"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to build giant dioramas to be judged by Chef and me. There were some pretty good contenders for looks, but most of them had pretty crappy meanings. Except of course for the one that talked about how awesome I am. New favorite team? I think so! The Brains won the challenge and got the prize: delicious, cheesy pizza. But today, someone will not be so lucky. Find out who on Total. Drama. Fortress!" Chris introduced the show.
The Sesquipedalian Brains had no trouble deciding who would open the door. Cody handed the key to Noah and said, "Your strategy was brilliant. Again!" He winked, smiled, and gave a thumbs-up.
"Please," Noah said, "Isn't it more important to praise something that isn't constant?"
"Like the fact that we won?" Harold asked.
"More like the fact that you aren't being annoying," Noah responded. Harold looked upset.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "Noah… well, I mean, he thinks that just because he's smarter than I am, that's an excuse to insult me! Doesn't he remember how thoroughly I owned him in the first season?")
The Sesquipedalian Brains walked into the room, followed by the Valiant Braves, the Harsh Brawns, and the Delicate Beauties. Owen rubbed his belly, and then said, "Oh, man, that pizza was some good eatsa."
"I'm glad you got to have some, big guy," Izzy responded.
"Like," Lindsay began, "I'm sad because I didn't get any."
"It's okay, Lindsay," Izzy responded, "We have plenty of time! Braves, onward!"
Duncan smiled at Gwen. Gwen turned her head. Cody looked in their general direction, and then mumbled, "Stupid criminal…"
"Why don't you go punch him?" Noah asked.
"Umm… because that was… umm, well," Cody began, not sure how to answer, "Do you want me to punch him?"
"I don't care," Noah said, "But if you want to, you should."
Heather whispered to Alejandro, "Duncan's looking at Gwen again."
"I know, dear Heather," Alejandro responded, "If we lose, we know exactly who to blame."
Duncan said, "Hey, don't sweat it, Gwen, I'll help you."
"Leave," she said, coldly.
"Well, I don't know what's gotten into you," he said, taking her hand, "You used to be so sweet to me."
"Did you not hear what she just said?" LeShawna asked, "She told you to leave."
"Well, fine then," Duncan said.
(In the confessional, Gwen said, "What's gotten into me? Well, I mean, getting back together with Trent reminded me just how much of a jerk Duncan is. I just… I just wish he'd stop already. I never saw myself as that hot, but for some reason all the guys want to stalk me!")
"Hey, explorers!" Chris greeted. "I didn't remember to tell you guys that the fortress was haunted."
"Haunted?" DJ exclaimed, and then jumped backwards into LeShawna's arms. LeShawna's legs shook and she fell to the ground.
"Yes," Chris answered in deadpan, "This place is haunted."
"I think…" Duncan began.
"And the ghost is really attracted to sarcastic, derisive, or insulting comments about him," Chris continued.
"I wonder why," Gwen said.
Chris was not amused.
"I bet it's because he's such an easy target," Noah responded.
Chris cleared his throat and then asked, "Are you quite finished?"
"Finished?" Duncan asked, "We're just getting started!"
"Valiant Braves, are you guys going to join in the 'fun?'" Chris said, still frowning.
"No, we're good," Izzy said, "Noah and the others are doing such a good job without us." Then she said, "Oh, wait, that was one, wasn't it?" She stared at the camera, and started saying, "Beep. Beep. Beep."
"Oh no!" Owen shouted, "Izzy's going to explode!"
"I bet it's because the ghost possessed her," Gwen said in a mock-frightened tone.
"What ghost? You mean Chef in a sheet?" Noah asked.
"Who told you? I mean… no, the ghost is a very real, and very dead ghost, and is most certainly not Chef in a sheet," Chris said, "Beware!"
"Okay…" DJ said, very seriously, prompting his teammates to both give him a weird look.
"Now, in order to win, you must fight the ghost off. If he captures you, you are out," Chris said.
"And if you capture him you are out," Noah said, clearing his throat harshly.
Chris averted his eyes and said, "No, don't listen to the persnickety little liar. If you fend him off, you win!"
"We've got this in the bag," Izzy shouted. "Come on, Owen! Lindsay! Let's own this!"
"Like, yeah!" Lindsay responded.
"Whatever you say, Izzy," Owen said.
(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Well, I mean duh. We're the Braves. Of course we're not scared of some silly ghost.")
Gwen and LeShawna walked through the hallway nonchalantly. DJ followed, and then he asked, "Ladies, are you sure we're going to have to fight against the g-g-ghost?"
"It's not a real ghost," LeShawna said, "Do you believe in ghosts, DJ?"
"Well," DJ said, "When I was six, there was a ghost in the house. It threw the pots and pans all over the ground in the night."
"Umm, DJ, are you sure that wasn't an animal?" Gwen asked, looking confused.
"Yeah," DJ said, "Because I saw it with my own two eyes. My momma said it was a dream. Maybe it was. But I don't want to take any chances."
"Well, you don't have to worry today, DJ. The ghost is just Chef in a sheet!" Gwen said, shrieking the last word because she felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and then saw Duncan. "What the? Duncan! You scared the crap out of me!"
"Sorry," he shrugged.
"Shouldn't you be helping your team?" Gwen asked.
Duncan shrugged, and then he said, "Eh, they can do this by themselves."
"So can we," Gwen responded.
"Really?" Duncan asked, looking at the trembling DJ.
LeShawna said, "He'll snap out of it soon." DJ continued to tremble. From around the corner, Heather and Alejandro poked their heads in.
Heather gasped, and then whispered, "Alejandro! Look! There's the traitor in action. He's going to make us lose for sure!"
"Worry not, Heather" Alejandro whispered, "For I… have a plan!"
"What is your master plan?" Heather asked.
He grabbed an end of her hair and pulled it hard, causing her to cry out. "What the heck?" she whispered harshly.
"Stay here," Alejandro commanded quietly, and then he ran into another room, and started pretending to cry. He looked up, waiting for Duncan, and began tapping his foot, and then continued pretending to cry.
(In the confessional, Alejandro said, "I thought that even Duncan would be gentlemanly enough to help a damsel in distress. But I guess I was wrong…")
The Sesquipedalian Brains were occupying this room. Harold asked, "What's with him?"
"I don't know," Noah responded, "Maybe he broke a nail."
"Or… or has split ends," Cody said.
"Or is wearing an ill-fitting bra," Harold suggested.
Alejandro became increasingly annoyed. He stopped pretending to cry, and decided to sneak up behind the Brains and shout, "Aboogaboogabooga!" This caused Noah to flinch, Harold to fall over, and Cody to jump into Noah's arms, which caused Noah to fall over, so all three of them were on the ground.
"Alejandro!" Noah scolded.
"I'm not the one hiding something," he said, and then he walked away.
"Who's hiding something?" Harold asked.
"No one's hiding anything," Noah responded with finality. "Now we have to look for that stupid ghost."
"Great tactic, Noah," Harold said, "Lure him in!"
"Tactic? What tactic? Oh, you mean, calling him a stupid ghost? Yeah, come get me you stupid ghost! You're qualified to be in my sports league! And you can be in class with all the coolest kids! And your fashion sense is comparable to a certain male model's…" Chef Hatchet appeared behind Noah, dressed in a sheet.
"Oooooooooh!" he shouted, "I've got you now, my pretties!" He grabbed Noah and tossed him aside.
"Gosh, Chef, if you want to be a ghost, you could at least try not to sound like a wicked witch… even if it is one from the west," Harold said, which caused Chef to do the same thing to Harold.
Cody looked at him and then said, "Nice Chef-ghost," nervously. He then ran away, screaming his lungs out.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "I'm not proud of leaving Cody all alone. But what has to be said has to be said!")
"Izzy, where are we?" Owen asked.
"We're in the ghost's secret lair," was her reply.
"It looks like a bathroom," Owen responded.
It was revealed to be a bathroom, with a drippy faucet, and a dirty toilet. Izzy examined the drippy faucet and said, "This is where the ghost keeps his ghostly soul water."
"Like, what's soul water?" Lindsay asked, confused.
"If you drink it, you turn into a zombie!" she shouted, announcing the final word in a false baritone. Then she put her head under the faucet and tried to drink it.
"Izzy, no!" Owen shouted, and then pushed her over. Cody ran by.
"Hi, Cody," Izzy said. "Where's Noah?"
"Gotten!" Cody said quickly, "Run away!"
"The ghost got Noah?" Owen asked concernedly, "Oh, no! Oh, why couldn't I be there to protect him? That stupid ghost! When I get my hands on him, I'm going to kill him and make him a ghost of a ghost. And then I'm going to kill that ghost and make him a ghost of a ghost of a ghost!"
"You called?" Chef Hatchet asked, causing Lindsay to shriek in terror and Izzy to jump upwards.
"Grrraaaaa!" Owen shouted, and then he began attacking Chef Hatchet's legs. "You! Hurt! Poor! Innocent! Little! Noah!" he continued, kicking on every word.
(In the confessional, Izzy said, "Sometimes I'm confused about why I love Owen. But then I see this, and then I think, yeah, that's why.")
Cody continued to run away and smacked into Gwen. "Oh, sorry," Gwen said.
"No, it's my fault; I need to look where I'm going," Cody said, and then he continued to run.
"The ghost is around here," Gwen said, "Come get us, you big old phony!"
Chef Hatchet arrived, although he was visibly limping. He reached for Gwen, but Duncan got in the way. He grabbed Duncan, and tossed him aside.
"R-r-run!" DJ stuttered, and then he and LeShawna headed off.
"Wait for me, guys!" Gwen shouted. She started to run after them but she tripped. "Heh, heh," she said nervously to Chef Hatchet and then said, "If I tell you where Alejandro is will you leave me alone?"
"According to the rules, that's biased," Chef Hatchet said, "But it's not like Chris will care, so, sure."
"He's in that room over there," Gwen said, pointing Chef Hatchet in his general direction.
"Thanks," Chef Hatchet responded, and then he headed in that direction.
(In the confessional, Gwen said, "Yeah, I'm trying to get the Harsh Brawns to lose. Does that make me a terrible person? Oh, I sure hope not…")
"Where is Duncan?" Heather asked, "If he got himself captured by the ghost, I'm going to rip out his…"
"Shh," Alejandro hushed Heather, pushing her against a wall. "I think… the ghost is near."
"The ghost is… near?" Heather asked, and then they both looked up at Chef Hatchet's looming eyes and screamed.
Chef Hatchet picked up Alejandro and then gently placed him on the ground, dusting him off. "Just so you know, that counts as an out," Chef Hatchet told him, which caused his expression to change from dumbfounded to annoyed.
"Where is Duncan?" Heather asked angrily.
"Where you're about to go!" Chef Hatchet said, picking her up, and trying to toss her aside. Alejandro tried to stop him, but was held back by Chris, who not-so-kindly reminded him he was out.
"And now… since your entire team has been captured, you're facing elimination," Chris said.
"Oh, worry not, Chris," Alejandro said, "We know exactly who to get rid of."
"Yes, we do," Heather said, "And maybe he would have a hint too if he was ever actually around!"
"Well," Chris said, perking up his ears, "I think I hear him coming now." DJ and LeShawna ran through the room. "No wait, that's just some Delicate Beauties." He did so again. Cody ran through the room screaming and flailing and ran right into Chef Hatchet.
He said, "We… we lost…"
"No," Chris said, "You didn't. You and the Salsa Pit Hellion Brains are safe from elimination. Unfortunately, because you ran away like a scared little wiener dog instead of facing up to him, you don't win either."
"Oh, well," Cody said, panting heavily, "Better than last place."
"Where's Gwen?" Chris asked suspiciously.
"I think we let her get caught by the ghost," DJ said sadly.
Chef Hatchet shrugged, and then said, "Uhh, I haven't seen her since I went after these two."
"Well, I don't know where she is," LeShawna said confusedly. Then, Gwen and Duncan ran into the room.
"Hey guys," Gwen said, "I'm okay!" DJ and LeShawna cheered.
"Hey guys!" Duncan said, "I'm okay, too." Both Alejandro and Heather glared at him.
"Where the heck were you?" Chef Hatchet asked, "I caught you a long time ago!"
"Oh, that, well, you see the funny thing is…" Duncan began.
The Valiant Braves then entered the room. Owen was panting and then he said, "I've finally caught up to you, ghost! Now, what did you do with Noah?"
"Umm," Chef Hatchet said, picking up and presenting the small nerd to Owen, "He's right here. Look, completely unharmed. Now please don't kick me anymore."
"Put me down," Noah demanded.
"Right away," Chef Hatchet said.
"Oh my gosh, Noah!" Owen shouted. "You're okay! Oh boy oh boy oh boy!" He gave Noah a big hug.
"The Valiant Braves win!" Chris shouted, "And, as I said before, it's bye-bye to a Brawn tonight."
Heather made a kill gesture to Duncan who looked very nervous.
In the elimination ceremony, Chris said, "Among you it is clear who deserves to be voted off. And of course, the bags of pyrite go to Alejandro and… Heather. Goodbye Duncan."
"No fair," Duncan complained, "These jerks were conspiring against me!"
"Well, can you blame them?" Chris asked in deadpan, "After all, you did abandon them for two straight challenges, help another team…"
"Alright, alright!" he complained. "Fine. I'll go."
After the elimination ceremony, the Sesquipedalian Brains conversed.
"Hey, Harold," Noah said, "Remember your promise to me."
"How could I forget?" Harold asked, "You derisively said it meant nothing."
"That's before this happened," Noah said.
"Yeah, well, I'll remember. Alejandro's got to go," Harold said, "But I have a feeling everything will be a lot quieter now that Duncan's gone."
Chris concluded, "Will the Harsh Brawns ever be able to recover from this rut? Will the Delicate Beauties ever win again? What will become of the anti-Alejandro alliance? And what will become of Chef's legs? Find out the answers to these questions, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"