Disclaimer: Doc Martin is the property of Buffalo Pictures. I own nothing except my imagination
Unfinished Business - Chapter 5
There was one thing that all the recent contact with Penhale had brought to the forefront of Martin's mind. By some miracle, Penhale did seem to have conquered his phobias, the Cognitive Behaviour Therapy seemed to have worked for him. Which only served to remind Martin, painfully, about his own blood phobia.
He could now cope with blood pretty well on an average day to day basis. But he knew, by the reaction he had had when Luke was born, that it still wasn't fully under control. And it niggled him. If an idiot like Penhale could overcome his phobias, surely he ought to be able to do the same. He'd come so close, but clearly when he was very emotionally involved, his control was affected. Maybe if he'd given it more time, maybe had a few more sessions with Doctor Milligan, he would have completely overcome his wretched phobia. But he'd had the deadline of taking the job in London, so he'd had to push things along. And Edith had been on at him all the time.
He hated and loathed the very idea of any further sessions with Doctor Marcel Milligan. Previously, when he'd visited him at his practice in Truro, it had taken all of his willpower to knock on the door and go in rather than turn and walk away. Every fibre of his being had rebelled as he'd sat there, and he'd found the whole process pretty intolerable. However, even Martin had to admit that the therapy exercises on the CD that Doctor Milligan had sent him had proved to be very effective. Maybe, just maybe, if he wanted to finally cure his phobia once and for all, he would have to bite the bullet and make an appointment to see Doctor Milligan again.
xXx
Louisa noticed that Martin had been very quiet for a few days now – well he was never exactly what you would call chatty, but over the last few months, as they sat together having their evening meal, he did usually make some contribution to the conversation. Or sometimes in bed – he only slept in 'his' bedroom now on the nights when he was on call – they would talk together about various things that had happened in the day, or something that Luke had done – virtually as any other couple would. But now he seemed preoccupied, and she began to wonder if he would ever confide in her.
xXx
They were in bed together, having just made love. Things had been quite difficult over the past few weeks for Louisa, coping with the demands of returning to work and then with Luke being so unsettled in nursery and unwell with his teething and his cold, and then her cold. This meant that they hadn't made love for a while. Martin had thought wistfully about the weeks leading up to their Wedding and then Christmas … it had been a very special time for them both, and he began to wonder if it would ever be quite like that again. So this had been a particularly special love making for them, and now they were relaxing together in the afterglow, which is a time when a couple feel about as close as it's possible to be.
"My ... blood thing, does it bother you?" Martin blurted out, having had it on his mind for a while now.
"Bother me … no, of course not, it's just part of who you are, and I truly admire the way that you always treat any patient in need, despite your…blood thing. I think it's really brave, makes you a very special person. And anyway, you don't seem to have a problem most of the time now from what I've seen," Louisa told him truthfully.
"Most of the time no, but it's still there, lurking in the background. Just look at how I reacted when Luke was born, my own son, but I still had to leave you both to go and vomit, just because he was covered in a bit of blood. So, if I could just knuckle down, make the effort and finally completely overcome it, don't you think that I should? Don't I owe it to my patients to be the best doctor that I possibly can? And how can I tell Luke to do something that he doesn't want to face up to when he's older if I won't do this?" Martin was talking to himself as much as Louisa.
'Sothat'swhat'sbeenbotheringhim,' Louisa thought.
"What would you have to do, to try to finally completely cure it?" Louisa asked him.
"Go back to that bloody Doctor Marcel Milligan and put myself through his psychoanalytical claptrap again I guess. Although I suppose now that I do have to admit his therapy techniques did help me before, much to my surprise. Only went to him in the first place because Edith recommended him very highly, told me he was brilliant. She was right, as usual," Martin said.
"Oh. I see," said Louisa. Any mention of Edith made her feel distinctly uneasy. The thought of her bossing Martin around, and influencing him, made her feel sick. Still, she had to put those thoughts aside, because she knew how important this issue was to Martin. He was actually opening up to her about it for the first time since he had initially told her about his phobia all that time ago, in the ambulance with Peter Cronk.
"Well would it be that bad, this time round, now that you know that his therapies do actually work? You don't have to look on it as a sign of weakness to consult him, look on it in the same way as if you were consulting…. oh, I don't know, someone about a painful knee, or something. He's a doctor, he can treat you, if that's what you decide you want to do. But the choice is yours Martin. Luke and I love you just the way you are, and you've never ever let any patient down because of your 'problem', " Louisa told him as she gently kissed his cheek and squeezed his hand.
"Mmm. I could think about it I suppose," said Martin, finding out that the old adage 'aproblemsharedisaproblemhalved' was true. Suddenly it didn't seem such a big issue, so insurmountable, and as for going back to Milligan, well, he was only another type of Doctor after all, as Louisa said.
He squeezed Louisa's hand back, as they both finally went off to sleep.
xXx
Louisa was happy that Martin had opened up a bit to her about what was on his mind, but in truth, it had planted a little seed of doubt in her mind. Did Martin still really want to be a surgeon? Was he feeling bored and trapped being a GP in Portwenn? Had she been too busy with Luke and her own job to notice? Is that why he felt he still needed to conquer his blood phobia? It really wasn't an issue with the villagers any more, they knew now that he was a really excellent doctor who knew his stuff, even if his bedside manner was appalling, and his blood thing – well it just made him seem a bit more human like. She remembered guiltily how she had googled both Martin and Edith on the internet out of curiosity after she had seen them together, supposedly working on Edith's study. What she'd read about both of them was extremely impressive, they both had excellent reputations in their fields, although of course Martin's information was now out of date.
The more she thought about it, the more worried she felt. She was still in awe of Martin's incredible abilities, she still sometimes wondered how on earth she had come to marry such a brilliantly clever man – little Louisa Glasson, the country village school teacher. Edith was so much more of an equal to him in so many ways. She could still remember watching them together and how it had felt life a knife turning in her heart. She could also still remember when he came to visit her for the last time at her school before he was leaving. She'd just about managed to stop herself from crying in front of him, but he'd seemed so detached from her, just wanting to hand over the paperwork he'd prepared, not really upset about leaving at all, because he was looking forward to his exciting new job, it had seemed to her. What if….what if he now realised that he was bored out of his mind? She did believe that he loved her in his own way, and that he loved Luke in his own way, but if he felt trapped in a job that bored him to tears he couldn't really be happy, could he? But she had no idea what to do about it.
xXx
Doctor Marcel Milligan was surprised when Martin Ellingham made an appointment to see him again.
'Fascinatingcase,'herecalled.'IfEdithMontgomeryhadn'tfilledmeinbeforeMartinhadcomeforhisfirstappointment,I'dhavegotpreciselynowherewithhim.Couldseehewantedtowalkstraightbackout,he'dreallyratherhavestuckburningneedlesinhiseyesthanbesittinginmyconsultingroom.Classiccaseofaphobiabeingbroughtonbystress,clearlythemanwasabrilliantsurgeon,aperfectionist.Wonderifhe'sheretoseemeaboutthatothermatter –thenewphobia – thatEdithcalledmebackaboutafewmonthsago?'
"So, Martin, please take a seat. Tell me how things have been for you since I last saw you?" Doctor Milligan asked in a very relaxed and friendly manner.
"Fine. That is...better...but…" Martin struggled to explain. He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and finally managed to come out with it.
"Since using the therapy techniques from the CD that you sent to me, there has been a marked improvement in my ability to deal with blood, but I still find that in situations where I am emotionally involved in a personal way, I still experience panic attack symptoms, vomiting, palpitations and so on. That's what happened when I was present at the birth of my son. Naturally there was blood, and I had to leave the room because I had to vomit. I want it to finally stop for good, I want to be fully in control at all times. That's why I have come back to see you." Martin now looked Doctor Milligan straight in the eye.
"I see." Nomentionofanewphobiathen,justafinalpushontheoldone,Doctor Milligan thought to himself.
"I think that with a series of intensive one to one sessions, there is a realistic chance that we would be able to achieve your goal. Working on your own from a CD is always a longer route, with a much higher chance of a relapse, but as you found it so difficult to engage with me during our last session, it was really the only option to take forward at that time. Martin, there are two steps to solving a problem. Believing that you can solve the problem, and solving the problem. Once you have established belief you are more than halfway there."
"Mmm. Well I have a very busy practice to run, so what is the minimum number of sessions required to complete this...therapy?" Martin asked reluctantly.
"Impossible to say until we start I'm afraid. And err... what about your difficulties in the other area that Edith told me about – is that still causing you problems?" Doctor Milligan asked.
"What other area – what's Edith told you?" Martin asked indignantly.
"A fear of intimacy, of sexual contact, possibly brought on by an unplanned pregnancy situation," Doctor Milligan told Martin, appearing to be very relaxed and laid back, but actually studying Martin's reaction very intently.
"She had no right...there is no 'intimacy' problem whatsoever. Edith just couldn't accept my rejection of her, so she's come up with some stupid, pathetic, outrageous claptrap about me having a new phobia to soothe her wounded ego," Martin replied heatedly, absolutely outraged. "The only problem with intimacy was with her, there are no problems whatsoever with the rightperson." As he said this, a picture of Louisa in bed the other night popped into Martin's head, causing just the tiniest smile to hover around his mouth, and his eyes to soften just a fraction
"You're married now then?" Doctor Milligan stated, pointing to Martin's wedding ring.
"Yes," Martin replied.
"Happily? I only ask because it will have a bearing on your therapy," Doctor Milligan pressed Martin. 'It'slikegettingbloodoutofastone,'he thought.
"Yes," Martin replied again, twisting the ring on his wedding finger, with the little smile playing around his mouth again.
Doctor Milligan noticed all this, and being highly skilled at reading body language and facial expressions, he judged that Martin was telling him the truth, so he relaxed a little and thought to himself 'Iwasrightthen.Edithdoessufferfromegomania.Hellhathnofurylikeawomanscornedafterall – spreadingrumoursthathewasriddledwithphobias – heclearlyisn't.' Out loud he said to Martin,
"Right, well, now that you have clarified the situation, we can concentrate on the blood phobia. We can have a short session today, maybe starting with you explaining to me all the feelings that you experienced when your son was born. Then we can book you a session to continue next week, then take it from there, and see how it goes, Martin"
xXx
Louisa was sitting in Joan's kitchen. Joan had Luke on her lap, happily letting him play with her necklace, grab her hair, or pull her nose. She didn't mind what he did, she just loved having him with her. Louisa sometimes felt guilty that she asked Joan to help out with Luke so much, but Joan happily had him at anytime – he came before anything else as far as she was concerned. Martin and Louisa had provided Joan with a high chair, a cot and duplicates of all the required baby equipment to make life easier when Luke was at her house. However, it was only a matter of time before he started crawling now, so she knew that it would be harder at her house then.
Louisa was turning a tea spoon over and over on the table, staring at it, and biting her bottom lip.
"Something on your mind Louisa?" Joan asked her.
"Do you think Martin is happy – in his job I mean, do you think maybe he's bored dealing with just coughs and colds and things, I mean he's so clever, so qualified, wouldn't he be happier being a surgeon again, now that he's finally conquering his blood thing, don't you think he must be missing the challenge of all that difficult stuff, won't it make him resentful being stuck here, maybe I'm holding him back, I want him to be happy, I've been so busy sorting my job I haven't thought about him and his job, I don't know what I should do..." Louisa blurted this out in a rush, all these thoughts having been going round and round in her head for days now.
"Oh. Right. I see," said Joan. "Well, have you asked Martin what he feels about his job? Wouldn't that be a good starting point?"
"You know what he's like Joan, I tried, but he just said 'it'sfine'. I think he's saying what he thinks I want to hear. I can't bear to think of him being bored out of his brain, being unhappy at work but not wanting to tell me because it would upset me."
"You don't know that's the case. Don't jump to conclusions. Complaining about his job and his patients is second nature to him, it doesn't mean that he's unhappy. Being a surgeon can be boring at times I'm sure, stuck in the operating theatre, doing the routine cases as well as the more unusual cases. Just like being a GP, some cases are boring, some are more challenging for him. He never knows what type of case is going to walk through the door next. You're making too much of this Louisa, don't get yourself upset for no good reason. You have to talk to him again, sort this out, if he'll talk to anyone, it'll be you, after all," Joan told Louisa firmly.
"Hmm, I suppose you're right," Louisa replied, but not really sounding convinced.
xXx
Martin and Louisa were at Chris and Jenny's house for dinner one evening, having left Luke with Joan for the night. This was one of the few social gatherings that Martin felt comfortable with, so now the two couples met up about once a month, taking it in turns at each other's houses. Having finished what had been a very nice meal, Jenny took Louisa upstairs to show her their newly decorated bedroom, leaving the two men together downstairs in the kitchen.
"So, blood phobia seems finally cured this time eh Mart?" Chris quizzed Martin.
"Well, seems that way," Martin replied gruffly. He had had some sessions with Doctor Milligan, spending quite a long time going over the circumstances of Luke's unplanned emergency birth in the pub. On analysing it, they had worked out that his reaction was all tied up with his fear of not being in control. When it was broken down like that, Martin could accept the logic behind his reaction, and understand how to control those feelings in the future. It was a major step forward, enabling a rapid progression in the completion of his therapy.
"In that case you might be interested in a new initiative that we're planning to pilot. We want suitably qualified GP's to set up surgery clinics in their practices, dealing with quite a variety of cases that don't actually need hospital resources, just a skilled practitioner such as yourself. Would save patients having to trek to hospital, cost effective too as it would be saving on hospital resources. You'd be perfect, if you're interested?" Chris told him.
Louisa came back downstairs at this point, Jenny having gone to settle one of her boys who had woken up. She caught the tail end of the conversation, and couldn't help but stand back to listen.
"Yes, I'd be very interested in that kind of surgical initiative, and I'd be very happy for you to put my name forward," she heard Martin say.
' What!whatkindof'surgicalinitiative' – washegoingtochangehisjob – whatwasthisallabout?'
Her heart raced as she listened on.
"Right, will do. Thought it'd be right up your street. So how's everything else, how's married life suiting you?" Chris asked. Chris was one of the very few people who could ask Martin a personal question and actually be likely to get an answer.
"Suiting me very well, since you ask. Few ups and downs but...it's pretty damn good actually," Martin replied, and Louisa heard a softer tone in his voice as he spoke.
"Very glad to hear it. And fatherhood – coping with the challenge are you?" Chris asked again.
"Well, don't think I'm exactly a natural at it, but I'm getting there, I hope so anyway," Martin replied.
"Yes, but are you enjoying the little fellow – he is a lovely little chap isn't he? You're very lucky you know," Chris told Martin.
"Yes I know I am. Didn't know ...well, how strong... I suppose it's only natural to feel so..." Martin struggled to put his feelings into words, as usual.
"Yes, it gets us all like that, Martin," said Chris. "Can't imagine life without them, once they're here. So no regrets about not taking the London job then?"
"God no! That would have been a terrible mistake I realise now. I'd conveniently forgotten the long hours stuck in the cramped operating theatre, and then all the hassle of running a team, the stress of London life, all the traffic, all the crowds of people...no, I had a lucky escape, all things considered, very lucky...and with Louisa...giving me a chance...with Luke too..." Martin replied.
"Well mate, I'm really glad to hear that everything's working out so well for you both, you deserve it. And I'll let you know about the other matter as soon as I hear anything."
On hearing Martin open up to Chris about how happy he was, Louisa felt as if her heart would burst with happiness, it was as if all her recent worries had put a cold block on her heart, and now that had been melted away. She stood there with a big smile on her face, taking it in.
Then Louisa heard Jenny coming down the stairs too, so she casually walked back into the kitchen, not letting on that she had heard anything, but burning with curiosity to know what this 'surgical initiative' was. But she would have to wait for Martin to tell her, unless she was prepared to admit that she had been eavesdropping on their conversation.
Martin drove home - he always drove when they went out together. He didn't drink, whereas Louisa quite liked to have an occasional glass of wine, but he preferred to drive anyway. Louisa waited to see if Martin was going to say anything about this new job.
He didn't. So finally Louisa had to ask,
"So, what were you and Chris chatting about in the kitchen – you seemed pretty engrossed when I came in," she tried to seem casually disinterested.
"Oh, just this and that. You know, work things," Martin replied distractedly. He was actually thinking through how he could organise a surgery unit at his practice.
'Ishebeingevasiveorjusthisnormalnoncommunicativeself?'Louisa wondered.
"What work things?" Louisa tried again.
"Oh just that Chris suggested I might like to pilot a new initiative for GP's to undertake some of the suitable surgery procedures at the practice, instead of patients having to go to hospital. Makes sense really. Not sure how it would be best organised, might mean changing things round at my surgery, altering what times patients can have a normal appointment, that sort of thing." Martin replied, still not really giving her his full attention.
"Oh I see. That sounds like a very good idea actually. And it would mean a bit more variety for you too," Louisa was so relieved to finally find out what was going on. She realised that it had really piqued Martin's interest and that was what he was thinking about at the moment, so she was now content to sit in silence as they drove back.
When they got home and walked into the hall, Louisa stood on the second stair to make her the same height as Martin, and pulled him to her for a kiss.
"What's this for?" Martin asked, but not objecting.
"I just wanted to tell you that you make me very, very happy," Louisa said as she wrapped her arms around him and planted a kiss on his lips. "In fact if you come upstairs with me right now, I'll show you just how happy you make me, Doctor Ellingham," she whispered, as she undid his jacket, ran her hands up his chest to his neck and pulled his head down for another, longer kiss.
"Right...well... anything you say, Mrs Ellingham," Martin replied, not quite sure what he had done to deserve this, but more than prepared to go along with her suggestion.' Mustbeherhormonesmakingherveryemotional', he decided, as he followed her up to their bedroom, with a smile on his face.