To say I was surprised would have been a severe understatement. I just sat there on the dirt ground staring up at the braid dangling off the hammock. The string holding the braid together was sewn with tiny feathers and clay beads. It was most definitely Tsu'tey's braid. Funny thing, I remembered distinctly his cruel attitude, but that did not stop me from feeling pure joy at having found him alive. If I were less decent I perhaps would have draped myself over him and cried, but alas I was not as dramatic as my sister.
"Where have you been?" My voice sounded higher than I remembered, "we were all so worried!" A hand clasped roughly over my mouth as I was dragged forcefully up the tree.
"Be quiet!" Tsu'tey hissed, his large hand still covering my face. His spit flew on my face. His breath smelled rotten and immediately caused me to recoil. In the clan we chewed sweet tasting leaves to keep our mouths healthy, but obviously there was no such privilege for Tsu'tey out here. I started to struggle but stopped when the clear cry of a NanTang sliced through the air. All I could hear from then on was our heavy breathing.
We waited until we could no longer smell or hear the NanTang anymore. It seemed to me the danger had passed, yet still my mouth was covered. It was becoming excessively ridiculous. Come to think of it, Tsu'tey was the one who'd flipped me onto the ground below in the first place! I tried to speak but only muffled cries came through, so I bared my teeth and bit into his hand. I would never have dared to do this before but the smell of the forest, the insects chirping and danger looming all around grabbed at me. It was as if I were becoming part of the forest itself- wild.
Instead of crying out and withdrawing his hand like I'd expected, he only chuckled behind me, his chest vibrating against my back. "Your teeth are weak! Have you eaten only fruits all your life?"
I had only a moment to gain my humility again and feel extremely embarrassed. There is this feeling that we get in our nose in the moment just before tears gush from our eyes- that feeling was hitting me hard.
To my relief he did withdraw his hand. "Now tell me why you are out here. Did they send you to look for me?" He laid back and waited for my answer, but at the same time I was made aware of our compromising position in the small hammock. It had not been small to me when I was the only one in it! I could not see anything but I felt his chest against my back. I was lifted gently up and down by his breathing. I could not find myself to reply because partly I could not even understand his question in my weakened state of mind. My world was spinning first from the realization that he was alive, and second from the mix of emotions and body positions I was flipped to and fro by.
Instead, my mind wandered: what did Tsu'tey look like now? Was his face riddled with scars? Did he still have two eyes?
A sigh escaped him. "Fine then, speak to me in the morning. You may sleep in my hammock tonight."
Something hit me as dangerously wrong. Tsu'tey was being too kind. From what I knew of him, it would've made more sense if he'd just kicked me out of his hammock and left me for the beasts. Or perhaps he would even kill me and eat my flesh, (alright, maybe not) but offering me his own hammock?
Before I could reply the hammock swung, free of his weight. The night died away in silence.
I did not open my eyes although I knew light had already settled. It was morning but all was too quiet. The unreal feeling of lying suspended upon Tsu'tey's hammock made each breath uneven. Was he watching me? Could he tell I was already awake? If I opened my eyes now, would this all be gone?
My mind cleared. I was to bring Tsu'tey back to the clan! Last night had been the first night! It had to be! Eywa was right in saying the nights would come quickly in fast succession. My life was changing. Did that mean I could return to the clan today? I could not remember what came next after the first night as of now, but I was sure I would recall it sometime today. Eywa's words are never forgotten, such was her curse.
I was not sure if Tsu'tey was anywhere near me. I could not tell for sure what he would do if I woke, so I kept my eyes dutifully closed. Last night had been a blur, but I did remember his kindness. Why? Was he not the man who hurt me so terribly with his words? Why would he offer me his own hammock in my time of need? I simply could not make any sense of it.
Na'vi warriors were stealthy and moved quietly, so I listened for quite some time for any signs of movement. Tsu'tey was no where near. Feeling a loss in my mind, I opened my eyes and was immediately assaulted with direct light.
It took a while to get used to. I scoffed, wiping my eyes which had begun to tear up. It was just like Tsu'tey to find the one spot in this entire forest that let through such light. Did he look up at the light every morning like he used to in the clan? He no longer had a home, I realized. Back in the clan he had a spacious home with everything he could ever need… But out here he had to provide for himself every day. There was only a hammock for him, the barest of all necessities.
In the light I could clearly make out the woven fibers of the hammock. It had not been a natural occurrence after all. Tsu'tey had made this hammock himself, and by the looks of it, had done a very good job. I had not known any warriors possessed such skill. I drew my fingertips over the material, feeling it stretch and pull. The floor beneath me was a circle of dirt, a stark contrast with the layers and layers of vegetation growing all around. It seemed a fire had once been burning there. A small pile of charred twigs and burnt leaves was being blown to and fro by the lazy morning breeze.
I brought my nose up to the air and took a deep breath in, taking in all the details I could. There was the constant lingering scent of beasts, which made me question Tsu'tey's intentions. He'd purposely set up home here of all places. Was it because of the light? He'd put his hammock directly underneath it.
Most likely he was out hunting or doing some other thing warriors did in their spare time. I could not help but worry over what I could say to him. Last night he made it clear that he meant to speak with me, but what could I say? Last night Tsu'tey was definitely not begging me to lead him back to the clan. In fact, he probably knew exactly where the clan was and how to get to it, whilst I had not the slightest idea. My heart sank upon the realization. How would I return to my clan? Would Tsu'tey be kind enough to show me the way back? Of course not, Yishat, I thought, you are an adult now- you have an Ikran. Use it.
But something seemed terribly off.
As children growing up, all of use Na'vi children knew that at some point we would all be bonded to an Ikran. Some families deemed it as a very significant turning point and some didn't. My family cared more for mating than for the taming of the Ikran because we lived low in the Na'vi hierarchy. We were directly concerned about children and family funds, not our skill in the air. Meanwhile, those destined to be warriors sought independence and regarded the Ikran taming very, very seriously.
However there was one consistent thing that all of us were taught, or in fact, not taught. We were not told how we could call our own Ikran once it was tamed. I suppose it must have been obvious back then- call for the creature mentally through the bond of Eywa; through Eywa's breath that lingers in the space between sky and ground. Every child came to this conclusion on their own- if there is no explanation, trust Eywa. Always.
My Ikran would not come for me. I felt no bond that made anything any different than how I felt before. In the still silence of the morning I began to shake, wondering if I had done something wrong, if I had not tamed my Ikran after all. Now that I thought about it, yesterday had been a very rushed and confusing day. In fact, I was panicking so much yesterday I only recalled now A'mari'k's calm face.
He had not come to my aid when I called for him, but he did give me provisions to last the night. These seemed like complete opposite actions that I couldn't make sense of. I was left to draw my own conclusions but I couldn't find any. A'mari'k had confused me for the longest time. At first I thought he was dumb and ignorant, then came a frightening time when his cruel ingenuity was made clear to me… Then he became kind and lastly, insensitive. What was this all about? Could I trust him to return to the clan and speak the truth? It seemed like I had no choice.
I imagined myself leading Tsu'tey back to the clan in the middle of the night. Oh, and in the morning there would be such celebration! Yishat the hero!
But alas, it was not meant to me. I was torn from my fantasies by the beast-like growling of my stomach. I flushed, knowing full well I might not be able to find any food on my own without Tsu'tey. The thought made me uneasy- I did not like to depend on people. It was all looking grim before I remembered the small sack of dried fruits A'mari'k had given me. It was not much, but it would quiet my stomach so that I would not make a fool of myself in front of Tsu'tey.
I padded all around my waist where I kept my possessions tied up… The bag of fruit was not there. In fact, everything was gone. I gave a startled yelp and almost fell off the hammock. The hunting knife, my only weapon, was stripped away. The bag of medicinal herbs was gone also. With realization like dark falling over light, I realized Tsu'tey had taken everything while I slept.
I don't think I would have minded so much if he'd beaten me into a bloodied mess and taken my things forcefully. However, as it stood he took my things while I was sleeping. His touch must also have been either very gentle or very skilled, for I did not feel a thing. Shame washed over me, and I felt as if I had been violated. It was all made worse when I gave myself a more thorough check and found that all my everyday jewelry was gone also. Even the simple string of beads holding my hair together was taken.
He'd taken all my things, without which I had no hope for survival. Yes, Na'vi were meant to be part of Eywa's body, part of the earth… But I was uneducated and in a very confusing world. Even if Eywa protected me from the Nantang, there was still Tsu'tey to put a knife to my throat if needed be.
Pulling my knees up to my chest, I tried in vain to muffle out the sounds of my stomach protesting. I was a home tender but did not specialize in plants and animals. I didn't think I'd ever need to use such knowledge, but now as I rocked back and forth on the hammock I realized just how wrong I had been. Thorns and vines covered the ground for as far as I could see, and there were no fruits that grew here. Everything was lush green. A tear or so dropped from my eyes without consent, so I scrubbed vigorously at my face, trying to erase the wet trail.
Only women cried. Legend had it that Eywa granted the Na'vi women the ability to cry and denied this of men. Eywa made it so that women spilled water from their eyes when hurt. Men were known to cry very little, if at all. When they did cry it was a sign that Eywa was with them and was sending her healing waters to cleanse their souls. For the Omaticaya clan, it was believed that such waters came directly from Eywa's womb. The Horse Clan of the Plains believed the tears were actually Eywa's blood. They linked the pain of women to the pain of Eywa herself. Each clan once again had a slightly different version of such stories that set our belief systems apart.
Oh, how much I would give to have just one sip of water or one bite of fruit… Your tears, your sweat, your blood pours from my eyes but you send me no pity. Great Eywa, at least show me Tsu'tey's face! Let me know he is not leaving me here!
When it all became too much to bear, I stumbled down the tree and decided to search for my own food. It was a daunting decision, for I could not tell which plant was poisonous and must not wander far from here or else I would not be able to find my way back.
The expanse of forest loomed over and all around me, shrinking me to the size of the tiniest seed. How could anyone survive out here?
One foot in front of the other, I stepped carefully across a masterful weave of vines and sinews on the earth. Ka'iil could learn something from this. Some strands were slimy, some rough like sand. Eventually I came over a pool of water. I could not tell if it was some kind of black water or just plain water over a black patch of dirt. I was thirsty, but I was not tempted to sample it. I could still see the hammock if I decided to turn back, but it was slowly becoming swallowed by ferns and hanging foliage.
One step out.
With the sound of a reverberating twang, I was pulled off my feet until I dangled upside down in the air. I started to shout and scream, desperate to claw at whatever creature was surely trying to eat me. I had yet to fulfill my prophecy! I couldn't die yet!
In my moment of panic I managed to take hold of some kind of rope or vine. I tugged on it urgently as if it would somehow free me. I was rewarded with a pained yelp, but it was not at all what I was expecting.
"Let go of my hair! Let go or I'll cut your hand off!"
Whatever was holding me up let go and I crashed to the ground. Apparently I hadn't been very far up at all; I wondered how ridiculous I must've looked shouting like that. As I rose unsteadily back onto my feet I realized the Na'vi in front of me was standing so close I could see the pores on his skin. I thought for the briefest moment that perhaps I would have been safer dangling. Tsu'tey was not pleased; his battle worn chest was heaving up and down with each deep breath he took.
If I looked up our faces would have touched. I knew what I had to say, but I didn't know where to start. Apologizing and expressing gratitude was some of the things I somehow lacked the power to do. The silence drifted on and the sound of the forest took over, calming the both of us until I could no longer keep my eyes on the ground and his breathing evened.
Finally, Tsu'tey took my hand and began to lead me once again to the hammock I'd just left moments ago. His hand was warm and had a slightly rough texture, not to mention he was just holding on so hard- as if he were afraid I would run away. My hand went cold in his grip. Apprehension slowed my steps. Once again I had the feeling that something was definitely not right. Tsu'tey would never be so kind to me. What treacherous journey have you planned for me, Eywa?
"You are ridiculous," he murmured in a low tone, "I set up some traps for Nantang and instead I get a home tender. It's a horrible trade, if you ask me." He pretended to be angry but I sensed he was just trying to mock me.
"I was hungry," I replied, finding my strength again in the protesting of my stomach, "if you hadn't robbed me while I was sleeping perhaps this wouldn't have happened!"
To my surprise, he chuckled and apologized briefly, "I was wounded last night and took your medicine to tend to myself. Afterwards I ate your fruit because I hadn't had any for so long, and then I took your jewelry because… I felt like it. I had to keep you here! In the forestone gets lonely very quickly. I'll settle for any company, even if it happens to be Yishat the home tender."
Now I understood why he was so desperate for real fruit that he had to steal it from me. The fruits in the forest were apparently abundant, but Tsu'tey always picked the absolute worst of the bunch.
"They must be bad fruit," he attempted to explain when he saw my face scrunch up upon tasting the fruit. "I pick the ripest ones!"
I shook my head, examining the roots of the fruit, trying to classify them into some category familiar to me. At this moment this particular fruit in my hands was feeling a lot like Sourapple. Despite its name it is not supposed to be sour at all, which made me nervous as to what I'd just eaten. "Do you even know what this is?"
A very hesitant 'no' followed from his general direction.
I took the skinning knife which Tsu'tey had reluctantly returned to me and split the fruit in two. Indeed, its severed seeds glowed brightly against the dark. "It's a variation of the sourapple, it seems." Just speaking of its name brought me back to some time several moon cycles ago when I'd jokingly plotted Tsu'tey's demise with the sourapple. The fruit was famous for its use in pranks and cleansing medicine as it cleared the bowels quite nicely if ingested in powdered form or in large quantities. Thank goodness I only took one small bite.
He leaned over me to take a look, breath fluttering on my shoulder like the lightest kiss from Eywa's light. He could have just walked over opposite to me, but as it is I had to wonder if he was doing this deliberately.
It was still a shock to recognize that hairstyle that now belonged to A'mari'k with that face so starkly familiar yet now out of place. I did not have any chance to look directly into his face for fear he'd catch me staring, but the temptation was palpable. The fullness of the surprise of seeing him here of all places had finally set in- I could not believe it was actually Tsu'tey who stood over me now. I battled the urge to touch him just to make sure he was really here.
"I see," he shrugged, "then it is a blessing that I did not eat it, no?" He drew back abruptly but even so I was able to sense the makings of a smirk on his face.
Sure that the corners of my lips would reach the floor at any moment, I tossed the fruit away and rounded on him like a beast hunting for prey. I'd had enough of this- all this time wasted and still no answers! This was getting ridiculous. If I could leave him, I would! But he had my things.
At first I planned to start strong and yell my way to victory, but one look at that set jaw told me that approach wouldn't work. I'd need to be cunning. Tsu'tey was shifting his weight on each hip every so often as if anxiously awaiting something. His eyes bore into my soul but my heart no longer raced, my legs no longer shook.
I'd drag the truth out of him if necessary… But first, my things.
"I will find fruit for you if you give me back my things," I stepped closer to him, watching in mild amusement as he took a step back involuntarily. I put a smirk on my face and assumed a confident pose, hoping I might be able to intimate Tsu'tey into respecting me. "It's not kind to hold a girl's jewelry."
Obviously, my tactic did not work. He just laughed and shook his head. Before I could try again, he pushed past me and began to arrange some stones in a circle formation around the charred ground.
Tsu'tey wasn't very surprised when I told him of how I managed to tame my Ikran. In fact he almost ignored me completely, making my mouth sour with indignation.
"Why don't you call for your Ikran, then?"
I didn't know how to, but I wasn't going to let him know that.
"Hm."
We sat side by side on a fallen log. Heat from the fire burning in front of us scorched our faces. At any other time I would have moved away, but tonight the heat felt very kind indeed.
The fire lit up our makeshift camp in the falling light. Eywa could drink up all the light she wished, but this light was ours alone. She couldn't touch Tsu'tey's light.
I finally managed to speak to him properly for the first time today. This entire day he was hardly here at all- hunting, trying to gather… It was all very tiring and I was sure the fact that I was here also had something to do with it. Now Tsu'tey had to work extra hard. However, he still hadn't returned to me anything but my skinning knife, purposely trapping me here. I'd just about had enough.
Tsu'tey's fingers expertly used my hunting knife to shred away pieces of meat from the beast cooking on the fire. "You know nothing about the clan or me in particular. It does not matter that you are an adult. Sure, I must treat you with respect now, but that does not change anything else. You have no skills of observation, but I suppose that is to be expected from a woman, hm?"
I took a deep breath. Strategy, Yishat. Impulsiveness will get you nowhere with this one. Eywa will watch over you; do what must be done but harm none.
"Do you still consider yourself part of the clan?" I hadn't meant for it to come out so coldly but nonetheless Tsu'tey was not fazed.
He shrugged and passed me a strip of meat. "I did what I had to do."
I couldn't stop my mouth. "You mean you were cowardly and couldn't stand Jakesully being Olo'Eyktan?"
He shot a very deep glare at me, eyes narrowed like a sly grin. "I told you once before you knew nothing. Don't make me say it again. I did not leave, I merely distanced myself. Now eat and be quiet!"
His brusque tone reminded me of my father. "Don't speak to me like a child, Tsu'tey. If I do not understand, then explain to me!" I must have looked quite ridiculous, but Tsu'tey did not seem to be minded by my sudden outburst.
"There are many things in this world that you do not understand," he began as a stray nantang strolled lazily towards us and lay down beside the flame. It seemed very young, but since Tsu'tey did not seem panicked, I kept my calm as well. "Sometimes you need something horrible to happen to you just so you can see the world in a different way. You've lived a perfect life so you can't possibly understand."
The nantang heaved itself up into a stretch. Its hamstring muscles quivered and with a sigh it lowered itself down onto the floor. Tsu'tey trailed off and watched its every action carefully. "Even this nantang has experienced loss, so I suppose it is wiser than you, hm?"
Now I could not bring myself to be angry. Tsu'tey's face was lit from the crackling flame and his was not the face of a villain. His was simply the face of a very hurt Na'vi who was trying to hold up a façade of strength. At the same time, my life was definitely not perfect but I understood partly what he meant. My 'curse' that I constant referred to was really not so bad. At least I was alive and had a family. It all could've been a lot worse.
The nantang looked around, stretched and slipped away silently with the smallest limp. I watched it go with a heavy heart. I had no idea what made this nantang so special, but I hated to see it leave.
"Alright then. What does this have to do with why you left?" I was prepared to just agree with whatever he said if it would lead me to the truth. On some sick level I supposed I was more in love with the idea of going back to the clan a hero than trying to help Tsu'tey. I wanted to convince him to return but it was all going very differently than I'd planned.
"It doesn't."
"So you were not hurt by Neytiri's choice to mate with Jakesully?" Again, it had come out colder than I had wanted it to be. It wasn't meant as a personal attack to him but really I couldn't believe he spent all this time talking about loss and hurt when it had no relevance to our conversation whatsoever. Ka'iil often did such a thing when he trailed on about something and then pushed the subject away once he realized he was making a fool of himself.
"Your mouth will get you killed one day." He did not seem to be very offended though. In a way I supposed I wanted to get him riled up. I was so used to seeing the angry Tsu'tey that this new Na'vi sitting so close beside me was just out of place. "I have changed, Tsu'tey. Don't take me for a child any more."
"So you are physically able to mate and bear a child, but are you prepared mentally? There is a big difference. Anyhow, I had no problem with Jakesully becoming Olo'Eyktan. I am not as rebellious as many would think, you know."
I could not express the feeling that had come over me just then. It was a warm sensation yet at the same time I felt as if a million bugs were crawling under my skin. Tsu'tey was really speaking to me like an equal. He wasn't joking to get my hopes up or being sarcastic. He really respected me now. It was what I'd wanted all this time, but perhaps now I'd bit off more than I could chew. I wasn't sure how to react to his last statement, so I just waited patiently for him to continue. Better to keep my mouth shut than embarrass myself again.
"I left for the good of the clan, and I'm only telling you this now because I know you won't betray me."
"And how do you know?"
Tsu'tey put the last piece of meat into his mouth and chewed in a very thoughtful manner, eyeing the fruit I was currently peeling with my skinning knife. "Eywa controls both our lives. Everything we've done so far is for her, because she wills it. There is no escaping her wish. Eywa led you here, did she not?"
Yes. It was true. Eywa controlled my life utterly and completely. He was right. But… "Have you ever wondered what would happen if we… Didn't believe in Eywa?"
He looked at me as if I were insane. "Eywa provides us with all our food. We hear her voice and see her in every living thing- how can you not believe in Eywa?"
He was right. Why had I just said that? I knew better than most that Eywa existed. I'd even seen her with my own eyes! But was she really controlling our lives? Could it be that she was not the creator but a creation? When I nearly drowned in a lake as a child many years ago, I saw the most beautiful flower in my mind's eye just as clearly as I'd just seen "Eywa". Could it be that she was just a figment of my imagination? No Tsahik had ever seen Eywa before, so why should I, a lowly home tender be gifted with her vision? I was once again placing myself on a far higher pedestal than where I was truly at.
"Eywa planned for this, Yishat." He put a hand on my bare shoulder, "she wanted you to come to me. Your stray thoughts are a curse, but sometimes they can be a gift."
"So you really don't care for me? You are kind to me simply because I am part of Eywa's will for you?"
"I suppose you could say that."
After our bellies were full and our bodies thoroughly warmed, he began to speak, and I kept silent. He spoke and spoke and I thought he would never stop. It was almost like I wasn't here. He was sitting so close to me that our sides were almost touching, and the tone of his voice lowered until it seemed almost as though he was praying.
I think at some point I wanted to tell him about Ma'hi, but her situation paled in comparison to the dilemma Tsu'tey was faced with.
I was right all along about A'mari'k. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't find just what it was.
Apparently he was the one leading the protest against Jakesully as Olo'Eyktan. It was not Tsu'tey who hated Jakesully. It was A'mari'k. It was him who acted dumb and ignorant when in fact he was the leader of a complex inner-society. They had almost everyone fooled.
Tsu'tey spoke of Neytiri with affection, "Mind you, I was very upset about it at first… But there was nothing I could do about it. After that, there was nowhere to go but forwards."
I nodded sagely, feeling as if he still needed some support. He was taking all this weight on his own shoulders, just like he always liked to do with everything. "Relationships are passing, material objects are passing, but the soul is eternal."
Even I felt a little surprised at the words that seemed to come so naturally from my mouth. He paused, but did not make any comments. The crackling of the dying fire was our only companion, and from our place on his hammock, we could just see the last whispers of flame burning away.
We stretched his hammock so both of us would fit, although it was a bit tight. The opening in the trees above gave away to a beautiful view of the night sky. It was truly a wonderful sight but tainted by our solemn mood.
"So you knew all along?" I asked, scraping the dirt out from under my fingernails. I tried not to think about returning to the clan and facing A'mari'k. Our relationship would be forever changed. What should I do? What was the right thing to do?
He shook his head, the action causing strands of his hair to brush against my face, so close we were. "No, not until he offered me a position in his little 'team', if you will. He misunderstood my feelings completely… So did everyone else, I presume. I thought it was absolutely ridiculous, and refused to join him. Oh, but he would not let me forget." Chuckling, he pulled a leaf from the tree above and began to chew it absently.
"So you knew since before you left. Then why were you so cruel to me? I must know." I know it was a selfish question, but nonetheless I was utterly confused. This Tsu'tey rewrote everything I thought I knew about him. All my assumptions were possibly wrong, my accusations misplaced.
He flicked the chewed leaf towards me, laughing as I started and tried to bat it away. "Again about you, Yishat? Eywa does not light the world for you. You are not so special. I had my own troubles and things to keep me awake at night. A'mari'k was pestering me about joining his plan. He knew I was weakened by my losses; he was truly merciless. …And very intelligent. I needed to act my role, or else he'd overtake me in my position. Even I was no aware of his plans until it was too late… Once he tried to poison me, did you know? I could no longer stay in that clan."
So he left for the good of the clan. He could no longer guarantee where his alliances lay, so he decided to leave and be done with it. Of course, it wasn't as simple as that. It was Eywa who at first planted this seed of an idea in his mind.
"I can't believe you're telling me all this!" I was nearly giddy, "everyone will be so happy to know! I must tell Olo'Eyktan! He will put a stop to this."
I was so happy I nearly flipped the hammock over. Tsu'tey grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him, effectively silencing me. "Jakesully already knows. What he chooses to do with A'mari'k is his own concern. Tell me now; what did Jakesully say to the clan after I left?"
I swelled with pride, feeling as if I were very important, "He said you left a note… But I know you said something to him. You had conditions, didn't you? What were they?"
His eyes glimmered in the dark with mirth, "And how did you come to know that?"
"I was eavesdropping."
He let out a short laugh. "Stupid girl."
I wanted so badly to blame Eywa at this moment, but my pride would not allow it. "I wanted to know."
"You thought of me often while I was gone?"
What did that mean? I couldn't tell if he was trying to mock me or tempt me. No man had ever spoken to my like this. I liked it. Feeling my face heat up, I blurted, "Don't change the subject!"
My slight stammering gave me away. Tsu'tey grinned haughtily, as if he had just won a war single handedly.
"Ah. Well… I did have conditions. Three, in fact. The first was for Jakesully to watch out for A'mari'k. I told him about what was happening, which made my leaving even more necessary. If I'd stayed, A'mari'k would've had me killed. He is a very skilled warrior, and very intelligent as well. He would've been able to come to his own conclusions. That being said, Jakesully couldn't get rid of him either. The tribe must not know about any of this, and the best way for that is if A'mari'k himself does not know. Although I do suspect he knows why I have left. The second… I asked for him to not tell Neytiri about this. I didn't want Neytiri to be asking Eywa about more things than she was supposed to know… And I wanted to see Jakesully sort this problem out himself."
I nodded, "because Neytiri was becoming Olo'Eyktan in her own right."
"Correct. Thirdly, I asked of him to keep a close eye on you. Never were you supposed to leave the clan for any purpose without being accompanied by someone trustworthy."
"What?" I shot up as if an arrow had just struck me from behind. "Why?"
"But because you are part of Eywa's will for me…" He trailed off smiled, shrugging his shoulders in a comical manner, "maybe I shouldn't tell you this. You'll become too prideful."
"You'll regret it if you don't."
"Yes, I'm sure I will. Why did Eywa lead you here? Did you sneak out on your own, sneaky snake?"
"I... A'mari'k accompanied me to tame my Ikran…"
Now he sat up as well. Suddenly everything stopped moving. "Why didn't you go with Jakesully?"
I didn't want to… I didn't trust him… I wanted to get to know A'mari'k… I wanted to see him… I wanted to see Tsu'tey in A'mari'k's face.
I started to choke with fear. What had I just done? I'd let A'mari'k lead me out here! I now recalled how he did not help me when I called for his aid. He'd meant for me to die? What was he doing in the clan now? So he had lied to me all this time… What was he telling the clan?
There were a million things I could have told Tsu'tey to make myself seem wiser, but instead I simply said, "I couldn't wait. I was impatient."
"Stupid girl… All this time I was trying to avoid you!" He looked as if he was ready to kill something.
"You were trying to hide from Eywa's will?" I was incredulous. All this time Tsu'tey was preaching of Eywa to me when all along I had been part of his destiny? Now he accused me of doing something wrong? It felt a tremendous insult to me, in fact.
"Yes, and I have decided to not tell you the specific reasons. You are here now, so that's that. There's nothing I can do about it now. Why are you here without A'mari'k, then?"
"Eywa came to me in a vision… She told me to stay out here until I end my childhood and open my eyes," I recited like a mantra.
Here I could see his face, even during the night… And it was still as stone. I'd expected some surprise from him, but like A'mari'k, he didn't seem very fazed at all. "You'd already tamed your Ikran when she told you this?"
"Yes… It doesn't make sense."
"Not quite. Tonight I've told you all you should know, so your eyes have been opened. Now we will work to end your childhood so you may return to the clan."
"But…"
"Silly girl, you did not actually believe that just taming an Ikran was enough to make you an adult?" He came closer, much closer before his intent was made startlingly clear to me.
"Wait! You can't do this!"
"Hm?" He sat back on his heels, looking quite amused. The hammock stretched and flexed under our constantly shifting weight.
"…B-by ceremonial means, you're supposed to have given me a gift and a flower! N-not to mention I have to agree to this!" I remembered A'mari'k, coming up to our home with a flower and a bird in his hand. Was that an act as well? Suddenly I had a thought: Why Ma'hi? What was her role in his plan? I was fairly certain she didn't know about A'mari'k, but what did A'mari'k plan for her?
Unfortunately, I had no time to ponder on this as Tsu'tey's breath on my face pulled me back to reality.
He did not even hesitate, "you still have my bow, Yishat. That bow meant much to me. Think of it as a gift. And… Here." He plucked a blossom from one of the trees that held the hammock up and slid it into my hair. "Done."
I was absolutely sure now that he'd planned this all along. Yes, it made sense now. He left his bow not to frame me, but as a reminder of my failure so I would stay within the confines of the clan… He didn't want to mate with me, and that was one of the reasons that spurred him on to leave. However, why was he trying so hard now?
"I have not agreed." How far was the fall from here to the ground if I had to escape? Probably not very far. I felt I had the duty to run, to escape from here. But at the same time, that didn't feel right either.
"You agreed by coming here."
"But we don't have to do this! Why is it necessary? You don't want to do this and neither do I. Let's just forget Eywa for one moment, can we?" I pushed him back away from me but he took my shaking hands in his.
Holding another's hand is not a particularly sexual or romantic gesture in our clan. Generally it was accepted as a form of support, much like a pat on the shoulder for Jakesully's people. "Forget Eywa? But she is watching right now. Look: she moves, feel: she breathes. Will you defy her?"
I took a deep breath, trying to make sense of the situation. Tsu'tey did not really want me, did he? We will regret this later. "But is Eywa the only one out there? And why is she all good? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Have you ever rebelled against Eywa's wishes? Ever?" At this point I was in part just blurting things in hope I could make Tsu'tey think twice about what he was doing.
He tilted his head to the side.
I continued quickly, "and why not? Are you in command of yourself or are we all Eywa's playthings? What good is an existence if one cannot control his own fate?"
"Yishat…"
"Say what you want, but there is a difference between being children and being a game." I narrowed my eyes in concentration, hoping my point was proven. To be honest, I had no idea what I was saying. I just hoped it was convincing enough to make him be quiet. I'd often heard mother speak in such a tone when she was trying to get me to do something.
My hands were still in his, and though I was completely unsure of my own intentions, I knew one thing: Part of me wanted to be mated to him, that was for sure. I could not deny it. It was written in my birth, the role of a home tender was to care for children and serve the warriors. Tsu'tey was hard to resist, with his vigor glowing and health radiating. However, I had the uncanny feeling that Eywa was using us to prove a point, and at the end of this, we would become sacrifices. We would regret this.
I was only doing the right thing.
A chuckle came from his direction, "say what you want, but there is a difference between truth and fantasy." He let go of my hands and lowered himself onto his back. "Fine then, sleep for now and tomorrow return to your clan. Go ahead! Go home and see what happens!"
He turned over and that was that.
...And the insecurity hit me. I'd just potentially made my life far more complicated than it needed to be. Tomorrow I will ask for my things, and it will be awkward. Tsu'tey will not listen to me any more. What will he do? He can't possibly want to stay here for the rest of his life! He must go back to the clan some day. What if he won't leave with me? What of A'mari'k and my ikran? Did I even have one, or had I failed the mission? Only A'mari'k would be able to tell, and he could not be trusted anymore. What will I do then? Could I trust Eywa to guide me? I was constantly questioning her existence, and I didn't know what this meant. I was enveloped by a fear so potent, I thought I would choke to death. Ma'hi was still mated to A'mari'k, and she was mentally unstable. What did A'mari'k tell the clan? I had played right into his plans, so what was he doing now?
There was not even enough room in the hammock for me to curl over and pray.
To be continued!
Here is the long awaited chapter. Sorry for the long wait. I had insecurities about character development that I needed to work out. Yes, I am aware that my characters are far less potent when they are speaking or doing "exciting things". I'm trying to fix this problem, but it's very hard. ):
This chapter was to give a more realistic side to Tsu'tey. In this first few chapters, he was incredibly cruel, and this chapter was to counteract that. Yes, there is still confusion! Confusion is good! Or not. Your choice.
Just a little something about me now,:
Fortunately, the SIMS have lessened their grip on me, but Yoga has invaded my life. It's a welcome invasion. I'm surprised I didn't pick it up earlier. I now practice yoga for around an hour every day. I don't think I've ever been so happy and calm before. Although it's too early to say it is a lifestyle change, I'm working towards it.
As always, constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks so much to those who'd given crits last chapter. :) They really helped!
-Jasmine