Disclaimer: Doc Martin is the property of Buffalo Pictures. I own nothing except my imagination.

Chapter 4 - Looney Tunes and Cup Cakes

PC Joseph Penhale couldn't believe his luck. It had all started innocently enough. It was a regular occurrence that he visited the pupils of Portwenn School to give them various talks about Road Safety (dobbing your Dad in if he didn't renew his road tax), Just Say 'No' To Drugs (dobbing your older brother/sister in if they smoked a joint) Neighbourhood Watch (dobbing your neighbours in about anything at all) – all kinds of fun topics. The truth of the matter was that the crime rate was so low in Portwenn that he had to find things to do, so that he could justify his position. At the request of the School Governors, he had also willingly taken on an active role in helping with the football club at the school, now that Neil Godwin had left. As the majority of the teaching staff were female at the moment, it was felt that a positive male role model was a good idea, especially for the single parent families in the village. Joe Penhale was the best, well the only person that they could come up with.

A new teacher had started at the school at the beginning of the January term. Emma Greenway was an enthusiastic, highly qualified teacher who had jumped at the chance of a position at Portwenn School – it was the place to be at the moment, it would look fantastic on her CV and anyway she was a Cornish girl and it would be great to come back to Cornwall and be near her family again. Louisa was very impressed with her, she was extremely well organised, the children loved her, and she kept her class in line with effortless discipline.

When Joseph Penhale came into Emma's class to give his talk about Road Safety to her pupils, Emma was rather taken with him. There are some women who fantasise about Fire Fighters, and there are some women who fantasise about Policemen, and Emma was one of the latter.

"Mmm, police uniform, my favourite," she thought to herself. She ignored the fact that the pupils were not at all impressed by his talk, mainly because he was really talking utter rubbish.

His fate was sealed when Emma happened to see him taking his top off when he was getting changed later on, after he'd helped coach the school football club.

"My word, that's a very nice body indeed that he's hiding under that uniform," she commented to Louisa, who happened to be there to. "Is he married or anything?" she casually asked. He looked to be a few years older than her, which was how she liked it – no toy boy rubbish for her.

"What Joe? no, he's divorced, and no girlfriend as far as I'm aware," Louisa told Emma. She didn't say that his reputation in the village as being 'a bit of a fruitcake' put most girls off.

Emma was used to getting exactly what she wanted – she was a very determined and focused character. She'd worked very hard to get her excellent qualifications and loved her teaching job. However, she'd just had her 30th birthday, and this was an important milestone to her because she'd always planned to settle down when she reached 30. That had been her one reservation about taking the job at Portwenn School, she thought that she was unlikely to find many eligible men in such a small village. She'd been about to join an internet dating service, but maybe now she wouldn't need to…..

Emma waited until she saw that Joe was just leaving the school, to walk out along side him.

"Thanks very much for helping out with the football club. It's so important for the kids, especially the boys, to have a positive role model to look up to, especially if they come from a single parent family as some of our kids do," Emma told him as they walked along together.

"I'm glad you see it like that. It's a duty I take very seriously. As a policeman you're on duty 24/7, always on the job," Joe told Emma.

He looked at her appreciatively. He couldn't help noticing earlier on that she was just the type of woman he liked – curvy, with big breasts – a proper woman in his book. He was definitely a breast man, and now he just couldn't help looking at them when he was talking to her – her top was quite clingy, and although not low cut – it wouldn't be appropriate for a teacher – there was just enough of a hint of her cleavage to set his pulses racing. Emma saw him looking – she was very used to men looking at her chest rather than her face – but she wasn't offended, on the contrary, she was rather pleased that he was showing some interest.

By now they had reached Emma's house – the one that she was renting for now.

"I don't suppose you've got time for a coffee? I wondered if maybe you could fill me in about the other talks that you give to the children. But of course, if you're too busy, being such an important figure in the village…" Emma suggested innocently.

"No, no that would be good, err…. all in the line of duty of course," Joe said, trying not to sound too keen but failing miserably, as he followed her into her house.

"I'll just go get changed out of these work clothes, won't be a moment," Emma said. "Make yourself at home."

When she returned, she was wearing very tight jeans that showed off her ample curvy derriere, and a low cut top which showed off a bit more of her cleavage – but not too low so as to make her look cheap. They talked for a while – Emma soon worked out that Joe was really pretty simple, not the sharpest pencil in the box, but that was OK with her. She liked being in control and he would be putty in her hands, of that she was certain, especially by the way he couldn't take his eyes off her chest.

Finally, when he said that he really ought to be going, she saw him to the door and said,

"It's been a real pleasure talking to you Joe, it's a pity that there aren't more men about like you, who are such active, responsible members of the community."

She leant over to give him a peck on the cheek, making sure that her breasts brushed against him. She heard him gulp, and knew then that he was hooked.

"I err... I wonder if you'd like to err… maybe like to discuss crime prevention over dinner ... after all, a girl on her own like you needs to be aware of how to protect herself," Joe suggested quickly, before his nerve left him.

"I'd love to – is tomorrow night any good – or is that too soon? It's just that if it's urgent that I learn to protect myself, and I must admit that I do sometimes feel a bit… vulnerable…." Emma said.

"No, no, tomorrow is fine, of course your safety is top priority…so, I'll pick you up at about 7 then?"

"Lovely. Look forward to it," said Emma, leaning over to give him a final glimpse of her ample cleavage, and noting with satisfaction that he had to tear himself away.

xXx

A few weeks later, Joe Penhale came to see Martin in his surgery.

"I need your help Doc, It's really important…. and as you're my best friend….." Joe hesitated.

"As you are in my surgery I take it that you have come to consult me on a medical matter? Is it your narcolepsy or your agrophobia?" Martin quizzed him, hoping that another phobia hadn't presented itself – he was meant to be the enforcer of law and order in the village after all. Thank God the crime rate was virtually negligible, otherwise he would have had to report the man to the authorities long ago.

"No, no I don't have those problems any more, since having that cognitive behaviour thingy you sent me for, I'm cured. Good doctoring that was."

"So what is the medical matter you wish to discuss?" Martin was trying to make it clear that this was not the place for personal chit chat.

"Well, I've been seeing someone, a woman I mean, maybe Louisa told you, it's Emma Greenway, one of the teachers at her school," Joe told him.

"And….?" said Martin growing impatient. He vaguely remembered Louisa mentioning something about someone at her school being mad enough to go out with Penhale, but he still failed to see where this was leading.

"Well, we're both pretty keen on each other in you know…an adult way, and well I'm … we're ….very keen to….that is she seems keen to... as well…" Joe tried to explain.

"Are you trying to communicate to me that you both wish to commence sexual relations?" Martin asked.

"YES, that's it! I knew you'd understand. You're such a great friend." Joe exclaimed.

"So what's the problem, you're both over the legal age of consent, you're both more than capable of obtaining a supply of condoms, so why do you need to consult me – although if it were her consulting me I might need to check her brain activity if she considers you a suitable partner," Martin said.

"Ha ha very funny, you're such a joker aren't you, but well yes I'm pretty sure that I…we do want to ...have 'sexual relations' as you put it, quite…very…soon I hope…she's so….and her…they're so… but Doc, well, what if I can't …you know …'rise to the occasion' so to speak."

Finally Joe had said what was really worrying him.

"Do you have any history of erectile dysfunction – I don't seem have any reference to that condition in your notes. Did you experience any sexual problems with your wife when you were married?" Martin asked him.

"No, well, I've been divorced several years now, and we didn't really …you know … for the last year or so of our marriage ….well she was never very keen anyway, always had a headache and then after my accident when I got kicked in the head, I always had a headache, so it's been a while so I'm not sure…. you know…. that I'll be able to…. perform."

"There's no logical reason to assume that you will fail to achieve an erection, so I suggest that you simply relax, stop worrying about it and let things take their natural course," Martin advised him.

"I was hoping that you could give me some of them special pills….you know….Viagra, just in case like… then I'd be sure I could….and wouldn't disappoint…she seems keen on me but if I can't….." Joe saw Viagra as the 'magic pill' answer to all his problems.

"Absolutely not! I do notprescribe Viagra 'just in case' and don't even think about getting it from the internet, you have no idea what you're actually getting from those places," Martin replied, horrified. "As I said, you simply need to relax, stop worrying and see what happens – if you are both as keen as you say, there should be no problems. If this proves not to be the case, come back, I will carry out a full physical examination and we'll take it from there."

"So, tell me Doc, as best mates, you being married and all now, you didn't find, after not …you know….for a long time…that you had any problems…at first…I mean obviously you did manage..…or Louisa wouldn't have got….." Joe asked him.

"We are here to discuss your medical condition" said Martin, horrified. "This consultation is at an end. Please leave. Goodbye"

xXx

Of course, Martin was unable to disclose any of this conversation to Louisa when she was talking to him about what Emma had told her concerning Joe. However, he took a little more interest now, previously he hadn't really listened to what he thought of as just pure gossip.

"Emma seems pretty keen on Joe, we've tried to drop a few hints about his…funny ways, but she says that's part of his charm – no accounting for taste I suppose. Quite sweet really, would be nice to see Joe settled happily in a relationship, I didn't know his wife, but by all accounts she was a bit odd too. Maybe we could invite Joe & Emma round for dinner one evening, help smooth things along for them," Louisa mused.

"Good God, no! Don't be ridiculous, Louisa, I'm not having that cup cake coming to our house for dinner, and anyway it would be unprofessional, he's my patient. And this Emma must be a bit strange to want to be with him, so don't even think about having them round," Martin said vehemently.

"OK, OK I get the message loud and clear. It was just a thought," Louisa said.

xXx

The next afternoon, Martin was slightly taken aback when Emma Greenway had an appointment at his surgery.

"What can I do for you?" he asked her. She looked normal enough to him, so why the hell was she so keen on a relationship with looney Penhale?

"I want to go on the pill," she said straight out, looking him straight in the eye, with no beating around the bush. "I'm in a relationship that I want to progress to a sexual one, so I want to be prepared."

"I see. Well, I will need to complete some health checks first. If they all prove to be satisfactory, then I will discuss your options with you," Martin replied.

'Atleastsheseemstobeabletocommunicateeffectively',he thought to himself.

Having completed all the necessary checks, Martin confirmed that there was no medical reason why he would be unable to prescribe the pill for her.

"Do you know the sexual history of your proposed partner – condoms offer the best protection against sexually transmitted infections. And what about you – have any of your recent sexual partners shown any signs of STI's?" Martin asked.

"Neither of us has been in an active relationship for some time, so it's not an issue," Emma coolly replied.

With no reason not to, Martin gave her a prescription for the pill, shaking his head after she'd left the surgery.

"Seems perfectly sane, and she's sensible enough to get contraception sorted out, but really…..with Penhale?" he thought to himself incredulously.

xXX

Over the next few weeks, Joe Penhale was a regular visitor to Martin's surgery.

"You were right of course, Doc. No need for that Viagra stuff, no need at all, in fact…Emma said….she thought….I was…very...you know…good," Joe reported to Martin proudly. Actually, Emma knew exactly how to get the best from a man, that's what gave her a kick, being in control and enjoying her power.

"Yes, yes, alright, I get the picture," Martin told Joe, desperately trying notto get the picture in his mind. "Is that all you came for – to give me a progress report?"

"Yes…..well no….thing is….how do I…..make sure she really enjoys…things? It's so complicated…you know…for a woman," Joe tried to explain.

Martin sighed resignedly.

"Are you asking me for advice on how to ensure that a woman is adequately sexually stimulated and satisfied?" he asked.

"YES, that's exactly it, I knew you'd understand cos we're always thinking alike, you and me – the dynamic duo, so I thought you could maybe give me some tips, especially now that you're a married man as well as a Doc. You know, what you've found works best for you and…." Joe said.

"I can recommend some informative reading material that I suggest you study thoroughly," Martin interrupted him. "If you ensure that you have a basic understanding of female anatomy, it will enable you to undertake effective foreplay, and the rest will follow naturally."

Martin handed Joe a list of suitable books.

"Thanks Doc, I knew you'd be able to help, you know, cos of our special relationship."

xXx

The next time he paid a visit to Martin's surgery, Joe had a new worry.

"What is it this time Penhale?" Martin asked wearily. He was becoming even more of a pest than usual, but if the man booked a consultation, he had to see him, he supposed. He recalled that Louisa had told him only the other evening that lately Joe always seemed to be finding excuses to call in at the school as well, getting in everyone's way and generally being a nuisance.

"Well, thanks to you, things are going just great, I read those books like you told me to, and well, Emma…..she just….I've never heard noises like she…it was really..." Joe told Martin.

The truth was, Emma had no qualms about telling Joe exactly what she wanted him to do, because she knew what worked for her. Joe was perfect as far as she was concerned, her obedient sex slave with a hot body, none too many brains, complete with genuine police uniform and handcuffs. No pretend kiss-o-gram rubbishy outfit. Fantastic.

"Good, glad that's sorted then."

Martin hoped that he could get him out of the surgery without further questions, but it was not to be.

"It's just that….things are going so well, and with her being a teacher…." Joe started.

"What's that got to do with anything?" Martin asked, puzzled.

"Well she's bound to want kids one day, isn't she? And what if I can't…you know…if my boys ….aren't swimmers?"

"Are you saying that you're worried that you may be infertile?" Martin asked him.

"YES – see it's alright for you, cos you know you're not firing blanks, I mean, you got Louisa knocked up without even trying….." Joe started to explain.

"A healthy lifestyle, which means a nutritious diet, no smoking, no drinking, combined with exercise, will all help to ensure optimum sperm quality and production," Martin told him coldly.

"Can't you arrange a test to check….if my….you know….work?" Joe asked.

"Surely it's very early days in your relationship to be worrying about such matters. Have you actually discussed having children anytime soon with umm….your partner?" Martin couldn't remember Emma's name.

"Well no, not yet, but now that's Emma's moving in with me….you know…. it's more permanent like and so I thought….be prepared, know the worst, wear different underpants to keep things cool…. even if I hate that sort….I read about that…..or do whatever it takes, so you see, if I have a test then at least I'll know," Joe said.

"There is no point in arranging a test unless you are actually trying to conceive a child and failing. There are many factors that may occur between now and then that could affect sperm production and your chances of conceiving a child," Martin told Joe, thinking 'Themainonebeingthatthiswomancomestohersensesanddumpsyou'

xXx

Emma moved in with Joe, into his police house accommodation, and much to everyone's surprise, their relationship worked out very well. Joe did exactly what Emma told him to do in virtually every aspect of his life, but she was a sharp cookie, so she made him believe that he was actually making all the decisions – it really wasn't hard to manipulate such a simpleton.

Joe couldn't believe his luck, because he believed that he had found the woman of his dreams, who liked a man to be in charge, just as he was.

The villagers looked on with much amusement, because this was just the kind of free entertainment that they loved.