Well, I updated kinda quickly, didn't I? Oh, never mind, I guess it was three weeks. My desperate apologies. Altho personally, I think it'll be worth the wait. Well, maybe not the entire wait. But two weeks, at least. I actually like it quite a lot.

I felt absolutely terrible for what I had asked of Jasper.

The second I watched him stumble from the room, thoughts in turmoil, and Alice half-pulling, half-dragging him into the woods, my guilt intensified and I spent the three days he was gone in utter hell.

I was in hell anyway, of course, but the guilt had only intensified everything that much further. I had spent most of it sitting with my knees drawn up to my chin leaning against the wall of my room that was just glass, waiting for him to come back. The only time I moved from that position was for my daily phone call with Jacob and when Esme or Rosalie came in with Renesmee. Within minutes of their departure, Jasper and Alice were both of out of hearing range, but as Alice's mind was flickering out I was almost sure I caught three days…maybe more…

So at least I knew a little about their absence.

I did my best to explain to the others about what had happened: I had sought Jasper out, overwhelmed him, Alice took him away for a few days to calm him down, he'd be back soon, as far as I knew…

Rosalie was disgusted with me, but then again, what did I do that didn't insult her these days? She didn't put her disgust into verbal jabs, but I could hear her thoughts perfectly, as she well knew. I couldn't blame her. This was her way of showing that she was not accepting my imminent death; she dealt me no concessions in my last days. You took advantage of Jasper, Edward, just because you couldn't figure out how you would get out of the mess you got yourself into. Don't you know how hard these past few weeks have been on him? Especially with you around. You completely took him off guard with a question that's absolutely none of his business. Why should he have all the answers? Use that puny little brain and figure out a solution that doesn't hurt the rest of us, for once…

It went on quite a bit longer, but after a certain amount of time, some of her arguments began to repeat themselves, and she began to get bored with mentally berating me and moved on to other things - namely, coddling Renesmee and trying to forget.

I tried not to be with my daughter any more than I had to - how could I look into those eyes without dying that much more inside? - but Rosalie was very persistent in forcing her to get to know me. I, frankly, didn't see the point - what would they tell the child when I was gone? But Rosalie was always bringing her for me to hold. It was true, she was usually asleep when Rosalie put her into my arms, and I did appreciate that gesture - but her dreams were just as bad as her eyes. Mostly, they were filled with Bella, apparently the only memory she had, Bella, bruised, bleeding, and smiling, forcing me to relive those terrible moments again and again and again. These moments I spent watching a sleeping Renesmee's dreams had by far been the worst part of those two weeks since the funeral.

There was another reason I hated holding her. Like I had told Rosalie, I did love Renesmee. She was beautiful, more so in sleep, bright, engaging…a miracle. A miracle that I would never see grow, or develop. One I would never see on her first day of school, or when she graduated. One I would never see married or so in love that her head would spin and she would be unable to focus on anything but that lucky man. I would never feel those pangs of jealousy that came to every father when they saw their daughter with a boy, never feel the nostalgia when she grew up too fast.

But most importantly, I would never feel the overwhelming pain when she died.

We didn't know that she would, of course - we had no idea about anything. But Carlisle had predicted that, if her rate of growth stayed the same, she would be over one hundred in physical age in ten years.

Just ten short years with my daughter, the only thing left of Bella, and then she would be gone for good.

That is, if I were to stay that long. Which I would not. Just ten days more would be a stretch for me.

I didn't want to say it, admit it to myself even, but Renesmee had a strong gravitational pull - stronger than I could ever have anticipated. I found myself almost…reluctant when Esme would come into the room, see my tortured expression and the sleeping baby in my arms and take pity on me, whisking her out of my arms and quietly departing the room.

But that didn't mean I wanted to remain on this earth any longer than was necessary. It just made me…almost sad to leave Renesmee behind. I had no doubt that Rosalie would be the best mother possible, but Renesmee…she needed a father. Every child needed a father.

And I wouldn't be able to provide that to her. Emmett would try, Carlisle would try, but it should have been me. It should have been, but it couldn't.

The thought made me sad, but it only hastened me to leave now, while I still could. I did not want to be caught up in the snare Rosalie was so obviously setting for me. I did not want to love Renesmee so much that I would stay on this earth for her.

I did not want to stay, and yet I loved her.

She wasn't really a baby anymore. She was nearly a toddler. She could walk, she could speak…I knew that I had to go soon. If she had a vampire's perfect memory, it would already be too late, but if she was more human in that aspect, I might be able to save her from the pain of knowing what you've lost and wanting it back. She already recognized me as her father. If luck was with me, she might forget me, my face molding into Jasper and Emmett and Carlisle's.

But then again, she might not, and she might go the rest of her life yearning for the father she barely knew.

It killed me, but I had to do it. I couldn't stay. Bella was waiting for me. And even if she wasn't, she certainly wasn't anywhere on earth, and therefore, I couldn't stay. And when Renesmee died, maybe she would join us, if wherever we were, we were together. But if there was no afterlife, and I never saw Bella again, neither would I see Renesmee, and I could only hope that I would feel nothing.

If I stayed for another ten years, and Renesmee died...I didn't think I could stand that. I knew my love for her would grow only stronger, exponentially stronger, that what I was feeling now, this undeniable attraction for her, was only the entry stage. When she died, not only would I have the burning, sickening pain of Bella's death, which would have grown so strong after ten years festering, but the exploding, fiery pain of Renesmee's. I wasn't sure I would be able to last even a minute, but surely it would be the same as this time? Weeks of deliberating, while all the time I suffered.

Admittedly, I was taking a huge gamble by killing myself. It was a sin, after all, along with the countless other sins I had committed. Perhaps I would be forced to some version of the Greek Tartarus, forced, like Tantalus with his water, to watch Bella, day in and day out, but never be able to touch her, never be able to speak to her. Perhaps I would even be forced to watch her with another man, some sort of hallucination. I knew Bella would never do that in real life. Or perhaps that would be part of the torture? Knowing that she betrayed my trust.

Then again, that was one extreme. The other would be a blissful reunion, eternity forever where death couldn't happen because we had both already died. And maybe, somewhere in there, Renesmee would join us, and then we'd be the happy family Bella had died to give me.

It was everything or nothing - less than nothing, actually - but it was a risk I was willing to take.

The only thing left to decide was what to do and how to do it. It had to be quick, because I knew if we took too long my conversion would be complete and I would not be able to stay away from Renesmee. But yet, I knew I couldn't rush Jasper, and the Volturi, though probably only too happy to provide a pesky Cullen with death, even one so coveted as me, would complicate things unneccessarily. I had to wait for Jasper, but I was in a race against time.

And so when I saw him bounding through the trees with Alice right behind him, I all but ran for the porch.

I was waiting there when he bounded up onto the porch in a single leap. He came to a sudden stop just before, and Alice stopped just in front of him, mentally debating whether to stay or go inside the house. Would you mind terribly if I stayed, Edward? she asked me. She wanted to be there for Jasper - apparently he had come to a momentous conclusion - but wanted to give us our privacy.

Slowly, I let my eyes move up and down, telling her that yes, I would mind. It felt odd, reverting back to that method we had used so often in the Forks cafeteria before Bella moved here, but only occasionally since.

Of course she understood, though. She gave a little pout and opened her mouth to speak just as Jasper, totally ignorant of what had just passed between us, said, "I'm sorry we've been so long, Edward." Certain overprotective people refused to let me leave any earlier than this.

Alice snorted, guessing what Jasper was telling me internally. Don't listen to him, Edward. Any fool could see he needed a break. Except for you, I guess. And don't think I'm not mad at you for causing his breakdown in the first place…but I'll let that slide for now.

I ignored their banter, focusing instead on Jasper, letting him feel the heavy guilt that had been plaguing me. "It was completely understandable, Jasper. I'm sorry for coming up on you out of the blue like I did. That was inexcusable. Your reaction was entirely to be expected."

He shook off my apology.

The silence was awkward but very brief.

"I'm going inside," Alice announced, and ducked underneath my arm into the house. She sprinted towards the computers at the back wall to work on the fashion programs she'd made, doing everything in her power not to turn around and eavesdrop at the door.

I appreciated that more than she knew.

Jasper took a deep breath. I looked on him with what I hoped was interest.

"Edward…Edward, I think…" he trailed off, looking pained. I tried to be patient, but inside I was reeling. I knew how much lay with this conversation.

"You shouldn't go to the Volturi," he said.

Rosalie, shamelessly listening in from inside the house, thought, Finally! Maybe you'll listen to Jasper. He's right, and it would be foolish not to realize it.

Carlisle was very respectfully doing his best not to listen, just like Alice was, but Esme and Emmett, though slightly more guiltily, could not help themselves.

"Jasper," I murmured quietly, "If you want this conversation to remain mostly private, I suggest we converse mentally, as much as possible. There's some eavesdropping going on…"

He nodded silently, unsuprised, and continued on inside his head. You can't go to the Volturi, he thought seriously. It would be a foolish option, and you know it. And don't doubt that I will stop you, should you try. I won't let you put so many lives at risk, no matter how impatient for your death you may be.

I thought about this gravely. In truth, I had expected something of his answer, but there was one gaping hole in his logic.

"If you want me to depend on the wolves, then...that is what you are implying, I presume - what if they say no? Where will I turn? Or are you suggesting I shouldn't die if Jacob denies me?"

No, Jasper said. If Jacob decides against it, nobody can force him. We'll ask any of the other wolves to do it. Leah, perhaps, would be more willing. And if they all refuse…well, there was one other idea that I had…

Here it was, then. The big news I had guessed at.

If the wolves decline, Jasper said slowly, carefully choosing each word, then I will kill you.

Words could not express my feelings for Jasper at that moment.

He clutched at the banister of the porch, his back bowed at the sudden onslaught of emotion. But there was no panic or desperation in his eyes as he forced it at bay. He had been expecting that, and he had been ready.

Love was, as best as Jasper could decipher as I read his analysis back from him, the most prominent emotion. I would agree with that. I loved him more in that moment than I ever had before. What kind of brother would agree to do something like this for me? A greater, braver man than I had ever realized lay inside Jasper.

That, of course, sounded a bit insulting, but really it was a compliment. I didn't think I had ever undestimated Jasper. I had always known his desire to do what was right far surpassed most vampires and humans alike. I had always admired his will of steel, his stoicism when it was required and surprising tenderness when it wasn't, though so often the impassive side of him was mistaken as callousness. His bravery, too, I didn't think I had underestimated, but in that moment I found that all of those things and more existed in Jasper more strongly than I had ever realized. And I loved him, more deeply and on different levels than ever before.

Pain was another dominant emotion, Jasper thought, his face wincing as he took it on. Of course there was. As brothers, his pain was, to an extent, my pain. I knew what killing me would do to him, and it hurt me deeply.

Pride, gratitude, appreciation, even a tinge of jealousy, envy of what he could do for others - I knew I could never be that strong, never be strong enough to purposefully, willingly kill one I loved. All those emotions, and some deeper, strange ones which had no human name, they were all tangled into a heavy, undecipherable knot that Jasper gave up trying to sort out.

"Jasper…Jasper, I don't know what to say. Honestly, I would like to say I could never ask you to do that, but I can, and I will. No, not ask - I beg. Please, I beg of you to put yourself through that for me. It would be the most I could ever ask of you, and of course it would be the last."

You don't have to beg, Jasper thought, I've already decided. Although, I can't say I look forward to it. Killing my own brother doesn't sound like too much fun.

He smiled weakly, trying to infuse a bit of humor into the dark conversation. Was it for himself, to try and lessen some of the burden on his shoulders? I felt so bad about that.

My phone vibrated in my pocket, but I ignored it. Whoever was calling me, it couldn't be as important as what we were talking about.

"Thank you, Jasper," I said fervently, trying to let him know the magnitude behind my gratitude. Of course, my weak voice couldn't even begin to express it. "Thank you so, so much. And if there's anything I can do for you in these last few days, anything at all…please, it would be my pleasure. I owe you everything."

There is something you can do, actually, Jasper said, could you please try and be less depressed? I won't ask you to be more happy - I know that's impossible - but your pain obviously becomes my pain, which in turn becomes Alice's pain, which becomes my pain again…it's a vicious cycle, and to tell you the truth, your emotions aren't having a positive effect on anyone else, either. Just try and focus on the fact that you'll be with Bella soon and stop feeling so tortured. It's all I ask.

And, actually - could you please try and humor Rosalie about Renesmee a little more? She really is an engaging child, and she's so confused about what you are in her life. Whenever I hold her, she always puts your face into my head, asking where you are and who you are, how I'm related to you…you're a major part of her world, Edward. You're her father, and she misses you.

I didn't share my reasons for distancing myself from Renesmee, only smiled wanly and told him I would give it my best effort. In truth, it was…almost exhausting keeping myself so distant from her. My heart, whatever was left of it, wanted to become close to her.

And of course I couldn't deny Jasper anything now.

I slowly hugged him, trying to portray my feelings for him in that simple gesture. He understood, less from my awkward movements and more from my heavy emotions, and returned the hug.

Jasper disappeared inside and I pulled my phone from my pocket, glancing at the caller ID. I wasn't sure who would be calling me. All the members of my family were inside and didn't need to use the phone.

Shock coursed through me when I looked at the name.

1 MISSED CALL

BLACK, JACOB (HOME)

465-3457

Why was he calling me? There was only one reasonable explanation. He had come to a decision.

With inhuman and nearly in-vampire speed, I hit 8 on my speed dial and then SEND. After eighteen days of daily phone calls, it had gotten rather annoying to dial his whole number.

The phone rang twice and then Jacob picked up.

"Too busy and important to talk to me, bloodsucker? You don't feel that way every friggin' day when you call me." He was in a bad mood. I couldn't decide whether this was good for my case or bad.

"I'm very sorry, Jacob," I said politely. "I was in the middle of a very important, very serious conversation."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Please - what news do you have for me?" My voice was drawing closer to a beg again. The suspense was unbearable.

"Look. I'm not gonna kill you, Edward," Jacob said unceremoniously, his voice harsh. "I know I made a promise, but it was stupid. I was stupid when I made it. I wasn't thinking straight. I was angry. You of all people ought to know what anger does to you. But I don't think I should be held accountable for what I said then. You have plenty of other ways to die. Use one of them, and please don't call me again."

There was silence.

"And oh yeah - I don't know if you were thinking about this, though your fancy bloodsucker mind probably has, but no one else over here is interested either. Not even Paul or Leah or even Sam. Weird, eh? They both came over here to tell me so, just in case you called and asked about them. So please - leave the pack alone."

His voice was disgustingly cocky and antagonizing. I wondered if he was really feeling awful about what he had just done to me, and his board, brash façade was to hide that. I truly hoped so, because I had held Jacob in a very high esteem, and this had just ruined it for me.

The phone disconnected, and I was suddenly so angry at him, at the world, that I smashed the phone down as hard as I could on the porch floor. It shattered of course, and there was a groan as some of the boards below splintered.

"How could he?" I bellowed in an ear-splitting, uncontrollable yell.

Carlisle was outside in a split second. It seemed even his perfect character let him listen in on what had just transpired.

"I'm sorry, Edward," he whispered. I couldn't answer.

Inside, Jasper collapsed into Alice's waiting arms.

Much thanks to TheSingingGirl for the betaing.

And also, please don't call that number. I have no idea if it's a real number or not, only that the first three are real. I hate using 555.