever. She kept telling herself she had gotten over Sasuke and she could do the same with Kakashi. But Sasuke had been puppy love, an innocent girl's vision of a boy who didn't even really exist. She knew Kakashi, the quirks, the habits, and loved every bit of him. Kakashi was real, her feelings for him were real. And they didn't matter now. The council would see to it that he married one of those women somehow, and Sakura would have to smile and accept it. After all, if she loved him, she could let him go just to see him happy. Her own feelings be damned.
Sakura attempted a smile in the mirror. It was forced, fake and not at all convincing, but maybe Koji wouldn't notice. He was a good man. He loved her, he treated her well, he could make her happy. She just needed to let him in and give him a chance. She loved him, right? That tiny little spark could grow into that raging inferno given the time and the chance. The words weren't convincing, but it didn't matter anymore.
She noticed the time for her date had arrived and adjusted her hair before pasting the fake smile on her face again.
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The evening was pleasant, as it always was with Koji and Sakura began to feel her barriers crumble. There was no need to hold back since Kakashi was no longer an option. No matter how much she loved him, he wasn't going to be hers. She looked over at Koji as they walked along the road back towards the palace. He was cute, very cute, smart, funny, endearing, loved her. She should give him a chance. He could make her happy. She loved him. She continued to lie in her head, a mantra to convince herself she was doing the right thing. "Koji?"
"Yes?"
Sakura blushed. "Could we maybe go back to your place for a while? I just don't want to go home yet."
They quickly reached his house and once inside, Koji gently pushed his date against a wall, careful not to alarm or hurt her. He leaned his forehead against hers. "Sakura, it may not be wise to be in here. It's getting harder for me to respect your wishes."
Sakura closed her eyes as she tipped her head up to capture his lips. Koji let her set the pace, holding back so he could control himself. Sakura deepened the kiss, trying to let the actions speak for themselves. When Sakura could still feel his restraint, she pulled away to whisper in his ear. "Kiss me."
"Sakura, I'm trying not to - "
His words caught in his throat when his gaze met Sakura's determined expression. "I said 'Kiss me.'"
"Please, Sakura. I'm not sure I could stop if things get to a certain point."
She took in his pained expression and gently took his hand, leading him down the hallway to his bedroom. She gently nipped his ear before she spoke, his whimper giving her the courage she needed. "Maybe you don't understand what I'm trying to say. I'm hoping our new location clears things up." She pulled back and locked her eyes with his. "Kiss me, Koji. Really kiss me."
Understanding dawned on the man and he wasted no time in pouring all of his passion into his kisses with the kunoichi. He was attentive and thorough, worshiping Sakura as he exposed more and more flesh.
Sakura closed her eyes and kept them closed. She knew it was wrong, knew she was using Koji for her own selfish purposes, but couldn't stop herself. Her heart was broken and she just wanted to feel loved while picturing Kakashi's face one time. One time and then she could let go. All she could ever have of Kakashi now were her fantasies of him and if Koji was willing to touch her in the sweet way he was now, she could revel in the touches and caresses as she pictured Kakashi with her.
She bit her lip as he entered her, bracing for the pain she had heard about. There was only an uncomfortable burning and stretching sensation that soon gave way to pleasure as she envisioned silver hair bobbing as Kakashi thrust into her behind her closed eyelids. She was careful to keep her sounds to little moans and gasps. She wanted to call out to Kakashi, to utter his name as her fantasy played in her mind, but knew anything of the sort would be cruel to the man above her, the one who thought the woman he loved had finally accepted him. As the thought sped through her mind, Sakura felt guilt clench all over again. The feeling was beginning to become all too familiar to the troubled singer.
Koji looked down at Sakura's closed eyes and felt his own burn. He knew what she was doing. She hadn't looked at him once since the whole thing had started and it was easy to guess where her mind was. He loved her. Why couldn't she see that and really give him a chance? He didn't just want her body. He wanted everything. His throat closed and with a small sob he implored her. "Sakura, please look at me."
The moment his tenor pierced the air and not Kakashi's baritone, Sakura's fantasy dissolved and her chest tightened with pangs of sorrow. This act that was done out of love on Koji's part, she had cheapened with her own selfish desires. As she looked up into his shimmering brown eyes, her own tears started. She had caused him so much pain that he just didn't deserve. He really was too good for her. Too good for the selfish, lying woman who couldn't forget the man who was out of her reach or tell him the truth about who she was.
She cupped his face and pulled him down for a deep and meaningful kiss. She did love him. But she loved Kakashi more. She tried to enjoy the act with Koji, tried to make love to him the way he deserved, but her heart just wasn't in it.
Koji held her closer, noticing how her movements became stilted once she opened her eyes. This was going to break his heart, but he loved her enough to give her what she wanted. "You can close your eyes. It's okay."
She wanted to tell him, 'no, it's not okay' and 'you deserve better', but the words never came and her eyes slipped closed again. The picture of Kakashi returned and with it so did her passion.
Koji followed suit. In his vision, Sakura was openly proclaiming her love for him in her actions, looking into his eyes as they joined their bodies as one. He knew this was the only time he would be with her like this, knew this was the last time he would kiss or caress her, knew they would never date again. Because even though he loved her with all he had, Koji wouldn't put himself through that punishment.
The two released together, Sakura biting her lip to stave off the urge to call the name of the man in her fantasy. When her heartbeat slowed and she opened her eyes, she saw Koji's gentle eyes staring sadly back at her, a broken expression on his tear-streaked face. Her tears started in again as she pulled him tighter against her, placing soft kisses on his cheek. "I'm sorry, Koji. So sorry. Please forgive me."
The sound of his voice, broken and pained drove the knife deeper into Sakura's heart. "I love you, Sakura. I just thought maybe you finally felt the same for me."
She couldn't contain her sobs as she clung to Koji, whispering pleas for forgiveness as she apologized. "I do love you, Koji. And I thought if we did this, then everything would be okay. I never meant to hurt you. Please don't hate me. I can understand if you do. I hate myself right now. But, I truly never meant to hurt you and I honestly do love you. Just not like I should."
The arms surrounding her tightened and the two drifted off to sleep. Koji cried himself to sleep in his loss, Sakura in her guilt.
She woke a few hours later, the guilt clenching again as she took in Koji's visage. She carefully removed herself from the bed and quickly and quietly dressed before pausing over the bed. Leaning down, she gently kissed Koji one last time. "There's a woman out there who will love you as you should be loved, Koji. And she will be one very lucky woman. I'm sorry that woman couldn't be me. As for me, the man I love is engaged. I truly wanted things to work out between us. Please don't avoid me or stop being my friend." She whispered to him, hoping his subconscious would stow away the information before hurrying from his house.
Koji's eyes fluttered open and he smiled slightly at her words as he heard his door close. "I'm sorry, too Sakura."
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Sakura read Tsunade's newest letter with duel feelings eating at her. Kakashi wasn't engaged, both women had refused after he was four hours late to each date and read 'Icha Icha' the entire time. Sakura laughed in glee, happy that Kakashi was still a free man and still the porn-reading, late to everything man she loved. Then her heart broke. She had wanted her first time to be with someone she loved and who loved her. She had imagined Kakashi whispering soothing words as he penetrated her for the first time, kissing away her tears as she adjusted to his fullness inside her. But she had given away her first time. She had allowed her emotions to run freely, to act recklessly and without thought, and had ruined her first time with pain and guilt that could have been avoided if she hadn't been so impatient.
She had done something incredibly stupid and even though she and Koji were trying to remain friends, she could see the pain in his eyes every time he looked at her. Sakura knew it would take time to heal and get through this, but it was tearing her up daily. Koji didn't blame her. He knew she was still in love with someone else, but had allowed it to happen anyway, hoping it would turn Sakura's thoughts to him instead. And of course, Sakura couldn't blame him. It was her idea. She had started it and he had tried to stop her, but she was too stubborn and hurt to think things through.
With a sigh, she wrote to Tsunade, telling her everything. She needed to vent, to tell someone. She had told Koyuki and the older woman wasn't speaking to her at the moment. Koji told her he would talk to Koyuki on her behalf and tell her it wasn't Sakura's fault. Which he had, but Koyuki said it would take some time to forgive the younger woman for hurting someone like that. Sakura understood and thought she fully deserved the scorn.
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Tsunade's eyes misted over as she read Sakura's heart-wrenching letter. "You stupid girl."
Kakashi and Naruto watched in concern. The Hokage wasn't an emotional woman, but Sakura's letter was clearly painful to read. Kakashi narrowed his eyes in worry. "Tsunade-sama?"
Tsunade made an attempt to regain her stoic facade, but her face crumpled right away and she let out a shaky sigh. "Just listen."
I've done something terribly stupid, shishou. When I read your last letter, I let my emotions get the better of me. I read the whole thing of course, but after that one devastating sentence, the others didn't matter.
Plenty of people had told me I needed to date to learn what I truly wanted in a relationship and so I did. I had been dating Koji for six months when I received your news. For six months, he had been everything a girl dreams of having in a boyfriend, though I hate to use that label for him. He had been kind and devoted and funny and smart and encouraging and he was just adorable. And he loved me. As soon as he said it, I should have called things off knowing I would only cause him more pain by leading him on. And it did hurt him that I couldn't return the sentiment. But I carried on, thinking if I just let him have a chance, maybe my feelings for another would fade. I've never truly thought I had a chance with my older man, but a woman's hopes aren't so easily crushed. Especially for one who dreams of romance as I do.
But after your letter, I had convinced myself I had lost him forever. And so, I let my selfishness take over and I used poor, sweet Koji. My first time was supposed to be special, full of love and emotion, and it would have been if I truly loved Koji. Instead I pictured the man I love, I let a fantasy block out what was truly happening and in the process, I hurt Koji and myself.
I'm expecting people to hate me, to call me terrible things and curse me for eternity. And I can never apologize to Koji enough for what I did. Nor can I apologize enough to another. If by some miracle, he does return my affections, I can't give him that one thing I had been saving for him.
I guess the only thing I can do at this point is accept it and move on. Easier said than done, but I'm a strong woman and I will make it through this. I've enclosed some photos of myself and Koji. He is adorable, isn't he? He'll make some woman very happy someday and I'm actually sort of disappointed that it isn't me.
Remember to tell my boys that I love them and I can't wait to see them again.
All my love,
Sakura
Naruto was silent, but Tsunade could see the ticking of his jaw. The boy really did wear his heart on his sleeve. But whether his sorrow was for Sakura, Koji or the thought that his childhood crush was no longer innocent, she couldn't say.
Kakashi looked nonchalant to the normal observer, but the straight-backed posture and the fists clenched at his sides gave him away. The conflicted Copy Ninja was torn between elation and agony. Sakura's first experience hadn't been what she expected and he truly felt for her. His own had been a drunken fumble when he joined ANBU, hating the thought of dying a virgin. And he always regretted not being more choosy in his selection, picking someone he could enjoy his time with instead of the older prostitute he had hired in his drunken haze. Sakura regretting her first time was not something that settled well with him. The thought that he could have given her what she needed flew through his mind and he wanted to knock himself out. She was a child, for heaven's sake! That traitorous part of his brain whispered again, telling him she was over 18 and an adult now and that she had wanted her first time to be with him, but he ignored it. The elation was due to the fact that Sakura wasn't as innocent as she had been. She was now touchable, real, not the unstained vision of purity he had made her out to be. He no longer had to worry about tainting her physically, releasing him of his earlier Catch 22. The thought that maybe they could work out made him silence his mind, fearful of what it may whisper to him next.
With another sigh, Tsunade picked up the small stack of photos and flipped through them, smiling softly. "He is a cutie." Her eyes grew round and her jaw dropped. "Holy shit! That's my Sakura?!"
The two men lunged forward, eager to get at the photos. Tsunade snatched them back before either one could lay a finger on the glossy prints. "I'll show you, but be patient so you don't destroy them." She took her time as she went through the stack of three photos, smiling softly at the young woman in them.
She handed them to Naruto who quickly scanned each, squeaking out "Sakura-chan?" as his own mouth dropped.
Kakashi was better at schooling his features, but even he was struck by the image of Sakura. In the first photo, Sakura was bundled up in a mid-thigh length black wool coat, black gloves and a gray scarf was wrapped around her neck. Her arms wrapped around a brightly smiling man in glasses as she pecked him on the cheek. In the second picture, he could see that her hair had grown out to her mid-back and it was curled with half of it pulled into a bun at the back of her head. She was wearing jeans and a sweater while she leaned against the same man from the first picture, the two seated in front of a fancy looking fireplace. Kakashi resisted the urge to suck in a breath. That wasn't the little girl who left Konoha. It couldn't have been, the woman in the photos was an adult. A beautiful full-grown adult. Kakashi's head began to spin, but he continued on as if nothing had affected him. In the third photo, the two were standing on a pier, the ocean stretched out behind them. Sakura was smiling brightly at the camera, but the man was looking at her fondly. From the expression on his face, Kakashi could tell the man truly did love their Cherry Blossom. He handed the photos to Tsunade. "Sakura has always been pretty, but in those pictures she's absolutely beautiful."
Naruto piped in. "She's HOT!"
The Hokage laughed, Naruto's words and expression helping to erase some of the melancholy from the kunoichi's letter. "Get out of here. I've got work to do." She smiled at the two, who smiled back before exiting her office.
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It took another six months for things to be repaired between Koji and Sakura. The two months they spent apart while Sakura worked on 'Moulin Rouge' probably had a lot to do with it. She had blown them away in her audition and she had won the lead role of Satine without competition. She was phenomenal and the buzz about her winning an award for her performance started as soon as sneak peeks of the film were being allowed.
With her first movie completed, she figured it was time to really buckle down and work on her new album. She had written plenty of songs, the process cathartic for the guilt-stricken singer. However, sharing personal songs was a little too personal right now. It wouldn't be fair to Koji to put out a record filled with songs about longing for someone you can't have or unfairly using someone when the wounds were still so fresh, when things were just beginning to resemble normal again between them.
She waltzed into Hiro's office and plopped down in the chair in front of him. He glanced up and locked a blank gaze on the young woman. "Can I help you?" Apparently, he was still a bit miffed at her.
A stray piece of pink fell into her line of sight and she blew it out of her face in a comical display before speaking. "I've decided to hand the reigns back to you. Hopefully, the third album will be my songs, but I'm just ready to get back into the studio and release an album."
The producer gave a 'whoop' of triumph before shoving Sakura into a sound booth. "We rehearsed these songs before you took off, so run through them again and then we'll start recording."
Sakura laughed brightly at his eagerness before getting down to business.
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She did put a few of her songs in the list for her album and had managed to steer Hiro a bit more towards the rock sound she had fallen in love with. She was now between pop and rock, hoping her future concerts would be more about the music and less about the spectacle.
On the eve before her 19th birthday, the whole 'Sakura' camp was ensconced in one of Snow's more trendy clubs which had been rented out for the night to celebrate her birthday in peace. Sakura eyed her quiet grandmother with some concern. The woman was NOT the quiet type and the guilty glances were making the young woman nervous. "What's wrong, Grandma?"
The fake smile only increased the singer's concern and she quickly sat in a chair at the table occupied by her parents and grandmother. Her once light green eyes had darkened over the past couple of years to forest green, the new darker color giving her a more piercing stare. Aiko tried to avoid the gaze locked on her but couldn't deny her beloved granddaughter for long. "I think I may have said something I shouldn't have."
Sakura's eyebrows shot up, already pretty sure where this was going. Her grandmother's mouth had a tendency to run away from her. "You didn't!"
With a guilty smile timidly given to her, she slumped in defeat. "What did you say?"
Aiko sighed. "You know when the elders were trying to force Kakashi to marry?"
Sakura nodded, her stomach clenching unpleasantly at all the memories that drug up.
"Well, I told him it wasn't just his heart at stake, that he would be breaking someone else's. It just spilled out. I never mentioned your name, but I think he put things together. Before we could talk about you just fine, but now he changes the subject."
Sakura felt a pang in her heart. Obviously, he didn't feel the same. If he did, he wouldn't shut out talk of her like that. "I see." With a forced smile, she rose from her seat. "It's okay, Grandma. I know you didn't mean to say anything to him." She hugged the older woman tightly before pecking her on her wrinkled cheek.
Sakura's parents eyed her worriedly and her mom placed a warm hand on her forearm. "Are you really okay, sweetie?"
"I'm fine, Mom really. I never expected he would love me back so it's not like I'm devastated or anything." She smiled again before heading off to find Hajime, pulling the surprised man onto the dance floor.
She was far from fine and her family knew that, but they also knew it was useless to push the issue. Sakura would talk about it when she was ready. The only thing they could do was be there for her when she was ready to talk about it.
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Kakashi leaned back in his desk chair, staring unseeingly up at his ceiling. Sakura would be 19 tomorrow and he was missing her fiercely. She had been gone from home for so long that he wasn't sure he would know her anymore once she did return. He wondered what she was up to, as he often did when he was alone. He wouldn't deny he was anxious for her to return. He had always enjoyed Sakura's company and witty retorts and he missed those more than he thought he would. Those photos of her had blindsided him and he was struck by how beautiful and grown she had become in just two years. He wouldn't mind trying a relationship with that grown woman in the photos, wouldn't mind seeing if there was an intellectual connection to back up the physical attraction he felt. He realized with a sigh that it didn't matter. He didn't know where she was or what she was up to and Tsunade wouldn't tell him. It was awkward to talk about her with Aiko considering he was practically salivating over the old woman's granddaughter. So he always changed the subject. The Haruno matriarch was probably misinterpreting his reluctance to discuss Sakura, but he didn't know what to tell her without giving away his own thoughts on the subject.
A tap on his window had him swinging his head around. He alternately groaned and rejoiced when he saw an ANBU operative sitting on his windowsill holding a mission scroll. He didn't relish the thought of going on an ANBU mission, but the usually long stint would keep his mind occupied while Sakura was away.
He arrived in the Godaime's office and slouched like usual in his ANBU gear. "Yo."
"Kakashi, I hate to ask this of you, but I need a team leader and no one else who can fill the position available."
When he nodded, she continued. "This mission is long term and a joint effort with Hidden Cloud. There is a suspicious poison circulating in Lightning Country and I need your squad to track down where it's coming from and destroy the base and anyone connected to it. We don't have much more information than that, so you'll be gone a few months at least. Head to Hidden Cloud and have the Raikage debrief you before meeting the squad you'll be working with. Be careful and you all leave at dawn. Dismissed!"
He gave his lazy wave before disappearing in a puff of smoke.
Tsunade rested her head in her hands. "I'm sorry, Sakura. I had no choice."
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A/N: And another chapter...done. You can thank three cans of Full Throttle energy drink for this. Though it was terribly hard to sit still with all that caffeine running through me, it also made my mind spin out of the funk it had gotten itself into. Review if you have time! Smooches!