"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to search for a key under the floor. But there might have been a little catch. And by a little catch, of course, I refer to the tiny mines I hid under certain floorboards. Noah, Cody, and Harold's strategy of over-thinking everything caused their plans to blow up in their faces. In the end, it was none other than the clueless Owen who became victorious, and won a lovely prize that he didn't want. Man, when did teenagers get so ungrateful? After today's game, the final four will be known! Are you ready? If so, stay tuned for Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.
Owen opened the door, and allowed everyone else to follow him in. "I'm almost done with my resignation speech," Owen said, "How do you like this line, Noah? 'You guys are awesome. I suck.'"
"Wow, you really don't want to beat around the bush, do you, Owen?" Noah asked, "Owen, sweetie, if you want people to like your speech, don't say you suck. Use humility, not self-deprecation."
"Okay, so how about 'you guys are awesome. I'm not awesome?'" Owen asked.
"That's problematic for a different reason," Noah said. "But let's talk about that later."
"Okay," Owen said, putting his speech away.
(In the confessional, Owen said, "Yeah. I have no idea how I made it this far. The other four are all really smart and I… well, I'm not. Ooh! That's good; I'll add that!" Owen wrote on his speech.)
"Hello, explorers!" Chris shouted, "Welcome to today's challenge. Follow me." Chris beckoned the final five, and they followed him eastbound, until they ran into a long narrow corridor. There was a light at the other end. "Okay, you see that room?"
"How could we miss it? It's a freaking supernova," Harold commented, trying to shield his eyes from the light.
"Oh, don't be such a wuss just because we forgot to turn the lights in the corridor on," Chris said. "The key is in that room, by the way."
"That sounds like a really easy challenge," Cody said.
"Yeah, too easy…" Noah said suspiciously, "Chris, at the risk of being accused of reading the itineraries again, is there by any chance a retractable door on that room? That cannot be opened from the inside, perhaps?"
"You know, Noah," Chris said, "You acknowledged the risk, but that doesn't mean I won't still accuse you. Stop reading the itineraries in advance!"
"How did you know that?" Gwen asked, looking very confused. "I mean, usually I can sort of see where your point…"
"I play video games," Noah responded, "Lots of video games." Gwen appeared dissatisfied with that answer.
(In the confessional, Harold said, "Well, his explanation made perfect sense to me. You know in RPG dungeons and some platformers too, those retractable doors are quite common. And if they can't be opened from the inside, then," he laughed, "You have no chance!")
"Alright, explorers, Noah's right. This door is retractable, and it won't open from the inside. You have to run in and get the key, and you must all be on the correct side of the door in order for me to declare a winner. That means no getting trapped on the other end, Owen," Chris said.
"Oh, don't worry, Chris, I won't get trapped on the other end," Owen said.
Noah shouted, "No! Owen, don't tempt f…"
"Shut up about tempting fate, Noah!" Harold shouted, and then he slapped him.
"Okay, that was uncalled for," Cody said, stepping in. "He was just trying to warn Owen."
"Ow…" Noah whined.
"Oh, you're right," Harold said, "I don't know what came over me. I won't do it again."
"Are you ready, explorers?" Chris asked. "On your mark. Get set. Go!"
Harold and Gwen took the initial lead. Gwen managed to rush in front of Harold, and Harold followed her. He asked her, "Do you like Cody?"
Gwen stopped in her tracks and said, "No, I don't like Cody. I mean I do like him…as a friend."
"Thanks for the lead gap, Gwen!" Harold shouted, and then Gwen noticed that Harold had usurped her position.
"Oh, no you don't, Harold," Gwen said, "Your shoe is untied."
"It is?" Harold asked. He looked down, and noticed that his shoe was in fact untied. "Oh, thanks, Gwen," he said, bending down to tie it.
"Thank you, Harold!" Gwen said as she took the lead again.
While Harold was tying his shoe, Cody passed him, and Noah and Owen almost caught up to him. He got up. "Dang," he said, when he noticed Cody was ahead of him. "Hey, Cody!" he shouted, "Wait up!"
"I'd rather win," Cody said, trying to catch up to Gwen.
"We'd all rather win," Harold shouted, and then he tried to run past Cody. Unfortunately, he tripped, allowing the shorter male to retain his lead.
"Oh, no," Owen said, "We'll never win!"
"I never expected to," Noah answered him.
"Oh… oh, no, Noah, you don't have to give up hope like that," Owen proclaimed.
"Uh, yeah, what part of 'never' don't you understand?" Noah asked.
"Hmm," Owen said, "Well, I don't understand why putting an N at the front of something makes it not exist."
"That was a rhetorical question, Owen," Noah said.
"I also don't know what 'rhetorical' means…" Owen admitted.
"Okay, smart one," Noah responded.
(In the confessional, Owen asked, "What does 'rhetorical' mean, anyway?")
Gwen had made it to the other end of the hall, and she had almost made it under the doorway. Cody shouted out her name.
"You can't distract me, Cody," Gwen said, "The key is mine."
"But…" Cody began. "But the door…"
Gwen ran into the room and she celebrated when she found the key. She raised her arms and grinned, very happy to succeed, until a loud slam was heard. She opened her eyes wide. She turned around and noticed that the door was stuck closed. "Oh, no," Gwen said, "Oh, no. I'm trapped! Help!" She began pounding on the door.
On the other end, Cody looked positively terrified. "Okay, don't worry, Gwen! I'll get you out of there. As soon as I find out how to open the door." He spied a lever to the left side of the doorway. "Aha!" He said, and then he began to pull the lever but it was extremely hard. "Uhh, Gwen?" Cody shouted into the room, "I think your pounding on the door might be stopping it from opening."
"Oh, okay," Gwen called back, "I'll stop pounding on the door." She did. Cody could hear that ugly sound subsiding and he smiled.
"Okay, I think this is going to work," he said, as he successfully lifted the door. "Okay, Gwen! You're free. Hurry, there's not much time!"
Gwen attempted to leave the room, but she was knocked down by Harold. "You can't beat me!" Harold shouted, as he ran into the room. Gwen got up, and Harold started to play tug-of-war with the key with her. The door came down again.
"Uh-oh," Harold said, "This cannot be good."
"Ack! Now we're both trapped. Nice going, Harold," Gwen said angrily.
"I'm sorry, Gwen," Harold said.
"I know, I know, a little bit harsh, right?" Gwen asked, "But we're trapped! Cody, help!"
"I'll… I'll try," Cody said, as he started to pull the lever again. He was visibly sweating as he did this, becoming totally winded after an opening that might have been small enough for Harold to crawl through if not for his head.
Owen and Noah caught up to Cody. Owen asked, "Where are Harold and Gwen?"
"They're trapped in the room," Cody said, "Would one of you guys like to try this lever? It's too heavy for me."
"Then I can tell you right now it's too heavy for me," Noah said quickly. He looked to Owen, and said, "But this guy's pretty strong."
"Okay," Owen said, and then he pulled the lever hard. So hard, in fact, that it came completely unattached from the wall. "Ah-oh."
"Uh-oh is right!" Noah shouted, "Now what do we do?"
"Well, umm," Owen asked, "Is the door made of cheese?"
"Absolutely, Owen," Noah responded, "The door is made of cheese. Geologically hard, odorless cheese. And did I mention that I'm the Emperor of Japan?"
"You are?" Owen asked.
"No!" Noah responded.
"Honestly, Noah, you never give me a straight answer to anything," Owen said, shrugging.
"Okay, Cody," Noah said, "Do you have an idea?"
"Not at the ready," Cody said, "Sorry. What about you, fountainhead?"
"If I had an idea would I be acting this bitter and annoyed? No, of course not!" Noah responded.
"Hmm, well," Cody said, and then he shouted to inside the room, "We'll think of something, Gwen!"
"Hurry!" Gwen shouted back.
(In the confessional, Gwen said, "I must say, if there's anything worse than being trapped alone, it's being trapped alone with Harold. He gets very… eccentric.")
"So, Gwen," Harold said, "How do you feel?"
"I feel okay," Gwen said, "I mean considering how terrified I am."
"Have you ever considered the implications of us being fictional?" Harold asked. Gwen slid away from him. "I mean, think about it. It sure would explain some things like…"
"Harold," Gwen said, covering up his mouth, "I'm scared enough as it is without you giving me any kind of new things to worry about."
"Okay," Harold said, "I'll be good." They sat in awkward silence for the next two minutes. Then Harold said, "But wouldn't it be even weirder if we were cartoons?"
"Harold," Gwen said, "Please. Please stop."
"Come to think of it, that would…" Harold began.
Gwen glared at him and shouted, "I said stop!"
Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Noah, Cody, and Owen still could not come up with a solution. Chris ran into them holding a cup of coffee, and asked, "Why are you guys all loitering here instead of getting the key?"
"Owen broke the lever off," Cody said, "And now we don't know how to get Gwen and Harold out. I hope they're okay in there…" He looked at the door worriedly.
"Can you help us, Chris?" Owen asked.
"Yes," Chris responded, and then he took a sip of his coffee.
"Will you?" Owen asked gleefully.
"No," Chris responded. "You guys are going to have to figure it out your…"
"Hey, Chris!" Noah shouted, "Look, it's Alanis Morissette!"
"What? Where?" Chris asked, doing a double-take. Noah reached into Chris' pocket and grabbed a remote control. He hid it behind his back. Chris turned around, narrowed his eyes at Noah and said, "Hey, wait a minute… she isn't supposed to tour here until October!"
"Oh, yeah, my mistake," Noah said. He casually pulled out the remote and pressed the button so that the door would open.
"Hey!" Chris shouted, "Who said you could have that?" He and Noah fought over it, until eventually Chris decided to throw Noah into the room.
The door started to close. Owen shouted, "I'm coming for you buddy!" and rolled in after him.
"Owen!" Noah shouted, "Why did you come in here voluntarily?"
"Because I was going after you," Owen explained.
"Nice going genius! Now we're all trapped in here except Cody!" Noah said.
"Don't worry!" Cody shouted, "I'll get you out!"
"Good luck with that," Chris said, laughing.
"Hey is that who I think it is?" Cody asked, looking outward.
Chris looked in that direction and said, "I don't see anything, Cody."
"Thank you," Cody said, taking the remote back from Chris.
"Oh, no you didn't!" Chris shouted, taking the remote back again, removing the batteries, and then handing the husk to Cody, whistling, and walking away.
"Wait, Chris!" Cody shouted, "You can't seriously be willing to just let them get trapped forever."
"Yeah I can," Chris said.
(In the confessional, Cody said, "I forgive a lot. In fact, many people say I forgive more than I should. But this is it, Chris. This is proof that you're a complete monster in my book.")
"…And I guess that what I really feared was opening up to people," Gwen said.
"We all have that fear," Harold responded, "It can be justified."
"It's almost always justified," Noah added, "The fear is not infallible, however. Every rule has its exception."
"But isn't it nice to have friends?" Owen asked. "I mean, I'm not afraid of opening up to people."
"That's just because you're too stupid to notice when they hate you… or when they suck… like Alejandro," Noah responded.
"Hey!" Owen said, playfully shoving Noah. "Well, you're so lazy that you wish the seven days of the week were Sleepday, Zoneday, Daydreamday, Readabookday, Loungeday, Napday, and Sitinthesunday."
"Nice comeback," Noah responded.
"Thanks," Owen said, "I used it as a writing exercise when working on my resignation speech."
"Speaking of which," Harold said, "How's that coming along?"
"It's almost finished," Owen said. He took out his paper and pen and started writing. "Goodbye to four of my greatest friends." He said. He held it up and shouted, "It's finished! It's finished!"
"I'm dying to hear it, Owen," Noah said, smirking.
"I think we all are," Harold responded.
"But not yet," Owen said, "When the time is right."
(In the confessional, Harold said, "If I know one thing about quitting dramatically, the best way to do it is right before you get saved. Or when another team loses. But at this point, that's moot.")
Cody looked at the battery compartment on the remote control, sighing remorsefully that it was empty. "If only there was someone who could come and help me…"
"Cody, pst, hey Cody," a quiet whispering voice said.
"Huh? Who said my name?" Cody asked.
Chef Hatchet appeared from behind the shadows. He held out his right hand extending his fingers to reveal two AA batteries. "Looking for these?"
"Yeah, thanks," Cody said, taking the batteries, "But why are you helping me?"
"Because!" Chef Hatchet shouted, spitting at Cody, and causing him to topple over backwards. "Honestly, do I need a reason for everything?"
"No, I guess not…" Cody responded. Then he put the batteries back into the remote control. He pressed the button and the door started to rise. "Guys!" he shouted, when he noticed no one was moving. "Guys, hello! The door's opening."
Gwen turned her head, grinned, and ran out of there as fast as possible shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"
Harold, Owen, and Noah followed after. Cody joined the group and they all headed to find Chris. Gwen was holding the key, when she walked up to Chris and said, "Hey, Chris. Do I get my pyrite bag?"
"What?" Chris asked, "How did you four get out?"
"It's a secret," Cody said, stifling a laugh.
Chris sighed, and then he said, "Fine. Whatever. Gwen, you win immunity. Now the rest of you all face elimination."
"I'm not afraid," Harold said.
The votes were cast and they met in the elimination chamber. "Okay, so Gwen, here's your bag of pyrite. Now the rest of them go to Cody, Noah, and… O…"
"Noooooo!" Owen shouted melodramatically, causing both Gwen and Noah to give him a weird look. "Don't get rid of Harold. He's awesome. They… they all are. I know some of them have been cheated before. In fact, I would say that none of them got as far as they should have. Ever!"
"Uh, Owen, what about my smarta…" Noah began.
"Now me, on the other hand, I got a lot farther than I should have. Because, because they're all so smart and me… well, I'm not," Owen said. "They're a lot better at this game than I am. They also hate it more. More crap happens to them. They… they don't have any luck. None of them do. My only hope is to change this for just one of them. Maybe if all of them stay in the final four, for once we'll have a competition where people will have to root for them."
"This seriously took you two weeks to write, Owen?" Noah asked.
"Hey, cut me some slack! I'm not like you. I couldn't come up with this speech in four minutes like you could," Owen said, "Which is why I'm resigning. I've done as well as I could have. But you… you haven't. Cody, your chronicled bad luck…"
"Chronic," Harold corrected.
"…Right, your chronic bad luck is holding you down. Harold, this is the first time you've outranked Duncan for real; you deserve a chance to win. Gwen, I've heard about all the crap everyone else puts you through and I think it's really, really sad. And Noah, well, I mean, what can I say? You're the best tactful expert…"
"I really don't think that's the word you're looking for. I just have a sinking feeling you didn't mean to call me diplomatically polite," Noah said, smirking.
"Oh, yeah, sorry, I misread that," Owen said, "The best tactical expert the show has ever known. So, my point is: win! One of you guys should win! You all deserve to win more than I do! Goodbye to four of my greatest friends!" He blew a kiss at them. Noah smiled, Gwen sighed, Cody giggled, and Harold gave Owen a look.
"Okay," Chris said, giving Owen a weird look, and then said, "Well, I guess you really worked hard on that speech that just gave up a million dollars. Wow, Owen, you're really freaking smart."
"Hey," Noah said, "Cut him some slack. Charity isn't stupid unless it's to a bunch of jerks."
"Yeah, well, you know what Owen?" Chris asked.
"What?" Owen asked.
"You still have to fall down the Trap of Shame," Chris responded, sending Owen down.
"I love you all!" he shouted falling down. There was a loud thud when he hit the ground.
"Ooh, ouch," Chris said, "That's gonna leave a mark. Will Owen's departure make the game easier for the alleged deserving winners? Or will it turn them all against each other, trying to fight over who is the most deserving? Is Harold ever going to pick up that bike again?"
"Oh, yeah," Harold said, "My bike! I'll be right back." He ran to the other room.
"I had to remind him," Chris moaned. "Well, now we know the final four. Next time we'll find out the final three, here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"