Hey everyone! Sorry I didn't have an author's note in the first chapter, but this is my first FanFic so go easy on me. Speaking of which, seeing as this is my first FanFic, any reviews that I get I will listen to and take into consideration, whether they're good or bad. Just give me some pointers on what to do to improve my writing or just say you loved it or even that you hated it; I don't mind!

Happy reading,

M.B xoxo

She drives a Harley

Tuesday 19th September

6.15am

Up early again! Lalalalala, I am no longer the girlfriend of the Handbag Horse! I am soooooo unbelievably happy! Time to cleanse and tone for you-know-who!

2 minutes later

For the vair dim, you-know-who is, of course, Dave the Laugh. The one that I truly luuurve. Or think I luuurve. Either way, my luuurve is making me happy. Which is the main thing.

30 seconds later

What if I don't luurve Dave? What if my brain is secretly trying to stop me from being sad by telling me that I luurve someone else? I think it is sneaky like that.

1 minute later

But I don't think I would be this happy. Come to think of it, why am I this happy? Just because I luurve another it doesn't mean I shouldn't be sad. Masimo said that I have a big nose. And that he should be with Wet Lindsay.

Why don't I care?

2 minutes later

I think it is because I have realised that Masimo is a twit of the first water. Who wants Miss Octopussy Head. Anyone who wants her is deffo a prat.

10 seconds later

But Robbie went out with her. I don't think that he's a twit. I think he just got trapped in her tentacles.

But he doesn't own a handbag! Hahahahaha.

Jas's wall

I literally skipped up to Jas. She's looking at me like I'm a loon.

I said, ' Bonjour mon pally. J'ai des nouvelles merveilleuses !'

She said, 'Le quel est?'

'Je suis une femme libre.'

'Non!'

'Oui.'

'Why?'

'Last night Masimo asked me to go for a walk with him. He told me to choose between him and Dave. I of course, chose the Hornmeister, because I luuurve him.'

Jas looked at me for a moment then let out a little scream and hugged me.

'Gerroff you lezzie!'

'Oh Gee, I'm so proud of you! You finally realised it. Masimo was fabby and everything but Dave and you are just perfect together.'

Huh?

'Wait, so you knew that I luurved him before I did?'

She looked at me blankly for a second and then said, 'We all did.'

'Who's "we"?'

'Mabs, Rosie, Jools, Ellen, Tom, Dec, Ed and even Sven I think.'

What, WHAT? And they never thought to tell me? That's just marvey.

'Jas, did you think that, you know, maybe it would be helpful to tell me? Seeing as it is ABOUT me and my happiness?'

She said, 'Well, you had to figure it out yourself. You wouldn't have believed us.' She really thinks she is Wise Woman of the Forest. She is right, though. I would have laughed if they had tried to tell me.

I said, 'I am going to tell him about the dumping Masimo fandago after school. Then he will dump Emma and everything will be tickety boo.'

'I am sooo excited, Gee.' Then she did something completely shocking; she started spontaneously doing Viking Disco Inferno.

I didn't even join in. That's how shocking it was.

Lunch

I've told all of the Ace Gang about what happened last night. They're all amazed that Masimo would say something so mean to me, but they're vair, vair excited that I realised my luurve for Dave. I've been given midget gems and cheesy-wotsits.

Mabs said, 'It's about bloody time.'

Jools said, 'Took you long enough,'

Ellen said, 'That's, like, you know, erm, great Gee.'

And Rosie nodded wisely and said, 'Horns must answer the call of The Right Horn.'

I looked at Ro-Ro. 'What did you just say?'

'Are you going deaf matey? That's never good when there's a prospective snoggee on the horizon.'

I said, 'No, did you say "The Right Horn"?'

She said, 'That I did.'

I said, 'What's The Right Horn?'

She said, 'Just a second,' and went through her bag and pulled out her beard. I worry about her sanity.

When her beard was on she said, 'Well, my naive chummly wummly, The Right Horn is the most important Horn. It is more choosing than The Specific Horn and more powerful than The Cosmic Horn. It conquers all others. When you get The Right Horn you know that you have found your lifelong snog partner.'

I was speechless. Since when was The Viking Bride-to-be wise?

I said, 'But how do you know if you have The Right Horn?'

She said, 'Well mademoiselle, you can just tell. You would rather snog them than anyone else, even Orlando Bloom, and to you they are the most gorgey being in the universe.'

'Rosie, that is, without a doubt, the most wunderbar advice you have ever given me. It is quite possibly the best advice ANYONE has ever given me.' I looked at Jas meaningfully when I said that.

She immediately got in her huffmobile. 'Gee, I already told you that –'

'Jas, you should have told me. As my bestie pal I expect you to tell me when I'm in luurve with someone. ME, not your stuffed owls.' Jas just 'hmphed' and fiddled with her fringe.

R.E

Did you know that they sell clothes made of felt? In bright yellow? Neither did I until today. Miss Wilson is talking about this lad called Samson, who was really fit and strong until his snog partner chopped off his hair in his sleep. I put up my hand like the interested student that I am.

'Yes, Georgia?'

I said, 'Well, Miss, I am, frankly, confuzzled. What is the moral of this story?'

She said, 'Well, it is saying that God works in mysterious ways; ways that most people would not suspect.'

'For instance, by making people strong because of their hair length?'

'Not in most cases Georgia but –'

'So if someone, say... Lindsay, had hair extensions they wouldn't be strong? Because it's not their real hair.'

'No Georgia, that's not what –'

'That explains why she is vair bad at hockey. Thank you Miss Wilson.'

Miss Wilson looked really confused and quickly started reading from another chapter.

Ahh, there are so many comical genius opportunities in R.E.

The Gates

The Ace Gang and me did lippy, mascara and rolling skirts before we let the guys see us. I was going hip swing, hip swing, flicky hair, flicky hair, look down, look up, hip swing. I saw Dave leaning on the gate and lost the pattern in my head.

I tripped over Mabs, knocked over Jas and fell on Ellen. Ellen tried to grab onto something and got hold of Rosie's beard. We all ended up in a pile on the ground.

All the guys just stood there laughing at us. What sort of boyfriends are they? Crap ones, that's what.

After they recovered from the shock of us toppling over they came over and helped up their girlfriends. Dave helped me up by grabbing me around the waist. His hand "accidentally" brushed against my nunga. I jumped up like a loon when he did that.

'That was quick. Is there something in your PANTS?'

I said with dignosity 'No Dave, I just, err, realised that if I didn't get up that I would be five seconds late home.' Wow, that may be the stupidest thing I have ever said.

He just looked at me and said, 'You are a loony, Kittykat,' and put his arm through mine.

4 minutes later

The Ace Gang keeps dropping hints about me dumping Masimo. If their hints get any more obvious they'll just say it.

1 minute later

Dave said, 'Are you and the Flash Italian still GREAT?'

I was just saying, 'Well, actually Dave, I dumped him,' but I only got up to 'Well, actually Dave I –' because Emma suddenly appeared.

She looked at our arms linked for half a second, then quickly grabbed Dave's face (she didn't tear it off; she put her hands on his face) and snogged him. She grabbed him so quickly that his arm got pulled out of mine. I stared at them snogging and just turned around and walked away.

In bed, blubbing for all of England

How could I be so stupid? He's with Emma, and probably luurves her. Judging by the snogging their relationship is vair good.

I've been crying for the past hour.

When I walked away the Ace Gang all ran after me and tried to talk to me.

'Gee, come back!' I think Jas said that. I started running and somehow ran all the way home. As soon as I got in I pelted up to my room and slammed the door.

Why would I think that he would pick me over her? Of course they have a PERFECT relationship, because Emma is just so PERFECT, with her PERFECT personality and PERFECT nose.

The phone has been ringing almost non-stop. Thank god Mutti and Vati aren't home; otherwise they'd be having a nervy b. I don't know who's ringing and I don't care. I'm going to stay in bed for the rest of my life, collecting dust bunnies and knitting out of cobwebs. My mascara has run all down my face, but I don't care. No one wants me. I broke up with a Luuurve God for a Laugh God and got rejected in the bin of life. Now I will be alone forever.

2 minutes later

Did I really think that Dave would pick me over Emma? Big-nosed Georgia over Friendly Emma? No, of course not.

3 minutes later

But Jas said that we are perfect together. I sort of figured that meant that Dave felt the same way about me. Obviously not.

5 minutes later

I really do luurve him. I know I do. He makes me laugh and is gorgey and snogs me. If he didn't like me he wouldn't snog me. Maybe I'm only that, though. Maybe I'm just a quick snog to him. He only snogs me to answer the call of The Horn.

1 minute later

I'm never leaving this room again. No one's allowed in either.

10 minutes later

Someone is knocking at the door. Go away! This is the den of Dust Woman.

5 minutes later

Now someone is tapping at my bedroom door.

I said, 'Go away Mutti or Vati. I don't want to talk to you. Leave me in my bed of pain. Alone.' My voice was muffled because my face was pressed into the pillow.

No one answered, but my door creaked open. I felt a weight on my bed when they sat down. They put their arms around me. I very nearly said, 'This is child abuse.'

The arms felt really nice and whoever it was smelt good. I can't be bothered putting my head up.

20 seconds later

The person whispered in my ear, 'I'm sorry Kittykat.'

I shot up out of bed and fell on the floor. I looked up and Dave was sitting on my bed looking at me. When I saw his face I couldn't help it. I just started blubbing.

Dave sat down on the floor with and hugged me.

I said, 'You...Emma...me...Jas...owls...snog...Horn...dust...Masimo.' Somehow, Dave understood me.

'Sex Kitty, I want you to know that I ended it with Emma. After you ran away I pushed her off me and asked her what she was doing. She had a spaz attack at me and I asked me what I was doing linksied up to you. Emma and I have been having problems for weeks. She only snogged me because you and I were together. I don't like her at all, Kittykat.'

I looked up at Dave. He ended it with Emma? 'Dave, I dumped Masimo yesterday.'

Dave said, 'Yeah, Jas told me after you left.' Ah, of course. Radio Jas can always be counted on to spread news on her airwaves.

Wait - what if she told Dave that I luuurve him?

I said, 'What did she tell you exactly?'

'Just that you dumped Masimo. She didn't go into the details.' Phew, that would have been vair awkward.

I told Dave everything about me breaking up with Masimo, except the whole admitting to luurve thing. I said that if I stayed Masimo's girlfriend then I couldn't be friends with him anymore, and I couldn't do that.

Dave looked really amazed when I said that. He laughed when he found out The Handbag Horse actually does have a handbag, but looked really angry when I told him that he said I had a big nose.

'Kittykat, you are beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, especially someone who is on the turn. That flash prat didn't deserve you.' Then he kissed me really lightly on my forehead. Oh, I luurve him.

1 hour later

Dave and I have been talking for the past hour. He is soo nice to me. How I didn't see that I luurve him before I will never know. He is so sweet and gorgey and I just want to snog the PANTS off him. Oo-er. I've been trying to bring up the whole being in luuurve with him thing, but it is vair hard to slip into casual conversation.

2 minutes later

'Well Sex Kitty, I'm away laughing on a fast camel. It is almost 6.30 and if I don't get home soon the olds will be likely to throw a spaz attack. At their age they might do their hip in.'

I said, 'I thought you liked hip replacements. Didn't you say Her Maj was your girlfriend?'

He said, 'Gee, I have told you before and I will tell you again. Her MOTHER had her hip replaced. And anyway, you sometimes walk like you have a hip replacement.'

'Dave, that is not walking like I have a hip replacement. It is a part of my Sex Kitty charm. It entices the male species.'

'I can tell you, it doesn't Kittykat. I must be off. Pizza, parents and PANTS await my arrival.' He walked over to my window and leapt out of it. I looked down and saw that he had landed in a bush. On Gordy.

There was a lot of hissing and spitting and scratching involved, and that was just from Dave. By the time he stood up his shirt was almost completely torn to pieces.

20 seconds later

Dave is walking down the street doing hip swings! Honestly. I can practically see him counting the moves in his head. When he got to the end of the street he turned around and blew a kiss at me.

He's completely mad.

1 minute later

But in a good way. In an 'I'm Jack the Biscuit' way. If anyone else did half of the stuff that he did they would be locked in a loony bin.

5 minutes later

It's sort of lonely without Dave. I miss him.

Oh great, I sound like a clingy girlfriend. Nothing more attractive than a girl that clings like a...erm...clingy girlfriend.

3 minutes later

I know what to do to stop being all aloney. I'll ring Mrs Vole.

2 minutes later

Ringing Jas.

'Hello?'

'It's me.'

'That's good.'

There was silence.

'Jas, it's Gee.'

'I know.'

'Don't you want to know how I am? You were calling for about an hour.'

'No I wasn't. I've been bird watching with Tom. We actually saw a robin feeding its –'

'Jas, I have no interest in robins. They will all be eaten by Angus soon enough. I want to tell you about Dave popping round this afternoon.'

More silence.

'Are you there, Jas?'

There was this weird noise, like someone was turning pages of a book.

I said, 'Jas are you reading about birds?'

'No. I'm reading about caterpillars.'

Oh lord Sandra in a dress; and I thought she couldn't get any worse. How vair wrong I was.

'Jas, action has to be taken against your obsession with wildlife. It is getting ridiculous. Voles and robins I can accept, but caterpillars are a no go zone. Put the book down slowly.'

'Gee, don't be ridiculous. It's educational. Besides, me and Tom are planning on going on a search for caterpillars. We're going to collect them and make a habitat for them and –'

I hung up.

In my room

I think I need to get new friends. Mine are far, far too weird.

1 minute later

The door just got slammed open downstairs. Swiss Family Mad are home. My door is closed. Maybe they will go and inflict their pain on someone else

1 minute later

Mutti just banged my door open. I hope she has not been drinking again.

I said, 'Mutti, please take your un-sober self somewhere else.'

She said, 'Don't be daft, I haven't been drinking.'

'Then why do you look like a loon?'

'We've just been to your Grandad's. He's cheating on Maisie.'

What, WHAT? Since when is Grandvati a ladies' man?

'With who?'

'A lady named Cecilia. She's at the old folks' home.'

'Does she knit socks that are missing toes too?'

'No. She makes leather clothes and drives a Harley.'

Oh PANTS. My family just accomplished something that most people would think is impossible.

They got madder.

I know this chapter wasn't as funny as the last one, but I just wanted to show how Gee and Dave's relationship is coming along. I'll make everyone a deal. If I get at least one review per chapter I will continue to update. Tell me what you think!