Saturday 23 october

I was sitting on the couch waiting for Soda to go get dressed. Darry was working so the two of us were going out to hang out withTwo-Bit and Steve for the day. I missed Two-Bit. I hadn't seen him for about two months. Hell, I even missed Steve!

The two of us had been sitting on the couch for the last hour. I was dressed and ready to leave. Soda wasn't. I was silently begging him to go get dressed so I could weigh myself. I didn't want him to see in case they realized what I was up to and threw out the scales. Go get dressed, go get dressed, I silently repeated in my head. But he didn't move. He was smiling to himself as he watched the morning news on the TV.

"C'mon Soda," I finally cracked, "Go get dressed so we can go out. I'm hanging to see the guys," I told him. He looked at me from the other end of the couch. He made his eyes into little slits, like he was trying to look me up and down without me noticing. But I noticed. He always made that face when he thought something was up. And he had a right to think it in this situation. I just hoped he didn't ask any questions or refuse to leave me alone. Darry was a little like that now. He always made sure I wasn't alone. Last night I had gone to bed straight after my shower and I could hear him and Soda arguing in the lounge room. Soon enough Soda appeared in our room, changing and getting into bed. And this morning I woke up earlier than the others. Not even two minutes after I'd sat down in the kitchen with a glass of water Darry came in. And he hung around with me until he had to leave for work.

"Fine, I'll go get dressed," Soda relaxed his face and got up, headed towards our room. He started to walk but I could hear him running down the hallway and hurrying about our room. He never was very subtle about this sort of stuff. I quickly moved to the bathroom, shutting the door quietly and stepping on the scales as slowly as I could so they didn't make a noise. Even though mom and dad's room is between the bathroom and our room, I was still afraid the sound might travel through the quiet house.

I had closed my eyes as I stepped on and opened them when the numbers had settled. 92. I smiled to myself and slowly stepped off the scale in case the numbers changed or something. I headed back to the lounge room. As soon as I opened the door I saw Soda sitting in the lounge room, pulling on his shoes. He looked up and saw me coming out of the bathroom.

"What were you doing?" he asked, a concerned look upon his face. I shrugged and walked into the lounge room to the front door.

"Nothing, just washing my face," I lied. He looked up at me from tying his shoe lace.

"Since when do you care about washing your face?" he asked, looking back to his shoes. He stood up.

"Since I met someone," I joked. But he didn't get the joke. His face fell serious.

"Who? Who is she?" he yelled, grabbing me by the shoulders and shaking me a little.

"Actually it's a he."

"Who is he?" he yelled, again. I pushed his hands off my shoulders and turned around, walking out onto the porch.

"I was kidding Soda, turn off the TV," I told him and walked down the drive. I waited for him at the bottom and he joined me not two seconds later. I told you they wouldn't leave me by myself.

We met Two-Bit and Steve at Two-Bit's house. The two of them were lounging around on the couch watching TV, as me and Soda had been doing earlier. We were planning on going out somewhere for lunch but it didn't look like we'd be going anywhere very soon.

Soda and I had walked right on into Two-Bit's house, standing in the doorway as Two-Bit stared at us. Stared at me.

"Golly Ponyboy," he whispered to himself, "Take a look at him!" he looked at Steve who was surprised at Two-Bit's reaction to me. Even Steve hadn't reacted like this. Two-Bit stood up and walked over to me as Soda took his old place on the couch. He put his hands on my shoulders, like Soda had done earlier, "As if you wouldn't eat!" he yelled, grinning, "Food is maybe the best thing in the entire world!" He thought for a moment, looking at the ceiling, "Besides beer and-"

"Two-Bit!" Soda yelled, chuckling, "Leave him alone. Now are we going out to eat or not?"

"Well Ponyboy's certainly not," Two-Bit said, taking his hands off my shoulders and hitting my on the back. That hit rattled through me and I knew it would leave a bruise. That hurt me. Not just the hit on the back, the remark Two-Bit made. It hit me like a tonne of bricks. Tears sprung to my eyes, stinging. I looked past Two-Bit at Soda. Stick up for me.

"Two-Bit, shut the hell up and let's go," Soda shot at him. Two-Bit turned around to look at Soda. I saw the look of shock on his face as he turned around. Soda stood up, motioning for Steve to follow. He did, standing up and turning off the TV. I walked outside first, hurrying so I could wipe away the few tears without the others seeing. As I walked down the drive to the street Soda caught up with me.

"Are you okay, Pony?" he asked, putting a hand on my back. I nodded, quickly wiping at the tears. I was okay now.

"Yeah, I'll be fine," I told him. He smiled small at me, not truly believing it.

"Just try to eat a little for lunch," he whispered as the other two joined us in the street.

The four of us walked along the street to a small diner for lunch. We were joking about and racing each other down the street as we went, having fun like we used to. I was really enjoying myself, not even realizing I was smiling ear to ear until my cheeks started to ache. We reached the diner, going on inside and kicking up a fuss as we ran to the last corner booth. Steve and I sat in the corner, Two-Bit next to me and Soda on Steve's other side. We were silent for the first time all day, looking over the menus. But I already knew what I was going to get. Fries and water. Lots of water. I was starving, as usual. I liked the hunger pains though. I'll admit, sometimes they got so bad it felt as if I was going to be sick and I had to eat a piece of fruit. But other than that, I loved them. Right now was one of those loving moments.

"Watcha gonna get Pony?" Soda asked, putting his menu down.

"Fries," I told him, giving him a look that said 'Don't question me'. He smiled, glad that I wasn't even arguing about eating. The waitress came around, taking our orders. Two-Bit had ordered a burger, two fries and a milkshake. And I briefly remembered how I used to be able to eat as much as he did. I didn't want to be able to eat that much. Just the though of it made me disgusted in myself.

We continued, they continued, to talk as we waited for our meals. They eventually arrived and we started to eat, they started to eat. I didn't eat until Soda looked up from his food, giving me a look that I didn't even want to try and argue with. I had two mouthfulls of water for every three fries I ate. I made sure I didn't concentrate on the conversation but instad on every fries I ate. I noticed Steve looking at me every now and again. Was he making sure I ate or did he think it weird that I was eating? Even Two-Bit would stare at me every minute or so. He must've been surprised that I was eating.

I only got through half the fries before I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go to the bathroom. Partly because of all the water I drank, partly because I had to get this food out of me. I excused myself, almost wetting myself because Two-Bit didn't want to get out of my way. He didn't want to stop eating for a second until he was done. I almost had to run to the bathroom. I went into one of the stalls, going to the toilet first and then getting on my knees.

The guys didn't notice anything different. I was sure I stunk of vomit or something. The stall did after I was done and I was afraid one of them would go to the bathroom after me and notice the smell. After putting the pieces together they'd come running out and tell Soda what I had done. Or if Soda was the one to go to the bathroom he'd come running back to our booth and cause a scene as he yelled at me. But neither of these things happened.

It was when the two of us got home that my mood changed. I'd been happy all day. The four of us had gone down the local shopping centre, goofing around and causing trouble where we could. I'd laughed and hadn't even worried about the way I looked. But when we got home I went straight for the bathroom. I had this urge, this killing urge to grab at my arms. To do something to them. I don't know what. But as I leaned against the sink I started to scratch at my left forearm. I was getting frustrated as the feeling wouldn't disappear. Until there was red, blood. I'd scratched so damn hard that tiny little spots of blood had appeared. I felt relief. I sighed.

"Pony?" Soda said from the other side of the door. I gritted my teeth, trying to make the feeling completely disappear before he barged in, "Pony?" he asked again and I heard the door handle turn. I quickly pulled down my sleeve and watched as he opened the door and came in, "What're you doing?" he asked.

"I was going to use the toilet but not if you're going to stand there," I told him. He grinned.

"Sorry it's just Darry told me-" he stopped and realized he had gone too far. Without finishing his sentence he walked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. I followed, forgetting about pretending to use the toilet.

"Darry told you what?" I asked when we both reached the kitchen. He stopped and turned around to face me.

"Nothing."

"Darry told you what?" I asked again, crossing my arms over my chest. He looked everywhere but at me and bit his lip as he tried to think of an excuse.

"Darry told me not to leave you alone," he told me. I knew it. And boy, was I angry. So angry that that feeling was coming back. I returned to the bathroom without saying another word to Soda.