Disclaimer: Nope, don't own HM
So we reach the unlucky chapter lol.
Chapter 13: Dreams In Which I'm Dying
Dad and I sat there, crying. Eventually Dad got up and said that he had to do some things. I just nodded weakly. It was all I could do. Dad got up and closed my bedroom door slowly behind him. I looked around for Lilly. Our eyes meet.
She stood there, not saying a word. I could see the stains where her tears had been, flowing down her face. She shut her eyes and a single tear dropped and disappeared into thin air. I got up but she started to fade and within seconds she was gone. I slumped back into my chair and in my anger I threw my Algebra book across the room.
I soon resolved myself to go and grab it because I still had a few things I had to do. I walked over to it and noticed a page that did not have mathematical equations on it. I took a glance at it.
It was another entry of Lilly's diary. I decided to have a small peek at it. I still wanted to know these things.
June 10th
Today is a Saturday. Another week has past. I'm just sitting in my room writing my diary. Just before I've been bouncing my tennis ball at the ceiling while listening to Mad World by Gary Jules. It outlines my life completely.
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarge your world, mad world
The bit that described me the best is the lines:
'And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had,
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take'
Is it weird that I love it when I dream about me killing myself? Last night I had a dream when I jumped off the cliff. I could actually feel the rush. So that's when I decided to end it. Completely. I do feel like my world is a mad one.
Life would be a whole lot simpler if I wasn't around. The blade is sitting next to me right now. I pick it up and it feels so smooth against my skin. I just want to cut my wrist right now and let the blood flow. But I would be caught because my Mum is downstairs. Why bother attempt if I'm just going to get caught?
I feel as though the blade speaking to me, crying out. Saying "Lilly, do it." I think the blade is trying to help me. But sitting here right now, thinking, makes me realises that I do have friends. But would they miss me? Would they care? What about my family? Would THEY miss me? Do they even love me? Or am I just some dead weight not to be cared for but to be bullied and beaten?
These questions I just don't have an answer for. If you asked me a few years ago, I could have answered them perfectly but now………I'm not so sure anymore. People look right through me.
So yes, I'm been dreams in which I'm dying. I think it is time to end it. I don't have family or friends so yes, I have decided to escape.
Lilly
I felt another tear come to my eyes. I remember a quote from Atticus in the book To Kill A Mockingbird, 'You cannot truly understand a person until you walk around in their skin.' So that is what I'm going to do. I decided to go and walk around in Lilly's skin. I decided to start listening to the song.
I saw that I had Lilly's iPod. She wanted me to have it. I had a scroll through her songs. I noticed she had other depressing songs like My Immortal by Evanescence and Shattered by Trading Yesterday on it.
I clicked on Mad World, put it in my speaker and played it. I laid back on my bed and shut my eyes as I let the music wash over me. I was listening to the words carefully. I noticed that this had indeed mirrored Lilly's life.
And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying, Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take,
These lyrics made me feel depressed myself. Why had Lilly been thinking about death? The answer she was depressed and didn't want to tell us about it hence the line 'I find it hard to tell you.' But why had she felt it necessary not to tell us?
She had decided to take the coward's way out. There is a part of me telling me that tells me that we could have fixed it but I know deep down that I couldn't.
A/N: This is just a quick update so that's why it's sort. I actually do like the song Mad World. Listen to it to get the full effect. Please Review =)