"Last time on Total Drama Fortress, our explorers had to grade my amazing essay, but they all did a terrible job of it, and if it were up to me, something entirely different would have happened. But because I got so fed up with a certain bike, Chef Hatchet was the one who was in charge. As a result, Gwen, the one person I wasn't that mad at, was eliminated, and the three people who failed or almost failed me are still in the completion. But today's challenge has a twist—things are about to get hectic as we discover our FINAL TWO! Right here on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!" Chris introduced the show.
Cody awakened to find himself next to the key. "What? Why is it right there?" he asked himself. "Did I sleep-win-the-challenge?" He looked around the room and then asked, "Where did Noah and Harold go?"
Noah awakened to find himself next to the key. "Umm…" he said, and then he looked around the room, seeing only the key and a walkie-talkie. "Okay?" He picked up the key and examined it. "Umm… I know this. The tag-team tournament prize. What's it doing in here?"
Harold awakened to find himself next to the key. He spotted a walkie-talkie in the corner of the room. He said to it, "Hello?"
"Hey, dude," a chill voice on the other end said.
"Geoff?" Harold asked.
"The one and only," Geoff responded.
"What's going on here?" Harold asked.
"Geoff!" Chris shouted on the other end, "You're not supposed to talk to Harold until I explain the challenge."
"Oh, sorry, Chris," Geoff apologized, and then turned off the walkie-talkie.
"That was weird," Harold noted.
Chris picked up an intercom and spoke into it. "Good morning, explorers. You're probably wondering where you are. You guys are in the hard-to-escape rooms. But don't worry, because there will be some people helping you. They will only increase as the challenge continues."
Noah smirked. Cody scratched his head. Harold nodded with satisfaction at the explanation.
Cody turned on his walkie-talkie only to hear giggling on the other end. "Umm, hi?" Cody asked.
"Yeah," a high pitched voice said, "We're here to help you!"
"We?" Cody asked.
"How else?" another, distinct high voice said.
"Oh, of course," Cody said. "So, where do you two think the exit is?"
"Well, Sadie thinks it's on the left side of the room, but I think," Katie began.
"No! It's not on the right side. If he tries over there, all he'll get is pain!" Sadie shouted.
Cody looked entirely annoyed. "Look, it would really help if you guys could agree on something. Call me back when you do." He put the walkie-talkie down.
Noah picked up his walkie-talkie, saying to himself, "Whoever calls me better not be someone really annoying."
"Hey, ugly," Justin's voice said on the other end.
"Speak of the devil," Noah muttered.
"Oh, come on, you know I'm only kidding you, right?" he responded.
"Whatev," Noah said, "All I'm saying is don't you dare try to sabotage me."
"Me? Sabotage you?" he asked, "Why would I do that? I'm not a villain anymore. It's too hard!"
"Oh, quit your whining, plastic man," Noah said. "Just help me get out of here."
"I think it's to your right," Justin said. Noah began heading to his left. "Did you not hear what I said?"
"Can you… see me?" Noah asked.
"Well, if I couldn't I wouldn't be much help, now would I?" Justin asked.
"No. You're certainly a ton of help now," Noah said. He put the walkie-talkie down.
Meanwhile, Harold was back with his. "So, Geoff, I guess you're supposed to tell me how to get out of here."
"I would but you see, I don't really know," Geoff responded.
"Well, just think of something," Harold said. "I don't want to be stuck in here forever."
"I under…" Geoff began, and then became cut off.
"Geoff? Geoff?" Harold asked. The screen showed a shot of Geoff and Bridgette making out. "Geoff?" Harold's voice asked over the walkie-talkie.
Bridgette broke the kiss and then asked, "Don't you think we should call him back?"
"It's okay, Bridge," Geoff said, "We'll get reinforcements soon enough."
"But I'm supposed to be reinforcements," Bridgette said.
"A mere technicality," Geoff said, and then began kissing Bridgette again.
Noah's luck was only marginally better. "Oh, Noah, look," Justin said, "I have a guest."
"A… guest?" Noah asked.
"I'm here too, eh!" Ezekiel shouted on the other end.
"Ezekiel?" Noah asked, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to help you," he said.
"Yeah, I somehow doubt that," Noah said, shutting off the walkie-talkie.
Ezekiel and Justin were shown giving each other curious glances.
"He's not going to call us back, eh," Ezekiel said.
Justin snapped, "I know that!"
Cody listened to the walkie-talkie and he heard Sadie say, "Okay, we've come to a consensus."
"Really? Great!" Cody responded, "What is it?"
"We're going to let our new friend help you out," Katie said.
"Your new… friend?" Cody asked.
"HI CODY!" shouted an all-too-familiar voice on the other end.
"Oh, Sierra… umm, hi, Sierra," Cody said.
"Hi, Cody…" she repeated, and then continued extremely quickly, "Anyway, the exit, I believe would have to be on the ceiling. Chris would never put it near the floor. But I don't think there's any feasible way for you to jump to the ceiling, so there must be some way of climbing the walls…"
"Sierra, slow down," Cody said, "I can't retain so much information at once."
Sierra giggled and then said, "Oh, sorry, Cody, I'm just so excited I get to help you!"
"Yeah, it'll be a real picnic," Cody said.
(In the confessional, Sierra squealed, and then said, "I know he was probably being sarcastic, but it was serious for me!")
"Harold?" a nasally female voice said on the other end of the walkie-talkie.
"Beth! Thank goodness! I was worried my walkie-talkie broke," Harold said, "What happened to Geoff?"
"Bridgette happened to Geoff, but don't worry; I'm still here to help you. Now, what you have to do; I see a hole on the wall, and there are some footholds. You have to get onto one of them," Beth said.
"Okay," Harold said, and then he found a foothold. He fell off of it immediately.
"Try to keep your balance," Beth encouraged.
Noah was alerted by Justin. He picked up the walkie-talkie and asked, "Ugh, what do you want?"
"We just wanted to announce our third member," Justin said.
"Noah, I don't care what they told you! Don't listen to them," a female voice said.
"I knew that, Courtney," Noah responded.
"Hey!" Ezekiel shouted, offended.
"Instead you should listen to me," Courtney said.
"Yeah, I'd rather not," Noah said, putting down the walkie-talkie again. "Is this challenge rigged against me or something?"
"Of course not!" Courtney responded, "You got me."
"You weren't supposed to hear that!" Noah yelled into the walkie-talkie.
"Cody!" Sierra shouted, "Would you like to talk to Trent?"
"Sure," Cody said, "Hey Trent."
"Hmph," Trent said.
"What?" Cody asked.
"I saw what you and Gwen did," Trent said.
"Oh, that… well, Noah told me that meant 'we can never be,'" Cody said, "Don't be so paranoid."
"I'm paranoid? Was I wrong about Duncan, Cody? Was I wrong about Duncan?" Trent asked.
"Initially, yes," Cody said. "Besides, why are you complaining? You and Gwen are together again."
"That's a good point," Trent said, "But I'm watching you."
"I'll let you have her. You deserve her," Cody responded. "Now, as for the task at hand…"
"Oh right, umm, I have no idea," Trent said.
Harold was listening to Beth explain how to stand on the footholds without falling off when, suddenly, she was cut off as well.
"Beth, are you there?" Harold asked, "Please tell me you're not making out with someone too."
"Oh, sorry!" Beth said, "I just ran into Lindsay and we started having girl talk."
"This again?" Harold asked. "This better not be a repeat of the puzzle box incident."
"Oh, come on, Harold," Beth said, "I'll be better, I promise."
"Good," Harold said.
"Justin to Noah, Justin to Noah, this is mandatory! I repeat, this is mandatory! Turn the volume on your walkie-talkie down, now!" Justin shouted.
"Why?" Noah asked.
"Trust me," Justin said.
"Duncan, you *bleep*!" Courtney shouted.
"You're a *bleep*, Courtney!" Duncan shouted back.
Noah's eyes widened, and then he complied with Justin's instructions saying, "Sorry I doubted you, Justin."
"You couldn't have known how bad it was," Justin said almost inaudibly.
"You're going to have to speak up, though," Noah said.
Cody had just discovered the footholds that Harold noticed minutes ago. "Cody, Heather's here," Trent said, "Want to talk to her?"
"Okay," Cody said, "Maybe she'll be some help. Hi, Heather."
"Alright," Heather said, "You see those footholds?"
"Yeah, but I don't know how to stay on them," Cody said.
"You're the nerd; you figure it out," Heather responded.
"Thank you for your help," Cody answered ironically.
"Hey, you can't expect me to know everything," Heather said, "Because I don't."
"I suppose that's fine," Cody said, "I'll just wait."
Harold was listening, hoping to hear something on the other end besides smacking and high-pitched giggling. He got his wish.
"Hey, Harold," LeShawna's voice said.
"LeShawna! Surely you can help me figure out how to stand on the footholds without falling off," Harold said.
"Of course," she responded, "You just have to pretend you're on Jupiter."
"What?" Harold asked.
"Pretend that there is something holding you in place. Pretend you weigh a lot more without being bigger around," LeShawna said.
"Thank you, LeShawna," Harold said, as he began to climb the footholds without any trouble. Once he reached the top he shouted, "Crap! The exit's on the other side of the room!"
"Like opposite wall or corner?" LeShawna asked.
"Corner," Harold answered.
"Crap," LeShawna said, "Well, we'll do the best we can."
"Hey, Noah," a new voice said.
"Oh, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse," Noah said.
"You should go left," Alejandro said.
"Hmm, well, you're a liar, so that would mean I should go right, except for the fact that you know that I know that you're a liar, so that would mean you would want me to think I should go right…" Noah began.
"You know that you deserved to get dumped every time!" Courtney shouted, "You're not even as hot as Alejandro."
"Well, you're not as smart as Albert Einstein, so I suppose you must be an idiot," Duncan retorted. Alejandro was very irritated by this, but he tried to drown them out and talk exclusively to Noah.
"Don't over-think this," Alejandro said, "I might hate you but I don't want you to be trapped in this room forever."
"Well, I'll just wait for a sane person that I can trust to tell me something," Noah said, "No offense, Ezekiel. You're plenty sane and trustworthy, I just kind of think you'd probably be wrong."
"I know, eh," Ezekiel said sadly.
Cody was still at a loss as to how to balance. "Use your heels not your toes," a friendly voice said over the walkie-talkie.
"Who said…? Oh, hi DJ. How have you been?" Cody asked.
"I've been doing fine, but like I said, use your heels not your toes," DJ said, "It'll keep you on better."
"Thank you," Cody said, and then he tried to climb the footholds, only to reach the same discovery that Harold had. "Oh, no!" he shouted, "It's not working! The exit… the exit's across the room."
DJ began to cry with empathy. "I'm sorry, Cody," he said.
"It's… it's okay, DJ," Cody said, "I'm sure we'll figure something out."
Meanwhile, Harold was greeted with this comment from LeShawna, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
"What's the bad news?" Harold asked.
"We lost Lindsay for good," LeShawna said. The screen showed her and Tyler making out as well as Geoff and Bridgette.
Tyler broke the kiss and shouted, "Hey, Harold!"
"Hey, Tyler," Harold responded. Tyler resumed kissing Lindsay. "Then what's the good news?" Harold asked.
"Beth isn't distracted anymore!" LeShawna answered.
"Okay, Harold, there might be some sort of suction on the ceiling. Why don't you try testing your arms on it?" Beth asked.
Harold put his arms on the ceiling and then said, "I don't think that there is." Then he looked down, and he saw a box in the corner. "I don't remember seeing that box before," Harold said, as he climbed down the footholds, only to fall on his back.
"You okay, babe?" LeShawna asked concernedly.
"I'm okay," Harold confirmed.
A low-pitched feminine voice said, "Hey, Noah! Listen up! I heard a request for a sane, trustworthy person?"
"Eva?" Noah asked, "Well, yes, what should I do?"
"To your right, there is a column of footholds. But don 't go on them yet. Go to the other side of the room; you should see a box," Eva said.
"Okay," Noah said, as he examined the box. "Now what do I do?"
"Put on the suction cups in the box. You'll need them later," Eva said, "Now climb up the footholds."
Alejandro, offended, said to Justin, "He trusts She-Ra but not us."
"You know why that is right?" Eva asked, "It's because I'm honest."
"You said it girl," Duncan said, "Unlike some people I know."
"Like you?" Courtney asked.
"Ugh, please stop! No one cares about your relationship drama! You guys have been broken up for quite some time now, and most importantly…" Eva shouted, "You're bugging Noah!"
"You shut up," Alejandro said to her.
"No, you shut up," Noah said to Alejandro, "This is important. I… I have a chance to be in the final two. Oh, crap! I hope I didn't just jinx it…" He knocked on the box. "Cardboard is paper and paper is wood."
Cody was feeling unsure of how to go about doing this. He climbed down the footholds, when Gwen came on the line. "Hi, Cody!" she said, "Don't worry. I'll guide you through. I know you can do it, Cody. You can make it to the final two."
"I can?" Cody asked, "Are you sure?"
"Positively," Gwen said, "I'll give you the briefest instructions possible so that you…"
"Gwen?" Cody asked.
"What?" Gwen asked.
"Brevity?" Cody reminded.
"Yes, of course, brevity," Gwen said, "Step one: suction cups. Step two: footholds. Step three: ceiling. Step four: exit."
"Okay, thanks Gwen, but…" Cody said, "Could you tell me where the suction cups are?"
"The other side of the room from the footholds," Gwen said.
"Alright," Cody said, "Gwen thinks I can do this. I can do this!"
Cody was determined to get out of the room. So was Noah.
Harold was as well, but was unfortunately getting less help from his team. Owen showed up and asked, "What are we doing?"
"Oh, nothing…" Beth said, "Except trying to get Harold in the final two!"
"Oh, okay," Owen said, and then he sat around.
"Why aren't you helping?" LeShawna asked.
"Because," Owen responded, "I don't want to be biased. And what if it's my fault that Harold's in the final two instead of Noah?"
"You're really good at not being biased," LeShawna said.
"Thanks," Owen said blissfully, "Yeah, I know."
"Come on, guys!" Harold said, "I'm almost out. Don't you want to cheer me on?"
"Oh, yes of course!" LeShawna said, "You can do it, babe!"
Noah, Cody, and Harold had all reached the point in their journey where they almost reached the window of exit. They were crawling on the ceiling and they had nothing stopping them, except of course, for their head size.
"Well, this is anticlimactic," Noah said, when he looked at the hole. "There's no way my toboggan-sized-noggin can fit through this thing."
"Yes there is!" Eva shouted, "Don't have it raised… or… er… lowered?"
"Raised, from my perspective at least," Noah said. He complied and put his head down. He managed to make it through the exit, although the back of his head scraped against the side of the window a couple of times.
"Noah!" Eva shouted. "You made it, buddy! You made it to the final two!"
"I… I did?" Noah asked. "But surely, Cody and Harold…" Eva shook her head.
"As much as I hate to admit it," Alejandro said, "You have made it to the final two, my admirable adversary."
"He was my adversary first…" Justin whined.
"Oh, come off it; you barely know the guy," Alejandro responded.
Izzy ran into the group. "Am I late?" she asked. Everyone nodded, except for Ezekiel, who appeared to be examining his sweater. "Dang. I wanted to give him army instructions."
"Congratulations, Noah!" Chris said. "Now for the other…"
Cody quickly jammed his way out of there, but his head did get stuck once. He then wiggled it about, and managed to break free, falling out of the hole and directly into Gwen's arms. Sierra was visibly jealous. So was Trent.
"Oh, sorry," Gwen said, putting Cody down.
"You made it to the final two, Cody! Guaranteed!" Sierra shouted, squeezing Cody. Katie and Sadie squealed gleefully. DJ gave him a hug.
"Wow, huggy team," Cody said, "Well, anyway, thanks, guys!"
"So, Cody," Chris said, "You're in the final two, along with Noah."
"Wait," Harold said, coming out a few seconds later, "Did I make it?"
LeShawna, Beth, and Tyler shook their heads sadly. Harold put his head down in shame. "I guess I should have seen this coming. After all, we alumni of the Killer Bass just don't make it to the final two that often… unless our name happens to be Duncan."
"Hey," Duncan said, "Did I make it to the final two more than once? No I didn't. So shut up."
"So, we're working on retrieving the keys right now," Chris said. Chef Hatchet, holding a vacuum was near one of the rooms, putting the nozzle into the window. The vacuum sucked up the keys. Chef Hatchet took the vacuum to the area where everyone was, and spit out the three keys that were in the rooms.
"Now, all of you eliminated contestants; here is the key you would have won if you had won instead of being eliminated." He handed the keys to Ezekiel, Bridgette, Courtney, Beth, Sierra, Trent, Duncan, Lindsay, LeShawna, Heather, Alejandro, Eva, DJ, Tyler, Izzy, Owen, Gwen, and finally Harold.
He turned to Geoff, Justin, Katie, and Sadie, and said, "You four didn't play. So I'll give you the keys from the non-elimination challenges. Justin, you get the key from the merge, because your explorer won the challenge. Katie and Sadie, you two get first choice of reward challenge keys because your explorer made it to the final two."
"Well, I'll take diorama and she'll take buried mines," Katie said.
"Of course," Sadie agreed. Chris obliged their requests.
"Geoff, you get the real key from the mystery key challenge," he said, then looked carefully at it to make sure it wasn't the incredibly close decoy. "Yep." He handed it over.
"Final two, as you are both well aware," he said turning to Noah and Cody, "Eva and Tyler both dropped out twice. So Cody, will you take up the key from Tyler's first elimination?"
"Yes," Cody said.
"And Noah? Will you take up the key from Eva's first elimination?" Chris asked.
"I'd be honored," Noah answered.
"What is this even for?" asked Sierra.
"You'll find out," Chris said, "Soon. Very soon. In fact, at the beginning of the next episode, which of course will be the last episode ALL SEASON! And I hope you enjoy it, too. Our final two; who will win? Find out, next time on Total. Drama…"
"Would it kill you to tell us now?" Harold asked impatiently.
"We all want to know," Gwen added.
"No, I will not tell you now! That would ruin the drama!" Chris said. "Ahem… like I said, next time on Total. Drama. FORTRESS!"