BY VERY DEFINITION
8. Who You've Been
Quinn sat in the guest bedroom in the Puckerman's house. She, like everyone else in her grade, had to read Fasting, Feasting. And just like everyone else she didn't want to. Instead she looked out the window as the sky grew steadily darker.
Lately I've been spending a lot of time with Parker, and it's fun, she's actually a great person to be with. Sure, sometimes she has opinions I don't agree with, but that will happen with anyone you meet. I shouldn't complain but I miss having a lot of people. See, today Parker had a doctor's appointment after school and then Mrs. Peirson took her to dinner; meaning that I had to spend the day at the Puckermans' all by myself. Normally you'd just find someone else to hang out with, right? But if she's not around I'm stuck. Even she has other people to hang out with her! If I'm not around Parker could just call Kurt or Mercedes, they all get along well. In this horrible book I'm supposed to be reading there's this girl named Uma, she doesn't have friends. Her siblings are spoiled and she can never catch a break, she's like a slave to her parents who don't seem to give a crap about her. I don't want to feel like Uma, but sometimes I see the similarities. But so far one of my favorite parts of the book is where her cousin...well, I think it was her cousin...took her out to a restaurant. It was one of the best nights of her life, which is really pathetic of her. But she found someone who made her life just that much better for a little while. Then she comes home and her mother gets mad at her for leaving the house so late with a man even though they were related. Anyway... my point is that maybe Parker's friendship is my little fling of fun. Difference is that I'm not a sad little Indian girl, I have the ability to have more fun. Maybe if I just lowered my standards I could be happier. I could have friends again. I do like Parker...but I need just a little bit more.
The next day at Glee club Quinn took a seat in the row behind where Parker was sitting in between Kurt and Mercedes. Rachel was up front pitching some choreography ideas. Most of the club didn't know what she was talking about, but the ones with dance background were nodding thoughtfully. Eventually Matt, Mike, and Brittany were all up front helping Rachel put together new moves.
"Parker, you've had a lot of ideas, what do you think?" Mr. Schuester asked when he caught Parker not paying attention. Parker grimaced and searched her brain for dance terms.
"Umm...Jazz Hands?" She asked ruefully.
"We could do that." Mike Chang laughed, flashing Jazz Hands at Matt.
"Sorry, I've never done any dancing. That's the only thing I know." Parker said ruefully. Rachel watched Matt and Mike make Jazz Hands at each other and rolled her eyes. Since hearing Parker sing she had become less cold to the girl, though her singing was good enough to make Rachel still feel threatened she wasn't as hostile about it. That made Parker happy, she didn't like making enemies on purpose, but she also believed that creating a common enemy with other members of the club would help her ease in more smoothly, which it had.
"I'm sure you could do it." Mike Chang said, dragging her up out of her chair, "Just follow me." He made a complicated motion with his feet, when Parker attempted it, she stumbled. Mike then just moved step by step, after a few minutes Parker was able to do about 8 seconds of a routine very choppily.
"Can I stop?" She asked, with a smile.
"One more." Rachel insisted, doing the same routine and ending it in a spin. Parker followed her but tripped over her ankle on the spin. She toppled over and threw out her hands to catch herself. She managed to stay on her feet, her knees bent and she was doubled over, looking at the ground. Upon impact one of her gloves slid halfway off her arm toward her wrist. Quickly she used her other arm to drag it back up, holding on to it as she stood, looking around frantically.
"I'm done." She said quietly. Parker took her bag and walked out of the room.
"What was up with that?" Artie asked curiously. The room looked at each other, all shrugging. Except Puck, who continued to stare after Parker with new curiosity.
"Okay guys, I think that's enough for today." Mr. Schue said, clapping his hands together in dismissal. The student moved around, gathering things and talking to each other as they left the room. Quinn moved in front of Kurt and Mercedes before they could leave.
"Hey." She said breathlessly. They stared at her.
"Hi..." Kurt said cautiously, raising his eyebrows.
"Look." Quinn said, scuffing her foot on the tile, "I was wondering if you guys would like to come...shopping with me. I'm running out of clothes that will fit again and I figured you might want to help."
"You mean like a shopping spree in a maternity store?" Kurt asked. Quinn nodded, looking at the ground.
"I just...I don't want to go alone."
"Why ask us?" Mercedes demanded, "Why do you suddenly care?"
"I..." Quinn sighed, "Sure, I'm desperate, no denying. But I feel really bad about how mean I was to you before, but that seems like a lifetime ago. I'd just really like a second chance, to make it up to you." Kurt and Mercedes looked at each other. Kurt raised her eyebrows and Mercedes nodded slightly, Quinn felt hopeful. Kurt turned back to her, crossing her arms.
"Here's the deal." He said seriously, "We'll go with you to the mall to look at stretchy pants with you. You buy me a lemonade and Mercedes an ice tea. Just for today, then we'll see how this goes."
"Okay." Quinn agreed immediately. Kurt held out his hand formally, Quinn took it, she couldn't help but notice the grave look in their eyes. They make hanging out with me seem like a death sentence. She thought sadly, I'll show them.
"I hate these pants." Quinn said, holding up a shapeless pair of sweatpants.
"There's no luck for finding something you'll actually like at a maternity store." Kurt said, looking around the store.
"Suggestions, then?" She asked, folding the sweatpants up and placing them back on the shelf. Kurt studied her for a moment, Mercedes was at the front of the store where they kept the accessories.
"My suggestion for you is overlarge t-shirts." Kurt stated, "Also, leggings and skirts with elastic waistbands. Sweatshirts are always good for the pregnant look, but not anything that is too obviously stretchy because then you'll just look trashy."
"So...a plus size store?"
"That'd be a good place to start. I just think we should get out of here, everything in here makes me think of cat ladies. Shame on them for having children." Kurt closed his eyes for a moment, pained. Quinn agreed about the maternity store, they didn't have much sense in the way of style. They certainly didn't have much for a teenage mother.
"Let's go get drinks first." She suggested, already moving to the front of the store to gather Mercedes.
When they reached the juice bar and Quinn paid for the drink they all took a table near a small stage where a middle-aged couple was singing.
"Oh, Karaoke." Mercedes laughed in approval. Her eyes narrowed and she looked at Quinn, her smile spreading across her face at an alarming rate, "Hey Quinn, I'll pay you back for the tea if you go up there and sing something."
"No thanks. I don't feel like singing and the drink was part of our deal." Quinn insisted.
"But you hardly ever sing in Glee club, you should try it more often." Kurt pointed out, "You must have something on your mind that you want to let out."
"Singing is a way to express yourself." Quinn realized, saying it more to herself than to either of her companions. She looked at them, they were loosening up, but would they ever actually accept her as a part of the club? Maybe even as their friend? Quinn stood and walked onto the stage, taking up a microphone in decision. Mercedes cat-called and Quinn smiled at her as the music started.
"I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific end
You might think I'm losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it
See that line? Where I never should've crossed it
Stop right there! Where I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside
Have finally begun to create so much pressure
That I'm to blow up and
I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart
And I can't let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it
See that line? I never should've crossed it
Stop right there! I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
Stop right there! That's exactly where I lost it
See that line? Well, I never should've crossed it
Stop right there! Well, I never should've said that
It's the very moment that I wish that I could take back
I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I've been
'Cause who I've been only ever made me
So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to make sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been"
The girl put down the mic and walked off the stage with wobbly-knees, she blamed her pregnancy for making her this nervous about singing in front of people. Never mind the fact that everyone there was clapping, she had wanted her school-mates to know that she really had changed and felt bad about everything she'd done in the past. She sat down at the table and looked at them, they were both staring at her with raised eyebrows.
"I'd really like a fresh start." Quinn said by way of explanation. After another silent conference between Kurt and Mercedes, they turned back to her.
"Deal." Kurt said simply, holding out his hand. Quinn shook it, smiling.
"Hello. I'm looking for Parker?"
"Who is this?" Parker demanded the telephone receiver.
"Oh. Hi, it's Puck."
"What do you want?" Parker asked, shocked.
"Remember when we were talking the other day?" Puck asked.
"Sure..."
"Well, I've been thinking. I know that you've heard some things since you got here, and I know that you're friends with Quinn."
"What's your point?"
"My point is that I think I deserve the chance to be a good guy, and a good dad."
"Be a good person and the rest will come." Parker said flatly.
"I just want you to help me win her over. Just to give me a chance. Don't you think I deserve a chance?"
"I don't know you. I don't know what you deserve."
"I thought you were a 'give everyone a second chance' kind of person." Puck informed her.
"I don't believe in second chances. You screw up, you deal with it."
"Please, Parker? All I need is one chance." He begged. Parker brought the phone away from her ear and sighed, leaning her head against the wall. She brought the phone back up.
"Okay, I'll give you one idea. And Quinn is my friend, if you do anything wrong by her I will personally kick your ass."
"I believe you." Puck said eagerly, "What's the idea?"
That night Parker was sitting at her Piano, reading over a piano book that James brought home for her when Rhonda came downstairs. She looked around the room with a sad shadow in her eyes that left as soon as she saw Parker sitting at the Piano.
"Hey there." Rhonda said, sitting on the bench next to Parker. She looked up for a moment then looked back down, "Did you tell Dad how much you appreciate the book he got you?" Rhonda asked, Parker's head snapped back up, her eyes hard.
"I've told James how much I like it."
"He wants you to call him Dad..." Rhonda started softly.
"I know. He's think he'll be honored and it'll mean a lot to him. And it's supposed to mean a lot to me, too. But it means something different for me, I can't imagine calling anyone Mom or Dad. Those words, they mean...they don't mean someone I care about or depend on. It doesn't mean anything, okay? So just...stop." Parker sank back into her book. Rhonda blinked a few times, taken aback. She sat there for several minutes, watching Parker try to ignore her.
"How was school?" She asked finally.
"It was okay. I fell down." Her foster-daughter answered, reflexively putting a hand on her glove.
"Why?" Rhonda asked, getting no reply. She stood, preparing to leave, and Parker looked up again.
"I was dancing." She said. Rhonda turned and looked at her, wondering why she withheld it, then wondering why she decided to share. "Hey, Rhonda." Parker started awkwardly, rubbing her arm. Rhonda sat back down on the Piano bench. "I was wondering...could you teach me how to dance? Everyone else in the club can dance, and they dance well. I tried doing a simple thing and I fell in front of everyone. You're a good dancer, I was thinking maybe you could help."
"I think you should ask one of your Glee friends." Rhonda said sharply, standing so quickly Parker was surprised the older woman didn't trip over the bench legs.
"But you're better, I want you to teach me."
"No. No, Parker. I can't, you don't want me to. I haven't danced in ages and I wouldn't do you a lot of good." She moved back toward the stairs, Parker stood and took a few steps after her, stopping a few feet away from the piano.
"Please, Rhonda." She begged, "You can't keep away from it. I know that you got hurt, and lost your passion for dancing. But it's the past and you've got to leave it behind if you ever want to move forward. I know that's hard. Believe me, I know. But I'm learning to move on, too. I know that things that used to happen don't affect me anymore, you're healed and nothing can affect your dancing anymore but you're too scared to try. Is it worth giving up something that might make you happy just because there's a possibility you might get sad first? Or that it reminds you of sadness? I remind you of pain, I know I do. But I'm still here. Was it worth it? If it was, what makes you think this won't be too?"
Rhonda sighed, "Only in the basement. And we'll just try. No promises. And if I'm trying to be happy during pain, so are you. If I teach you to dance you don't wear those gloves around the house anymore. Maybe someday you'll take them off completely. But that's my deal, take it or leave it." She stood with one foot on the stairs, facing away from the girl by the piano.
"Deal." Parker agreed. Rhonda nodded and went up the stairs without looking back.
Song: Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Reliant K.
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