Disclaimer: Doc Martin is the property of Buffalo Pictures. I own nothing except my imagination.

Count Your Blessings - Chapter 8

When Luke first came home from hospital, Louisa couldn't bear to be parted from him, and didn't want to let him out of her sight. She kept asking Martin if he was sure that Luke was alright. The first night she woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare where she was reliving again and again everything that had happened. She jumped up and rushed into Luke's room to check that he was alright – she'd really wanted to put his cot in their room, but accepted that it was sensible to get him back into his normal routine as much as possible. Martin, woken up by Louisa's sudden actions, followed her into Luke's room, and saw her leaning over him, feeling his forehead and trying to see if he was breathing normally.

"Does he seem alright to you Martin?" she asked anxiously.

Martin quickly checked him as he lay fast asleep.

"He's fine, Louisa, just fine. Come on now, you'll end up waking him for no good reason, come back to bed," Martin tried to reassure her. He could see that she was shaking and tearful.

"Oh Martin it was so awful, I was dreaming that I was at the hospital again, dozing on Luke's bed, and I could hear him crying, but when I opened my eyes he wasn't there, just an empty bed, so I tried to find him but I couldn't, but I could still hear him, and I searched everywhere for him...then I woke up in our bed at home, but I wasn't sure which was the reality and which was the dream, so I had to come and look at him and touch him..."

At this point she burst into tears as Martin took her in his arms and held her tightly, cradling her head against his chest with his hand.

"It's alright, everything's alright, it was just a dream, Luke's fine. Come on, come back to bed now," Martin tried to comfort her as he led her back to their room. In bed, Louisa stayed in his arms, gradually calming down and going back to sleep fitfully – she was exhausted and really needed to sleep properly.

She woke up with a start early the next morning, to find that Martin wasn't in their bed, so she jumped up, rushed into Luke's room, and saw Martin holding him very closely, looking out of the window with him, Luke nestled against his Daddy's chest while holding his favourite soft little teddy bear under his arm, and with Martin kissing the little boy's blonde head.

They both looked up at Louisa as she came in, and she felt her heart warm to see them so close together, looking at her with the same blue eyes.

"You needed to sleep, so I thought I'd get him up," Martin told her, not making any effort to hand Luke over as he normally did. "And before you ask, he's absolutely fine, so go back to bed for a while."

Louisa smiled, went over to kiss them both, then did as she was told and went back to bed for a while, knowing that Luke could not be in any safer hands.

xXx

Coming so very close to losing his boy had made Martin re-assess just what he wanted from his life. He realised just how near he had come, yet again, to immersing himself in his medical career at the expense of everything else. Joan had been right, as usual, when she'd warned him about spreading himself too thinly if he tried to be a GP in Portwenn and a surgeon in Truro, and that it would at the expense of time with his family. It was true, he'd been the happiest that he had ever been in recent months, and now he couldn't believe that it had taken the horrendous shock of seeing Luke so desperately ill, and very nearly losing him, to make him realise that sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone – well luckily in this case he'd been given another chance before it was too late. He'd truly feared that he wouldn't see that gorgeous, cheeky, smiling little face again, so happy to see him as he crawled into the forbidden area of Martin's study – Martin felt incredibly bad because he always acted as if Luke was being a nuisance. He still felt guilty, and probably would until his dying day, wondering if he should have noticed that Luke wasn't well that morning before he'd rushed off, preoccupied as usual with work matters.

Martin was normally first up in the mornings, but pretty much always left Luke's care to Louisa. Martin now decided that he would get Luke up in the mornings if he was at home, making the excuse that he was keeping an eye on him, checking him over, which was true, but also meaning that he would get to spend more time with his son. He'd already spoken to Chris Parsons, and told him that he didn't wish to pursue any of the openings for surgery in Truro, and that he wanted to scale back the proposal for surgery at his practice to enable it to go ahead. Chris completely understood, being a father himself and having seen what Martin and Louisa had been through. After all, part of the reason Chris had taken the more administrative role of Chief Executive of the PCT was that the job fitted around family life more easily.

When Martin returned to work, Pauline noticed a change – to her pay packet. When they'd left in the ambulance with Luke, he'd shouted out over his shoulder to Pauline 'just takecareofthingsfornow' - and she had. Apart from thinking to phone Joan to let her know what had happened, Pauline also stepped up and took over everything at the surgery. She cancelled appointments, advised the 'On Call' team that Martin would not be available until further notice, she liaised with the Wadebridge surgery so that they would take any of Martin's patients who needed to be seen urgently until a locum could be arranged should that prove necessary, and she even persuaded a local minicab company to offer special group rates over to Wadebridge.

When Luke had finally started to recover and was moved out of intensive care, Martin had felt that he could take some time out to call into his practice to see what chaos had ensued. What he found pleasantly surprised him – everything had been taken care of. Of course, all the villagers were fully sympathetic as to why their Doc wasn't around, they were deeply shocked by what had happened, they all thought Luke to be the dearest little boy. So there was no grumbling about having to travel further to see a Doc.

"You've made a mistake with my pay packet," Pauline told Martin. "Must be the shock of everything, affected your brain, you poor thing."

"There's no mistake. It's correct. It was simply time to review your remuneration, that's all," Martin told her as he sorted through some paperwork on his return. "You'll be taking on extra tasks in any case when I start the new minor surgical procedures, so don't come whining to me expecting another rise then."

"Wow. More money – I could buy that top I saw the other day, the one with the sparkly straps…..ooh, or those great shoes I saw with the 4 inch heels…." Pauline dreamily thought of all the exciting 'stuff' she could afford now.

"God forbid you'd ever dream of using the extra money for something vaguely sensible, like saving up for a deposit for a flat, instead of spending it on those fancy dress outfits that you seem to consider suitable work attire," Martin said acidly.

Pauline took no notice, she was already on the computer, trying to decide whether to log on to the Top Shop or ASOS websites to see what cool clothes she could order, ignoring Martin when he shouted out to her,

"And do that in your own time, it's certainly not what I'm paying you for."

xXx

Easter had come and gone while Luke was in hospital, it hadn't really even registered with Martin and Louisa. The end of the school holidays came just as Luke left hospital, but Louisa didn't return to work straight away, she wanted to stay at home with Luke to be certain that he was fully recovered. The Board of Governors were very understanding, telling her to take however much time she needed, her deputy could manage for a while.

She kept asking Martin for reassurance that Luke was alright, couldn't he just check him over again even though she knew that he'd checked him first thing that the morning. Luke had so far shown every sign of being a very bright child, passing all his milestones to date at an early age, and now Louisa fretted that maybe he'd been affected by his illness. Her whole world had fallen apart when she'd thought that she was going to lose Luke. The affect on Louisa was that the nightmares didn't stop. Every night the pattern would repeat itself. She went to bed, calmly trying to collect her thoughts, to be positive, to be happy, to be thankful that Luke was fit and well, fast asleep in the next room in his cot – he had more or less settled back into his usual routine, and seemed to be pretty much back to his normal self. She would go to sleep, but after a couple of hours, she would wake up again in a cold panic, crying. She would then rush into Luke's room to reassure herself that he was there, and that he was fine. Her heart would be pounding and her hands shaking. It would take several minutes for her to calm down enough to be able to return to bed and to collapse there exhausted. Martin was patience itself, but he was very worried about her, and by the end of the first week decided that something more had to be done to try to help her.

"Can't you give her some sleeping pills, just to break the cycle so that the poor girl can get some proper sleep? She looks dreadful Martin, and I hope she's not even thinking about going back to work yet, you'll have to put your foot down if she is," Joan told Martin as they were discussing things when she called in one evening – Louisa was having a nice long relaxing bath to try to help her wind down before bed.

"I'm never keen to start anyone on sleeping pills, they aren't really the solution, and they can cause other problems in the long run in any case," Martin replied.

"Well she can't go on like this, so just what are you going to do?" Joan persisted.

"I've already spoken to Doctor Milligan actually, psychological trauma is much more his field of expertise than mine. He assures me that it's still early days yet, and that it's not unusual for these symptoms to carry on for a month or so. However, he's offered to see her, make a home visit if necessary, but I'm just not sure how I'm going to get Louisa to agree to it. You know how difficult she can be about accepting that she needs help with anything, she always has to be so bloody independent," Martin replied with some frustration.

"Just tell her that she has to Martin. You're the doctor after all," Joan told him firmly.

"Hmmm, yes, I know," replied Martin, thinking that this was easier said than done with Louisa sometimes.

xXx

However, when, despite all her efforts at relaxing before going to bed and being positive about everything failed to prevent the nightmares returning yet again , Martin took matters into his own hands.

"Louisa, I'm going to arrange for you to see Doctor Milligan, to see what he can suggest to help you through this, because you need more help than I can give you," Martin told her . He was also feeling pretty exhausted with every night being disturbed and being at work during the day. He wouldn't agree to go back onto the 'on call' rota until Louisa was better. He found though that he didn't actually mind that she needed his reassurance and support a lot more than before, in fact he found that he rather liked being needed so much. However, he was used to Louisa being a strong, independent and confident woman, so it did worry him to find her so different.

To his surprise, Louisa meekly agreed.

"Whatever you think best Martin. I can't take much more of this, so if you think he can help, I suppose I could see him," she quietly told him.

Martin spoke to Doctor Milligan the following morning.

"Things are no better since we last spoke, my wife is still having flashbacks and nightmares every night. She is also hyper vigilant concerning our son's welfare," Martin told him. He had initially spoken to Doctor Milligan after Louisa's second disturbed night, explaining everything that had happened with Luke to him then.

"I see. And her fears are unfounded, your little boy is well I hope?" Doctor Milligan asked.

"Yes, he's doing really well I'm thankful to say, so she has no actual cause to worry, and she seems to accept that on the surface but..." Martin told him.

"And they're still the same flashbacks, of the events in hospital?" Doctor Milligan asked.

"Yes."

"And tell me, is there anything in her past history that you are aware of, that could have any bearing on her current state of mind? Did she have a normal, stable childhood?" Doctor Milligan asked.

"God no, anything but. Mother walked out on the family when Louisa was about eight, taking the younger brother with her, who subsequently died of a drugs overdose. Her Father was an unreliable gambler who ended up in prison. She's always had to look after herself, she's always been so strong, self reliant and able to cope with whatever life has thrown at her. That's why I'm so worried because frankly this just isn't like her at all."

"I see. And am I correct in assuming that your relationship with Louisa hasn't always run smoothly? I'm only asking because all of these factors will have a bearing on her current frame of mind, Martin," Doctor Milligan explained, sensing that he would be reluctant to discuss his role in all this.

"Well I suppose you could say that. Yes. But things are fine now," was all that Martin said.

"Look, the more that you can tell me, the less I will have to try to glean from your wife Martin. It's all necessary preparation for assessing how best to help her. So, can you expand a little for me?" Doctor Milligan pressed Martin.

"We've known each other for some years now, had several failed attempts at starting a relationship, finally got engaged, set a wedding date, but both called it off at the last minute. Louisa left the village to work in London, returning when she was six months pregnant with our child, adamant that she would manage on her own, because she mistakenly thought that I was in a new relationship. We only got together when Luke was born, lived together for a while and got married just before Christmas." Martin exhaled as he finished speaking. That had better be enough detail, he really wasn't prepared to drag up any more of the past.

'Littlewonderthey'vebothhadproblems,'thought Doctor Milligan to himself.

"Right well, as I explained to you before, I do occasionally make house calls and that may well be the most effective way for me to assess your wife, she will hopefully be more relaxed in the security her own surroundings. As it happens I am over your way for a meeting this evening, so I could call in at around, say, 7.00pm, if that suits at all?"

Doctor Milligan found Martin fascinating, and was very curious to meet his wife and see them both in their home. He did also feel that it really would be better for Louisa to see him sooner than later, and anyway, he could simply put an extra charge on his bill for a home visit.

"Yes that would be fine," Martin replied, pleased to think that maybe something could be set in motion that could help Louisa.

xXx

Martin opened the front door to let Doctor Milligan in that evening as arranged. As he came in, he looked around and saw that the rather lovely house was tastefully furnished but in a quite relaxed way, and he thought that that was probably Louisa's influence on the rather formal Martin that he knew.

Martin showed him into their lounge where Louisa was sitting waiting quietly, cuddling Luke and reading a book to him, which young as he was, he loved. There were lots of photos of Luke around, she always took pictures of him at every stage. Doctor Milligan was struck by how beautiful Louisa was, but when he looked closely at her, it was obvious that she was exhausted. She had dark circles under her eyes, and was very pale. After the initial introductions were done, Martin said,

"I'll take Luke and put him to bed now Louisa," as he took him from her after she'd tenderly kissed and hugged her baby boy. However, Martin couldn't help himself, he listened for a few minutes outside the door, until Luke began to get bored and fidget. So he heard the first part of what Doctor Milligan said.

"Now Louisa, Martin has told me something of the difficulties you are having, and firstly I want to reassure you that it is not at all uncommon after a psychological trauma such as you have experienced with your baby's illness to suffer from flashbacks and nightmares in the first few days and weeks afterwards. These things do usually sort themselves out in time, but hopefully we can speed that healing process up for you. I need you to explain to me exactly what happens in your nightmares, we will then work out some techniques to enable you to actually change the ending of these nightmares, so that they are no longer upsetting..."

xXx

One morning Martin opened his eyes to see Louisa watching him, propped up on her elbow with a gentle smile hovering around her lips.

"What's the matter, are you alright?" he asked her anxiously.

"I'm fine, really good actually Martin," Louisa replied, smiling more widely now.

Louisa had had some sessions with Doctor Milligan, and had finally had some nights of uninterrupted sleep.

"No more nightmares?" he asked.

She shook her head.

"Thank you," she told him as she continued to look at him.

"What for?" Martin asked.

"For being my rock. My solid, dependable, reliable rock. You've never once told me to pull myself together or to just snap out of it, you've just always been there when I need you, even when it's 2am in the morning. And you're helping so much more with Luke too."

She leant over to kiss him tenderly on the cheek.

"Hmm, well that's what you're supposed to do isn't it? You know, being married and all that..." Martin said gruffly.

"I...I've always told myself that I can manage on my own, that I don't really need anyone, but the truth is Martin, I can't manage without out you now, do you know that?" Louisa kissed him tenderly again, this time on the other cheek. "And Luke can't manage without you either, you saved his life after all."

"I was just doing my job," he replied modestly.

Martin felt that up until now, there'd still been a little part of Louisa that shut him out to some extent, probably as a method of self protection. So recently, although he'd been worried about Louisa, he'd been pleased that she felt able to lean on him, and rely on him to help her through her trauma. He'd also found that he really enjoyed taking over some of Luke's care, whereas before he'd left it mostly to Louisa.

"Your Doctor Milligan is pretty good, isn't he?" Louisa said, conveniently forgetting that Edith originally suggested him to Martin.

"I suppose you could say that he's reasonably adequate in his field," Martin replied, also conveniently forgetting the 'Edith' connection.

"Well he did also suggest that it would be a good idea to have something positive to look forward to, and I was wondering...about getting Luke christened ...what do you think Martin?"

"Christened? I don't know really. Wouldn't that mean going back to the church where we..." Martin said hesitantly.

"Where we almost got married, you mean? Look, I know that neither of us is really what you would call religious, but I think that it would be a lovely way for us to celebrate the fact that our Luke has come through safely and to give us some closure on the whole horrible frightening episode. And we can face up to our demons by going back to into that church for a very happy occasion - I think there's a new vicar there anyhow. Everyone in the village has been incredibly supportive to us both recently, even you can't deny that, so wouldn't it be nice if we were to hold a little Christening party to say thank you? A lot of them are still rather miffed that we 'sneaked off' to get married and didn't have any kind of celebration with them."

"I don't know Louisa, maybe it would be a good idea to have Luke christened, but you know I'm not exactly a party person," Martin said reluctantly.

"Maybe you could just think about it, hmmm?" Louisa kissed him again, this time slowly on his lips, lingering enticingly. The effect of this was that Martin reached over and pulled her on top of him, deepening the kiss and running his hands under the camisole top she was wearing, to try to remove it. Thrilled by his response, Louisa started to pull her top off, only for them to be disturbed by the unmistakable sound of their son waking up in his room next door.

They looked at each other and smiled – neither was complaining about being disturbed by Luke – it was music to their ears after the events of recent weeks.

"To be continued at a later date?" Louisa suggested to Martin with a big smile.

"Oh yes, that's a promise for sure," replied Martin, smiling back at her, as he got up to go to Luke.