I do not own Zelda nor ATHF.
Link was playing with a yellow banana-shaped dog. "Go get the ball, boy!" He shouted. "LIIIIIIIIIINKKKKYY!" Ilia walked in and saw the dog. "OOH! What a cute little doggie!" She looked at it lovingly. "Yeah, he is." Link said in an annoyed tone.
"What's his name?" Ilia asked. "Handbanana." Link frowned. "Ilia, don't you have something to do?" Ilia's eyes widened. "You're right! I'll talk to you later!" Ilia turned to leave, only to be stopped by a voice. "Tonight, you." Handbanana pointed at her. Ilia looked at him and gulped.
"Linky, did your dog just talk to me?" She asked. "Of course not! Dogs can't talk!" Link shoved her out the doorway. Later, Ilia was picking flowers in the forest. "I'm sure Linky will love these!" "Hey, bitch." Ilia rose up. "Who said that?!" She turned around and saw Handbanana. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm here to make sure you get my present..." Handbanana smiled evilly. "What kind of present?" Ilia asked. Suddenly, Handbanana leapt upon her and ripped off her pants and began violating her. "NOOOOOOO! STOOOOOP!" Ilia screamed out into the night.
The next morning, Link was watching Tv with Handbanana. "That stupid Klink. When will he ever learn that Col. Hogan is too smart for him?" Suddenly, Ilia burst through the room, crying. "Linky! Oh, Linky!" She sobbed hysterically. "Handbanana... he...and...I...rape!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!" Link shouted. "HANDBANANA RAPED ME!" Ilia wailed. "What?" Link snickered, then burst into full laughter. "IT'S NOT FUNNY! HE RAPED ME AND HE CALLED ME A BITCH!" Ilia screamed.
"You sure are, babe." Handbanana grinned. "DID YOU HEAR THAT?!" Ilia shrieked. Link was too busy laughing his ass off. "Ilia... He's just a dog!" He choked out. "I'm more than a dog; I'm a man." The yellow dog smirked. "HE JUST CALLED HIMSELF A MAN! ARE YOU NOT LISTENING TO HIM?!"
"Ilia, get the hell out of my house." Link giggled. Ilia stormed off in anger. "Stupid Link! Stupid Handbanana!" She kicked a nearby pebble and sat on a rock. "I hate Handbanana!" Ilia stood up and took off her pants and flung them onto a branch. "Maybe swimming will help me forget."
"Good idea... Sex on a beach." Handbanana whispered into her ear. Ilia screamed as Handbanana pinned her on the ground and violently ravaged her body. "NOOOOOO! SOMEONE HELP MEEEE!" "No one's gonna help you now, bitch!" The yellow dog snarled.
Ilia clawed him on the nose. Handbanana rolled off of her and Ilia got up and stumbled around. Handbanana growled and bit her on the ass. "AAAAAAAH!" Ilia screamed in pain as she lost her footing and fell head-first into the lake.
She flailed her limbs for a while before her senses faded away and water set in her lungs, drowning her. "Damn fucking bitch." Handbanana wandered back to Link's house. "Maybe if I hurry, I can still catch Hogan's Heroes."
Tbc.