Disclaimer: Doc Martin is the property ofBuffalo Pictures. I own nothing except my imagination.
Insomnia - Chapter 33
Louisa was very busy in the last couple of weeks before she went on her maternity leave at the end of February, making sure that everything was up to date and organised. One evening she spent ages going over the budget figures for the school, trying to get everything to balance.
"I just can't get these ruddy figures to tally, I must be missing something, but I just can't see where," Louisa confessed. Normally she had no trouble with this spreadsheet, but tonight she just couldn't work out where it was going wrong.
"Would you like me to look over it for you? You're probably just tired and a fresh pair of eyes might spot the problem," Martin offered helpfully.
"Would you? If you don't mind, that'd be great, I'm fed up with looking at the wretched thing, I think my brain's turned to mush," Louisa said gratefully. Martin's meticulous nature meant that if he checked something over and said that it was fine, she knew that it was. So she happily handed the paperwork over to him.
After a few minutes scrutiny, he said,
"Look you've been counting that figure in twice, take that out and then everything balances," he showed her.
"Oh how annoying – why couldn't I see that, it's obvious! Thanks for that," Louisa told him happily.
"You're welcome. Now, come on, off to bed with you, time to get some rest," he nagged her, pleased that his help had been welcomed and appreciated.
Martin was very happy and relieved that she was about to start her maternity leave and so would be able to relax and rest more. He knew that she would no doubt still call into school most days when she took Luke to Nursery, and lectured her against getting sucked into too many things.
"It's time for you to rest now, prepare for the birth, not spend too much time at school. That's what the acting Head is for, why you've been training up ummm….your replacement," Martin pointed out, not being able to recall her name.
"Emma, you mean. Yes, I know Martin, I am going to rest, I'll only pop in if there's a query or something, that's all," she assured him.
"Hmmm," Martin replied, not convinced.
"Don't 'Hmmm' at me Martin. I'm not stupid you know, and actually I'm rather looking forward to taking it easy for a change, getting all the baby things down from the attic, sorting out the nursery, that kind of thing," she replied.
After Christmas they'd had the other bedroom decorated in very similar blue colours to the bedroom they'd used as a nursery for Luke, and had moved him into it well in advance of the new baby coming so that he was used to it. They had all their decorating done now by a retired decorator called Tony who lived in the village, he took on jobs now and again to supplement his pension. Tony was very reliable, honest as the day was long, and always worked to a high standard. He was good friends with Arthur, the old chap who looked after their garden for them. Louisa liked the fact that they were helping to support some of the other villagers by employing them around the house. Martin was just relieved that Louisa wasn't trying to do it all herself, so happily let her use them.
"Do you want me to re-decorate the nursery as well?" Tony asked.
"No, it was only done a short while ago, so I think it'll be fine," Louisa told him.
"But what if you have a little girl, the room is all blue, it's a proper little boys room," Tony pointed out.
"Well if it turns out to be a girl, then we'll have to call you back to re-decorate it, but in any case the baby will sleep in with us for the first few weeks," she informed him. Louisa was pretty sure that she was having another boy, in which case the blue décor would be fine.
She rather liked the idea of having two cheeky little boys getting into mischief together. Luke was certainly very cheeky, he had great fun 'helping' her when she sorted through all the baby things – he climbed into the Moses basket and the pram when she had them down on the floor to clean and sort out. Louisa couldn't believe now how tiny he'd been, he definitely took after Martin in his build, and was a big child for his age. She looked at the tiny vests and babygros in the newborn first size, and couldn't imagine him ever having fitted into them. She just hoped Luke would not be too put out or jealous of the new baby and was determined that they would do everything they could to make him feel happy and secure and not in any way threatened by the new arrival. That's where Martin would come in she felt, as long as he paid Luke lots of attention while she tended to the new baby, he would be happy because he adored his Daddy.
xXx
With just six weeks to go before their baby was due, Martin and Louisa sat together at her antenatal check up at the hospital. Martin listened as Charles Stewart went through all the details of Louisa's previous delivery. He was very thorough and wanted to have the full picture before advising her of the options this time around.
"I see that you were in a car accident last time just before you gave birth. Could you tell me exactly what happened?" Charles asked as he read through her notes with a frown.
"I was in a taxi travelling to my antenatal appointment here at the hospital when the driver became unwell and then lost consciousness. I tried to lean over from the back to grab the steering wheel, but I couldn't stop the car from crashing into a rock up on the moor. I couldn't phone for help because there was no signal up there, but luckily Martin came along a few minutes later," Louisa explained.
"So you were in the back of the car – were you wearing a seat belt at the time?" Charles asked.
"I had been, but then I undid it so that I could lean over to try to reach the steering wheel," Louisa told him.
"So at the moment of impact, were you thrown forward, did you collide with the seat in front of you?" he asked again, trying to ascertain from her notes if there had been any injuries caused by the crash. He was trying to work out if there was anything which could affect her labour and delivery this time - the notes were very brief.
"Yes, I was thrown against the seat in front of me," Louisa remembered the awful feeling of her bump hitting the seat in front.
"And when exactly did your waters break?"
Louisa looked over at Martin who was saying nothing at the moment, but had a pained expression on his face as he listened to the details of the crash. She knew that he was probably going to react badly to what she was going to say next. For a moment she considered telling a fib, but she didn't want to risk leaving out any information that might affect the birth of this baby. So she went ahead and replied,
"Well when I got out of the car after the crash, I checked on Tommy, the driver, but I couldn't wake him up, and then I realised that I could feel my waters starting to go…."Louisa explained.
"You never told me your waters had gone! You said….." Martin exclaimed as he realised what Louisa was saying.
"Yes Martin, I know what I said," Louisa interrupted him.
Martin remembered the terrible feeling of panic he'd experienced as he'd run up to the crashed taxi and not been able to see her, how he'd feared the worst, but then how she'd popped up from behind the car, telling him she'd been having a wee.
"But if you'd told me about your waters going, I'd have gone straight to the hospital with you, not messed about finding a pub for that selfish pig Tommy. You told me you were fine, why on earth didn't you tell me…." Martin insisted.
"Look we'll talk about all this later, now is not the time to go through all those details," Louisa told him, pleading with her eyes.
Charles sensed the potential for a nasty argument to develop, so he took control of the conversation by saying,
"Right, so it would seem a fair assessment of the facts to say that the impact of the crash caused your waters to break, thereby bringing on labour earlier than would otherwise have been the case. However it would seem that you didn't suffer any long term damage from the crash."
Martin took a deep breath to remain calm and keep a lid on his temper. He decided to wait until they were out of the office to get to the bottom of this, but he wanted some answers.
"That's correct, I was just a bit bruised and shaken up afterwards, that's all," Louisa agreed.
"But you had a very fast labour, as is sometimes the case when it has been brought on by a trauma. Therefore you gave birth before you could be taken to hospital," Charles said.
"Yes, in a pub. Luckily it was deserted, could have been a bit embarrassing otherwise. But everything turned out fine in the end, the paramedic who delivered the baby was great, and our son was born normal and healthy." Louisa said.
"Right well, I don't foresee any problems with your delivery this time around, but of course no one can predict for certain quite how things will go. I still want to keep a close eye on you, and I recommend that you make your way to hospital as soon as there are any indications that your labour has commenced as you live quite a distance away. You don't really want to give birth in a pub again, I take it?" Charles told her with a smile.
"No, but I have been wondering, do you really think I need to have this baby in hospital? I mean it is my second baby, everything was straight forward when I had Luke despite not being in hospital, and I'd have Martin looking after me. So couldn't I just book a home delivery with a midwife, then we wouldn't have to worry about getting me to hospital in time, not risk giving birth on the way. I really don't like being in hospital at all, you see," Louisa said.
Both men looked at her as if she were completely mad. Martin spoke first.
"Absolutely not Louisa! How can you even be thinking along those lines! Miles away from hospital, what if something went wrong and you needed an emergency caesarean? You were extremely lucky last time, there were no immediate complications, but that doesn't mean it'll be the same this time round. You'd be putting yourself and the baby at risk, is that really what you want? No, the only sensible option is for you to have the baby in the safety of the hospital, and to ensure that you get to the hospital in good time by letting me know as soon as you have any indications that your labour has started," Martin told her in no uncertain terms.
"I'm afraid that I have to agree with Martin on this one Louisa. There is no question that it is much safer for you to have your baby in hospital. It is by far the most sensible option," Charles said as he looked over at Martin and raised his eyebrows in an unspoken gesture of solidarity.
Seeing this look pass between the two men, for a moment it felt as if they were ganging up on her. It reminded Louisa of her conversation with Molly O'Brien the midwife about 'male doctors wanting to be in control, who think that pregnancy is a disease, they just don't understand women'. Louisa felt her hackles rise because of their smug attitude that they knew best – neither of them had ever given birth after all.
"Look, you won't need to stay in hospital very long at all if things are straight forward. We've been monitoring your iron levels very closely this time, and you are not anaemic, that was the only thing that prolonged your stay in hospital last time. But should any problems occur, believe me you'll be very grateful to be in the hospital, where there are all the facilities and experts on hand to save the life of your baby – or you," Charles told her in a conciliatory tone. He'd had years of practice dealing with highly vocal and assertive women.
Louisa sighed. Of course she didn't want to do anything to put the baby at risk, and so had to accept that this was one argument she wasn't going to win.
"Well, I shall only stay in hospital for the absolute bare minimum that I have to, I'm telling you that now," Louisa said determinedly.
"That's all we're asking, Louisa," Martin replied, relieved that she had at least accepted giving birth in hospital. For him there was no other option to even consider.
Once they'd left Charles' office, Martin turned to Louisa.
"Now can you please explain to me why on earth you didn't tell me that your waters had gone at the time of the accident? Why did you lie to me?" Martin demanded to know, furious and puzzled at her deception.
"Well if you recall, we weren't exactly on close terms at the time Martin. I assumed that we would be going to hospital with Tommy in any case, and that you would then continue on your way to London, so I thought I could get checked out then. When you said we needed to get Tommy to the nearest pub because he needed alcohol, I didn't have any contractions or anything at the time, so I still thought it would be OK, and that I could go to hospital after that."
"But I distinctly remember asking you if you were sure that you were OK, asking you to tell me if you had any pains or anything, so why didn't you say then? I would have headed straight to the hospital if you'd told me, and maybe then you wouldn't have had to give birth with no kind of pain relief, in a grubby pub." Martin was still angry and struggling to understand her secrecy.
"Don't you remember me asking what would happen to Tommy if he didn't get the alcohol he needed? You told me he could be blinded or even die, and I thought that sounded rather more urgent than me, when I had no symptoms of labour," Louisa told him angrily. At the time she'd believed that Martin had only come after them because he'd found out about Tommy's methanol poisoning, not that he'd come after her, he'd actually been on his way to London after all. Her stubborn pride had kicked in – she wasn't going to try to make him stay if he'd decided to leave, let him go to London if that's what he wanted to do, she'd thought.
"How could I make an accurate assessment to prioritise the medical situation if you didn't see fit to supply me with all the facts," Martin retorted.
"Well it's no good going over it all again now Martin. That was then, things are different now, and we can't change what happened," Louisa told him.
"OK, alright, point taken, but coming back to the present, what the hell were you thinking just now, talking about having a home birth for God's sake– are you completely mad, or just plain stupid?" Martin was still very angry, and wasn't in the mood to be try to be tactful with Louisa.
"I was just asking what was possible Martin, finding out about different options. Loads of women have home births, perfectly safely, and what about all the infections that you can pick up in hospital hmm? And it is my body you know, it is me who is going to have to go through labour and give birth. You may feel quite at home in the surrounds of a hospital but I don't, I hate them. Just the smell that hits you as you walk into any hospital makes me feel ill," Louisa told him with a shudder.
"Surely you want what's best for the baby? Putting up with a smell you don't like very much is surely a small price to pay to ensure a safe delivery with a healthy baby?" Martin told her.
"Yes, I know, that's why I've agreed to have the baby in hospital. You win, alright? So Doctor, can you just stop lecturing me now please?" Louisa told him, fed up with his attitude.
She stormed off towards the car park, leaving Martin to catch up with her. It was a very quiet drive back, and when he dropped her back at school to return to work, she didn't lean over and peck him on the cheek as she usually did, she simply got out of the car, shut the door very firmly and walked back into school without a backwards glance at him. Martin sighed as he drove off towards his surgery. He was even more bad tempered and grouchy than usual that afternoon – he hated it when things were unsettled between him and Louisa.
After a rather tense evening of not saying very much, when they were finally in bed together, Martin tried to smooth things over as best he could.
"Look I'm sorry I got angry today. It's just that I can't bear to think of you in that car accident, what could have happened, and how I very nearly lost you. And I hate the fact that you had to give birth in a grotty old pub in the middle of nowhere, when you could have been in hospital, with pain relief and everything available in case you needed it. That's what I want for you this time, the best possible care, I don't want to take any chances, there are so many things that could go wrong."
Standing outside that pub, kicking his heels, hearing her in such pain and not being able to help her, not even being allowed to be in the same room as her had been torture for Martin. It had brought to the surface all his deepest feelings for her that he'd repressed, so very nearly losing her had forced him to face the fact that he couldn't live without her. He'd found that he simply had no option but to go back in and plead with her, tell her that he'd been wrong. He could hardly bear to think what his life would be like now if he hadn't seized that moment.
"That's the trouble though Martin, you always think the worst, you worry too much. Giving birth is perfectly natural and normal, women have been doing it since time began after all," Louisa told him.
"Yes, and women have been dying giving birth since time began too," he pointed out.
"Oh for goodness sake, lets not argue any more, I've agreed to have the baby in hospital, so that's an end to it. Just don't ever treat me as if I'm stupid and haven't got a mind of my own again," Louisa warned him.
Martin bit back the reply that sprang immediately to his mind 'I won't treat you as if you're stupid if you don't act as if you're stupid' Even he realised that would just cause more arguments.
"Try and relax a bit more, stop thinking of every possible problem that could occur, it's going to be fine this time," Louisa reassured him as she cuddled up.
"It's my responsibility to prepare for every eventuality. I can't bear to think of anything happening to you Louisa. Seeing the crashed taxi, not knowing if you were alright…you have no idea how terrible that felt," Martin told her.
"Well it all turned out alright in the end, didn't it? Luke was a fine healthy boy, and even Tommy and Tasha made a full recovery thanks to you," Louisa reminded him. Tommy had had to give up his taxi business after the crash, his reputation had suffered when people heard what had happened. So now he'd opened up a little shop selling gifts and knick knacks for the tourists – a shop full of tacky rubbish as far as Martin was concerned, he had no idea why anyone would want to buy such dross.
"Thankfully yes," Martin agreed. In an effort to lighten the mood, because he really did hate arguing with Louisa, he said to her,
"Now where's my kiss?"
"What kiss?" Louisa asked him.
"The one that you didn't give me when I dropped you off at work. You always give me a kiss goodbye, and I didn't like it today when you didn't."
"Martin Ellingham! You big old softie! I didn't think you noticed things like that," Louisa told him.
"Of course I notice. I like being kissed by you. A lot actually," Martin replied.
When it was just the two of them alone together, cuddled up in bed as they were now, he felt confident enough to say things like this to her, things that he would never say in public, in front of other people.
Louisa now gently kissed first one side of his face, and then the other.
"Is that better?" she asked softly.
"Getting better," Martin told her, pulling her even closer to him as she gave him another kiss on his lips.
xXx
Going over all the events surrounding Luke's birth brought some questions to mind for Louisa. So the following morning she asked Martin,
"When Luke was born, you know, at the pub, what exactly did you mean when you burst in and said that you were wrong, about me, about leaving, about everything?" Louisa had turned this over in her mind many times, thinking she understood what he meant, but never really certain if she was right.
"You know what I meant. I didn't go to London, I changed my mind," Martin told her.
"Yes but 'wrong about me', what exactly did you mean when you said that?" Louisa persisted.
Martin sighed. He knew from experience that Louisa wouldn't rest until she got some sort of explanation from him.
"No doubt you recall that when we called our Wedding off, I said that I wouldn't make you happy, and then I said that you wouldn't make me happy either?" Martin asked her.
"Yes, of course I remember, how could I forget?" Louisa replied. She'd gone over and over those words in her mind many times when she'd been on her own in London, wondering what she should do, should she contact Martin, maybe she'd made a big mistake in leaving, then always coming to the same conclusion - it was pointless, he didn't want her, that was what he'd been saying, and he most certainly wouldn't want a baby.
"Well, I finally realised after all those months without you that you were the only thing that would make me happy. I know it took a while and nearly losing you in a car crash for me to realise, but eventually I did," Martin said.
"Right good. That's what I thought, but I needed to be sure, and now I am, so that's all cleared that up. Thanks" Louisa smiled to herself. Another little piece of the puzzle that was Martin had fallen into place for her.
xXx
Due to her increasing girth, Louisa was finding it difficult to get comfortable at night, so she wasn't sleeping very well. At least now she could put her feet up during the day if she felt tired. She tried using various specially shaped pillows, but they only helped for a short while.
When she complained of bad backache one evening, Martin instructed her to lie on the bed so that he could examine her and make sure that there was nothing more seriously wrong.
"Just lie on your side while I check your lower back. During pregnancy your ligaments become looser and softer in preparation for labour, and this puts a strain on the joints of your lower back and pelvis," Martin explained. As he felt around her back at the base of her spine, Louisa told him,
"Umm that feels rather nice, can you do that some more please?"
"Oh right, like this, does that feel better?" Martin asked as he massaged her gently, happy to do anything that eased her discomfort. He conveniently forgot how he'd sneered and been dismissive about rubbing a pregnant woman's back to the midwife that time in his surgery. He'd actually been covering up the fact that he was very frustrated at having to admit that Louisa wasn't his patient and not being allowed to be involved in her care in any way.
"Mmm, that's wonderful Martin, you really do have healing hands," Louisa murmured appreciatively. She discovered that Martin was rather good at giving massages.
So now Martin happily massaged her back for her most evenings, using some relaxing scented oil that Louisa obtained to make the experience even more pleasurable for her, it really eased her backache. Martin thought that this was an area worthy of further investigation in the future as he found it very pleasurable too.
xXx
One night in bed when she couldn't sleep again, and her mind was still very active, Louisa asked Martin,
"Do you remember that time when we drank wine together?"
"Mmm no, not really. I passed out if you recall," Martin replied as he tried to get to sleep.
"Yes, but if you hadn't passed out….." Louisa said.
"But I did," Martin said.
"Yes, but if you hadn't, I would have stayed the night with you, you know. I was pretty keen, well that is until you accused me of stalking you. What was your problem with me? I began to wonder if you had…problems, you know that you couldn't…" Louisa questioned him.
"What do you mean, that I couldn't what?" Martin wanted to know, awake now.
"That you couldn't actually….manage to….." Louisa tried to explain.
"Are you saying that you thought I was impotent?" Martin asked her, shocked.
"Well I did begin to wonder, because whenever we made a little progress in getting to know each other, you always seemed to sabotage things, so I couldn't help but wonder if it was to cover up a lack of ….ability. In my experience most men are only too keen to get you into bed if you give them the slightest encouragement," Louisa told him.
"Oh really, well I'm not 'most men', I am able to keep my head out of the gutter. So you've had to fight off hoards of other men have you?" Martin asked, hating the thought of other men trying to bed Louisa.
"Oh well, you know what it's like at college, the more you say 'no', the more of a challenge the boys see you as," Louisa said breezily, not wanting to go into any details of her long distant past. She'd had some pretty disastrous relationships over the years which had affected her confidence and made her very distrustful of men, especially ones that could charm the birds out of the trees with their flattering ways. That was what had attracted her to Martin in the first place, because he was so different – he simply didn't know how to flatter, but his brutal honesty had also caused a lot of their problems.
"So you did say no then?" Martin couldn't help asking.
"Of course I did," Louisa replied, not wanting to elaborate too much, knowing how jealous Martin could be.
"Anyhow, it was quite a relief to eventually find out that you were…adequate, shall we say, in the bedroom, that first time in my cottage," Louisa teased him.
"Adequate. Is that how you recall that night then?" Martin asked, rather hurt. He would have rated it as 'amazing', although he had never actually said as much to her.
"Well, 'adequate' is a favourite description of yours isn't it? You've never exactly been one to go overboard with praise. But I must say, it did come as rather a shock to find out just how 'adequate' you'd been when I discovered I was pregnant," Louisa told him with a wry smile on her face.
"It wasn't just me Louisa, it takes two to make a baby after all," he replied defensively. He still had echoes in his mind of his old fashioned traditional upbringing, thinking of how he'd got a girl 'in trouble' had made him feel very guilty.
"Yes, I know, but what are the odds at our ages, the first time we ever…I get pregnant, even using a condom, albeit an out of date one. You must have very determined little…" Louisa said.
"Yes well, I've always maintained a healthy diet and lifestyle, obviously with a resultant healthy sperm production it would seem. I can appreciate that finding out that you were pregnant must have been one hell of a shock for you, I just wish you'd contacted me. I wouldn't have pressurised you to have an abortion Louisa. I know that's what you assumed, and naturally I would have talked that option through with you, but I would have respected your decision, and I would have supported you if you'd just let me," Martin told her.
"I know that now, but I was rather confused at the time," Louisa replied.
"So what were you hoping for, when you came back to the village, when you came to see me?" Martin asked, curious now that Louisa had brought all this up.
"I'm not really sure, if I'm honest, but that we could at least be friends I suppose. I never expected you to be over the moon about the pregnancy because I knew a baby had never figured in any of your plans for the future," Louisa told him.
"So you weren't hoping for us to get back together then?" Martin asked, rather disappointed.
"Certainly not when I saw bloody Edith with her feet under your table, looking very much at home. I couldn't believe how quickly you'd replaced me, after all the years it took us to get together too," Louisa told him. She'd felt incredibly hurt by that.
"But I wasn't with her, she hadn't replaced you, she never could, you know that now," Martin replied.
"Well all I can say is that wasn't how it looked to me on that day, so I decided to leave you to it with Edith, I wasn't going to push in where I clearly wasn't wanted. But that's all in the past now, everything is lovely now, isn't it?" Louisa told him, happily feeling his arms around her as best he could with her very large belly.
"Yes, I'd certainly concur with that," Martin said yawning. "Now, can I get some sleep?"
xXx
Yet another time when Louisa couldn't sleep, she brought up the subject of the concert that they had been to together.
"Why did you have to spoil such a romantic evening hmmm Martin? I was even going to ask you to stay the night if you had wanted to, I was kind of testing the water, giving you a very strong hint when I pulled you into the bushes and started kissing you, but you didn't pick up on that did you? Oh no, banging on about urine like smells, just like banging on about dental hygiene the first time we kissed. All things considered it's a miracle we ever got together isn't it?"
"If you say so. I've never been very good about picking up feminine signals, I was just making perfectly logical observations, that was all. Maybe you were a touch over sensitive about things anyway. The main thing is we are together now. Look, if I don't get some sleep, I'm going to be even more bad tempered tomorrow at work than usual, and then it'll be your fault if Pauline walks out on me," Martin told her as he rolled over and tried to get to sleep. Nervous as he was about the impending birth, perhaps once the baby was here and keeping Louisa fully occupied she would stop these little episodes of raking over the past and demanding explanations for all his past misdemeanours.