AN: Ok this chapter was hard! Trust me, you have no idea. And I'm not sure how it turned out but SOMEONE *cough* Clai *cough* was pressuring me, so here it is. Hope you like it.
I wanna dedicate this to Kelly cause she came out last Monday and she deserves it. I'm so proud of you, Kelly! Good job!
Don't forget to review, ya all! Remember: the more reviews I get, the faster I update!
DISCLAIMER: After tonight's episode of PP I want to own Kate Walsh more than ever! But I still don't, and I don't own Grey's Anatomy.
CHAPTER 14 – Note to self: don't die!
Bailey, the Chief and Burke have been working to try to reanimate Meredith for a while now, but there were no changes. Even if no one was saying it, they were starting to lose hope.
Outside the room, Addison was finally calming down. She wasn't crying anymore, she actually thought she had cried all her tears. It was surreal. Meredith couldn't be dying. It simply wasn't an option.
Derek was sitting beside her, holding her and brushing her hair softly. He didn't know what to do. He had never seen Addison like that. He had never seen her crying like that and screaming like that, not even when he kicked her out of the Brownstone, almost a year before. And now she seemed almost lifeless in his arms, like strength had abandoned her. He didn't know what to do or say to make it better for a woman who was still so important to him.
Mark came out of the trauma room where Meredith was and Addison jumped on her feet.
"Tell me!" she said, looking Mark in the eyes.
The plastic surgeon sighed. He didn't know how tell Addison that the chances Meredith would survive were almost zero. "Her temp's still only 86. There's still no heartbeat. We're hoping once she warms up..."
"I wanna go in there!"
"No, Addie..." sighed Mark. He knew Addison wanted to be in that room, but it was better for anybody if she just stayed in the hallway and wait.
"Mark, I wanna go in there, I want to be with her, I need to be with her." protested the redhead.
"Addison, you can't...you're upset, you had a panic attack before and people in there are trying to save Meredith's life and you losing it again won't help them. You'll go inside when she's stable." tried to explain Derek.
"What if I don't get the chance?" asked Addison, tears starting to form again in her eyes. "What if she...I have to be in there, I have to talk to her, I...please, let me go..."
Derek and Mark looked at their friend and their heart broke at the sight. Addison was right, maybe she won't have the chance to go in there and see Meredith once again. But they couldn't let her in, they just couldn't.
"Addie..." sighed once again Mark. "Please, try to understand. There's a reason why we don't allow relatives in the OR or in the trauma rooms, and you know it. You're too attached; you can't go in there, not when they're trying so hard to save her. Do you understand?"
Addison nodded. She knew she wasn't strong enough to go in there, but she couldn't just stay there and wait. She needed to do something. As evoked from her mind, her pager went off. "It's my Jane Doe...she's awake...I..." she stuttered. "I have to go."
"Addie!" Derek stopped her. "Are you sure you're able to work now? I don't think it's a good idea, you're too shaken up..."
"Stop telling me what I can't do!" shouted Addison. "I can't just sit and wait, I can't. I can't go and be with Meredith, I get it. I can't help her in any way. But I can do something for Jane Doe...so let me go. I promise, if she needs surgery I'll postpone it as much as I can cause I understand I'm in no shape to operate right now. But I have to check on her."The two men nodded and let her go. Addison walked through the door where she found the other interns, waiting for news.
"So?" they asked simultaneously.
"It's...it's not good." said Addison, trying to find the strength to be professional and deliver the news to Meredith's friends. But how could she behave like a doctor and tell the interns what she was trying to deny to herself? How could she tell them that there were a few chances that the woman she loved could make it?
"Is she still cyanotic? What was her initial temp? What is taking so long?" Cristina started to ramble, but Addison interrupted her.
"Dr Yang! It's not good. They're...they're doing everything they can in there, but...you should...we should maybe...prepare ourselves..." she felt the tears burning in her eyes the moment she said those words and she knew she couldn't finish the sentence. "I have to go, my Jane Doe's awake."
"I'm coming with you!" said Alex, reaching for Addison and putting a hand on her shoulder, trying to comfort her. "Iz, you'll let us know?"
Izzie nodded, so Alex and Addison walked away to reach Jane Doe's room.
"Are you sure you can handle this?" asked Alex when they were alone. "If you want you can stay there, I can go and update you."
Addison shook her head. "No, I need to do something, I can't stay there anymore knowing that there's nothing I can do. But thanks, Alex. Come on, let's go."
-o-
It wasn't that Meredith was freaking out. She wasn't, really. She was calm. And she wasn't in denial. It was just so surreal. She was there with Dylan, Denny, Liz and Bonnie. And Doc. God, she had missed that dog. It was nice to be able to pet him again. She had always loved that dog.
At first she thought she was seeing them cause her brain was on drugs. She drowned, so maybe they gave her drugs during the recovery process. But everyone kept saying she was dead. What did Dylan say? "You are dead. You're really freaking dead, dirt nap dead, no more you dead."
She really couldn't understand. She thought she was in heaven, but Bonnie said she wasn't. And Dylan said they were there cause she called them, but she really didn't call anybody. And then they wanted her to talk about the water thing and Bonnie started bleeding and Meredith wanted to help her but Denny kept saying she didn't have time to waste. That she was running out of time. But time for what?
And then he asked her about the tub. God, she had almost forgotten about the tub. That morning she was taking a bath and for a moment she left herself slip under the water and she lost track of time. Then Izzie entered the bathroom and pulled her out of the water and she just said that she was relaxing, that she was under the water for just a couple of second but she knew it wasn't like that. In that moment, she was thinking about her mother, how she called her ordinary...and Addison, their fight and their kiss and the way she ran after the kiss and how she had waited all night for Addison to show up at her house, but she never came. But she fought in the bay, she tried hard, she swam, but the water was just too cold. She didn't want to drown but it happened.
But Bonnie was sure she did that on purpose. "I know crappy things have happened to you but how can you be a surgeon and have so little respect for life." she said and then she started bleeding again.
Meredith was really confused. What was all that about? Either she was dead or not. But if she was dead, as Dylan said, what was the point of that discussion? She died, end of the story. But no, they kept asking her what happened in the water.
Now she was in the OR, and Denny appeared and asked her again what happened in the water.
"I swam. I fought." she said once again. God was it so hard to understand?
"No, you didn't!" replied Denny. "And you can't stay here Meredith."
"I don't want to!" shouted the intern, as she kept looking for something to stop Bonnie's bleeding.
"Yeah, you do." said Denny quietly. "But you can't because George's dad died. Because Izzie lost me. And Cristina...when she was nine she was in a car accident with her father and he bled out right in front of her while they waited for an ambulance to arrive. And Alex..."
"Stop" Meredith didn't want to listen anymore.
But Denny kept on talking. "They are barely breathing. This will break them. None of them deserves that. And this...this is the big one. See pay attention!" He sat down and Meredith knew what he was about to say. Because when Denny talked about her friends needing her, he missed someone. He missed the most important one. "Do you know what kind of miracle it is that Addison is who she is? Do you know how rare it is that someone like even exists? She's still an optimist, even if she breaks down, even after everything that happened to her, her divorce, Mark, her parents...she still believes in true love and magic and soul mates. And she loves you, Meredith, trust me, she does. And she's waiting for you and if you don't come back from this, you will change who she is."
"But she...she never came to my place last night." objected Meredith. "I kissed and I waited for her to come to me but she never came. And I thought...I thought she was mad at me, that she didn't want me."
"Meredith." sighed Denny. "She was just thinking. She wanted to come after you but she needed time to realize what she really wants. And she wants you, I can tell."
"Oh god!" cried Meredith. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, she Denny was gone and she was in the OR alone.
-o-
"How is she?" asked Derek when Mark came out again from Meredith's room.
"Still the same." sighed Mark, sitting down next to Derek. The neurosurgeon had promised Addison to stay there and update her from time to time while she was taking care of Jane Doe.
"God, she has to make it!" said Derek. "She cannot die. Addison would be devastated...I've never seen her like this before. She scared me, Mark. She wasn't Addison. I've never seen her like this."
"I did." Derek looked at Mark confused. "Well, not really like that, but pretty much. We were interns and you had that accident with your bike, remember? She cried and shouted and I almost had to sedate her to keep her calm. She thought the man she loved was going to die...can you blame her for being that upset?"
Derek remained in silence, trying to process what Mark just said. Then realization hit him. "So you're saying that...Addison's in love with Meredith?"
Mark nodded. "Yeah...I don't like that, but I can't deny it. She loves her, she loves her probably like she never loved anyone else before, including you...or me..."
"Mark do you really love Addison?" asked Derek. There wasn't anger in his voice, not anymore. He wasn't in love with Addison anymore...yes, he deeply cared about her, but just as his friend. "I mean...I've always thought she was just a game for you. The woman you could never have. Kinda like a challenge for you."
Mark shook his head. "She was never a game. I love her, Derek, I've always loved her. Please, don't get mad if I say that I've been in love with her from the first time I saw her. But you loved her too and she loved you and there was nothing I could do. And when I saw you ignoring her and choosing your job over her I wanted to kill you because she didn't deserve to be treated that way and I would have done anything for her. That's why I slept with her. She was upset and she needed someone to remind her how wonderful she is because she was losing confidence in herself...and I couldn't resist, I wanted her so much and she was there, broken and abandoned by her husband...I'm sorry, Derek, I'm so sorry. I never planned of falling in love with her."
Derek nodded. "It's ok Mark. I wish you've told me before. I...I had no idea..."
Mark shrugged. "You weren't supposed to know. Anyway, now it's not important. It's not about you and me anymore. She's in love with Meredith and Meredith may die and I don't even want to think about it, cause I can't imagine what Addison would do."
"She has to make it." sighed Derek. "Meredith has to survive."
-o-
Addison didn't want to enter Ellis Grey's room, but she found herself walking in that hallway and before she knew it, she was sitting in the chair, waiting for Ellis to wake up. At least she knew that this Grey was waking up.
Ellis opened her eyes and looked around the room. "Water! Get me some water." she ordered when she saw the redhead doctor in the room.
Addison nodded and brought her a glass of water. Her eyes were still red for the crying and Ellis looked at her confused.
"You broke her." started Addison. She really didn't want to, but again, she couldn't control herself when it came to Meredith. "You called her ordinary. You taught her time and time again that nothing she does ever is good enough. Every good thing that Meredith is happened despite you."
"So it's you...the person Meredith's in love with. I can tell...well I never imagined she was a lesbian." said Ellis.
Addison ignored her. "She may not survive this. That's on you. That is on you." She almost shouted.
"Addison!" Derek appeared on the door. Addison sighed and left the room.
"That woman is..." started Addison.
"She's cold. There's no question but she can't help herself and she certainly can't fix Meredith." Derek tried to calm Addison, once again.
"It's my fault." cried Addison. "I should have told her how I feel, I should have gone to her place last night but I didn't...and now..."
"You think...you think that she went in the water on purpose?" asked Derek shocked. He couldn't believe that Meredith would do something like that.
Addison nodded. "She knows how to swim, she's a good swimmer."
"Addison, you don't know that's she..." Derek stopped when he saw Addison starting to cry again. "No, you do not get to break down, you don't get to fall apart. Not when there's still a chance and there still is a chance Addison, ok?"
"Ok." sighed Addison. Derek was right. There was still a chance.
Derek left and Addison tried to stop the tears from falling. In that moment, she saw Burke running down the hall.
"Preston!" she shouted. "Please, tell me that she's not..."
Burke shook his head. "No, she's...she's still the same, but she's not...I have to go, I have to pick up Cristina. She's at Joe's and I think she's freaking out. I have to bring her back here."
"Can I..." started Addison. "Can I go? I know how she's feeling, cause I feel pretty much the same."
Burke nodded. Maybe Addison was right, and the two women could keep each other strong.
-o-
Addison spotted Cristina sitting at the counter with a glass in her hand. She sighed and approached the woman, sitting next to her. "Been no change. Thought you should know."
"No kidding." replied Cristina harshly, without even looking at her.
"You should be there. You have a responsibility to Meredith." said Addison.
"Sorry Dr Montgomery. I don't do this stuff. I'm not proud, ok? I just..." Cristina finally looked up. "I can't. I can't go back there and watch."
"They wouldn't let us in anyway." sighed Addison. "But if they did, you should be there. This is about you and the woman you call your person. And if she..." Addison hesitated. She didn't want to say it out loud, because it would make it real, but she needed to bring Cristina back to the hospital. She owed it to Meredith. "If she dies and you are sitting here when that happens I can't see you coming back from that. You have to come and say goodbye to your friend. And if she makes it, I know she would want you there. She would want both of us."
Addison's pager went off. "So, you coming?"
Cristina got up, paid her drink and followed Addison to the hospital.
They found Derek, who had paged Addison, outside Meredith's room. "What's happening?" asked Addison, preparing herself for the worst.
"Nothing new, but the Chief agreed to let you in. And you too, Cristina, if you want. Just...you can wait here for a couple of minutes and prepare yourself. Addie, please, I know this is hard, but please, try to be strong, ok?"
Addison nodded and she sat down, with Cristina by her side.
"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you." said Addison suddenly.
Cristina looked at her without understanding. "Yesterday, in the OR...when you told me she's in love with me. I should have listened...maybe none of this would have happened."
"Dr Montgomery, it's not your fault." Cristina wasn't good at girls talking, but she knew Addison needed someone to talk to and she was Meredith's person, the only one who could really understand the pain she was feeling.
"Addison." sighed the attending. "I think it this situation it's ok for you to call me Addison. I know it's not my fault, but...I just...I should have listened to you. I love her, Cristina. I really do. And maybe I won't ever have the chance to tell her."
Derek approached the two women and told them they could go in.
"You will have the chance." said Cristina. "Meredith is strong, she's my person, she will be ok and you will tell her that you love her and you two will be a sickening happy couple annoying everyone around with your PDA!"
Addison smiled to the intern and entered the room. Her smile died on her face when she saw Burke, Bailey and the Chief standing there doing nothing. So it was over, there was nothing left to do.
Cristina went at the end of the bed and started rubbing Meredith's feet. They were so cold, she almost jumped for the shock. "Talk to her, Addison. Tell her. I believe in science, but sometimes, miracles do happen. I've never believed in the so-called power of love, but sometimes, people come back when they hear their beloved voice. So talk to her."
Addison nodded and walked to the bed. She caressed Meredith's cold face and a tear escaped her eye. "Meredith...you can't do this to me. You have to live, Meredith, you have to come back. Please, don't leave me...I love you, Meredith, come back to me...please." Now she was sobbing.
"Try again." whispered Cristina to Miranda and the Chief, still rubbing her friend's feet. "TRY AGAIN! Addison, keep talking."
"Ok, one more round of ACLS drugs." sighed Miranda and the Chief nodded. "One more."
"Meredith, come back, don't leave me! I can't do it without you!" repeated Addison. She didn't know if this could actually work, but now that she was there, holding Meredith's hand in hers, she couldn't stop. She didn't want to break down again, but it was so hard to pull it together when HER Meredith was lying there, lifeless. "I love you, Meredith, please, please...I need you to come back to me!"
-o-
"I was swimming, I was fighting." said Meredith, sitting in the desert hallway with Denny. "And then I thought, just for a second, I thought, what's the point. And then I let go, I stopped fighting. Don't tell anybody."
Denny nodded. "Ok."
They remained in silence for a while, and then Denny closed his eyes and smiled.
"What?" asked Meredith.
"Izzie." he whispered.
"You can see her?" It would be cool if he did. So if Meredith was stuck there forever, she could still see Addison. HER Addison.
"No." Denny crushed her hopes. "Sometimes we'll be in the same place at exactly the same time and...I can almost hear her voice. It's like I'm touching her. I like to believe she knows I'm there. That's you get, that's it. Moments with the people you love and they'll move on and you'll want them to move on. But still, Meredith, that's all you get. Moments."
Meredith started to cry, thinking about Addison moving on without her and not having the chance to be with her, to sleep by her side, to hold her hand and touch her, to see her smile again. "Is this really happening?" She couldn't believe she was really dying.
"I don't know. This is your afterlife, not mine."
Meredith looked up and Denny was gone. Suddenly, the water started to creep up around her and she had flashes over herself drowning. She got up and ran away, cause she couldn't live that once again.
She entered the ER where she found Denny, Bonnie and Liz. "I don't wanna be here. I wanna go back."
"We were told there wasn't a lot of time." said Bonnie, who wasn't bleeding anymore.
"I'm out of time?" asked Meredith.
"Well...we're not sure baby." said Liz.
"Oh god!" Meredith started panicking. "I can't...I need to go back, please...I can't...I can't..." She couldn't stay there. She had to go back. To finish her residency with her friends, to be with Cristina, to tell Addison that she loved her. She needed to go back. "Oh, I can't...I can't breathe!"
"This will pass." Bonnie seemed annoyed.
"It won't. It feels like..." Meredith looked up and saw her mother walking through the hall. "Mom?"
She walked into the hall with Denny and Ellis was at the other end.
"Go! Go Meredith!" said Denny.
She started walking.
"You shouldn't be here." said Ellis when they stood in front of each other.
"Neither should you."
"Just keep going. Don't be a damn..." Ellis stopped talking and hugged her daughter. For the first time in years, she hugged her. "You are...you are anything but ordinary, Meredith."
Meredith felt tears streaming down her cheeks and then she remembered when she first heard those words. Addison told her first. Addison had always believed in her. It was nice to hear those words from her mother. Maybe...maybe that afterlife wasn't that bad. An afterlife where her mother hugged her and was proud of her.
"Now run! Run!" cried Ellis, but Meredith didn't move. Now she wasn't sure she wanted to go back.
Suddenly, a voice filled the hall. A voice Meredith knew and loved. "Meredith...you can't do this to me. You have to live, Meredith, you have to come back. Please, don't leave me...I love you, Meredith, come back to me...please." It was Addison's voice...how was that possible? Denny said he couldn't really hear Izzie, so how come she could hear Addison? "Meredith, come back, don't leave me! I can't do it without you! I love you, Meredith, please, please...I need you to come back to me!"
"Meredith, run!" said Ellis once again. "She's waiting for you, she loves you! Run!"
Meredith looked at her mother once more, then she turned away and started running, till she saw a flash of light.
"We got a heartbeat!" it was Bailey's voice that Meredith heard after the flash of light.
"Oh my god!" Addison. This was Addison.
"We got it!" said Burke checking her pulse.
"Meredith!" Addison was crying again, but this time her tears were nothing but joyful.
Meredith couldn't open her eyes yet, but she knew she just came back.
-o-
"She's been down a long time. Do we know the brain function yet?" Addison asked Bailey when she finally stopped crying. She knew there was a chance Meredith could suffer from severe brain damages.
Bailey shook her head. "We don't know. I will page Shepherd right away."
Addison nodded. Bailey left the room, leaving Addison and Cristina alone with Meredith.
Cristina was still touching Meredith's feet, when she tried to talk.
"Did you just say something? Did you just speak?" asked Cristina, moving at Meredith's side and touching her face. Addison went on the other side, holding her breath.
"Ok, Mer, I don't understand you. Try...try again...try again for me, ok?" Meredith was trying to speak but she couldn't form a word. "What...I...I can't? Please, please don't be. Your brain works, ok? So all you need to do is form a word, please."
"Addison..." whispered Meredith and both the women in the room smiled.
"Oh god!" cried Cristina. Meredith opened her eyes. "Oh, hi! I'm getting married to Burke! Not that, that should be anywhere on your list of thought right now. But just in case you slip on the hall later or...You are the one person I wanted to tell. Thank you for not dying. Sorry, I...I leave you to your girl now."
Cristina stepped back and Addison took Meredith's hand in hers. They looked in the eyes for a while and smiled. No words were necessary, not in that moment.
After Burke had checked her vitals, Meredith was transferred to another room.
She was resting, when Addison came in.
"Hey" she said softly.
Meredith smiled. "Hey."
Addison sat near Meredith and took her hand once again.
"My mother's dead, isn't she?" asked Meredith.
Addison nodded. "Yes."
"It's ok, I think." sighed the intern. "I think it's ok."
"Meredith..." started Addison. There was so much she wanted to say, now that she knew everything could change in a moment.
But Meredith stopped her. "It's the way you say my name...it...I don't know, it makes me feel warm...inside...and I know it sounds cheesy but that's how it is."
Addison looked at Meredith confused.
"So when I heard your voice, calling my name and begging me not to leave you...I knew..." continued Meredith. "I knew I had to come back to you. And I did, I came back for you, Addison. I'm here, I'm alive, only thanks to you. And look, I know that what happened between us probably freaked you out and I'm sorry..."
"Shh, let's not talk about this now." whispered Addison, caressing Meredith's cheek. "I'm glad you're alive,
Meredith...I don't even want to think of what would have happened if you didn't come back. And I know there's a lot we have to talk about but...you need to rest now. We can talk later, or tomorrow, or any other day. It's not important now. What's important is that you're here and you're ok."
Meredith nodded and they stayed in silence for a while.
It was Meredith who broke the silence. "I stopped swimming."
"Uh?" asked Addison.
"I fell in the water and I tried to swim, Addison, I swear, I tried. But it was too hard, it was too cold...and for a moment I thought that there was no point in fighting. My mom never wanted me...and she thinks...thought, she's dead now...she thought I was a failure, an ordinary person. She had no faith in me. And maybe she was right...maybe I will never be the surgeon I wanna be, the person I wanna be. So I stopped fighting...it was just a moment and then I thought of you...you have faith in me, you believe that I'm gonna be great. So I tried to swim again but it was too late and before I knew, I passed out. It was my fault, cause I gave up for a second and I'm sorry, Addison, I'm so sorry."
"Why are you apologizing to me?" smiled the attending. It was so typically Meredith. She almost died and she was apologizing.
"Because for a second, for a brief moment, I forgot that you're worth the fight."
The two women stared in each other's eyes and both felt a shiver through their spines. Addison was the first to look away.
"Meredith, you need to rest. Sleep for a while and then, when you're better, we can talk about everything, ok?"
"Ok...but Addison...will you be here when I wake up?" asked Meredith hopefully.
"Of course I'll be here." whispered Addison, squeezing the intern's hand. "I'm not leaving you, Meredith. Not now, not ever."
-o-
AN2: Well, that's it. What do you think? I want to know if you liked the Addie/Cristina moment…I've been thinking about it for a while and I realized no one ever writes about them bonding. I thought this was the perfect moment. Let me know what you think.