"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, the contestants were taken to the front of the fortress, where each one was expected to pick a treasure that fit them the best. The decision was tricky, but somehow, they all managed to break off into teams that everyone loves. Well, almost everyone. But even though the teams are just getting to know each other, one team will have to say goodbye today. Find out who it will be on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.
The Sesquipedalian Brains walked up to the gate and opened it. "Hey!" Harold said, "Sweet!" Everybody walked inside the fortress. Chris led them to a chamber in the west wing. "This is the elimination chamber, where you take the Trap of Shame, if you don't receive one of these bags of pyrite. Voting works exactly how it did in season one; for those of you who weren't there that was…"
"A simple ballot box with occasional spoken votes," Sierra said, "I know all this already."
"Thank you for considering my existence, Sierra," Alejandro said flatly. They turned to see another familiar face in the room.
"There y'all are!" Chef Hatchet shouted, "I've been wondering what was taking so long."
"Oh, don't worry, Chef," Chris said, "We just had a little challenge outside."
"And you didn't invite me? That hardly seems fair!" Chef said, crossing his arms and looking angry.
"Why do you always do this in front of the kids?" Chris asked through gritted teeth. Chef turned away. Chris nervously chuckled, cleared his throat and said, "Come on, explorers, let's get ready for the first team challenge of the season. I call this challenge Simon Says."
"Wow," Duncan said, "Sounds really challenging!"
"It is. Believe me," Chris said, "Each team will be given one of these boards." He handed out the boards to each team.
"These boards all look qualitatively different," Harold began, "For instance our board has six times as many colored buttons as the Delicate Beauties'."
"Oh, yeah," Chris said, "I meant to tell you all that your teams condemn you to various disadvantages in most challenges. For example, in this one, you guys have the most buttons, the Hash Browns…" As Chris said this the Harsh Brawns all stood with their eyes narrowed, and Duncan and Eva had gritted teeth as well, "have a large board with far apart buttons; the Delicate Beauties have colors that are practically identical to each other, but not, and instead of the mere buzz you all should hear when you get one wrong, the Valiant Braves get shocked!"
"Oh boy!" Izzy shouted, causing Bridgette and Tyler but not Owen or Lindsay to give her a weird look.
"So what you have to do is stay in the game the longest. Once you get one wrong, you are out, and the next person on your team has to play. Last team standing wins the challenge. First team gone faces elimination."
"Oh, don't worry, we're gonna do swell, eh?" Ezekiel said, causing all of his teammates to flinch nervously.
(In the confessional, Eva said, "I can't believe I've been off the set for so long and when I finally get back I have to be on a team with HIM! AGAIN! Oh, well, I guess the bright side is that I won't get voted off my team first.")
(In the confessional, Ezekiel said, "I think Eva might be into me. She likes guys who complain, right? Maybe I should complain about how all my team is a bunch of jerks! That'll get her to fall for me.")
"Who goes first?" Harold asks, "I volunteer myself."
"Then what was the point of asking the question?" Noah asked exasperatedly.
"I was just trying to be polite!" Harold said, "But seriously, I'll go first."
(In the confessional, Harold said, "I'm really good at Simon. When I was a kid, I got the regional champion at the Simon tournament. Believe it. It exists.")
"Then I will go second," Courtney volunteered.
"Fine," Cody said, "I'll take third."
"I'll go fourth!" Beth offered.
"Then I guess I'll go last, assuming we actually do that horribly," Noah said, shrugging.
"Alright, everyone," Alejandro said, "We're going to go like so: me, Heather, Duncan, Eva, Ezekiel. Any questions?"
"Yeah," Eva asked, "Who died and made you king of the universe?"
"Patience, Eva," Alejandro said, stroking her cheek seductively causing her to gnash her teeth and her eyes to bulge out. "This plan will work."
"Alejandro, you're a jerk," Ezekiel shouted, "All of you are jerks, eh?"
"YOU stay out of this, homeschool," Eva said, crossing her arms.
(In the confessional, Eva said, "The NERVE! He touched me! Without my okay! I can't believe I'm stuck on a team with TWO misogynists! ERRRGGH!")
Trent offered Gwen the chance to go first. She blushed. "Oh, no, don't worry about me, Trent," she said, "I can go after you."
"But Gwen," Trent said, "You're the best person on our team."
"Mmm-hmm," LeShawna said, smiling in their general direction, "You sure are."
"There's no need to fight!" Sierra said. "We can draw straws!"
"Uh?" DJ asked, "Who's got straws?"
"I do," Sierra said, pulling some straws out of her pocket. Each person grabbed a straw. Trent got the short one.
"I guess you're going first," Gwen said, smiling.
"I guess so," Trent said, and then he laughed nervously, putting his hand behind his head. Gwen and Trent laughed together.
(In the confessional, Sierra said, "I can't believe my eyes! Is Gwent back? Either way, it's good for me because Cody is still available! Oh, how great!")
"Hmm? Who should go first?" Owen asked.
"Ooh! Pick me!" Izzy shouted, raising her hand wildly.
"No, pick me!" Tyler said, "I'm a terrific athlete!"
"We're not playing sports, Tyler," Bridgette gently reminded him.
"Oh, uh… right!" he said.
Izzy cleared her throat loudly and then said, "I said, 'ooh pick me'," emphasizing every single word in the quote.
"Okay, Izzy, you're going first!" Owen said.
(In the confessional, Izzy said, "I used to play this game all the time in therapy. The doctors said that my devotion to it was 'troubling'. But I thought, wow, that's awesome!")
"Alright, explorers! Are you ready for the challenge?" Chris asked. "Well, if not, too bad, because it's starting!"
Each board began to blink a pattern of colors. At first it was only three but then it moved on to four, five, and six. The first person to screw up was Trent. A buzz was heard, and he handed the board to Gwen.
"Out people, get over there," Chris said, pointing to his right with his thumb. Trent walked over to the area and fell down a trap door.
"Trent!" Gwen asked, worried.
"Worry not," Chris said, "I guess I forgot to tell you, losers fall down a trap door. But don't worry; they're all okay. If they weren't I'd get sued!"
(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Gwen seemed pretty worried about Trent. Too worried if you know what I mean.")
The boards continued to change, when Alejandro screwed up. "Oops," he said, "I guess I wasn't infallible. Luckily, I know, you will be, Heather." He handed the board to her and she blushed. She stood aside from Gwen.
"So, for once we're on different teams, my admirable adversary," Gwen said, to Heather, emphasizing the word "admirable" ironically. Heather picked up on that and grumbled. "Too bad I'm going to kick your butt at this."
"Oh, really?" Heather asked, narrowing her eyes.
"Yeah, really," Gwen said, smiling smugly.
A buzz was heard from Heather's board. "Wha-what? You cheated!" she accused Gwen.
"It's not cheating," Gwen said, "It's only playing the game." Hearing this sort of ironic echo made Heather quite embarrassed, and she walked off the set and fell down the trap door after handing the board to Duncan.
(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "When Heather fell down on top of me, my heart raced! But when I thought about its meaning, my heart sank.")
"Wow, Harold," Cody said, "Keep it up!"
"Thanks," Harold said, continuing to press the buttons with perfect precision.
"Go, Izzy!" Owen said. "Izzy! Izzy! Izzy!" He expected Lindsay, Tyler, and Bridgette to join in, but they didn't.
"You're going down, Nerd Herd!" Izzy said, and then she turned to Noah and said, "No offense."
"None taken, Freak Brigade!" Noah called back.
Duncan asked Gwen, "Hey, are you and Trent… you know… a…?"
"Umm," Gwen said, blushing, "I… I don't know what you mean."
"It's cool if you are, Gwen," Duncan said, "You just have to tell me first."
"Yeah," Courtney shouted at him, "We all know how good you are at that."
This distracted Duncan enough to fall out of the competition. "Alright, Eva, you've got this," Duncan said, tagging her.
"We're hosed," she said.
"Nonsense," Ezekiel said, "If you fail we've always got me, eh?"
"Exactly," she said, exasperatedly.
"We shouldn't pay attention to the jerks who just lost," Ezekiel said, "After all, our team is full of jerks and I really can't stand it."
"Ezekiel, shut up," Eva said, trying not to lose her temper, "It's really rather irritating."
"So, Eva…" Gwen said.
"Shut up, Gwen," Eva said, "I'm trying to concentrate."
"Suit yourself," Gwen said.
"Eva!" Izzy shouted, "En garde! I always wanted to say that while playing Simon with my feet." She was revealed to be doing exactly that.
"Izzy, please don't distract me," Eva said, "We're hosed enough as it is!"
"Oh, poo," Izzy said, "You really are a Negative Nelly."
"Don't. You. Dare," Noah said to Harold, narrowing his eyes.
"What? Hey, Eva! Having fun? I really enjoy this kind of game!" A buzz was heard from Eva's board. Her eyes averted to the general direction of Harold.
"You idiot!" Eva shouted, and then she started chasing after Harold.
"Wait, Eva! You forgot to give me my board, eh!" Ezekiel said, snagging the board from her before she fell down the trap door unwillingly.
Harold running from Eva caused him to lose. Noah was not even slightly amused. "Oh, I guess that's what you were trying to warn me against. Sorry, bro," Harold said, looking sheepish.
"I am not your 'bro'," Noah said, madly, just before the trap door opened under Harold. "Now we have to rely on," he deeply sighed, "Courtney."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" Courtney asked, "I happen to be very good at this."
"Better than Izzy?" Noah asked incredulously, as the redhead continued to hit every color every time correctly.
"Yeah, go Izzy!" Owen shouted. "Join in, guys!" Tyler and Lindsay joined in, but Bridgette did not.
(In the confessional, Bridgette said, "After seeing what happened to Eva, I don't know if excessive cheering is really going to help Izzy. Maybe it'll make her fail.")
"Bring it on, ladies!" Izzy said, "I'm going to wipe the floor with you!"
"Oh, oh no," Courtney muttered when she saw that she was outmatched.
"Can't keep up anymore," Gwen said, as the buzz was heard, "It's up to you now LeShawna." She handed over the board.
"Are you kidding me?" LeShawna asked, her eyes widening, "I have to fight her?"
Izzy continued to press every single button right every single time, and by this point the pattern had gotten so long and convoluted that the following conversation happened over the string of a single repetition.
"You know, Izzy," Ezekiel began, "The only reason that my team is losing is karma for all the jerks."
"That's great, Zeke!" she said, continuing to hit the buttons. "But don't you have a pattern to follow?"
Ezekiel then realized that he had forgotten to push the buttons and the buzz was heard. "Whuh-oh," he said, as he fell into the trap.
"And the winners are the Valiant Braves!" Chris shouted.
"Oh, boy, sweet!" Izzy said, "Permission to get one wrong!"
"Izzy, NO!" Owen shouted, but it was too late. She had pressed the wrong button and ended up shocking herself. Her hair stood straight up and she was dizzy. "Izzy, are you okay?" Owen asked.
"I'm…I'm…" Izzy said, her eyes trying to focus, "That was amazing. I want to do it again."
Tyler held her back, saying, "No."
"Party pooper," she muttered.
"Izzy, here is the key to the next layer," Chris said, handing her the key, which shocked her again with static electricity. "You've earned the right to open it. Now, Harsh Brawns, meet me in the elimination chamber."
Ezekiel said to Eva, "What do you say you and I vote off one of these jerks? Like Alejandro, for example. He's such a jerk."
"Yeah," Eva said, "I plan to vote him off, just as soon as I take care of some other business."
"Wait, what other business?" Ezekiel asked, clueless. Then he smiled and said, "Oh, I gotcha. You want to vote off Heather, don't you?"
"…Something like that," Eva said, and then she walked away from him, annoyed.
The votes were cast, and Chris collected them. "Alright, Harsh Brawns. Lackluster performance today. So one of you is going home. These bags of pyrite go to… Duncan, Eva, Heather, and… Alejandro."
"Yes," Alejandro said, receiving his symbol of safety.
"Wh-what? No!" Ezekiel said, "There must be some sort of misunderstanding!"
"Really," Chris said flatly, "You're going to try that again? Face it, Zeke, you kind of suck."
"NO!" he protested, "I don't suck! I don't!" The trap door was opened, and he screamed as he fell.
"Now that the Hash Browns," Chris began.
"HARSH BRAWNS!" Heather shouted angrily.
"Now that the Hash Browns are an all bully team, is doom spelled for the Sasquatch Pedal-In Brains?"
"Yes!" Duncan shouted.
"No!" Eva corrected.
"Will Izzy be okay? Will anyone on the Delicate Beauties do anything interesting? Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"