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Chapter 10

A Snip in Time

Everyone in the village who'd been lucky enough to have been invited agreed that young Luke Ellingham's Christening party had been a very good do, the Doc and Louisa had put on a lovely spread, so now they all hoped that it was the first of many such occasions to come.

Louisa was sitting at the kitchen table, writing thank you letters for all the gifts that had been given to Luke for his Christening – she firmly believed in sending a proper, individual, hand written letter to each person who had been kind enough to give him a gift, but there were rather a lot to do. Luke was in his playpen, where he was happily playing with some toys for now – but she knew that he would soon get bored and start demanding attention. He was into everything now, crawling, pulling himself up, opening cupboards and emptying them, so they had had to 'babyproof' everything, putting door catches on all the kitchen cupboards, making sure that they always had the stair gate in place, leave nothing trailing that Luke could pull down on top of himself. He was a naturally very curious little boy, so looking after him was hard work at the moment, Louisa sometimes felt that she needed eyes in the back of her head. He loved being on his feet, and sometimes he let go of whatever he was holding onto, so that he was standing on his own for a few seconds. It was pretty obvious that he was going to be taking his first steps before too long, early in this as in all his development so far. He'd also had a fair amount of falls and knocks, as was to be expected with such an active little boy, so there had been quite a few tears too.

Martin came in from his study where he'd been writing up some notes and researching a couple of cases.

"Not started anything for supper yet?" he enquired.

"What does it look like Martin, I'm trying to write all these letters as well as keep Luke happy, so no, I haven't started anything yet," Louisa snapped back at him.

"Alright, I was only asking, I'll make a start then," Martin replied, thinking 'She'sverytouchy'.

Then he thought about what date it was and realised – it was nearly 'that' time of the month again, meaning that she was pre-menstrual. Once he realised this he relaxed, accepting that logically it was just the affect of her hormones making her snappy.

He'd been keeping a spread sheet of her cycle, partly because he was monitoring things to make sure that the IUD wasn't causing any problems, partly so that he was aware of where she was in her cycle so that he was pre-warned of any mood swings - such as today, and partly because he found it fascinating working out the affects of all the different hormones involved.

xXx

"Ellingham," Martin answered his mobile in his usual curt manner during his lunch break one day the following week.

"Doctor Ellingham, it's Sally Chadwick from the school." Sally sounded rather nervous.

"What is it this time, has one of the children stuck a crayon up their nose again?" he asked wearily. What was it with children, whatever they had in their hand always seemed to find its way into one of their numerous orifices, it seemed to him.

"No, not this time...it's Mrs Ellingham actually," Sally told him.

"Why, what's the matter with her?" Martin asked, instantly concerned.

"She's fine now, but I think you should know that she came over all faint today, had to sit down quietly for a while before she recovered. Not the first time either, it's happened a few times before. She didn't want to make a fuss or call you, but I'm a bit worried about her, so I thought you should know. Only don't tell her I've rung will you?" Sally explained.

"I appreciate your call. I'll come up to the school to see her now - will I find her in her office?" Martin asked.

"Yes, she should be. Thanks Doctor," Sally said.

xXx

Louisa felt like crap. 'The Curse', they called it and as far as she was concerned that was the correct term. But it was only for a few days a month, everything else was fine, so it was no big deal. She certainly didn't want Martin making a fuss over it, so she hadn't told him about it all. She knew that he kept one of his efficient spreadsheets for her menstrual cycle, at least then he was aware of when it was her 'lady time' she supposed. Most men found it to be such an embarrassing subject, but Martin treated it in a purely factual, medical way and actually seemed to be fascinated by how all these wretched hormones worked and affected her.

She was surprised as she looked up from her desk to see Martin coming into her study, carrying his medical bag.

"Hello Martin, what are you doing here?" she asked him.

"I err... was passing after visiting a patient, so I thought I'd call in to say hello," Martin lied, remembering Sally's request not to say she'd rung.

"Oh right, well...how was your morning?" Louisa asked him as she continued to sort through some papers – as usual there were far too many applicants for the next term's intake at her school, and she was trying to work out a way to take in a few extra pupils.

"The usual, malingerers, time wasters, and nosy parkers," Martin told her. He had a new photo on his desk to add to his collection- it was of his whole family now, himself holding Luke, Louisa and Joan as a proud little group outside the church at Luke's Christening. He swore that several of his patients had made an appointment just to see the photo, the way they were craning their necks to look at it. But he wanted it on his desk where he could see it, so he put up with the nosiness. He noticed Louisa's matching photo on her desk too.

"You look rather pale, are you alright?" Martin asked her.

"I'm fine, I'm always quite pale, it's my natural skin colour in case you hadn't noticed," She told him irritably. She was beginning to smell a rat...

"Well seeing as I'm here, why don't I check you over in any case?" Martin was pretty hopeless at lying or making up cover stories.

"Sally rang you didn't she? I told her not to, I'm fine, really," Louisa said with a sigh, quickly working out what had gone on.

"Well I'm glad she did. Why haven't you told me about fainting again, I need to know these things, how can I monitor you properly if I don't have all the facts?" he lectured her angrily.

"Here we go, this is precisely why I didn't tell you. It's nothing, I didn't actually pass out or anything I just felt a little light headed. It's normal for me, it's just a couple of days in the month, everything else is fine and I don't want you making any fuss," she glared at him.

"I'll be the judge of what's normal, and fainting every month isn't normal. Sounds to me as if you're going to have to have the IUD removed because it's causing heavy periods, you run the risk of becoming anaemic again if we don't get it sorted," he said as he started to check her over.

Louisa let him carry on, realising that it was probably quicker to do that than argue with him – he could be very stubborn.

"I'm taking a blood sample to get your iron levels checked out. In future Louisa, I would appreciate it if you would keep me fully informed in these matters. You seem OK for now, but we'll continue this conversation tonight," Martin told her firmly as he quickly took the sample and carefully put it in his medical bag.

"Great. I can't wait." Louisa replied with a resigned look on her face, as she watched Martin march out of her office, heading back to his surgery.

xXx

"Martin, I don't want to have the IUD removed, it's perfect in every other way, we never have to worry about taking precautions, and really, it's no big deal, I just feel a bit rough for a couple of days in the month. I have a very good diet with plenty of iron in it, so I'm unlikely to be anaemic," Louisa told Martin that evening, determined to carry on as they were.

"Your health comes before anything else Louisa, heavy periods are not normal and you shouldn't have to feel bad every month for any days at all," Martin replied, equally as determined.

"Anyway, what other contraceptive could we use that's as effective? I don't really want to go on the pill, I've tried it in the past, but it made me feel hormonal all the time, it just didn't suit me," Louisa told him.

"Hmm, I'd not be very keen for you to go on the pill at your age anyway, although you don't have any contra indications as such. We can use condoms," Martin stated. He'd read Louisa's medical notes from start to finish many times, so he knew about her trying the pill before. He'd never felt it to be appropriate for him to question her about the reasons why she'd gone on the pill at that time, it could be prescribed for other things such as improving acne, controlling periods etc, but he couldn't help wondering whether she'd been in a relationship at the time or not. Her notes had indicated that she'd simply wanted to control her cycle, but people don't always tell their doctor the whole truth he knew.

"Well condoms aren't always reliable as we well know Martin, and they aren't...well...for a man it's not so...pleasurable is it? And it's harder to be spontaneous, you'd need to make sure you always had some handy Martin, just in case we...got carried away," Louisa smiled at him knowingly.

"I err...I'm sure I could manage that. Anyway, research has shown that when using high quality condoms, consistently and properly applied, the failure rate is only around 2%, comparing favourably with other methods of contraception, with only a minor negative impact on the male sexual experience," Martin replied. But in truth he knew that using a condom would affect things from his point of view. Sex without any barriers was unquestionably more pleasurable, but nothing was more important to him than Louisa's health.

"Anyway, there is another solution which would solve the problem once and for all," Martin told her.

"What's that then?" Louisa asked curiously.

"I could have a vasectomy, then we won't have to worry ever again," Martin suggested.

Louisa looked at him in shock and horror.

"But that's permanent, and irreversible Martin," she said to him.

"Yes, I know, but I'd be prepared to undergo the procedure if it solved our problem," Martin offered, surprised by her response.

"So you have decided, you are sure, 100% certain, that you never ever want us to even consider having another baby?" Louisa asked him, looking as if someone had slapped her in the face.

"Good God Louisa, have another baby...you know I'm no good at this father business, how I've struggled with Luke, why on earth would I want us to have another baby?" he said, clearly horrified and then looked on in astonishment as Louisa's face crumpled and she rushed out of the room.

He sat there for a minute in shocked silence, then followed her upstairs to their bedroom, finding her sitting on their bed.

"What was that all about?" he asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Has it been so horrendous then, having Luke, that you're so keen to permanently rule out having another baby without even a second thought? I'm not saying that I want another baby right now, this minute, I've not long been back at work from maternity leave after all, but I'd hoped that sometime in the not too distant future we might at least talk about trying for another baby. I can't afford to leave it too long at my age. Do you hate being a father that much? I thought we were happy – have I got it all wrong then?" Louisa turned to look at him, her face distraught.

"No, no, of course not, I'm very happy as we are, the three of us. All I meant was that vasectomy was an option to be considered, I didn't mean… but truthfully you know I'm not any good with babies...children, so I thought you understood..." Martin tried to explain lamely. "I'm just not very good father material, and surely it wouldn't be fair to bring another baby into the world that I'd struggle even harder to be a father to. And at your age there are increased risks," he tried to explain.

"There is still a far greater chance that we would have a normal baby even at our ages, Martin. And you are a fantastic father to Luke, I don't know why you don't see that. As he gets older, you'll be great when he needs help with his science or his maths for example, or you can teach him to play chess maybe. It doesn't have to be all about football or sport– he may hate it, or else he can join the club at school. And have you not even thought about how nice it would be for Luke to have a little brother or a sister for company? This may all be academic, I may not even be able to have another baby, especially at my age, which is why we couldn't afford to leave it too long before we tried again. I just find it hard to accept that you can definitely, 100% say that you do not want to ever have another baby," Louisa spelt out to him.

"I just hadn't ever really thought about it, it has never occurred to me, Louisa," Martin said lamely.

xXx

Joan soon picked up that things were not as they had been between Martin and Louisa. There was an uneasy atmosphere between them, no little kisses or touching, just a strained politeness, so the first opportunity she got she collared Martin.

"What's the matter with you two, have you had a row?" she asked him outright, no beating about the bush.

"I don't know what you mean Auntie Joan, everything is fine," Martin replied defensively.

"Bollocks. Come on, out with it, what have you done to upset Louisa now?" Joan asked firmly.

"Oh I see, has to be my fault does it?" Martin said.

"Well isn't it? No good letting whatever the matter is fester, best get it out it the open and sorted," Joan told him.

Martin heaved a big sigh before finally confiding in Joan.

"I've stuffed up. Big time. Not sure how, or even if I can put it right actually," Martin told her miserably, before filling her in with what had passed between him and Louisa.

"So now it doesn't matter what I say, it won't be right will it? I'll just make things worse, so I'm scared to say anything at all. If I say that I've changed my mind and we should try for another baby soon, she'll think that I don't really want a baby, just like she believed I didn't want Luke, and that I'm just saying it to keep her happy. But if I stick to my guns and say that I don't want another baby, she's going to think that I still regret having Luke, and will be upset about not having another baby. So I don't really see how I can put it right, make it how it was before, so I've ruined everything. If you'd seen her face..." the look on Louisa's face was haunting him, he couldn't bear to see her so unhappy, especially knowing that he'd caused it.

"And how do you really feel about having another baby, Martin?" Joan asked him quietly.

"Truthfully, I'd never even given it a second thought, so when Louisa talked about it, it was just an instant reaction. Now that I've had time to think about it, I suppose that if I've survived one baby, maybe another one wouldn't be so bad...if that's what Louisa wants," Martin told her.

"Oh Marty, why don't you ever think things through before you open your mouth about such sensitive matters, will you ever learn?" Joan said exasperatedly.

xXx

"It was an honest reaction, that's how he feels, and really that's better than him lying to me, pretending to want a baby when he doesn't," Louisa told Jenny. It was good to have a friend to confide in, close as she was to Joan, she felt that she would find it hard to be impartial, and she didn't want to put her in the position of having to take sides, she was pretty sure that Martin had already confided in her.

"Yes but you have to remember that he was a bachelor for many years before you two got together, he's had to make a lot of adjustments in the last year, maybe you just need to give him a bit of time to adjust, to get used to the idea. Remember that it came out of the blue as far as he's concerned – you just have to talk to him to sort this out," Jenny advised her.

Jenny could hardly believe that she was defending Martin to Louisa, but the more time that she'd spent with them both, the more Jenny realised that Martin was actually a very good partner for Louisa, and a very good father to Luke, underneath that gruff exterior. Jenny had come to like and respect Martin, much to her surprise. In her opinion Louisa livened Martin up, and Martin provided stability for Louisa - they really were very good for each other, and she hated the thought that a simple lack of communication, albeit on a very important matter, could come between them.

"I don't want to have to talk him into anything so important. If he really doesn't want another baby, but I managed to persuade him to have one, he would just resent it wouldn't he? It's not like persuading him to have the party, this is far too important. After the rocky start we had with Luke..." Louisa insisted.

"Yes but look how well things have turned out now with Martin and Luke, they adore each other it's plain to see. You really would like another baby wouldn't you, and you know you really can't afford to leave this decision too long... at your age..." Jenny tried to tactfully point out

"Well, I hadn't planned on having another baby just yet, I've not long been back at work from my maternity leave after all, and Luke's not even one yet, but I'd thought we'd maybe start talking about it next year. I really don't know how we are ever going to sort this so that we're both happy – maybe we're just incompatible on this," Louisa sighed unhappily.

xXx

Martin came home from work to a very quiet house. No little boy happily crawling to see him, laughing and smiling and wanting to be picked up. No one calling out to him, asking how his day had been, reaching up to kiss his cheek. And it was very tidy everywhere, no toys or baby clutter anywhere. The house felt dead to Martin. He sighed and headed to the kitchen to make his supper, just enough for one.

Louisa was away for the week, it was the end of May half term, and she had been invited to join Jenny and her boys – Dan was ten and Ben was eight - in a holiday cottage in Wales that she had booked for the week. Chris wasn't going, he was too busy to take time off work. They would each take their own cars, as there was not enough room in either of their cars for everything. As long as she had the post code of where she had to go, her Sat Nav would find the way for her.

"I think it would be good for us both to have some space for a while, to think things through Martin. You can have the house to yourself without us messing it up for you or annoying you with inappropriate music," Louisa had told him. Martin didn't try to talk her out of going. If Louisa had mind up her mind to go, there really was no point.

They were still talking, but only about factual, everyday things, not about 'feelings' or anything important – like babies. He'd quizzed her about how safe the holiday cottage would be for Luke, and had been assured that it was fully kitted out with all the required safety equipment. He'd helped her load everything in her car, kissed them both goodbye, and then watched the car drive off.

There were so many things that he missed while they were gone, he had had nearly a week now to himself. He couldn't believe how much he missed them both. Since they'd moved in together, they'd always seen each other every day, even if it was only for a short while.

It was too quiet. Recently, he'd complained irritably to Louisa when he'd come home and found her dancing round the living room with Luke, singing to some dreadful pop music. Luke had been laughing and giggling as Louisa sang to him.

"For God's sake Louisa, what on earth are you doing, listening to that rubbish?" he'd snapped at her irritably.

Now he just wanted to hear her singing and see her dancing round, whatever the music – why had he been so grumpy about it?

He missed watching her effortlessly twirl her hair up into a pony tail or some other style – how she did it without even looking in the mirror was still a complete mystery to him. He missed watching her dry her hair – there was so much of it. He'd always had very short cropped hair that took 30 seconds to towel dry and comb through, he didn't even possess a hairdryer.

He missed all the silly feminine articles of clothing lying around – thongs, strings, shorties, magic pants (they were bloody awful, in his opinion), push up bras, balcony bras, T shirt bras, sports bras- he'd learnt the finer points of all the different articles of everyday feminine underwear from Louisa - it had been quite an eye opener. Martin always wore exactly the same make and style of underwear - he liked white, fitted cotton trunks that he found to have the necessary support that he required in that area. Louisa had suggested that although they did look nice on him, maybe a little variety would be nice, but he'd refused to even consider trying anything different. Now he wondered why he was being so stubborn about a little change like that.

He missed their evening routine when they prepared their supper – they usually did it together, chatting about the events of the day as they did so. They had very similar healthy tastes in food, both enjoying fish, pasta, and salads. He missed seeing Luke's messy face as he sat in his high chair at the table with them, he usually tried some of what they were having, wearing his scoop bib to catch all the bits of food. He'd try anything, sometimes pulling a funny little screwed up face if it was a flavour he wasn't used to, spitting it out, then trying it again to be sure. Luke chatted and babbled as he and Louisa talked, joining in the conversation as best as he could. This was probably Martin's favourite time of day.

He felt a lump in his throat when he opened the bathroom cupboard, and saw Louisa's favourite shower gel – he couldn't help himself, he had to smell it to remind himself of her, thinking of her singing in the shower, coming out with a towel wrapped round her, dripping wet hair, looking so alluring ... what he found less alluring were all the lady shaving implements left in there sometimes that were apparently necessary for all the different parts of a women's body – he'd never realised before how much effort a woman had to put in to look so natural.

Then there were things like face scrubs, face packs, exfoliators, pore refiners, cleansers, toners, moisturisers – one for day, one for night, one for eyes, serums- it seemed endless, he was just glad men weren't expected to do all that rubbish, although Louisa informed him that some men did. More fool them in his opinion. Then there was the tweezering of eyebrows, that looked bloody painful too. But it had all been a learning curve for him that he found intriguing.

He was used to sleeping on his own sometimes, when he was on call, but now the bed seemed too big, too empty. It wasn't just about the sex, great though that was, it was the closeness, the sharing, being a couple that he missed the most.

He really missed Luke's darling little face, with his cute blonde quiff that everyone loved to touch. He missed the way that he was always so happy to see him, he was still at a loss to really understand quite why Luke loved being with him so much, but he clearly did. And it was pure, unconditional love. He missed being able to go and look at him when he was asleep, looking so perfect.

Louisa had lots of photos in the living room – mostly they were of Luke, she took them all the time, and now he found himself looking at them, even touching them.

xXx

Finally Saturday came and they were due to return. He found himself constantly looking out of the window for her car. She'd said she hoped to be back around 4pm, in time for Luke to have his tea and normal bedtime routine.

It was nearer to 5pm when he finally saw her car pull up on their drive. He went out to meet her as she got out of the car – he could see that Luke was asleep in his car seat.

He went straight up to her and pulled her into his arms – she felt wonderful, and he held her very tight. She reached up on her tip toes so that she could wrap her arms around his neck. He felt just as wonderful to her. She had missed his calm, quiet presence terribly, Jenny's boys were pretty boisterous and noisy. She had also missed Martin's sheer big physical presence, and she relished being wrapped up in his big arms and chest.

They stood just holding each other for several minutes.

"I missed you," Louisa said, not letting go of him. She just wanted to breathe him in.

"Yes... I...missed you too," Martin replied, gently kissing her head.

They were interrupted by the sound of Luke beginning to wake up.

"Oh, he's going to be very grumpy, I didn't really want him to go to sleep, but we hit loads of traffic, so it took longer to get back than I thought," Louisa explained, finally tearing herself away from Martin.

"I'll get him," said Martin, moving to the car.

As soon as Luke saw Martin, he smiled happily and laughed, holding out his arms to be picked up.

He wasn't grumpy at all now that he'd seen Martin. He'd really missed his Daddy too.

Martin unclipped him from his seat and lifted him out, holding him close and loving the feeling of the little arms round his neck.

xXx

Later that evening, once Luke was safely tucked up for the night, they talked as they sat together on the sofa.

"Look, now I've had a chance to think things through, I've realised that I'm more than happy with just you and Luke, so if having another baby isn't an option for you, then I've decided that I can live with that. What we already have is just too special to spoil with arguments about something that may not even be possible. I missed you so very much while I was away," Louisa told Martin.

"Have the IUD removed, we use condoms for now, then when you feel the time is right...I'll leave it up to you to decide when that is...then we see what happens. If you get pregnant we have another baby. If you don't then it's not meant to be and we just be happy that we have Luke," Martin blurted out.

"What...Martin...are you sure?" Louisa couldn't quite believe what she was hearing. "You are suggesting that we could try for another baby when the time is right... when I feel ready?"

"Can't bear to be without you Louisa, I've told you that before. Can't bear to see you unhappy either. If you must know, I've hated being here on my own, can't believe now that's how I used to live. I missed Luke very much too.I've survived one baby, so no doubt I can survive another, might actually enjoy it. But only one more. There is a limit. And you'd have to promise to let me be fully involved this time, take you to all your check ups, be there for any scans or tests, not keep anything from me." He said all this very gruffly, not actually looking at Louisa.

"Martin, I do love you so very much," Louisa told him, holding his face between her hands so that he had to look at her. Then she kissed him very softly on his lips.

"I think we'll need to do some serious practicing though," she told him.

"Practicing?" he asked her.

"Baby making practicing. Starting tonight. To make sure we get it perfect when the right time comes," Louisa insisted, taking him by the hand and heading towards the stairs with him.

"Well, I suppose practice does make perfect," Martin replied, smiling broadly, his world coming alive once again as he happily followed her to their bedroom.