Disclaimer: Doc Martin is the property ofBuffalo Pictures. I own nothing except my imagination.
The Name Game - Chapter 32
One evening after they had put Luke to bed, Louisa handed Martin a book.
"What's this?" he asked, looking at it.
"Baby Names. We really should start getting some ideas. You like researching things, so you can make this your next project Martin," Louisa suggested. She was very curious to see what names he would choose. Her guess was that he would go for the traditional names, nothing too wacky or 'out there'. Actually she felt much the same herself. As a school teacher, she had seen names come and go in fads, but the traditional names stood the test of time in her opinion. It was all very well naming your child after your favourite actor or pop group member, but a few years down the line when they were a 'has been', checking into rehab for their drug addiction, the name didn't seem so glamorous then.
"Well, I don't know, can't you come up with some suggestions, like you did with Luke, you did very well with that choice," Martin pleaded. He'd liked the name as soon as Louisa had suggested it. It was a good strong traditional boy's name that couldn't really be messed around with, and he couldn't remember anyone with that name that he'd disliked in the past. Being the patron saint of Doctors was an interesting link, and now that he knew Louisa better he realised that it was typical of her to have researched and found out that fact. He supposed that explained why there were a fair number of St. Luke hospitals and medical schools.
"I do have a shortlist of boys and girls names from last time, one that I compiled before Luke was born. I wasn't sure which one would be right until he was born. When he arrived, Luke just seemed to suit him perfectly to me, and luckily you agreed. Whatever his first name, his middle name was always going to be Martin if it was a boy, to keep a link with his father," Louisa explained. Choosing names had been a way of passing lonely evenings, but it had been very sad completing it on her own. So now she was looking forward to Martin's input.
"Well I suppose I could look through your book and see if any names jump out at me," Martin agreed. He hadn't got a clue what to choose, but it wouldn't be anything like some of the ridiculous made up names some people seemed to want to saddle their children with these days.
Ever diligent and efficient, Martin spent some time reading through the name book, and made it his latest project as Louisa had suggested. A few days later, she asked him,
"How's your research coming along for our baby's name? Have you come up with a list yet?" She was dying with curiosity to see what he would come up with, she just hoped it wouldn't be anything too awful that she would have to try to tactfully put him off. But she really wanted him to be involved in the choice this time.
"I'm working on it, I've a way to go yet, so many to choose from, but I'm getting there. Actually it's far easier picking out names that I definitely wouldn't choose, which I suppose narrows the choice anyway," Martin explained.
"So what names have you ruled out then?" Louisa enquired, wondering if there were any from the names she had on her short list.
'Thomas – gets shortened to Tommy, Tommy's Taxis, so that's a 'no'," Martin told her.
"Fair point I suppose," Louisa reluctantly agreed. She really liked the name, but knew how deeply upset Martin had been by the crash in Tommy's taxi.
"Daniel – no further explanation needed I think as to why that's a 'no'," Martin carried on.
"OK." Louisa accepted his feelings on that one.
"James – gets shortened to Jim or Jimmy, I don't need reminding of the late great Doctor Jim Sim, my predecessor, or of Pauline's Uncle Jimmy," Martin told her firmly.
"Oh, shame," Louisa mentally crossed that one off her list.
"And absolutely no chance of anything to do with the names Christopher, or Terence," Martin told her adamantly.
"Right, I see." She wasn't that keen on either of them anyhow.
"Edward is an absolute no no, Joan had that… that….thing with the decorator chappie." Memories of walking in on Joan…with him.. on the kitchen table, he still shuddered at the thought of it. "And Eddie Rix, patient of mine, so that's another reason why Edward is a 'no'."
Another shudder went through him as he recalled the image that had greeted his eyes when he'd opened the curtains in their bedroom to behold Eddie…all strapped and chained up in his sadomasochistic harness.
"Edward's definitely out then," Louisa accepted. She didn't know about Eddie's secret life but could see by Martin's expression that something had upset him.
"And John is another 'no'. That chap John Slater thought he could sail back into Joan's life and upset her, and then there's Johnny Bamford, smarmy git, so not John."
"OK Martin, I get the message," Louisa said.
"And not Mark or Joseph, fruitcakes the pair of them," Martin stated.
"That's a bit harsh, but OK," Louisa agreed.
"Adrian, don't suppose you remember that young arse of a doctor who told the village about my 'blood thing', but I hate that name," Martin added.
"Right, sure," Louisa said.
"David, gets shortened to Dave, the name of the postman, I don't want my son named after him," Martin continued.
"Umm right," Louisa agreed.
"Ross, the life guard, complete tosser, so that name's out," Martin told her.
"And Theo – I wouldn't want to be reminded of that nasty little brat Theo Wenn for goodness sake." Martin added that name to his growing list.
"Well are there any names that you do actually like then? And what about girls names too?" Louisa asked him.
"I'm still working on it, I'm making progress." He hadn't even started on girls names yet, he was still working his way through the boys section. Meticulous and thorough, that was Martin.
"Well let me know when you finally come up with some names that pass muster with you Martin, but just bear in mind that we only have a few weeks left before we have to choose something," Louisa reminded him as she patted her bump, thinking that maybe she should have just given him a few suggestions of her own after all.
A few days later, Martin gave her an update.
"I've ruled out quite a few girls names now, would you like to hear what they are?" Martin offered helpfully. Louisa wondered why he couldn't just come up with a simple list as she'd asked him, but with a sigh told him,
"Sure, go ahead, what names have you ruled out then?"
"Edith, obviously," Martin started with.
"Agreed," Louisa instantly answered.
"Elaine or Pauline, also for obvious reasons," Martin added.
"Yep," agreed Louisa.
"Melanie – young patient who developed a crush on me, so that's a 'no'," Martin continued.
"Really! Do tell, Martin, I had no idea," Louisa enquired, intrigued.
"Patient confidentiality. Can't say any more," Martin replied brusquely.
"Oh, I see." Louisa thought she would have to find out more about this at some point. Martin could be a bit of a dark horse sometimes.
"Alison or Delph, conjures up pictures of obesity for me I'm afraid," Martin confided.
"Shame, but OK," Louisa accepted.
"Beth or Janet, reminds me of the mad sisters up on the Moors," Martin added.
"Mmmh yes they are rather odd, so I wouldn't want those names either," Louisa agreed.
"Holly or Caroline. I know they're friends of yours, but they're such bossy stroppy women, I wouldn't want to use their names," Martin told her.
"No, I agree," Louisa told him. Holly had been a snobby cow to her, and she associated Caroline with Carrie Wilson, her of the Wilson hotel that had tried it on with Martin. "So, are you any nearer to coming up with a short list of names that you do like, so that we can compare notes hmm?"
"Very nearly. Another day or two should be enough I think," Martin told her.
xXx
Finally Martin told her that he had his lists ready. Louisa couldn't complain that he hadn't given this task his utmost attention, he'd gone right through the book, cover to cover.
"Maybe you should start, tell me what was on your original shortlist, when you had Luke," Martin suggested.
"Ok, you can read the list for yourself if you like," Louisa said as she passed him her little notebook that she carried round to add names as she thought of them.
Martin read the first page with interest.
"Dominic. I was at school with a Dominic, he was the prefect who stuck my head down the toilets at school, part of the initiation rites," Martin coolly informed her.
"Good grief, guess that's a 'no' from you then," Louisa said, horrified. Luke had very nearly been Dominic.
"Alexander. My Father's middle name," Martin informed her.
"I had no idea. Cross that one out then," Louisa agreed.
"Simon. That's on my short list, so possible," Martin told her.
"Oh good, at last one that isn't a 'no'." Louisa was relieved.
"Philip, yes, Joan would be pleased about that, so a maybe again," Martin accepted.
"I thought she might like it," Louisa told him.
"Adam. Pauline's brother with the perforated septum and subsequent loud snoring problem. They squabbled like schoolchildren in my surgery, so no, not Adam."
"Oh, are you sure, I really like that name, but I suppose if you don't, it has to be a 'no'," Louisa reluctantly agreed.
"Harry. Hmm, not too bad I suppose, but I'm not so keen on Jack, he might get called Jacky or Jack the lad," Martin informed her.
"OK, so Harry makes it to our short list then," Louisa agreed.
"Robert – my old boss at Imperial's name, not really a connection that I want to be reminded of all the time actually. And it might get shortened to Bobby, like young Bobby Richards, so 'no' to that one," Martin told her.
"I see," said Louisa.
"Michael – could get shortened to Mick, reminds me of Mick Mabely that convict and thief who worked as a chef at Bert's for a while. So 'no' to that one," Martin explained.
"Right. OK," Louisa accepted with a sigh.
"Is that it for boy's names?" Martin was surprised.
"Well I had a few more, but you've already told me they're 'no', so I crossed them off. I had Thomas and James you see," Louisa explained.
"Ah right, well I have given you my reasons, I hope you can see the logic, they really wouldn't be suitable names when you analyse them Louisa, maybe you should have given it more thought, not been so impulsive in making your choices," he lectured her.
"Alright Martin, no need to get so high and mighty about it. So what's on your short list for boy's names then?" Louisa asked him, a bit annoyed.
"I have compiled a spreadsheet, in order of preference. I have left a space for your comments by each one," Martin handed her his first spreadsheet.
Louisa took it, fascinated to see what he had finally come up with after spending so much time on it.
"Matthew. Nice name, but I've taught three Matthews recently and they've all been very naughty. Now I associate the name with difficult boys, I'm afraid," Louisa explained.
"Well our son wouldn't be like that, so I don't see the problem," Martin countered.
"Think Theo Wenn, Martin. The 'nasty little shit' association spoils the name, doesn't it?" Louisa reminded him.
"I suppose so," Martin reluctantly conceded.
"Andrew. My brother's name. I had considered it, but it makes me feel so sad thinking about him, it doesn't seem fair to land it on a poor little innocent baby. I just want to cry when I think about him…." Louisa did indeed look very sad.
"OK, OK, I'll rule that one out then," Martin quickly agreed.
"Peter. That brings to mind Peter Cronk. I know you saved his life years ago Martin, but have you seen him lately? He's a very spotty lad of about fifteen now, thinks he knows it all, he's giving his Mum quite a hard time at the moment. So it's a 'no' from me on Peter," Louisa told him firmly.
"Right. I see. Haven't had anything to do with him recently, so I didn't know that," Martin said. He was beginning to wonder if they would ever agree on more than a couple of names, with all their associations with pupils and patients. It was a miracle that they had agreed on 'Luke' instantly.
"Simon is next on your list, and I've got that one on mine, so that's a possible, and then you've got Richard."
"Yes, it was Joan's Uncle Richard, known as Dick, who left her the farm, well to her and Dad, which is where all the financial problems between them started," Martin explained.
"Well I like Richard, but I don't like the name 'Dick' for pretty obvious reasons," Louisa told him.
"What obvious reasons?" Martin asked.
"Oh for goodness sake Martin, surely even you know that it's used as a name to describe that part of the male anatomy, or as a derogatory name, you know….. 'dickhead'. Surely you researched all the common nicknames as you've been so thorough?"
"It didn't occur to me, I'm sorry I'm not as used to thinking about playground humour as you obviously are," Martin retorted.
"Same goes for William I'm afraid. Even you must have blokes referring to their 'willy' in your surgery?"
"Ok, point taken, so we rule out Richard and William, although they were good enough for Kings of England," Martin said rather shirtily.
"Arthur. That's the name of the old boy who does our garden, have you forgotten? You really want to name our son after our gardener?" Louisa asked him.
"Ah right, no, I'd forgotten about him, you always deal with him after all. I just thought you might rather like the Cornish associations with the name," Martin explained.
"Timothy. My next door neighbours at White Rose Cottage had a dog that they called Timmy, so 'no' to that one," Louisa said.
"Ok, I can see that," Martin accepted, he hated dogs after all.
"Stephen. Yes I quite like Stephen, I might prefer the other spelling though, S-t-e-v-en," Louisa told him.
"Well that might encourage him to be called Steve, which I'm not so keen on," Martin pointed out.
"You can't stop people abbreviating names, even if you don't," Louisa reminded him. "I quite like your next one too, Nicholas, but I'm not so keen on Nicky or Nick, so same thing really, I suppose. Gosh this is getting quite difficult. Maybe we should be like the celebs, name him after the place he was conceived," Louisa suggested
"What do you mean?" Martin had no idea what she was talking about.
"You know, like Brooklyn Beckham, he was conceived in Brooklyn in America, so that's what they called him."
"Who the hell is Brooklyn Beckham?" Martin was still clueless.
"Son of the footballer David Beckham, you know, was the England captain, married Posh Spice, even you must have heard of them Martin. We could call our son Portwenn Ellingham," Louisa collapsed in a fit of giggles.
Martin looked at her as if she was mad. He found it very unhelpful when she started getting silly and giggling, he found no humour in the situation at all.
"We could call him Port for short, or Wenny." She carried on giggling despite Martin's black look at her.
"Hmmm. Perhaps we should move onto girls names. Here is my list," he suggested, holding it out and ignoring her stifled giggles.
Louisa looked at it. Sometimes she thought Martin had had a humour bypass, although he was quite capable of coming up with cutting witty remarks on occasions.
"Katherine – well Kate is pretty high on my list, so that's a possible then, that's a good start," Louisa told him.
"It was my Grandmother's name, Joan's mother, the one whose engagement ring you now have," Martin explained.
"Well that's a lovely connection, I like that," Louisa said. "And then you've got Emily, which I like, but I don't think it goes very well with Ellingham – Emily Ellingham is a bit of a mouthful don't you think?"
"Maybe, I suppose, Martin conceded.
"Sophie – pretty name, but spoiled for me as last term we had a Sophie at school who had permanent green snot hanging from her nose," Louisa told him.
"Should have got her to see me, sounds like a nasty sinus infection, I could have sorted her out," Martin responded.
"Olivia – yes, I rather like that, very pretty, that's a possible I think," said Louisa. "Is that it Martin, your list isn't very long"
"Well, I don't know much about girls names, I've never had much to do with girls after all," Martin told her.
"Well here's my list then," Louisa said as she passed him her notebook.
"Hannah, I suppose I don't mind that," Martin said.
"Good start," Louisa said happily.
"Georgina – unusual, but I don't hate it," Martin told her.
"My Grandmother's name – my Mum's mother. Mum hated it but I've always rather liked it," Louisa explained.
"Rose/Rosie/Roseanna – I'm assuming you can't decide which variant you prefer? Well I prefer Roseanna, but Rose for a shortened version could be acceptable I suppose, Martin said.
"Good," replied Louisa.
"Charlotte – yes I quite like that, and Jessica, I hadn't considered that either," Martin had not spent as much time on the girls section of the names book as the boys, it was pretty apparent.
"Well at least we have a few possibilities now Martin, maybe we'll just have to wait until this little one makes his or her arrival to make the final choice, just as I did with Luke," Louisa suggested.
"Yes, I think that is the best plan now, no good arguing over names that we may not even need to consider after all," Martin agreed.
Louisa had a sneaky feeling that although she'd made Martin promise not to find out what sex the baby was at their last scan, maybe he'd seen anyway, and although he wasn't telling her, he wasn't bothering to choose names for a daughter he knew they weren't having.