"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to literally explore the fortress, with some help which may or may not have actually been helpful. Some people, like DJ and Tyler, fell down on the job. The Beauties got to continue their winning streak, but the Brains had to lose Courtney. Or should I say, got to lose Courtney? Who will have to end their journey today? Find out on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.
"You should open the door, big guy," LeShawna said to DJ, "You did get the key after all."
"Yeah," DJ said, smiling, "I guess I did." DJ used the key to open the door, and his team walked inside, him followed by LeShawna, Sierra, and Gwen and Trent together. The Harsh Brawns followed them in, then the Valiant Braves, and finally the Sesquipedalian Brains.
"Okay," Chris said, "Today, you have to fight a tournament."
"A karate tournament?" Harold asked.
"Anything. Goes," Chris responded, "Now, here's how it will work. This will be a team match with two rounds. The first round decides who will fight for the key and who will fight for safety from elimination. The second round will give one of the first group the key, and the one who loses the second group has to eliminate someone."
"Alright," Duncan said, "This is our turf. You're going down, Brains!"
"Yeah, you wish, Duncan," Harold responded.
"Now, in the interest of not getting ties," Chris said, "One member of each team is going to have to offer not to fight. In the case of the Beauties, since you have an extra person, you will have to have two people offer not to fight."
"I w…" DJ began, but LeShawna cut him off.
"Ahem, Gwen and Trent are willing to sit this one out," she said. Gwen blushed, and Trent smiled.
(In the confessional, Gwen said, "If I didn't know any better, I'd say LeShawna was playing Cupid with me and Trent.")
(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Girl needs to learn who really loves her again. That's all I'm trying to do.")
"Okay, I vote Lindsay!" Izzy shouted, "She's too pretty to fight."
"Well in that case, how about you sit out, Izzy?" Owen asked romantically.
"Owen," Tyler responded, "She's our best fighter. She can't sit out."
"Oh…" Owen said, "I guess you're right."
"Okay," Lindsay said, "I'll sit out!"
(In the confessional, Tyler sighed in relief. He said, "Thank goodness Lindsay doesn't have to fight. I wouldn't be happy if she did.")
Alejandro, Eva, and Duncan all said in unison, "Heather."
"Fine," she said, looking indignant, "Be that way."
Harold, Cody, and Beth looked expectantly at Noah for a few seconds. He did not respond until he noticed them doing so. He said, "Not this time, guys. This time it's personal," glaring at Alejandro.
"Oh," Beth said, shrugging, "Then I guess I won't fight."
"So," Chris said, "The first matchups are Brawns vs. Braves and Brains vs. Beauties. Choose your opponent carefully."
"Eva should fight Izzy; that way no man will have to hit a girl," Alejandro said.
"Okay," Eva said, "I'll fight Izzy, but not because of that."
"I'll take Owen," Alejandro offered.
"Okay," Duncan said, shrugging, "I guess I get to fight Tyler."
Noah whispered to Cody, "Pick Sierra."
"What?" Cody asked, stunned.
"Just do it!" Noah responded.
"Okay, I pick Sierra," Cody said, still perplexed.
Sierra looked alarmed. "I have to fight… Cody? Well, I guess that's what he wants."
"I'll fight DJ," Noah offered.
"Aw, but that leaves me with LeShawna," Harold said.
"It's okay," Noah responded. "I'm sure she won't kick your butt that severely."
(In the confessional, Harold said, "I know Noah means well, but someone as closed off as he is can't understand love the way I do.")
"Okay," Chris announced, "Ready? Ref Hatchet?"
"Alright, there are no rules so I'm basically just here to judge matches," Chef Hatchet said, and then he blew the whistle he was wearing. "Round 1 Begin!"
"Hey, Eva!" Izzy shouted, "Wanna tussle?"
"You know it," Eva responded, as she continued to aim fists at Izzy but miss, because the latter narrowly dodged it.
"Can't hit me," she said, slipping between Eva's legs causing her to look downward. Soon, Izzy was on the other side of Eva entirely. "Can't hit me!"
"How'd you get behind me?" Eva asked.
"Shh! It's a secret," Izzy responded. Then, she leapt about six feet into the air, and aimed her foot directly at Eva's bosom.
"Oh, no," Noah said from the sidelines, covering his face in frustration.
Izzy struck there, which caused Eva to keel over in pain, remarking, "Why did it have to be there? You fight dirty, Izzy." Gwen and Lindsay winced sympathetically.
Heather commented from the bench, "You can't let this little blow keep you down! What are you, a boy?" Eva glared at her.
"No," she responded, "If I was being struck here would be no big deal!"
"So uh…" Izzy asked, "Does that mean I win?"
"Yeah, whatever," Eva responded. "Just don't do that again."
(In the confessional, Eva said, "One weak point. ONE! And she went for it. Like that." Eva snapped while saying the last sentence.)
"Sierra?" Cody asked, "Are you ready to fight me?"
"Not even," Sierra said. "I'm not going to fight." She stuck her nose in the air.
"Umm," Cody said, "Okay…"
"Someone's gotta make a blow!" Chef Hatchet shouted, "Otherwise the fight won't end."
"Okay," Cody said, as he hit Sierra. Sierra looked crushed.
"Cody, I can't believe you'd hit your girlfriend like that!" Sierra shouted.
"You are not my girlfriend!" he said, knocking her down.
"Oh boy," she said, "I guess Cody wins!"
"I… win?" Cody asked, cocking his head in confusion.
"You're welcome," Noah said, smiling.
(In the confessional, Cody said, "Noah's killing with the strategy this year. It's almost like he's trying to impress someone." Cody laughed. "That's a funny thought. Noah trying to impress someone.")
"Round 1 Match 2 Begin!" Chef Hatchet shouted.
"Um…" Duncan said, "Tyler, listen, I don't really know if we should…"
"I'm going to get you, Duncan!" Tyler said, rushing over to him. Duncan picked him up by the head and threw him on the ground with little to no effort. Tyler grunted in pain.
Lindsay gasped, "Tyler?"
"I'm okay, Lindsay," Tyler said. Lindsay grinned and squealed when that was revealed to be true.
"Aww," Gwen said, "She really loves him."
"And he really loves her," Trent said. "But maybe… there's someone else who really loves someone."
(In the confessional, LeShawna said, "Some magic's gonna happen soon. I can see it now.")
"Okay, listen, DJ, you don't like violence and I don't like doing pointless things, so let's get down to business," Noah said.
"Okay?" DJ asked, confusedly.
"First one to get a strike in wins by default," Noah said, pointing to him.
"Deal!" DJ said, smiling. Noah attempted to whack DJ in the back, but missed, and tripped. DJ looked alarmed, and then slapped Noah's face once when he realized the latter was uninjured.
(In the confessional, DJ said, "That battle… it was the best deal I ever made. I just wish people would fight like that in real life…")
"Round 1 Match 3 Begin!" Chef Hatchet shouted.
"They call me Stonewall Owen," Owen said, as he held his ground. "None shall pass."
"Okay, let's just see about that," Alejandro said, as he began to charge, shoulder-first into Owen's stomach. This sent him flying to the other side of the ring, where he became quite dizzy.
"Al? You going to come back? Al?" Owen asked.
"Dios mio," Alejandro said breathily.
"Owen wins!" Chef Hatchet judged. "Round 1 Victory goes to the Valiant Braves!"
(In the confessional, Owen said, "The funny thing about winning that fight is… I don't remember fighting at all.")
"Sweetie," LeShawna said, "I don't want to fight you."
"I know," Harold said, "You're afraid that I'll flummox you with my mad skills. But don't worry, because I would never do that to my girlfriend. I'll go easy on you."
LeShawna became angry. "Easy on me? I'll show you how easy I want you to go on me!" LeShawna knocked Harold over, and was about to hit him in the face when he cried out for mercy. "I'm sorry," LeShawna said, "I guess I got a little carried away."
(In the confessional, Trent said, "A little? She got a little carried away? I was worried she would seriously hurt him.")
"LeShawna wins!" Chef Hatchet judged, "Round 1 Victory goes to the Delicate Beauties."
"You know what that means," Chris said, "The Braves and Beauties will be fighting for the key; and the Brawns and Brains will be fighting for safety."
"Oh, great," Noah said, "Last place again."
"We haven't lost yet!" Harold argued.
"Can you see this going any other way? Really?" Noah asked.
"We just have to believe!" Harold said, "I'm fighting Duncan."
"Alejandro's mine," Noah said.
"Then I guess I'll fight Eva because… she's left," Cody said, shrugging.
"I'll fight Izzy," Sierra offered, "I don't want you ladies getting hurt."
DJ looked slightly disappointed at being called such. "I'll fight Owen."
(In the confessional, DJ said, "Owen seemed like a good choice. After all, he doesn't like fighting either.")
LeShawna said, "Well, then I guess that leaves Tyler for me. Sorry, Tyler."
"Round 2 Begin!" Chef Hatchet shouted.
Sierra and Izzy were placed in the center of the ring. Izzy tried her dodging tactics against Sierra, but they did not work for long, because before she knew it, Sierra had kicked her in the butt. "Ow!" she said, not very annoyed.
Unfortunately, for Izzy, Sierra's kicks amplified, and she was kicked right out of the ring into the space between Gwen and Trent. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to break up your moment," she said, and then she got out of the way. Gwen and Trent looked at each other, both blushing.
"I'm going to completely and utterly cream you," Duncan said, "There's no way you can beat me."
Harold practiced some of his martial arts moves and said, "Try me." He beckoned Duncan with his hand. Duncan was about to place a solid punch on Harold, when Gwen's voice broke the silence.
"Duncan!" she shouted. He turned to see her holding Trent's hand. "Yes! Yes we are!"
Duncan's eyes widened, and he did not move. Harold chopped the back of his neck, causing him to fall over. Quickly, he stood on top of his conquest.
"Thanks for telling me," Duncan said, somewhat sarcastically.
(In the confessional, Duncan said, "Thanks a heap! Now I lost to Harold! I couldn't be more humiliated.")
"I don't want to fight you," DJ said.
"That's okay," Owen responded, "I don't want to fight you either."
"Maybe we can just do what I did with Noah," DJ said, "First one to get a strike in wins."
"Alright! Sounds good," Owen said, and then he and DJ tried fighting for the strike. Unfortunately, Owen lost his balance and landed on top of DJ.
"Ow," DJ murmured.
"Sorry," Owen apologized.
"Go Tyler!" Lindsay cheered from the bench.
"Go LeShawna!" Gwen cheered from the bench.
"Thanks, girl," LeShawna said, "But I think he needs more help than I do."
Tyler, feeling that his masculinity had just been insulted, asked her, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Hon," she said, "Duncan beat you. Harold beat Duncan. I beat Harold."
"But no!" Tyler shouted, "Maybe it's a square!" He attacked her, but fell over.
LeShawna just looked on pityingly. "I think I'll just kick him once and call it a game," she said.
"The winners are the Delicate Beauties!" Chef Hatchet announced. Gwen and Trent kissed in celebration. LeShawna did a victory dance, although it seemed to be more about Gwen and Trent than winning.
"Now," Chris said, "Who's going to have to eliminate someone? Let's find out."
"Alejandro," Noah said, breathing heavily, "I have been sacrificed for your sins. But I'm not happy about it. I'm not pleased with you at all."
"Go on," Alejandro said, "Please."
"You are so getting a beating!" Noah exclaimed. He charged at Alejandro and full force and head-butted him in the gut. Alejandro keeled over briefly. Noah stood on his tiptoes, so he could pretend to be taller than Alejandro, and then started slapping him in the face. Alejandro put a stop to this quickly.
He grabbed Noah by the ankles. "You're in over your head, featherweight," he said. As if Noah were a javelin, Alejandro threw him clear across the room. He smacked into the wall head first and passed out.
"Noah!" Owen cried out in horror.
"Noah?" Cody asked concernedly, checking his pulse, and sighing in relief when it was still there.
Duncan said, "Harsh," with eyes wide open.
Alejandro brushed off his hands. "He had it coming."
Eva could barely move. She managed to move her mouth. "He… had it coming? You knocked him out. He could have cracked his head open! He could have suffered permanent brain damage. Maybe he did!"
Cody had given Noah to Owen to look out for while he prepared for the match. Owen was rocking Noah like a baby and crying, while Izzy was rubbing his head sympathetically. "Umm," Cody said, "Eva are you going to kick my butt anytime soon?"
"No," Eva said, "This is just ridiculous." Some of her motion returned. "One innocent person being put in life-threatening danger is enough!" She began to approach Alejandro. "You… I'm going to kill you! You morally corrupt serpent. You're going to die today! You hear me?" She calmed down briefly and then said, "Cody, hit me."
"Umm," Cody said, "Okay," and then hit her once across the shoulder.
"One blow in, you can win," Eva said, "Now I have to take care of unfinished business. Oh right, you're evil incarnate and I'm going to send you back to the place you belong!" She started trying to clobber him.
"Help! She's a monster!" Alejandro said, trying to avoid the blows.
"You're the monster!"
"Okay, the Sesquipedalian Brains are safe from elimination!" Chris shouted.
"It's Sesquipedalian!" Beth shouted. Then she thought for a second and said, "Oh, wait, that's what you said."
"But the Harsh Brawns have to get rid of somebody," Chris said. "Meet me in elimination."
The Harsh Brawns cast the votes and met Chris in the room. "Okay, let's see, you had good reasons to vote off everyone except Heather. I know, I don't quite believe it myself. Duncan, you got beat by a nerd. Ouch. Alejandro, you may have stretched the limit of 'no rules'; I'm not saying I would vote you off but who could say what these losers think. And Eva, throwing a challenge for a man. Wow, just wow. At the end of the day, only three of you get bags of pyrite. And you three are Heather, Duncan, and…Alejandro. Goodbye, Eva."
"Fine," Eva said, "Fine! Eliminate me! My departure is only the beginning. You're dead, Alejandro, you hear? Dead!" Chris opened the Trap of Shame as Eva shouted, "I have a POSSE!"
In another room, the Sesquipedalian Brains were sitting. Noah was just waking up. Beth said slowly, enunciating each word, "Hey, Noah, how are you feeling?"
"Only slightly less than adequate, thank you," he responded. "We must be late for the elimination ceremony."
"Uh, Noah, we came in third place," Cody corrected. "Eva got voted off defending your honor."
"Aw, man," Noah whined quietly, "She was the only person on that team I tolerated. Listen, in the case we and Alejandro all make it to the merge, can I trust you guys to help me vote him off?"
"I'm behind you all the way, buddy," Cody responded, smiling.
"If Duncan got voted off already," Harold said.
"Very reassuring," Noah said sarcastically.
"Yep," Beth said, "He's fine, alright."
"And where do you stand on this, Beth?" Noah asked.
"Well, I don't know," Beth said, "It seems like a pretty dubious deal to begin with. I mean, what's the chance that Alejandro and all of us will make it to the merge anyway?"
"We have to take that chance and make that pact," Cody said, "He's dangerous."
"Hmm…" Beth contemplated.
"Oh, boy," Chris said, "An alliance this early on? Man, those Brains think of everything so quickly! Will the Delicate Beauties continue their winning streak? Will Noah's alliance go up in flames? Will Alejandro die?—Personally, I hope not! He causes so much drama! Find out next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"